You Would Be Pretty If...

Real Women

2012-01-31T16:28:00.000+11:00

Privileging one body type over the other — no matter which it is — perpetuates this concept that all women must conform to one figure and that, depending on the decade or culture, the alternative is “gross,” “unattractive,” or in this case, “not real.”

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I know we are all sick to death of the 'real women' debate. That whole crazy thing where some people started declaring that curvy women are real women and skinny women are somehow not as real. Obviously that is ridiculous and we are all real women it doesn't matter what your size or shape is. This says it all a lot better than I ever could.

More and more women are reclaiming their curves and I feel like every day I am reading or hearing about some woman and her spectacular rounded breasts, hips, thighs or bums. We all wants curves like Kate Winslet or an arse like Kim Kardashian or breasts like Salma Hayek because apparently this makes you more womanly and sexy. Of course skinny women are saying that this isn't fair and they are beautiful and womanly too.

The thing about this debate that has really irritated me from the start is that it completely ignores those of us who are bigger, but aren't curvy. It goes without saying that society says that thin women like Jennifer Aniston, Charlize Theron and Reese Witherspoon are beautiful (and I agree). Then everyone jumps up and down and says what about the curvaceous women like Adele, Christina Hendricks and Nigella Lawson, so then we all agree that they are also beautiful. So what happens when you are neither skinny or curvaceous? You are left feeling bad that you have failed at being thin and failed at being curvy.

I have grown up my whole life being so envious of my friends who complain about their hips because I just wanted to know what it would be like to have hips, waist or breasts that are defined in anyway. The only part of my body that is rounded or defined is my stomach because it sticks out further than any other part of my body.

When I was at my biggest I couldn't fit into most plus size clothes because they allowed for hips, thighs, bum and breasts that I did not have and looked ridiculous on me. Now that I have lost weight and should fit into 'normal' sized clothes, I still can't because I don't have a waist and my stomach pops out further than my breasts. So clothes shopping ends up being just one more avenue for me to feel less than womanly because of my shape.

Can we all just please agree that beauty has nothing to do with size or shape?

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Body Lift Costs

2012-01-30T12:24:00.000+11:00

On Friday night I received the written estimate for my body lift surgery from my surgeon. They had given me a preliminary figure of $12,500 so I was feeling pretty good about that amount and I was making plans to go ahead with the surgery.

Unfortunately the actual figure for the surgery has turned out to be more than I expected and is in excess of $20,000 out of pocket. I don't know the exact figure because they couldn't quote me on the anaesthetist. So it was quite a big blow when I got the letter and I must be honest and admit that my eyes did well up with tears for just a few seconds. I obviously will not be able to raise that kind of money and I just can't see when I ever will be able to raise that amount of money.

I know that a lot of people will tell me to just keep saving and I'll get there, but in order to fully disclose why this is not possible I will let you know that I am currently in the process of applying for a home loan to buy a house for my mum in the country. She will be living in the house and not able to pay rent as she is on a disability pension and does not have any money (it is a long and complicated situation). I am her carer so this is something I want to do for her, but it will be a massive expense for me on top of paying my city rent. At the same time, I will be taking a $20,000 pay cut at work next month due to the contract on my current role finishing. So as you can see, there is literally no way I can raise the money.

I guess I am just extra disappointed because when I thought the surgery was a possibility I realised I wanted it even more than I thought I did. I spent the week fantasizing about wearing normal sized clothes, doing yoga without my stomach suffocating me and not being mistaken for a pregnant lady every week. Not to mention all the less savoury problems that comes with having an apron stomach, which even I am too embarrassed to detail!

I am frustrated at myself for so many reasons, but I am mostly disgusted that I caused so much damage to my body that I require such extensive surgery. I wish that I could just get over the excess skin problem like so many other people that have lost weight, but I can't seem to do that right now. The only thing I can do is cancel my private pity party and focus on the fact that I have lost 50 kilos and my life is immeasurably better already. Oh, and buy lottery tickets!!!

Not Hiding

2012-01-26T11:00:00.000+11:00

I am feeling quite chunky lately after gaining about 5 kilos from my happy place of 77.5 kilos. Generally when this happens I don't want to talk about it, or god forbid, take any photos. Well, I am trying to break the cycle and not be a complete hermit while I enjoy my own fat little pity party. So here are some photos of a lovely (alcohol heavy...) night out I had with my family last weekend. Of course I still reserve the right to only post flattering photos of myself!

Me at home getting ready- note the bag of donuts to the right of the photo, oh the shame!

AJ on a ferry from Williamstown to Southbank looking like he is about to be run down by a cargo ship

Me and my younger brother after AJ tried to make us pose like we are a happy family

My older brother and his gorgeous partner at dinner

Me, AJ, my brothers and their partners on Southbank

Me and my younger brother's fiance (they are getting married next month!)

Plastic Surgery Consult #2

2012-01-24T20:32:00.001+11:00

I had my first consult with a surgeon about skin removal a couple of weeks ago and was told that I wasn't suitable for a tummy tuck and I would need a body lift. This was a massive blow because I knew the body lift was a far more serious and expensive surgery. So today I went to see a surgeon who came highly recommended to get information on a body lift.

Anyone not familiar with what a body lift is exactly, here is a photo from a US surgeon's website showing a fantastic before and after result. You can see how it differs from a tummy tuck because the incision goes all the way around the body in order to remove the apron stomach and the side and back fat and skin. I would be thrilled with results half as good as that!

Body lift before & after example

FYI this is not me: image taken from this website

The surgeon I spoke with was great and I would feel completely safe in his hands, so if I decide to go ahead, I will definitely choose him. He specializes in reconstructive surgery after massive weight loss and, by all accounts, he is the expert in the area.

He put me at ease right away when he congratulated me on being able to get my BMI under 30. He said that most patients he sees who had a BMI over 45 (like I did) are unlikely to get their BMI under 30, even with surgery. He didn't mean this in a discouraging way for those of us who have/had high BMI's, he just understands the complexities that come with being morbidly obese. I wish my lap band doctor was this understanding...

The surgeon said that I am an excellent candidate for a body lift and he felt he could get good results for me. The surgery would involve him cutting all the way around me and removing a band of skin that is about 10-15 cms wide. The cut would start on my pubic line and go up over my belly button and then pull down the skin and stitch it together. This would also pull up my bottom and thighs to smooth them out a little bit too. This works better for the outer thighs though and I don't have much (if any) excess skin or fat on my out thighs because I have a body shape like a man! He also body sculpts with liposuction to create a waist and remove any excess fat.

What makes my surgery a bit more complicated is that I not only have the apron stomach and arse shelf to be removed (oh, how attractive that sounds), but I have hanging skin around my middle roll of fat too. Apparently this skin has actually sagged down from my chest and is creating a short torso and long chest appearance. This won't be rectified by a body lift and he will have to do additional surgery to fix this problem. This is called an upper body suspension and is a technique he has pioneered where he attaches mesh to my chest wall and stitches the skin to it to hold it tight and smooth. If he doesn't do this he won't be able to achieve smooth results around my torso.

We spoke about a breast lift and he felt it would be best to wait until after the stomach and chest surgery to see how my breasts finish up. Apparently I don't have droopy boobs (yay!), but it is a matter of seeing how they look after the body lift.

I asked him if I should try and lose more weight before the surgery and he said that it wouldn't make any difference. I was so happy with that answer that I could have kissed him!!! He said my stomach muscles were tight and to just continue doing what I am doing now.

One little piece of information he gave me was to stop taking vitamins. Apparently a lot of them can cause bleeding and other complications so he has a blanket rule of no vitamins before surgery. The funny thing is that I had finally decided to take my vitamins properly in an effort to get more energy. I can't say I am too disappointed because taking vitamins is so annoying...

For those of you who are interested, I'll list some of the information the surgeon gave me below in dot point:

Operation will last approximately 5 hours
Hospital stay would be 4-5 nights
I would need anywhere between 2-6 weeks off work
Medical certificate will be given
Risks are uncommon
All revisions or complications are covered by Medicare
No vigorous activity for 6 weeks
No driving for 2-4 weeks
6 weeks before I can take an international flight
6 months before all the swelling will go down completely
12 months for the scar to fully heal
Will lose 5-7 kilos of 'tissue' (fat, skin, fluid)

OK, so now the million dollar question... how much will it cost? Unfortunately I don't know yet because they have to put together a special quote for me. All indication I had from my research was that I was up for a minimum of $20,000 out of pocket. If this is the case, I will obviously not be having the surgery because it is an unrealistic amount of money for me to find. The assistant at the surgery said something about a provisional quote of $12,500 plus hospital costs... fingers crossed that the figure is close to this because that doesn't seem as completely impossible. I may not be able to do it this year, but hopefully one day...

Just knowing that the surgery was possible and that it could help me has already made me feel so much better. Today I felt hopeful for the first time in my life that I could have a normal body and stop feeling like I am disfigured-- I truly hope that doesn't offend anyone because this is just the way I feel about myself, no judgement of anyone else.

Bridesmaid Shoes

2012-01-20T09:30:00.000+11:00

On a much less whiny note than my last post... shoes! We went bridesmaid shoe shopping last night and all decided on these glitzy little numbers to match the dress. The best part is that they were only $30, I was so excited because I never get bargains when I shop and was fully expecting to fork out about $200.

OK, so they about 4 inches higher than I have ever worn, but they aren't too bad. Certainly not as bad as some of the massive stilettos the girls were trying on and saying were comfortable. I admit to having a mild panic attack at one point when we were trying on barely there 6 inch stilettos, I tried to hide my nerves, but the bride noticed and was patting me on the back saying 'it'll be ok'. All I can say is thank god for wedges!

I modeled the shoes for AJ last night when I got home because I think he was skeptical about my ability to walk in them. He was shocked and literally exclaimed that they made my legs look so long and skinny... well therein lies the reason women wear high heels. I might just become a convert!

Bitching About The Band

2012-01-19T10:26:00.004+11:00

I honestly don't think I will ever understand how to live life happily with a lap band. I read so many blogs by people who have had a lap band and seem to be just killing it with weight loss and healthy lifestyles. I just don't know if I will ever get to a place with my band where I feel satisfied by small meals and don't obsess over food and at the same time that eating out isn't a complete nightmare.

I have just had almost 3 weeks of my band being so tight that even liquids were difficult to get down (no, I didn't lose any weight). There were many days where I just wanted to cry and scream with frustration and rip the stupid band out of my body. I knew the tightness was brought about by some crazy stress I was having and would only be temporary so there just wasn't anything I could do. I probably should have tried to get fluid removed, but trying to get an appointment and time off work to get to the clinic is near impossible for me. Now my band seems to have loosened up and I want to eat crazy amounts of food. I am so incredibly hungry all day and night that I am eating pretty much non-stop.

This has pretty much been the story of my lap band, either too tight to get normal food down or I am hungry and obsessing over food. Even when the band is being 'normal' eating out is very difficult and there is always the chance the band will decide to close up and I'll waste $30 on food I can't eat. Not to mention how uncomfortable it can make your dining companions when you take 6 times longer to eat your meal than them or need to leave the table if food gets stuck or you just can't eat at all.

I did manage to lose a lot of weight in first 12-18 months after having my band but that was primarily due to motivation. I can tell you that I still counted down every minute before my next meal, went to bed hungry, thought about food as soon as I woke up and spent many hours tormenting myself over food I wasn't 'allowed' to eat. Doing this and going to the gym a minimum of 4 times a week helped me lose a stack of weight. As anyone knows, motivation is fleeting and I just can't be bothered being hungry all the time anymore.

I have been to the lap band clinic many, many, many times but none of the doctors ever really help. They tell me the same stock standard advice that they tell everyone, but I don't think they really understand that people have different problems with food and eating and it isn't just about trying to address the hunger. They look at my notes and tell me what I said last time, which is normally a direct contradiction of what I am saying this time, and give me skeptical looks like I am lying or making excuses.

ME: I think I need some fluid out of my band because I am too tight
DR: You said last time you wanted fluid put in the band because you were hungry all the time and always looking for more food
ME: Yes, but now I find eating normal foods too difficult so I think I might need a bit less fluid because I can't eat vegetables or lean meats
DR: But you have gained 2 kilos since you last came in, do you think having fluid removed will help?
ME: (desperately wanting to tell him to fuck off) I don't know, but right now I am finding eating difficult and I would like to be able to eat
DR: *audible sigh* OK, how much do you want removed?

I often wonder if I made a big mistake getting the lap band and I should have looked into getting the Vertical Sleeve instead. I think the band is perfect for some people, but it is difficult for those of us who have struggled with eating disorders our entire lives. The band relies on your brain cooperating and not actively self-sabotaging you every step of the way and I just seem to be making this much harder than it should be.

Tummy Tuck Consult #1

2012-01-12T15:28:00.002+11:00

I had my first consult with a surgeon yesterday to have abdominioplasty. I was really nervous and hopeful at the same time, but unfortunately I didn't come away with the answers I wanted to hear.

Early on in the consultation I had to strip down to my knickers so the surgeon could examine my bits and pieces. This really wasn't that bad, I have had so many surgeries and examinations that I am used to this sort of thing now. Right away the surgeon advised that it was his opinion that I was not a good candidate for abdomnioplasty and I would need a full body lift.

So instead of just having my stomach chopped off, I would need the full body circumferential cut like the picture below. Ouch.

Source

Now what is doubly unfortunate about this is that this particular surgeon I went to see does not do body lifts. I am so disappointed because this surgeon was fantastic and I absolutely loved him and his staff and I would have no hesitation to book in with him if I could. If anyone wants a tummy tuck or boob lift/job in Melbourne I highly recommend that you go speak to him (email me for details). For reference, a tummy tuck with him is $7,000 out of pocket and a boob lift is about $5,000 out of pocket.

Despite the fact he couldn't do my surgery, the surgeon still spent over an hour with me discussing my options and giving his thoughts on my breasts, arms and thighs. He is a 'breast expert' and advised that it would be pointless for me to get a lift because he didn't think it would make a major difference. Likewise, he didn't feel like I would get huge results from getting my inner thighs or arms done. He really thought I would benefit from putting all my money toward my middle region and getting the full body lift.

In terms of assessing my stomach, he thought that I would be a good candidate for the body lift because I had mostly skin and minimal fat around my middle. He actually thought my stomach was pretty flat and I had good stomach muscle tone, which means I shouldn't need to have my muscles re-stitched.

So now I just need to wait until the end of the month for my consultation with the next surgeon who does do body lifts. I am hopeful about this guy because the surgeon from yesterday recommended him and so did my GP and lap band fill doctor. I found an article by a Biggest Loser contestant who had a body lift with him at the beginning of 2010 and she paid $18,000, which sounds about normal for this kind of surgery from what I have read. I don't know what I'll do if the surgery is more than $15,000 because that just isn't a realistic amount of money for me to come up with, but I'll decide what to do once I have all the information.

I guess it is clear that I am disappointed that I need a body lift because obviously the cost will be extremely prohibitive to me and it is also a much more serious operation. I don't care about the scarring or the pain levels, I worry more that I will need to impose on people to help me out at home and also take a chunk of time off work. I'll just have to wait until I speak to the surgeon to find out how serious these issues will be and if I'll be able to work around it.

If anyone has wants any further information or has any advice to offer please leave a comment or send me an email!

Tummy Tuck Consults

2012-01-08T21:30:00.000+11:00

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I knewwhen I had weight loss surgery that if I manged to lose a good amount of weightthat I would need to have plastic surgery to deal with my loose skin. Assomeone with an apple shaped body who has been obese since I was a small child,there was no possibility the skin would go back into place. I have had the'apron' stomach since I was in my teens and the only way to fix that is withsurgery. No amount of exercise or moisturising would ever help!

I have now lost 50 kilos (110 lbs)and kept it off for over a year but the loose skin and apron stomach have a bigimpact on my confidence. I am so happy to have lost the weight and wouldtake the loose skin over obesity any day of the week, but it doesmake life very difficult. It is very painful on my lower back to carry such anexcess amount of skin on my stomach. Not to mention that shopping and exercise are not pleasant and being mistaken for being pregnant constantly isn'tmuch fun either.

I have whinged and moaned aboutwanting abdominoplasty for the last couple of years, but havedismissed the idea because of the cost. I have found it hard to find muchinformation on the surgery here in Australia, but I have heard people sayit has cost anywhere from $5000 - $25,000. I can't seem to get anyclear information and it seems depend on the state you live in and who youselect as your surgeon. I have decided it is finally time to investigate thisfor myself and find out if it is in any way affordable and if I am even a goodcandidate for surgery.

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Ideally I would love to haveabdominioplasty, a breast lift, inner thigh lift and an arm lift, but I wouldbe happy to just get abdomnioplasty if that is all I can afford-- which is themost likely outcome! Maybe one day when my finances are a little healthier Ican go back and get my arms, thighs and boobs done.

So I am seeing a surgeon for aconsult next week and then another two at the end of the month. This is goingto cost me approximately $180 per consult (getting $75 back from medicare), soI am already stressed about the cost! I have put together a list ofquestions to ask, what do you think? Am I missing anything? Does anyone haveany experience or advice to share? Feel free to email me if you don't feel comfortableleaving a comment. I will be sure to report back with all the information I get for those who are interested.

Please wish me luck, I am terrified the surgeon is going to tell me I am delusional and too fat for surgery and I will be completely embarrassed. I know I should be more worried about the cost involved or the actual surgery, but of course I am just worried about the humiliation factor!

Some of these questions taken from here.

Are you a member of the Australian Society of Plastic Surgeons?
Were you specifically trained in the field of plastic surgery?
How many years of plastic surgery training have you had?
Do you have hospital privileges to perform this procedure?

If so, at which hospitals?

Am I a good candidate for this procedure? Is there any reason why I wouldn’t be a good candidate?
What will be expected of me to get the best results?
Is there anything I can do now to help me prepare for surgery?
Where and how will you perform my procedure?
How many abdominoplasty surgeries have you performed in your career? How many did you perform last year?
What surgical technique is recommended for me?
Would you recommend liposuction to enhance my results?
Do you expect me to get good results at this weight or should I lose additional weight before surgery?
How long of a recovery period can I expect, and what kind of help will I need during my recovery?
When can I expect to look and move normally again? (ie. when will swelling go down)
What are the risks and complications associated with my procedure?
How are complications handled?
How long will the surgery last and how long will I be under anaesthesia?
What are my options if I am dissatisfied with the cosmetic outcome of my tummy tuck? Who will cover any revision cost?
How many revisions have you had to perform?
Do you have before-and-after photos I can look at for this procedure and what results are reasonable for me?
What medications are prescribed for pain relief after surgery?
If I need anything outside of normal office hours post-op, will I be able to get in touch with you or your staff?
How long would I expect to stay in hospital?
How long would I expect to take off work?
Will I get a medical certificate for sick leave or will I need to use my annual leave?
How long until I can take an international flight after surgery?
How much will surgery cost in total? What about extras?

o Hospital

o Anaesthetist

o Post-op garments

o Post-op check ups

o Additional medication

What, if any, of this surgery is covered by medicare?
Does this surgery have an item number for my health insurance?
How long would I typically wait once I decide to book surgery
Would it be best to have arm/stomach/breast surgery done at the same time or in separate surgeries?
What cup size would I expect to be if I had a breast lift?
How many kilos of skin would you expect to remove from me during surgery?
Will my lap band need to be moved during surgery?

Balance

2012-01-05T10:10:00.000+11:00

Despite banging on about how I was going to lose weight over December, I was a big fat failure and gained a stack of weight. Shocker! I spent my holidays sitting at home and eating like it was my full time job and the scales reflected these poor choices when I weighed in on January 1st 2012 at 82.5 kilos (181.5 lbs). Ouch.

This is number is interesting for two reasons. Firstly, it is exactly what I weighed on January 1st 2011. Secondly, it is the highest I weighed on the scale all year (apart from on the 1st day of the year of course). What a way to end the year!

So I am choosing to take the positive from this and recognise how fantastic it is that I maintained my weight for the whole year. It is the first time in my life that I have neither lost or gained weight in a year, so that is something to be happy about. Of course it would be better if I was at goal weight and maintained, instead of 15 kilos away from a healthy weight, but we can't have it all.

While I am trying my best to see the positive in the way I maintained my weight all year, I am not so delusional that I can't see that I made a lot of mistakes. I spent the entire year on some kind of diet (or breaking my diet) only to lose and gain the same 5 kilos all year. I could have saved myself all that pain and heartache and just eaten a balanced diet instead of killing myself with diets and exercise for no result.

Not only that, but if I had just eaten normally and moved slightly more and eaten slightly less junk I could have not felt deprived and lost even just half a kilo a month. Half a kilo a month would obviously be 6 kilos (13 lbs) lost in the year and much better than the big fat zero kilos I lost.

So the lesson I am taking from this year is that the dieting has to stop. I know I have said this many times before, but I really mean it this time. Right now I feel fat and bloated and my clothes don't fit me and I would love nothing more than to starve myself down a few kilos until I feel more comfortable. These behaviours have to stop because 2011 proved that it doesn't work and it is a miserable way to live.

I have to be a bridesmaid in a beach wedding in just 7 weeks and I want more than anything to plan a massive diet and try and lose 7 kilos before the wedding. It pains me to say that I am not going to do that. I am going to eat sensibly and I certainly won't eat perfectly, but if I eat well enough to lose a kilo over the course of the month, than I would hope that is a kilo that will never come back again.

I would love to be able to finish 2012 and say that I lost between 5-10 kilos over the course of the year and I didn't feel deprived and I didn't have to diet and I can keep this weight off forever. I just need to reverse 25 years of dieting mentality first, so this may be easier said than done, but I am going to try.

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Thank God That Is Over

2012-01-03T11:51:00.004+11:00

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After all the bragging that 2010 was the best year I have ever had, I have to say that 2011 was the worstyear ever. Everything that could go wrong,did go wrong. I don’t want to dwell on the misery by doing a recap or goinginto the details, but I am hopeful for a better 2012. So rather than bore you with the reasons 2011 was a shitfulyear for me, I am going to talk about some of the great things I did that madelife much happier for me this year

Laser Hair Removal

I tell everyone I meet that having laser hair removal wascompletely life changing. I am not exaggerating when I say that it has been just as amazing as losing 50 kilos. For those of you with PCOS that have the hair issues you might understand what I mean.For the last 5 years I have had to shave my entire face every day due tohormonal hair growth that comes with having PCOS. Of course I tried waxing andplucking for many years before I succumbed to shaving, but there was just toomuch hair and ultimately it had to be taken care of every day. It even put me off travel and staying at other people’s houses because I would panic if I didn't know I was able to shave at least every 24 hours. Let me tell you, the 24 hour flight to London was a nightmare! This year I have had about 8 sessions of medical grade laser hair removal and I haven't had to shave my face again. Not a single daywent by when I didn't feel humiliated and ashamed when I had to shave my facelike a man so I feel like a changed person.

Facebook

I deleted my facebook page and it is definitely the bestthing I could have done and I honestly haven’t missed it at all. I really findfacebook to be quite toxic with all the drama, whinging and attention seeking.It was truly making me dislike my friends because I was learning way more aboutthem than I ever needed to know. Apart from all the boring stuff where people bragabout their kids or husband, whinge about work or talk about what they had forbreakfast, the main issue for me was the attention seeking made me feel reallyuncomfortable. People would write dramatic or ambiguous statements forattention and it made me cringe. If onemore friend updated their status with “needs a hug” I was going to slam my faceinto my keyboard. It also made me feel insecure to see people talking abouttheir amazing lives, friends and families and I couldn’t help but wonder if mylife was lacking in comparison... are other people’s lives as exciting and glamorousas they make out? I know I miss out on a lot of news, photos andinvites now that I am not on facebook (not to mention almost all my friends andfamily forgot my birthday this year), but my close friends and family still make an effort to keep me in the loopand they are the only ones that actually matter. I know facebook works for alot of people, but it just wasn't for me and I am a much happier person without it.

Debt Repayment

It is a little hard to be entirely sure exactly how much Ipaid off my credit card debt because I have shifted things around andconsolidated my cards. I do know that I paid off at least $12,000 and I didn’tadd to my credit card debt (except for my wisdom teeth surgery which I am stillpaying off). Sorry if that shocks you that a person could have that much creditcard debt and I am deeply embarrassed that I let things get so bad. I have to say that I had many asleepless night worrying about debt and money this year, but I do feel goodknowing that I am making progress. It was stressful budgeting every cent and treatswere few and far between this year. My favourite fantasy is thinking about whatI would do with my paycheck if 90% of it didn’t go to rent, bills and creditcard debt re-payment… I am still not in the clear with my debt and I have somebig expenses this year, as well as the possibility of being out of work, so mysleepless nights are not quite over yet!

Teeth

I finally bit the bullet (pun intended) and got all the dental work Ineeded done. Prior to this year, I had only been to the dentist twice in mylife when they had come to my primary school for free check-ups. As I got older I became terrified ofgoing to the dentist because of the shame of how bad I knew my teeth were and the financial cost to have them fixed. More than anything I was scared because of my fat person phobia. I can't really explain why exactly it was such a big fear, but it was just one of the many things that scared me when I was obese. In the end I had to get 6 fillings, fix a broken tooth and get all 4 wisdom teeth removed this year. Itcost a bomb, even with private health insurance I was out of pocket about$5000. I am so glad I did it though andit is such a relief having my teeth healthy for the first time and knowing that I conquered a big fear.

How sad that these boring things were my highlights... but as AJ said to me, 2011 was a consolidation year. I don't know what 2012 will hold, as usual I will just be doing my best to be better everyday, I am not sure I can do much more than that right now.

Now, here is a photo from my trip to Mt Beauty in April that holds very happy memories and makes me feel calm and peaceful-- I guess 2011 wasn't all bad!

Christmas Cheer

2011-12-30T12:11:00.002+11:00

My resolution to not get fatter over the holidays is failing yet again. I spend so much time saying no to glasses of champagne and chocolates that I eventually crack and devour everything in sight. Oh well, at least it is a fun problem to have. I do love the Christmas/Summer holidays and spending my days sleeping in, reading in the sun, going to the beach, eating take away and drinking way too much. Operation Bridesmaids Bulge will just have to start on January 1, 2012!

I have been without a camera lately since mine pretty much shit itself earlier this year so I don't have my usual round-up of boring narcissistic holiday time photos, but here are a couple from my iphone.

Eating gelato as big as my head on Southbank

Drinking a delicious and highly alcoholic birthday drink bigger than my torso!

Even the gingerbread house wasn't safe around me!

My first sunburn of summer, which is only on one half of my body, so now I just need a cute one-shoulder dress for New Years...

I hope everyone is having a fantastic holiday and eating much more healthy than I am!

Online Shopping

2011-12-19T13:14:00.000+11:00

After my horror weekend of dress shopping for my birthday I came into work Monday morning and opened my Google Reader while I had a cup of tea (diligent worker that I am) and browsed one of my favourite fashion blogs, Jaclyn Day. That morning she featured some lovely items in cobalt blue and a dress she linked to caught my attention. I went to the website and checked out the dress and then continued browsing through the rest of Piperlime because I had never heard of it before and it had some gorgeous things.

Being a Monday morning, I was feeling a little fragile and I decided I didn't give a shit about being careful with money for once and purchased 3 dresses. Their largest size is a US Large, which according to this conversion website, is an Australian size 16. Even though I had already purchased the dresses on a whim, I then checked my measurements against their sizing information and was deflated to see that it seemed I was about 10 inches too fat for them. Oh well, I decided that they would just sit on the inspiration side of my wardrobe for a while and I would hopefully fit into them one day.

For those interested, it cost me about AUD $300 all up, including $50 postage, so about $100 a dress is great for dresses delivered to your door. Now I just have to stop myself from ordering the other 50 dresses I love...

Here is what I ordered:

Link

Link
I don't think this is the exact dress I bought, it seems to have disappeared from the website, but this is very similar, same price and the same brand

Exactly one week after placing my order the dresses were delivered to my door from the US. They came in quite cute packaging with a little carry bag and a brightly decorated box...

I ripped the packing off and tried them on to see how far off they were from fitting me. The first dress with the feather pattern was too small. The zip wouldn't do up and the dress had no give at all. It is a lovely dress though and I will definitely keep it and hope I can wear it when I go to Byron Bay in February. The blue dress fit OK, I could get away with it, but I would prefer it a little looser if possible. It is much nicer in real life than it looks in the picture. The skirt is pleated and the colour is beautiful. I look forward to wearing it soon hopefully!

Lastly, the dress I most wanted to fit because I had bought it with the hope I could wear it to my birthday dinner this week, was the black sequin dress. I actually think that I can get away with it, what do you think? It is quite short so I will wear black tights with it even though it is summer! I am cold all the time anyway, so I still wear tights most days unless it is a heat wave. Now I just have to brave the shopping mall for some killer earrings and a little bag and I am all set.

The pictures do not do the dress justice because it is so sparkley and gorgeous in real life. I'll post pictures when I am all dressed up properly, in the pictures below I was just about to go to the gym so I am without make up and my hair is slicked back in a greasy pony tail. My birthday is Friday night and we are having dinner in the city (it's actually a family Christmas dinner, but since it's my birthday I'll pretend it is for me) and I am staying in a fancy hotel so I am looking forward to getting ready and having something nice to wear. Yay, I can't wait!

Shop Till You Drop

2011-12-15T11:06:00.000+11:00

Shopping at 130 kilos was practically impossible and Iactually got to the point where often the largest sizes in plus size clothingstores would not fit me. I always pictured that if I was ever lucky enoughto lose weight that the clothing world would be my oyster. I could go into any shop and most, if not everything, would fit me. My biggest problem wouldbe that I had so many lovely options that it would be difficult to choose.These are the things I day dreamed about when I was bigger…

I have now lost 50 kilos and weigh 79.3 kilos (175 lbs) andI really thought I should now be able to fit into size 16's at the ‘normal’ sizeshops. I really don’t shop much because I can’t afford to spend money onclothes when I am still (trying to) lose weight so I haven’t had much of anopportunity to see what does and doesn’t fit me. It is my birthday next week and I am going outfor a nice dinner so I decided to head out shopping and treat myself with a new dress.

I started shopping last week and I spentabout 3 hours looking through all the shops in the city after work one night. I tried on every pretty dress ina size 16 (biggest size in most shops) and they were ALL too small. Some I can't get done up at all, others go on but are skin tight around my fat stomach and too big around my shoulders.

So I am a bit shaken, but I head out again the next night,determined to find something nice to wear for my birthday. This time I try onnot only the things that I like, but absolutely anything I can find that mayfit me. It is a hot and sticky night and I am getting more and more flusteredas I have to leave the change room and hand over about 12 items to a hopeful lookingshopping assistant asking how I went. Each time I have to explain that theywere too small and she offers to get me bigger sizes and I have to advise herthat they are the biggest sizes in the shop. Joyful times.

I even try a couple of less trendy shops that go up to asize 18, while the clothes might not be my cup of tea, I am hopeful there mightbe something that is kind of wearable. I finally have success with a size 18 dress that fits. Well, it fitsaround my stomach, but is easily 2 sizes too big around my shoulders. I tellmyself that I can wear a cardigan and it might not be noticeable. Then I reallylook at the dress and realize it is hideous and decide to just get the hell outof there.

Would you believe that I went back one more time over the weekend to try again (by this stage I had been to 3 different shopping centres!). I was supposed to be helping AJ shop for work shirts, but I couldn't help but have a little look for myself and try some things on. Same old story, everything clinging tightly around my fat stomach. I even tried the plus size stores, but they are way too big. I am stuck in limbo.

So now I am in full pity party mode. I am sick of my stupid deformed body that can't wear normal clothes. It is clear that nothing will fit me properly until I get body lift surgery to get rid of my hideous apron stomach and loose skin, but strangely enough I don't have a spare $20k sitting around to get that done! I just need to try and remember all the important reasons I lost weight and not focus on this one little problem...

One of the dresses that I tried on that I absolutely loved. It may look like it fits, but I couldn't get the zipper done up at all. I wanted to buy it anyway, but at $280 I couldn't justify the expense for a dress that may not ever fit.

Weekly Goal Check In

2011-12-13T10:47:00.000+11:00

Last Tuesday I set myself a few goals for the week to try and step it up and start losing weight again. I am extremely happy to be able to come back now and let you know that I did achieve these small goals. I am often not very good at sticking to my goals, but knowing I had made a public commitment really helped.

Make an appointment to get a fill in my lap band
I managed to get squeezed in for an appointment last Tuesday night and the doctor gave 0.2 mls, so I now have 5.9 mls in a 10 ml band. I was lucky to get that appointment because my doctor is now on leave until mid-February, so that would have been a bummer. I can feel the difference in that I need to eat a bit slower and food is more likely to get stuck, but I can't say that I feel like it has done much to satiate my hunger. I am not sure if I will ever find that sweet spot on my lap band.

Go to the gym 4 times
This was very hard, but I managed to get it done, even if it nearly killed me a couple of nights. I went to the gym Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday and Monday, as well as doing pilates at work on Tuesday afternoon for a little bonus workout. Getting 4 workouts a week is tough at the moment because I have a lot of things on, but it can be done if you really commit (and go to the gym late at night!).

Enjoy only one off plan meal on the weekend
Out of all my mini goals for the week, this was certainly the most difficult! My planned treat meal was Saturday night out for dinner and drinks with a friend. The problem is that on Sunday I was hung over and really wanted a cheeseburger and a coke to sort me out. Not only that, but I had several Christmas drinks/functions to go to during the week where I had to be boring and sip on mineral water while everyone else was drinking champagne.

So I was really happy with the work that I put in this week and I was hoping my effort would begin to show on the scales when I weighed myself last Friday. But no... So far for the month of December when I have 'stepped it up' I have managed to gain 100 grams. I can't believe I haven't lost any weight this month so far. So much for my plan to lose 3 kilos, it looks like that isn't going to happen unless I get decapitated.

Woe is me. I really hate the freaking scales.

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Bridesmaid Dress- The Before Photos

2011-12-08T12:40:00.000+11:00

My Chinese bridesmaid dress just arrived in the post! Keep in mind that I just took the below photos myself in the disabled toilet at work so hopefully that explains the weird poses, crazy eyes and poor quality.

First thing first, massive sigh of relief that it isn't too small. Phew. In fact, it is actually too big and I will need to get it taken in. I think it will look a lot better when it is fitted around my chest and waist and isn't all creased. It'll also look better when I am wearing a proper strapless bra and some spanx. Not to mention losing 5 kilos and slapping on some fake tan. So let's call these photos the before pictures...

I am also thinking that it really needs a belt of some kind to break it up and make it look a bit cuter. The colour of the dress is actually coral (though it looks a little hot pink in the photos) and I am not sure how to accessorize it properly. I think we are going to wear nude/beige shoes, so does anyone have any ideas on the color for the belt? The bride is very easy going in terms of colours and what we wear, so anything goes!

All you gorgeous fashionistas please send me any ideas that you come up with for accessories. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Getting Shit Done

2011-12-08T10:33:00.001+11:00

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Going to work can occasionally be useful because yesterday I heard about this great website at a seminar that I attended. It is called iDoneThis and is a great way to motivate yourself to get things done and keep track of your achievements. Everyday it sends you an email asking you what you did today and you just reply to it and it will update your information in a calendar for you.

There are heaps of uses for a tool like this, but I am using it to track my workouts. It'll be a great way to reflect at the end of each month and see if I am working out as much as I think I am and get a reality check. I'll be sure to bore you senseless by posting my monthly calendar of workouts!

Here is the email I received today...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi there. Take 30 seconds to write out what you got done today.
Today is day zero. Clean slate.
But remember the ancient wisdom -- a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single email.

Don't forget.
Just reply to our email to make an entry.
And put each thing you did on its own line
like
this.
iDoneThis is a part of the slow web movement. After you email us, your calendar is not updated instantaneously. But rest up, and you'll find an updated calendar when you wake.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have only just started to use it, let me know if you're using it and if you find it motivational. So far I have already logged my 2 gym workouts for the week, hopefully there will be many more to come!

PS- I hope this doesn't sound like a sales pitch because I have had it up to here with reading blogs flogging crap lately. Strangely enough it isn't so much the weight loss blogs I read, but the food, fashion and mummy blogs (not that I read many mummy blogs!) that are constantly posting boring reviews of crap they got for free. What is more irritating is that it isn't just one review, about 5 different bloggers will all have received the same free thing or invitation to an event and you get the joy of reading about it multiple times. I can't believe bloggers think we want to read a whole post about the can of instant coffee they received in the mail. Have they lost their minds?

Sucking It Up

2011-12-06T12:45:00.001+11:00

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Since I have recommitted to actually losing these last 10 kilosthings have been up and down. As usual, I am fine throughout the week, but weekends are tough. Too much eating out, too much take away and way too muchchocolate! I won’t even get started onthe wine for fear of being called an alcoholic in the comments yet again... (Ipromise I am not even close to an alcoholic!) I really wish I had the motivation I had when I lost weightin the first 18 months of having the lap band. I have completely lost myability to just suck it up and stick to a diet. This is somewhat understandable I guess because, let’s faceit, dieting really sucks!

FOOD

I am beginning to think I may need to go and see my lap banddoctor and get a fill. I have noticed lately that I am able to scoff my fooddown at an alarming pace and eat all sorts of things that I probably shouldn’tbe able to eat with a band. God I hate going to see the lap band doctor though… getting that look when you weigh in and seethat you haven’t lost any weight againeven though you promised you would. I might just have to suck it up and dealwith the shame if I want any chance of getting through the holidays without amassive gain.

EXERCISE

I must admit that I am yet to go to my new gym as much as I would have liked because I did pilates last week at work and I was left with very severe DOMS. Just getting up from the couch was difficult for most of the week, so the idea of going to the gym was not appealing. ß Case in point of my complete lack of ability to toughen up and just stick to a diet and exercise plan!

No more excuses, it’s time to make some goals for the week:.

· Make anappointment to get a fill in my lap band

· Go tothe gym four times

· Enjoy only one off plan meal on the weekend

Those goals really shouldn't be too hard... Feel free to give me hell if I don't stick to them!

What are your goals for the week?

December Weigh In

2011-12-01T09:25:00.001+11:00

It has been a long time since I have weighed in on this blog. I do weigh myself occasionally at home, but I don't really like the pressure of having to 'weigh in'. The last time I formally weighed in was back in April when I was 75.7 kilos (166 lbs), but at the time I was on a crazy low carb diet. As lovely as it was to see those low numbers, they didn't stick around for long once I caved and started eating carbs again.

I am hoping that getting back to weighing myself will give me the drive and accountability to lose 5-10 kilos (11 - 22 lbs) and be at a place where I feel more confident about my body and can comfortably wear clothes from the 'normal' shops. Not to mention the whole being a bridesmaid in a few months and not wanting to look huge in my coral chiffon dress! I also want to build my strength and fitness back up, but that doesn't have anything to do with weight loss and is more about exercising and eating the right foods to fuel my body.

The results...

Heaviest Weight: 129.7 kilos (285 lbs)
Current Weight: 79.5 kilos (175 lbs)

I am not too happy with that number because only last week I was at least a kilo lighter and since then I have had my eating 100% and been exercising. I strongly suspect that this is due to some new medication I started taking on Sunday that has given me crazy insomnia and I have slept less than 3 hours per night this week and last night I didn't sleep at all. So I am feeling like a puffy, tired, walking zombie at work right now. I can really understand why sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture!

December is going to be tough. I have to admit that I have never lost weight or even maintained my weight during December because I do love me some Christmas cheer! I am not one to say no to a glass (or bottle) of champers or any of the delicious treats that surround us at Christmas. I love having an excuse to catch up with all my friends and family and have a drink and a laugh so I don't want to miss out on that this year, I just need to be more careful. Easier said than done...

I have set myself the rather lofty goal to lose 3 kilos this December. This is going to be hard because even on my best weight loss months I struggled to lose 3 kilos. It is achievable and I will do my best to reach that goal and come back here on January 1st 2012 with a good weigh in.

Is anyone else pushing themselves with weight loss goals this December?

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The Gym: Part 367

2011-11-28T14:28:00.001+11:00

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I cannot stress how boring I find the gym... I have discussed it many times on this blog. I just find it so ridiculous that I spend about 10 hours a day sitting on my arse getting to and from work and being at work. Then I go home and, in the small amount of free time I have, I walk on a treadmill. It also involves a lot of fiddling about packing gym gear, charging my ipod, remembering my water bottle and gym towel, taking money for the locker and then washing gym gear. The whole process irritates me.

That being said, I lost the bulk of my weight going to the gym, so I am well aware of it's many benefits. This year alone I started off going to women only gym and then cancelled my membership. Then I bought this elliptical machine to use at home, which I tossed out a few weeks later because it was a piece of crap. Then I bought an email deal for a $29 gym membership and I went for a few weeks but I didn't like the facilities and it wasn't really in a convenient location.

So why do I have an appointment tonight to sign up at another gym? I am blaming AJ. To be perfectly honest, I would be happy not to go back to the gym ever again, but I am going to support him. A few months back he hurt his back quite badly and he had to take a month off work and have daily physio visits. He has now gained some movement back and his physio has told him he has to join a gym to build his strength up. I feel bad making him go by himself because it is so much more motivating to do these things with someone else. It would really suck for him if he has to go to the gym while I am at home on the couch watching TV.

The situation with his back was quite scary and I will do anything I can to help him get back to normal because it almost killed him not being able to move and being in so much pain. It also nearly killed me having to do all the housework and 'man jobs' around our place! As you can imagine, I did not suffer in silence... Don't feel too sorry for AJ though because the lucky bastard managed to lose 8 kilos while he was sick.

This new gym we are joining is a 5-10 minute walk from my place and is open 24 hours, which suits me because I like working out at odd times. I hate being part of the after-work crush and would much prefer to go on a Sunday night when there are less men sweating all over the machines. AJ even emailed me before and suggested we should go to the gym at midnight on New Years Eve... that may be taking things a little too far...

If anything I should be happy for the motivation because it works well with Operation Bridesmaid Bulge plan and my mission to tone up my flabby arms. Looks like I will be pumping a lot of iron this summer.

Hideous flabby crepe paper arms

Operation Bridesmaid Bulge

2011-11-25T08:00:00.000+11:00

Oh my God. It is exactly 3 months today until I have to be a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. How is it that I have let myself get fatter between now and when I first found out? I wasn't looking to lose a stack of weight, but a few kilos would have been nice.

We ordered our bridesmaids dresses online the other day and, according to the measurements we took, I am a size 24. WTF. Bloody Asian sizing... sob.

There is no fading into the background in a (size 24) coral chiffon bridesmaids dress so there is only one thing to do-- get my arse into gear. I have exactly 3 months to get back down to my lightest (and most comfortable) weight. Regular weighing in will resume on December 1 and I will be talking a lot more about diet and exercise and less about food and wine on this blog! But first, here are some recent pictures of me eating and drinking way too much...

Me dressed up for a race day party and practicing posing... after a discussion on an article we had all read on posing for photos. Not really a natural look!

Later that night with my brother... this is more like my natural look!

With an old friend at a wedding.

Seemingly enjoying that cupcake way more than is appropriate!

Power Bars

2011-11-22T11:27:00.001+11:00

*EDIT* Pictures should be fixed now! They aren't that interesting though...

After having a lap band, I still find it incredibly difficult to get all the protein and other vitamins I need and as a result I have anemia, B12 deficiency and I am CONSTANTLY exhausted. This has been by far the hardest part about dealing with the lap band. You would think that losing all this weight will make you healthier, but I am not sure if I could say that about myself. I find it very difficult to exercise these days, I am always at the doctors getting more tablets and needles, I can't donate blood anymore and I have to get AJ to open a bloody bottle of soft drink for me because I never have the strength!

I do want to be healthier so I really think about every piece of food that I put in my mouth:

Is it high in protein?
Is it high in fibre?
Is it low in carbs?
Is it band friendly?

Of course I am nowhere near perfect and when I am digging into a tub of ice cream the only question I am asking is does it have caramel, white chocolate and macadamias?

One of the things I have relied on to get me through a busy day is protein bars because they generally satisfy all my criteria and it is easy to keep a supply in your desk drawer or in your handbag. I find them perfect for the afternoon sugar craving and they keep me full until dinner. God, I sound like an advertisement, but unfortunately no one is paying me to say this!

The only problem is that they are sooo expensive here in Australia. The low carb protein bars are generally about $4.50 each, which is more than I can afford on a daily basis. So I decided to see what I could find online and discovered that I could order a box of 5 bars for almost that same price from this website in the US. I bought 15 boxes and it cost me $120 (including delivery, which was the most expensive part). This works out at only $1.60 per bar, which is a much more reasonable price.

They are all Atkins brand, not because I am following the Atkins diet, but I just find them to be the nicest brand and I am also sucked in by all the yummy flavours. So here is what I got... I have only tried a couple so far, but my current favourite is the peanut butter granola bar.

Does anyone else have any good suggestions for getting their protein in?

The slightly crushed haul of bars that arrived at my work

Cinnamon Bun Bar

Cookies n' Creme Bar

Caramel Chocolate Peanut Nougat Bar

Chocolate Peanut Butter Bar

Chocolate Crisp Bar

Peanut Butter Granola Bar

Caramel Fudge Brownie Bar

Dark Chocolate Almond Coconut Crunch Bar

Peanut Butter Fudge Crisp Bar

Sweet & Salty Almond Crunch Bar

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bar

Coconut Almond Delight Bar

Peanut Butter Cup

OK, these aren't protein bars, but I just had to try them!

Body Analysis Testing

2011-11-03T11:45:00.002+11:00

A few months back AJ booked us in to a special exercise science studio for Metabolic Function Analysis. AJ works at a company where they are offer free health coaching and his health coach suggested that we do this to get a better understanding of our metabolisms and the foods we should be eating for weight loss. I was a little nervous because the centre deals primarily with elite athletes and it all looked a little serious for me because I don’t really believe over analyzing weight loss, but I thought it would be interesting.

The main reason we went was for the metabolism test where you breathe into a machine for 12 minutes and the machine tells you how you metabolise food. I went first and was told that my metabolism run 5% slower than the average person, which didn’t really surprise me too much. Then AJ was up next and his results showed that his metabolism runs at a 20% faster rate than the average person. Feel free to hate him.

We didn't do the Bod Pod test to get an exact reading of body fat/muscle analysis because I wasn't certain of the accuracy when I have a lot of loose skin that needs to be removed. I guess it would be interesting to do it one day, but I’m not really sure if knowing how much of my body is fat or muscle will impact on my life too much…

We were booked in for a 2 hour session but in the end we were getting bored so we cut it short so we could go shopping. The person running the session reminded me of one of those guys trying to sell you a gym membership. He didn’t really listen to us and just seemed to give us the standard spiel. I was prepared to tell him that I had lap band surgery and had previously lost 50 kilos, but I honestly couldn't get a word in and so I gave up.

TESTS

Exercise: This is an estimate of the number of calories you would burn with 30 minutes at a moderate exercise level.

Lifestyle & Activity: This is the number of calories you burn performing your daily activities (working, playing, eating).

Resting Metabolic Rate: This is the number of calories your body burns everyday at rest.

MY RESULTS

Exercise: 190 calories

Lifestyle & Activity: 456 calories

Resting Metabolic Rate: 1526 calories

To maintain my current weight: 1526 - 1982 calories per day

To lose weight: 1222 - 1526 calories per day

The consultant told me that to lose 1 kilo (2.2 lbs) per week I would need to eat 1400 calories a day and exercise for at least 30 minutes per day. He advised I balance my diet out as following:

40% carbs
40% protein
20% fat

If I ate like that I would be the side of a house! There is no way my PCOS body could tolerate 40% carbohydrates, but of course I wasn't able to tell him that because he was more interested at talking at me rather than listening to me.

I am probably being a little harsh on the poor guy, he really wasn't that bad. I understand that he is used to working with dedicated athletes so I don't think he knew what to do with a fat woman who has no interest in dedicating her life to exercise or calorie counting. It was a fascinating experience though and I'm glad we did it. I do recommend body analysis testing if you are curious to see your numbers... or just want to wear a nose clip and breathe into a tube for 12 minutes...


You can tell this was taken a few months ago because I am wearing my skinny jeans that no longer fit!

AJ taking this test very seriously! (stupid photo won't flip the right way, sorry)

The Truth About Low Carb

2011-10-28T08:18:00.011+11:00

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You can bet that any time my jeans get a little snug (or even split at the seams) I start buying eggs in bulk. I just can't help but go back to low carb eating to rid myself of those extra kilos... no matter how many times I try and fail with it! It is like an abusive relationship that keeps promising that we can make it work... if we just try harder...

Things I have learned from eating low carb… the good and the bad!

I can lose a phenomenal amount of weight if I follow a low carb eating plan
I need carbs to fuel my body and it doesn’t like to get out of bed in the morning without them
If you write ‘low carb’ on a product it will cost you 3 times as much money
Fat doesn’t make you fat
Life isn't worth living without ice cream
Wine is low carb- thank god!
Fibre is your friend
Ketosis makes your breath smell
Low carb food substitutes are NO substitute!
Sugar withdrawals cause massive headaches
If you tell someone you are eating low carb they will give you a really boring lecture about how unhealthy it is to eat that way
Bacon is amazing

Most importantly…

Do not underestimate the warnings on low carb bars that state ‘May cause laxative effect’!!!

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True Measure of Success

2011-10-26T16:14:00.002+11:00

I was reading fellow lap band blogger, Dinnerland, the other day and some things she said really got me thinking. She spoke about all the amazing things in her life that she successfully controls, but that the one thing she hasn’t been able to control without the help of weight loss surgery was her eating. Which, by the way, she has done phenomenally and is a real lap band success story!

Anyway, the reason this struck a chord with me was because it made me look inward and see that maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself all the time. I have put together a pretty nice life for myself, I have a good job, a nice place to live, great friends and I work hard to support and care for my family and I even try to be a nice person most of the time. So why is it that I let the one thing that I don’t do so well (controlling my eating) rule the way I value myself and my success in life?

I place no importance on the appearance of others or what size clothes they wear or how they eat, so why do I hold it as the ultimate indicator of success in myself? No one I know cares how much I weigh or is even interested in such a mundane topic. Yet I continue to use it as the way to measure my success and happiness.

Unfortunately it isn’t as simple as identifying this logic and fixing it. Almost 30 years of being overweight and hating myself can’t be erased over night. I will certainly work on it though because even I am sick of hearing myself talk about this crap!

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Bridesmaid Dress Shopping

2011-10-24T16:40:00.000+11:00

The time to go bridesmaid dress shopping for my soon-to-be sister-in-law's wedding finally arrived on Saturday. Of course I had planned to have lost weight by now... big shock that didn't happen. As much as I was looking forward to the girly fun of bridesmaid dress shopping, I was nervous that my weight would be an issue and I would embarrass myself and make life difficult for the bride. Instead of getting too stressed about it, I just told myself to be grateful that I am no longer a size 24 and have fun.

Our first stop was a fancy, appointment only, boutique that made me a little nervous. They didn't have any sizes larger than a 14, so I just had to try the dresses on and not zip them. Let me tell you, fat spilling out of taffeta is not a good look! Lucky I wasn't the only one with this problem because even the other girls were struggling to get zipped into their dresses-- those designer brands run very small.

We didn't find anything we loved, but just as we were about to leave the shop assistant pointed out a dress on a mannequin that we should try. The dress on the mannequin was the only one they had left and it was a size 12. Given that our group consisted of sizes 10, 12 and 16 this was going to be a little tricky. Weirdly enough when we all tried it on it looked amazing on all of us, even though it didn't zip up on me or the size 12 girl. It was just like the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants!

We found out that the dress was $460 and wouldn't arrive until a week before the wedding, so we decided to keep looking. We moved onto a much cheaper area that had multiple shops to try and spent hours drowning in chiffon and satin. I still struggled to fit into many dresses because most shops didn't stock above a size 14, even though they said they could be ordered in all sizes up to 24. WTF? Am I the only fat bridesmaid in Melbourne? Nonetheless, it was still fun and here is one photo I managed to get of me with two of the other bridesmaids (another one lives in the UK and couldn't come) trying on dresses before we were told off for taking pictures.

Holy crap, that is what happens to your arms when you stop weight training and don't see the sun for 6 months. I have a lot of work to do before the wedding!!!

So after many hours of shopping the only conclusion we had come to was that we should hit up the internet and look at ordering a dress online. It seemed that most of the dresses were being ordered from China anyway, so we decided we should skip the middleman and order directly. A few of us spent hours looking through dress sites on Saturday night and one of the girls managed to find the original dress that we all loved and for $400 less too!

What do you think?

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The colour is still to be decided once we order a colour swatch and a sample dress to check for quality. I really don't mind, I am just happy we have decided on a dress that isn't tight around my fat stomach. Phew. The wedding is at the end of February, so now I just have to work on toning my arms and getting my fake tan happening!

Polly Dolly Bridesmaid Challenge

2011-10-21T09:54:00.001+11:00

I always enjoy reading fashionista blogs Polly Dolly challenges but I have never played along because it looked too hard for my basic interneting skills.This week when Danimezza posted a bridesmaid challenge (given my impending weekend bridesmaid dress shopping expedition) I knew I had to play along.

The challenge is:

What would your bridesmaids wear?

Wow, looking at what other girls have posted, my taste is very boring, I need to be way more edgy! I also need to learn how to design a page... I told you my internet skills were bad.

I must admit that I am probably the only girl I know who has no desire to ever get married, so this is as close as I will come to dressing my bridesmaids. Even if I did get married I certainly wouldn't choose a dresses for my bridesmaids to wear... maybe I would just give some strong hints!

But, if I did turn into a bridezilla and get all controlling over what the bridesmaids wore, this is what I would choose. In fact, I want this outfit so bad it hurts. Damn you to hell Zimmerman for only making this dress up to a size 12 (and damn me for not fitting into a size 12)!!!

If you haven't been to Polyvore you should check it out, but please don't blame me fore the hours you'll waste drooling over the beautiful clothes! Let me know if you create any nice looks to share.

Back To The Drawing Board

2011-10-20T10:00:00.000+11:00

Over the past year I have made no progress with my weight loss, in fact I have gone backwards and gained weight. Maybe I needed that year off to adjust to life after losing 50 kilos, but mostly I just wanted a break from dieting and deprivation.

I am still not really weighing myself, which is so freeing, I highly recommend it! Unfortunately I don’t need the scale to tell me I have gained weight. My clothes are tighter, my face has pudged up and I can really feel the extra weight on my torso. So with summer coming now is the time for me to nip this is the bud before I wake up and find myself weighing 130 kilos again.

The other day I found myself silently praying that the top I was planning on wearing would still fit me and it gave me all sorts of flashbacks from when I was morbidly obese. I miss the feeling of putting on clothes and knowing they will fit me perfectly or even that they will be too big and I need the size down! Avoiding half the clothes in my wardrobe is not fun.

This year I have tried all sorts of ways to lose the last 10-15 kilos. First there was low carb, then intuitive eating and then back to general healthy eating (fruits, veg, nuts, grains, lean meats) and nothing has given me results. Low carb really works for me, the weight loss is amazing, but I find it too hard to stick to long term. There is no way my demented emotional eating head is ready for intuitive eating, it just sees it as an open door to eat a whole tub of ice cream. Healthy eating is great for maintenance, but I just can’t lose weight on it because having PCOS and insulin resistance means that for me to lose weight I need to minimize my carbs and calories. Back to the drawing board.

I was musing (whinging) about my weight loss woes to AJ the other day and he came up with a simple solution… men can be so damned practical. He said, ‘Why don’t you just go back to doing whatever you did to lose the first 50 kilos?’. Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that? So basically I need to go back to exercising 4 times a week, keeping my calories around 1000 per day and limiting carbs. The only problem with that plan is that is obviously no fun!

I keep waiting for life to get easier… when work isn’t so busy… when I am sleeping better… when family shit isn’t hitting the fan… when it isn’t so cold… when I have more energy… Well I need to remember that there is never a perfect time to get started and I just need to toughen up. I am going bridesmaid dress shopping on Saturday so I am sure that will terrify me into ditching the chocolate and putting on my runners!

Sticky Situation 2

2011-10-13T17:24:00.000+11:00

I'm lucky that I have had my lap band for a good couple of years now so most of the time I know which foods to eat that are 'band appropriate'. I do still get stuck on food occasionally, usually because I try to eat too quickly, but I can often go weeks without incident. This topic comes to mind today because I had my usual quiche for lunch at work, but managed to go too fast and had to make a dash for the bathroom to get rid of it. I couldn't remember the last time this had happened to me at work, which got me thinking about a rather embarrassing incident that happened earlier this year...

I had managed to get something I was eating stuck while eating my lunch at my desk (probably quiche again), so I went to the bathroom to remedy the situation. I checked that the bathroom was empty so none of my colleagues would overhear me and then went about my business. It was one of those rather violent and loud episodes that goes on and on. I finally emerged from the bathroom stall and was horrified to come face-to-face with a colleague who had overheard the whole thing. She had come into the bathroom to do her make-up and I hadn't heard her arrive over the noise of my heaving!

We both looked at each other and quickly looked away and then she scurried out looking extremely uncomfortable. Obviously she had come to the (seemingly logical) conclusion that I was bulimic. To say I was embarrassed is an understatement. I go to a lot of effort to be extremely professional at work, I rarely talk to colleagues about my personal life, cause any drama, or god forbid, cry. So this was mortifying for me.

The problem is that, despite the fact that we see each other in the hallway or lift at work every day, we don't actually know each other and I wasn't even 100% sure of her name. So I didn't feel comfortable explaining the truth about the lap band to her and, to be honest, she doesn't give off a very friendly vibe. Now every time her name comes up at work I blush furiously and wonder if she has told any of my fellow colleagues about what happened.

Then there was the time I had to vomit into a rubbish bin in very busy St Kilda beach... I had something from lunch stuck, but stupidly decided to eat gelato while walking on the beach, which obviously made the situation much worse. It was the middle of summer and the queue for the public toilets was really long and I just couldn't make it. I am a very squeamish person and I struggle when other people talk about gross things on blogs, but let me just say that it was like vomiting up a jelly fish. Slime everywhere and not delicate at all.

Strangely enough, even though the second incident took place in front of hundreds of people, it is the first one that still makes me cringe when I think about it.

Please tell me I am not the only lap bander that has publicly embarrassed myself like this!

source

Yarra Valley Weekend

2011-10-10T10:36:00.001+11:00

I love heading off to the Yarra Valley on weekend day trips to try new wines and indulge in delicious food as much as I can. I have always wanted to stay over and spend the whole weekend and really relax... and not have to worry about anyone driving home! In fact, my poor neglected '30 before 30' list includes:

16. Spend an indulgent weekend at B@lgownie Est@te in the Yarra Valley

Recently I was able to purchase a weekend at B@lgownie on one of those cheap email deals so I snapped it up and began planning a very indulgent long weekend!

We headed to the Yarra Valley early Friday morning, but only minutes into our first adventure, hiking through the rain forest in Marysville, my camera battery died. So you are spared from dozens of holiday snaps... but I have included a few blurry ones taken on my iphone. They were a nightmare to upload and blogger was not cooperating, so sorry for the crappy post!

It was a blissful weekend of wine, cheese, restaurants, walking, markets, breweries, movies and sleeping. Perfection! As per usual, now I just want to start planning my next weekend away...

Walking through the rain forest in Marysville

Keppel Falls

AJ beer tasting at Hargreaves Hill Brewery

Me helping out with the arduous beer tasting task

My new favourite drink!

Delicious pie

Hargreaves Hill Brewery

B@lgownie reception area

Restaurant at B@lgownie

The view from my room

AJ in the spa

Walking (stumbling) through the fields to get to our next winery

AJ sampling wines

Mandala winery

My new favourite cider from Punt Road Winery

One of many, many wines I tasted

Drinking wine by the fire at the restaurant at B@lgownie

Me with my sparkling pear wine purchased from Badger Creek Blueberry Winery

TarraWarra Estate

AJ enjoying the sun and the views

AJ tasting wine at Train Trak winery

A wall of corks at Train Traks

Wine and cheese tasting- bliss!

Me on the balcony

Show Time

2011-10-07T11:09:00.001+11:00

More pictures!!! Can you tell I am getting bored while I am on enforced bed rest this week? Not that I am complaining because eating ice cream in bed and watching TV is pretty much my favourite thing ever.

The day after our grand final celebrations we were on such a high that we decided to go to the Melbourne Show, especially considering we live just around the corner from the showgrounds and the sun was shining. I hadn't been to the show in many years, but when I was growing up it was a massive treat any time we were taken to the show. Of course being overweight my whole life I was always too scared to go on any of the rides, instead I stalked out the show bags and spent all my pocket money on the bag with the most chocolate. Well, not much has changed, I still spent all my money on chocolate! I'm no longer scared of the rides, but I didn't think it was a good idea for my hangover to be spinning upside down so I stayed grounded and instead spent my time in the food arenas!

Buying Geelong 2011 Premiers stubby holders from the AFL booth

The crowds were crazy, I'll never go on a weekend again

Connie and Juanita experiencing their first show day

Dagwood dogs of course!

AJ captivated by the wool... he is still a country boy...

Juanita patting a sheep

Onto second lunch (of 3 lunches that day)

Some of the amazing cakes

Dog showing, as boring as it looks...

Waffle on a stick!

Salted caramel ice cream- yum!!!

Examining the loot in our show bags!

Happy Day

2011-10-05T16:07:00.000+11:00

I think I have made it clear on this blog that I am a big Geelong supporter here, here, and here. I was super excited that we had the opportunity to play off in another grand final and even better, all my family were back in the country to watch together. I'm not sure if I mentioned it yet, but my brother and his fiance moved back from Canada and rented a house practically next door to me. So we all went over to their place to watch the game and enjoy a few drinks...

Me making cupcakes for the game at home

My Geelong (Cats) themed cupcakes

Yum, these were delicious!

Me organising the games for the big game, we all got players and won prizes depending on who scored first goals, free kicks, Norm Smith etc

The players I drew

Blue jelly shots!

Me and my brother's girlfriends before the game

The jelly shots began after the first quarter to settle our nerves

I hid behind the couch because I could barely stand to watch because it was so close, which Connie thought was weird and came over to make fun of me

Half time and things were not looking good, so it was time for some STRONG blue cocktails

Saying a prayer to the football Gods with our blue cocktails

AJ taking a mark at half time

Ashton and Connie having a half time kick

Shannon and Juanita watching the game

Stressful times!

Connie making another round of cocktails

Shannon and Juanita celebrating Geelong coming back

OMG we might actually win!

Woo hoo, Geelong wins!

Me obviously getting drunker...

After the siren when we won!!!

Me celebrating

AJ celebrating

Singing the Geelong theme song!

End of game footy kick where I jarred my finger badly and just about everyone managed to injure themselves

Things got more and more crazy as the evening wore on, but I passed out pretty early and then woke up at 1.00 am with a kebab in my hand and a lot of pain from my finger (which I thought was broken) and a massive bruise on my back from where I fell between the toilet and bath. It was an awesome day!

The bruise on my back, but I can't turn the photo the right way, my stripey pj pants should be at the bottom of the photo. Apologies for the roll of fat!

Loss Of Wisdom

2011-10-04T11:58:00.000+11:00

It is so strange the things that you let hold you back when you are overweight. One of the biggest (and more painful) issues for me was my teeth. I knew I had a lot of cavities that needed filling and I knew I needed my wisdom teeth out, but I just didn't have the confidence to go to the dentist to get my teeth fixed.

Unless you have been obese it might be hard to understand why going to the dentist would be a fat phobia, but I was scared of so many things. The judgement from the dentist that I was so fat and clearly didn't eat well and getting my heavy body onto and off the examination were just a couple of things that terrified me.

I am ashamed to say that, until recently, I had only been to the dentist twice in my life. Dental care in Australia is very expensive and so it wasn't something my family could afford growing up and as I got older (and fatter) my fear of the dentist intensified and I managed to avoid going despite the fact I could only eat on one side of mouth for years.

Late last year I finally decided it was time to get my teeth sorted and so mustered all my courage and visited the dentist for the first time in many years and started the long and expensive process of getting my teeth fixed. I needed 6 cavities filled and a broken tooth fixed. The funny thing is that the dentist showed me that my fears were valid when she berated me for eating so many sweets to need so many fillings and made me feel like a glutton. Even though I was no longer obese, I was still humiliated!

The next step was getting x-rays on my wisdom teeth and the dentist confirming that I needed all 4 wisdom teeth out as soon as possible. So yesterday I went into hospital to have my 4 wisdom teeth extracted. I really wasn't very nervous about the procedure, just excited to have them pulled out finally. Over the past 6-7 years they had caused me a tremendous amount of pain with infections and abscesses, so it was just a relief to know that I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore.

The surgery went well and the hospital staff were all amazing and now I am resting up in bed on some lovely strong pain killers with a week off work to recover. The most painful thing right now is the $3,500 out of pocket expenses- ouch! Obviously I am hoping that the liquid diet I am on all week will give me a nice weight loss boost before summer... I just need to cut back on the custard and ice cream...

Silver Lining

2011-09-28T10:34:00.000+10:00

Another day… another strange tram experience… I spend way too many hours of my week on the 57 tram and, of all the tram routes I have lived on (including St Kilda and Fitzroy!), I can definitely say it is the craziest.

I am no stranger to weird public transport encounters because I have one of those faces that says “pick me to harass or ask for money”. It really doesn’t bother me because I most of these people are mentally ill or drug affected and just need a little help or someone to listen to them.

The other day a young man, who was mostly likely under the influence of drugs, decided he didn’t like me. So he proceeded to spend 15 minutes screaming abuse at me. He called me every name under the sun and made threats against me without even taking a breath. Apparently everything about me from my clothes, sun glasses and hair bothered him and he let me know, interspersed with a lot of ‘F’ and ‘C’ words.

I was relieved when I finally came to my stop and got off the tram because it was getting a bit embarrassing. When AJ got home I told him what had happened and some of the crazy names this guy had called me. AJ’s response made me laugh, he said:

AJ: “Did he call you fat?”

ME: “No he didn’t actually”

AJ: “Well that’s good then isn’t it!”

I guess I should be thankful for small mercies!!!

What To Expect When You're Expecting

2011-09-22T12:21:00.002+10:00

source

Spring has arrived in Melbourne so do you know what that means for me? Repeatedly being mistaken for a pregnant woman on public transport.

Last summer I was offered a seat on public transport 11 times due to people thinking I was pregnant. It wasn't only by men either, once a woman offered me her seat, which is only about a thousand times more mortifying. I really did have a sense of humour about it the first 5 times, but it is starting to get less and less funny.

I very much enjoyed the winter months when I wore a thick coat and scarf that covered my fat stomach and no one ever offered me their seat because they thought I was with child. Today was the first day that the sun was shining enough for me to take the tram to work without wearing my winter jacket and guess what? I step on a crowded tram and a man gets up and offers me his seat. Surely this sort of public humiliation is sufficient grounds for Medicare to pay for me to get a tummy tuck!

I know some people might think that is fantastic and I should just take the seat, but I am clearly not pregnant. I do have a fat stomach, but it is separated into two distinct rolls, it is not a nice round little bump. The worst bit is when I decline the offer of the seat I can see the other 80 people crammed next to me on the tram looking at me thinking “is she, or isn’t she?”. I then usually hold my big handbag over my stomach and stare very intently at the floor until I get off the tram.

It also makes me wonder, if 11 people were so sure that I was pregnant that they offered me their seat, how many other people must wonder if I am pregnant but just aren't sure? I was wearing a fitted skirt to work last month and a colleague couldn't stop staring at my stomach and seemed to want to ask if I was pregnant. I quickly worked a comment about going home to drink a bottle of wine after work into the conversation. Better she think I am an alcoholic than pregnant...

I know I should probably wear spanx to work, but it’s really not comfortable to wear a skin tight body suit all day in the summer. Not to mention that I just cannot get the hang of those clips that are supposed to enable me to use the bathroom without undressing and I do not need an underwear malfunction at work.

Well it’s the end of September now; I guess I only have to endure this humiliation until about April. Great.

source

Catching Up

2011-08-23T20:49:00.000+10:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me and I must admit that healthy eating and exercise have not been a high priority for me (any excuse). Sometimes there are just better things going on to worry about calories! Last week I had my beautiful cousin's wedding, then my younger brother and his fiance arrived back home after 2 and a half years living in Canada, then I had my mum's 50th birthday and then on Monday I started my new job.

I ended up getting way too drunk at my cousin's wedding and vomited on myself on the car ride home. Yes, I'm still classy at 30 years of age! I had to endure a pretty bad hangover the next day when I was supposed to be baking for my mum's birthday. Lucky AJ came to the rescue and picked up my slack while I lay on the couch eating chips and watching the Real Housewives.

Later that night we went to pick up my younger brother and his fiance from the airport. I had only seen them once in the 2 and a half years they had been away, so it was very exciting. My mum didn't know they were coming home, so at her party the next day she was shocked and excited to see them. We were even scared she would have a heart attack when she first saw them!

Then yesterday I started my new job and it is fair to say that I feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed right now. I guess that is what the first week at a new job is like, I just have to get used to using my little brain again. It'll all be worth it on pay day!

Here are a few photos of what has been happening... I hope my family don't mind me posting pictures of them...

MY COUSIN'S WEDDING

My dad and step mum at the ceremony

My cousin, the beautiful bride

My older brother and his fiancee at the reception

Me and my another gorgeous cousin at the reception

MY MUM'S BIRTHDAY

Me and my brother's fiance frantically getting the party ready while my mum was having her hair done

My older brother putting up the decorations

AJ doing the final touches on the baking

My younger brother and his fiance hiding as my mum walked in

Vanilla cupcakes, peanut butter and chocolate pretzel balls, caramel cashew popcorn, fairy bread, chocolate crackles, home made strawberry coconut marshmallows, lemon cheesecake slice and of course lots of lollies and chips

Food!

The savoury food, just to balance off all the sweets

My mum when she first saw that my brother and his fiance had arrived back home from Canada

Me pouring the champers for a toast

My mum opening her present

Me, my mum and brothers posing for a family picture

AJ showing his usual level of maturity

The cake (the 5 was butternut snap with honeycomb crunchie bar cream and the 0 was a chocolate ripple with mint areo bar cream)

AJ bringing the cake out

Action shot of my mum blowing the candles out

A busy, but amazing week of family, food and fun!

Food For Thought

2011-08-12T07:43:00.001+10:00

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about my end goals for weight loss. She has been a big inspiration to me by losing almost 70 kilos (154 lbs) and having plastic surgery to completely remodel her body after weight loss. She has recently gained about 25 kilos back after having a baby and adjusting to a new life, but she still looks fabulous and doesn’t look to me like she needs to lose weight. Unfortunately she has been completely miserable about the weight gain and she is really struggling to be happy at a heavier weight (which I completely understand).

I told my friend that if I could maintain 75 kilos (165 lbs) I would be happy to have plastic surgery to have my excess skin removed and live comfortably in the mid-to-low 70’s range. I know I wouldn’t be considered a healthy BMI at this weight and I wouldn’t have the perfect body, but I would be happy at that weight. I feel fit and healthy so I think it is more important that I get on with my life and stop obsessing about weight loss. It is just ridiculous to me that I let a few kilos get in the way of my happiness and I don’t want to live like that anymore.

When I told my friend this I could see that she really couldn’t see where I was coming from. She even told me that if I got my plastic surgery done at 75 kilos I would still be unhappy with my body and I would focus on my love handles or some other part of me to hate. She does have experience in this because she had her first lot of plastic surgery at this weight, she still wasn’t happy, so she lost more weight and got more surgery done.

I probably felt the same way as her about 6 months or a year ago, but my focus has really changed lately. I care less about the way I look and more about my health. I have to admit that as much as I used to think I was doing this for my health, my main motivation was really just vanity… Don’t get me wrong, I am still as vain as the next person, but my appearance is no longer a priority for me in losing weight, it’s more about being happy and healthy.

I don’t want to be patronising and say I felt sorry for my friend, but I did feel for her because I have been in the same place. More than anything it highlighted how much I don’t want to be stuck in the cycle of dieting and hating my body forever. I just feel like there is so much more to life than having the perfect body and, the more I focus on my weight and my body, the less interesting I am as a person. I am so grateful to be starting my 30’s with the new perspective on life.

What A Relief!

2011-08-10T14:43:00.000+10:00

What a week! I got a fill last Tuesday and I knew it felt quite tight immediately, but I thought I should give it a few days to settle. By Friday I knew that this fill had to come out because I could only ‘eat’ yoghurt and pudding cups. Sometimes I couldn’t even get water down and would spend the afternoon vomiting up freaking water. The horror.

Of course by Friday it was too late to get any fill taken out before the weekend, so I had to suffer through the weekend barely able to eat or drink anything. I was having a girls night with some friends on Saturday night and was worried about how drunk I would get drinking alcohol when I hadn’t eaten anything all week. I actually had to purchase low alcohol wine so I wasn’t a hot mess. What a flake.

I finally got in to see my fill doctor yesterday and asked him to remove .4 mls from my band, leaving me at 5.7 mls in a 10 ml band. While I only had .2 mls put in the week before, I decided that I wanted to have extra fluid taken out so that I can eat more normally again. I was previously trying to increase the fluid in my band so that I could get this ‘satisfied’ feeling I have heard people talk about with the lap band. I’ve given up on the idea that lap band will help curb my appetite and will go back to eating healthy whole foods and using good old fashioned will power. At least I should have less embarrassing moments in restaurants now that I have less restriction.

I must admit that I was proud of myself for not resorting to eating chocolate and ice cream last week when I was overly restricted. Instead, I thought I would take advantage of the weight loss that would come with enforced starvation and stick to healthy liquids, but would you believe I didn’t lose any bloody weight?! After a few days the scale showed that I lost 2 kilos and then, for god knows what reason, those pesky kilos came back on the next day. This is why I don’t usually weigh myself, scales are ridiculous.

I am feeling so much better now I can eat again and I enjoyed a nice Indian feast last night to celebrate. I’m back on the straight and narrow today and just appreciating that I can eat fruit, sushi and oats again. Tonight I am making a big spinach, walnut, cranberry and feta salad for dinner and I can’t wait. The simple things in life really are the best.

Good & Evil

2011-08-05T08:52:00.001+10:00

I wanted to share a couple of recipes I made last weekend that I thought were delicious and worked really well. I would love to know if you have any favourite recipes that you would like to share!

GOOD

I try to make a pot of soup every week or two to get all my veggies, lentils and legumes in. Soup can be so boring and I find myself dreading eating soup for dinner again… but this Bacon and Vegetable Soup I could eat every day for lunch and dinner. It was rich, wholesome, filling and delicious and I am sure I will make it again.

Bacon and Vegetable Soup

Ingredients

2 teaspoons olive oil
1 leek, trimmed, halved, washed, thinly sliced
1 brown onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
4 rashers middle bacon, chopped
2 celery stalks, trimmed, chopped
2 medium carrots, peeled, chopped
1/2 cup pearl barley
400g can crushed tomatoes
6 cups salt-reduced chicken stock
1 medium zucchini, halved, sliced
1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil leaves
Salt and pepper for seasoning

Method

Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Cook leek, onion and garlic, stirring, for 2 to 3 minutes or until leek has softened. Add bacon, celery, zucchini and carrot. Cook, stirring, for 5 minutes or until bacon is golden.
Stir in barley, tomato and stock. Bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 40 minutes or until barley has softened.
Simmer for 20 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Add basil. Stir to combine. Serve.

Recipe taken and amended to my taste from: http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/22905/bacon+and+vegetable+soup

EVIL

Warning: this stuff is like crack. After I made it I couldn’t stop eating it and when I finally ran out, I couldn’t stop thinking about making it again so I could eat more. It is now one of my all-time favourite recipes and is also the perfect recipe to make for friends and family as a gift (if you are as mean as me).

Caramel Popcorn

Ingredients

1/2 cup popping corn
125g butter, chopped
3/4 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons honey
1 cup pecans, roughly chopped

Method

Line a tray with baking paper.
Pop your popcorn using whatever method you use (I used a popcorn machine).
Transfer to a large bowl, discarding any unpopped corn.
Make caramel: Combine butter, sugar and honey in a saucepan over medium heat.
Cook, stirring, for 5 to 7 minutes or until sugar has dissolved.
Bring mixture to the boil. Boil, uncovered, without stirring, for 5 to 8 minutes or until light golden.
Remove from heat. Stir in pecans. Pour caramel mixture over popcorn and stir until popcorn is coated.
Spread over prepared tray. Set aside to cool. Break into pieces. Serve.

Recipe taken and amended to my taste from: http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/8051/caramel+popcorn

I Give In

2011-08-03T11:40:00.000+10:00

I am having some serious binge eating problems. I know, what’s new? I eat well most of the day, exercise a few times a week and then in the evenings I come home and dedicate my night to eating as much as humanly possible. Since I have a lap band, this can take me all night. I told you I was dedicated!

Sometimes eating normal food slows me down so I just eat ice cream. I ate 3 tubs of ice cream over the weekend… Burnt Fig, Caramel & Honeycomb on Friday night, Caramel, Date and Pecan on Saturday night and Honeycomb and Butterscotch on Sunday night. For your reference, the Burnt Fig, Caramel & Honeycomb was the best.

In my over-eating spree I have discovered a nifty trick for lap banders. When you eat too much and get food stuck, if you lay on your right side the food goes down. This was discovered after I ate way too much and had to lay on the couch to recover and magically my food popped right on down. I have tested this theory many times now and it almost always works. It’s just not really appropriate for those sticky situations at work or in restaurants!

So I decided to get a fill in my band yesterday in the hope that it will help me slow down my eating frenzy. I got .2 ml put in my band and I now have 6.1 ml in a 10 ml band. This is by far the most I have ever had in my band and boy can I feel it. Food is going down very, very slowly. I can’t tell if it is going to help with my hunger because I have not been able to get down enough food to actually feel full yet. I hope once the post-fill tightness wears off I’ll be able to eat my small bandster portions and feel satisfied. I have been hoping that for the past 2 years and am still yet to achieve it…

I know my binge eating problems are really nothing the lap band can solve, so it is up to me to do the work to try and get my eating under control. I have known for a while now that I should see a psychologist specialising in eating disorders, but I wasn’t ready to do it. I knew that I wasn’t willing to let go of the binge/starve cycle I have been living for the past 25 years. I thought that I would never lose weight if I couldn’t starve myself, but I can finally see that in order to ensure I am never obese again, I need to learn to eat normally.

I have lost and gained the same 5 kilos for almost a year now and I just can’t do it anymore. So I will let my doctor know that I am finally ready to see the shrink she has been urging me to see and hopefully learn some strategies to stop this vicious cycle.

Tassie Weekend

2011-07-30T20:45:00.001+10:00

Last weekend AJ and I went on a long weekend to Tasmania. I had always wanted a weekend in Tassie and bought the cheap flights to Launceston on impulse one day while I was bored at work. For those that don't know, Tassie is a small island off the south of Australia, and just a short plane trip from Melbourne. It is known for it's amazing scenery and fantastic food and wine-- what is not to like?!

We had the most amazing weekend and can quite honestly say I was grinning from ear-to-ear every moment of every day. I loved every second of our trip away, so please indulge me while I bore your with travel photos and stories!

Flying over the Tasman to Launceston

The obligatory in-flight photo that AJ always takes and that always brings out my lazy eye!

After we arrived we had breakfast at a lovely cafe called Stillwater and then walked along the river in Launceston

So pretty here, I wish we had time to walk along this gorge, but there were wineries to be seen!

Visiting the wineries of the Tamar Valley

Stopping in the charming town of Beaconsfield (yes, the place were the miners were trapped)

AJ in Beaconsfield

Me in Georgetown

Me trying to take an artistic photo of drain pipes in Georgetown

AJ excited to be posing in front of some monument to celebrate the settlement (invasion) of Europeans in Australia

Me excited to be eating lots of cheese and drinking wine!

Next winery was Janz for lots of bubbles

On the way to Swansea and stopping off in the bush somewhere so I could go to the bathroom (no I don't have a photo of that!)

The park I violated by using it as a bathroom

Arriving at our accommodation in Swansea and jumping into the spa fully clothed

Hiking through Freycinet early the next morning

So freaking steep!

Stopping for a photo opportunity... and to get our breath back...

Finally at the top of one hill where I collapse

The view kept us going...

Finally we made it to Wineglass Bay... where the fuck is the wine?

Wineglass Bay, I only wish I had a good camera and knew stuff about photography because this was the most amazing beach I have ever seen

AJ refueling on a muesli bar before we hiked back

Watching the waves crash on Wineglass Bay

It's freezing cold in Tassie and I am getting my sweat on climbing up those rocks

The views over the beach at the Lighthouse where we took a picnic lunch

Watching the waves crash on the rocks

Me feeling that bitter cold wind off the water while eating lunch

Walking along Friendly Beaches

Our terrible attempt at an Inukshuk on the beach

Our even worse attempt at drawing a map of Tassie on the beach

Back to the cottage at the Piermont in Swansea

Walking along the beach in front of our cottage

AJ pretending he can hear the ocean in a shell

The restaurant at the hotel

The view from our balcony

The lounge area and the view in our cottage

The view of the water from the spa

Me getting ready for dinner

AJ pretending to know stuff about wine at dinner

Me drinking wine by the fire

The delicious dessert, well I think it was delicious, I was probably a bit drunk by the time it came out

AJ: "Are your as drunk as me?"

ME: "Even drunker!!!"

Watching the sunrise on the balcony

The view of the frost and sunrise from the balcony

The seagulls on the pier in Swansea

Walking along the beach in Swansea

The beach in Swansea before we froze and had to leave

Kate's Berry Farm

Scones with jam and cream for breakfast

Me enjoying breakfast in the sun

Stopping for a break on the way to Cradle Mountain

Beautiful Campbell Town

AJ in front of the river at Campbell Town

Stopping for lunch in Westbury

AJ pretending to be in shackles in the Village Green of Westbury

The Village Green of Westbury

A cute cafe in Deloraine

A 50's cafe in Deloraine

Me enjoying a milkshake in the 50's cafe. I only wish I was hungry enough for a burger too!

AJ trying to work out where the hell we are

Stopping to admire the view while on the road to Cradle Mountain

A cute little paddymelon at our lodge in Cradle Mountain

Me excited to see snow at Cradle Mountain

Me at Cradle Mountain

Enchanted walk at Cradle Mountain

Enchanted Walk at Cradle Mountain

Cradle Mountain Lodge

Me playing with a paddymelon

Enjoying a hot chocolate (with a shot of Bailey's) at the lodge

Cute wombat outside our cabin

Wombat playing in the snow

Warming up in front of the fire of our cabin

AJ drinking wine at the restaurant of the lodge

Me enjoying the amazing Tassie seafood

I always have room for dessert!

A night isn't complete without wine by the fire!

Shaking off the hangover with a bowl of porridge

The lovely view from our breakfast table

Our hike for the morning, Dove Lake Canyon

AJ on our hike

Me thinking this was funny, little did I know how hairy this icy walk would get!

Me on the track around Dove Lake, this isn't so funny anymore...

Trying to enjoy the view, but mostly petrified of slipping on the ice!

Me falling as I walk on the track, please just let this be over soon...

Finally the icy walk is over and we are eating delicious cheese at Ashgrove

Me with my cheese to take home and the local cow

I need an apron with the slogan on it!

Belgian hot chocolate at House of Anvers chocolate house

The grounds of the chocolate house, just a beautiful place to sit... and eat salted caramels...

More sweets at Christmas Hills Raspberry farm

Very much enjoying my raspberry and golden syrup dumplings

Back in Launceston for a walk around the park

City park in Launceston

The sun setting and time to get to the airport and fly back to Melbourne

Bye Tassie, I can't wait to come back!!!

It's Time

2011-07-28T12:37:00.000+10:00

Lately I have been less and less inclined to push myself to lose anymore weight. I feel like I am in a place where my current weight and fitness allows me to do everything I want in life. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life worrying about dieting and the guilt and self-criticism that comes with it. I have spent 25 years letting weight consume my life and I think the healthiest thing for me right now is to learn to love my body, rather than lose those last 10 kilos.

My original fantasy goal weight was 65 kilos (143 lbs) and it is probably quite achievable for me and it would mean I am a ‘healthy’ BMI weight. I don’t actually know how much I weigh right now (I’m not interested in the scales) but I would guess I am about 78 kilos (171.5 lbs). Ideally I would prefer to lose a few kilos and sit comfortably at 75 kilos because I feel healthier at that weight and my clothes fit better. Losing those last few kilos is something that I hope will happen naturally as I continue to do the exercises I enjoy and eat well for my body. To be honest, the only reason I am not 75 kilos now is because I continue to over-eat on chocolate and I know my weight would drop down if I had a little more self control!

I have a lot of friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances that I have watched obsess over losing the same 5 or 10 kilos. To me they seemed to be perfectly healthy, happy and gorgeous people and I wondered why they would waste so much time worrying about a few kilos. I guess I now put myself in that category and I think I am at a weight that I can realistically maintain and be fit and happy, so I think it’s best that I settle here for a while.

In saying all this, the one thing I do want to do is have my tummy tuck. I would say that the excess skin I have and the hanging apron stomach is the one thing that holds me back. It does make exercise difficult, it does make buying clothes difficult, it does make maintaining hygiene difficult, it does make me feel extremely self conscious and it does make me feel like I still weigh 130 kilos (286 lbs). I want to be someone that loves their body and I just can’t until this skin is gone.

I will get the surgery to remove the excess skin eventually. It is probably not in the cards for the next 12 months due to work and financial situations, but I intend on making it a priority after I have my work and finances sorted. It’s exciting and scary at the same time to think that I am finally in a place where I don’t have to hurt and deprive my body. After the way I have mistreated my body over the years I am ready to learn to nourish and treat it with kindness.

The 4 Stages

2011-07-20T15:50:00.000+10:00

I seem to have 4 distinct stages of food and exercise behaviour in my life life:

STAGE 1. I eat copious amounts of junk food and I don’t exercise

STAGE 2. I eat well and I exercise at least 4 times a week

STAGE 3. I eat well but I don’t exercise

STAGE 4. I eat poorly but I keep exercising

Obviously stage 2 is the optimal stage to be at when trying to lose weight, but it is very hard to maintain the momentum when I much prefer to eat out at restaurants, drink with friends and sit on the couch eating chocolate.

I am currently in stage 4, I am doing well with my exercise and actually enjoying it for once (shocking). I am just not very focussed with my eating and I am letting bigger potions and too many snacks creep in. I think I am living fairly normally and I can easily maintain my weight this way, but I know I won’t lose weight until I cut out those delicious sugary snacks and my wine time on the weekends.

Sometimes I just get so sick of having to think so much about what I eat. Does this have enough fibre? Does this have protein? Is this low carb? Sometimes it’s nice just to eat like a normal person and eat something because it is tasty and not because of the nutritional content.

I must admit that I don’t care about my weight right now as much as I feel I should. I know I need to lose another 10 kilos and it would be good to get that done sooner rather than later, but I just figure that I’ll do it when I am ready. It’s too hard to feel deprived all the time, especially in winter when food becomes all about comfort and warmth (there is nothing comforting about salad)!

I just need to stop making muffins like these and make more muffins like these. My adapted recipe for the healthy muffins is below. These were delicious right out of the oven with a cup of tea. I guess nothing is that healthy though when you eat 4 serves of them though… whoops.

I am about to eat one right now for afternoon tea...

Banana, Pecan and Rolled Oat Muffins

Ingredients*

1 cup self-raising flour
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
1 and ½ cups rolled oats
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup of desiccated coconut
1/2 cup of honey
1 cup of chopped pecans
2 eggs
3/4 cup full fat natural yoghurt
1/4 cup canola oil
3 bananas, mashed**

Method

Preheat oven to 200°C. Line a 12 cup muffin pan with paper cases and spray paper cases with spray oil to make sure muffins don’t stick.
Sift flour, cinnamon and soda into a bowl. Add the oats, coconut, pecans and brown sugar, and stir to combine.
Whisk eggs, yoghurt, honey and oil together. Add mashed banana and stir to combine. Pour into dry ingredients and mix together using a wooden spoon until just combined. Mixture may be lumpy and does not have to be evenly mixed.
Spoon mixture into paper cases. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden and cooked through. Cool for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

* Disclaimer: I am not much into measuring quantities and just throw in what looks right, so the measurements could be slightly off…

** I bought 4 bananas and it cost me $11, fark, I forgot about the banana shortage!

Friday Photos

2011-07-15T11:56:00.001+10:00

I tend to get in a bit of a crazy and excited mood on Fridays. I get distracted by my weekend plans and I can't concentrate at work very well. Don't tell my boss!

I know it seems like I whinge a lot on this blog, this is a great outlet for my anxiety and neurosis, but I am actually feeling very happy and blessed in my life right now. I feel like I have a lot to be grateful for and a lot to look forward to in my life. I am happier than I have been for a very long time.

I can't focus enough to write anything interesting on this blog today (can you tell my brain is scattered today?), but here are some recent photos from my iphone for your entertainment.

The beautiful flowers my mum sent me to congratulate me on getting my new job

A dress my mum bought me that I was trying on to see how it looked

Walking through my favourite park in Melbourne

Cute little mini burgers that AJ made me at 3.00am after I had been out drinking and needed a late night snack!

Delicious and band friendly burrito bites AJ made me for dinner one night (I like mini things!)

This lovely rainbow I caught as I was walking past a window at work. Winter isn't all bad.

This photo was taken just a minute ago at work. I got my hair cut and coloured last night at the hairdresser. OK, I know it's not a drastic difference, but I like it!

HAVE A FABULOUS WEEKEND!!!

Breaking The Cycle

2011-07-11T11:09:00.002+10:00

I watched a very interesting documentary on TV the other night called Why Are Thin People Not Fat. The premise was for naturally thin people to eat double the amount of calories than they normally would and see how different people gain weight. We are always told that weight loss is as simple as calories in and calories out, but documentaries like this disprove that food and calories have the same effect on everyone’s bodies. For anyone that hasn’t seen the show or is interested, this blog sums it up quite well.

After the show finished I mentioned to AJ that I really need to stop binge eating if I want to successfully control my weight. What he said to me really shocked me, but made complete sense. He said, what you need to do is stop starving yourself if you want to control your weight.

In a way I wasn’t even aware of how much I still starve myself and I certainly wasn’t aware that anyone else noticed either. I am still depriving myself of food and constantly battling hunger. I guess my messed up head still thinks you have to be hungry to lose weight and feeling full and satisfied makes me feel guilty.

I can still remember when I started starving myself; I was 5 years old and on my first day of primary school. When the bell rang for class we had to line up outside the classroom and one of the boys walked up to me and said that I couldn’t stand in his line because I was fat. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to do, but my young mind only knew that being fat was bad and food makes you fat, so logically I should stop eating.

I started starving myself during the day and only eating the evening meal at home. I continued to do this on and off throughout my entire school life, with periods where I would also skip the evening meal and eat nothing for weeks on end. It was easy to get away with because I had a fraught family life and no one took any notice of me. When people did occasionally notice my odd eating behaviours they weren’t concerned because I was still fat, so their assumption was that skipping a meal would do me good.

So if I was eating so little, why was I still fat? As soon as I started starving myself, I also started binge eating. Some days I would come home from school and feel so hungry and weak that I would sneak into the kitchen and stuff as many slices of bread and butter, cheese, sweet biscuits, muesli bars and whatever else I could find into my school jumper and go into the bathroom (the only room in the house with a lock) and eat until I was sick. I grew up in a poor family and food was often scarce so it was noticed that this food went missing. My older brother always got the blame for taking this food and no one ever suspected that I would do this because I was the ‘good’ child. I still feel guilty for that…

I was bullied all through school for being fat and the only thing that brought me comfort were these quiet times where I could sit alone and eat. Unfortunately, I am now 30 years old and 25 years of a starving and binging cycle is difficult to break. I still feel stronger when I am starving and I still feel comfort from food. I am taking AJ’s advice and working on eating more in the hope I can find a better balance in the way I eat. I have to relax and not make weight loss the focus of my life and instead concentrate on a healthy and balanced lifestyle. It will be easier said than done, but I’ll keep trying.

Fat Bashing

2011-07-08T11:27:00.001+10:00

I have been following Stephanie’s blog for a few months now, she is a fellow lap bander who has lost a tremendous amount of weight and works harder than just about anyone I know. If you’re in Melbourne you may have noticed her story in Mx (the free public transport paper) yesterday or on the Herald Sun website. I have such a huge amount of respect and admiration for this woman for going public with her story.

Stephanie got fed up with the abuse she received about her weight while using public transport and the fact that Mx constantly publishes attacks on fat people in their paper. She contacted the paper and they allowed her to share her story and she is receiving quite a bit of publicity about it now.

Before I lost 50 kilos I received quite a bit of abuse and nasty comments while using public transport (and in many other areas of my life). I would purposely skip certain trains or trams that were too busy and wait for the quieter ones where I wouldn’t feel in the way. I never used to take a seat because I felt like people were judging me for taking up too much space, so I would stand at back, despite the fact my feet were aching from standing on them for 8 hours a day while working in retail. When I lived closer to the city, by the time the tram came to my stop it was always full and I couldn’t push on like other people did because of the comments I would receive, so I started walking into the city to work because that was my only other option.

Just two days ago while on the tram I noticed a woman who was a bit larger sit next to a man who appeared irritated that she had sat next to him. A few minutes later when another seat became available elsewhere on the tram, he made a big point of getting up and moving, giving her one last disgusted look. I was mortified for her because I can remember that feeling.

There is nothing more crushing than receiving abuse from strangers calling you a fat cow or telling you to lose weight. Most times it happened to me when I was by myself, but the occasions when it happened in front of friends, family or colleagues was so much more humiliating. The abuse of fat people in society continues to tolerated and even encouraged. There is so much anger and hatred directed toward overweight people and an assumption that being fat means that you are lazy, unhealthy and lack discipline.

Being overweight is not a choice we make because we think it’s the fun and easy option. There are numerous complex reasons that people can be overweight and many of us that are fat are trying every single day of our lives to lose that excess weight. Most of what we have been told about weight loss has only hampered our ability to lose weight and the diets we have been put on our whole lives have made us fatter.

That is not to say that I think that any one who is larger than the norm should be trying to lose weight. I am a huge advocate of size acceptance and loving the body you have. I think you can be healthy at any size and I only wish that I was better at loving and accepting my body. It is just so hard when you have had people telling you your whole life that you are a disgusting fat pig because you end up believing them. We need more people like Stephanie standing up for the rights of overweight people so that we don't have to feel like second class citizens.

*****

Stephanie is also raising money for the Cancer Council by climbing the 46 floors of the building she works in. You can donate here: http://vic.cancercouncilfundraising.org.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=342014&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=direct%2fnone

Wish You Were Here

2011-07-06T11:47:00.000+10:00

My laptop has started dying recently and I can’t afford a new one for a while, but my only concern was making sure I have my photos backed up before it takes it’s last breath. This brought me to look guiltily at the thousands of photos from our 3 month holiday around Canada, America and Mexico last year and lament the fact I still haven’t sorted them. We had the trip of a lifetime and it seemed a shame not to document it properly so that we can bore our friends with travel photos and stories.

So while I have been feeling sick and sorry for myself on the couch with a pissy winter cold, I looked up some online photo album services and thus started a new obsession. I have wasted countless hours choosing photos and laying them out to tell the story of our holiday.

It really feels like I am re-living all the fun again and laughing hysterically about all the things I had forgotten. I can’t wait until I get it printed and can see the finished product. It’ll definitely be my little happy place to go to escape the realities of work, bills and house cleaning.

On this very cold and dreary Melbourne day, here are just a few places that I wish I could be again...

Hiking through Yosemite

At a beautiful resort in Mexico

Watching AJ play with rocks in Chilliwack (Canada)

Walking through Vancouver

In a prison cell in Alcatraz!

Hiking through Big Sur

On a beach in Cape Cod

Walking through Centra Park

Eating Cheetos in bed

Eating yum cha in Chinatown, San Francisco

Drinking cocktails on a beach in Mexico

At the Most Magical Place On Earth

Riding the rollercoasters at Dollywood

Drinking with friends in Vegas

Touring through Graceland

Having a private picnic at the Grand Canyon

Eating gumbo in New Orleans

Hiking with family in Tofino, Canada

Eating In N Out Burger in California

Hiking through Joshua Tree National Park

At the Kennedy Space Centre

Eating key lime pie in Key West

On a sleigh ride in Lake Louise, Canada

On a beach in Mexico

Eating ribs in Memphis

Walking along the Mississippi

Drinking mojitos in Miami

On the shore of Monterey

Eating Mystic Pizza in Mystic

Mucking around on Santa Monica Beach

Meeting deer in my brother's backyard in Banff, Canada

Walking through the beautiful Savannah

Eating hot dogs at Shake Shack in New York

Walking through the Canadian Rockies

Hiking through the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee

Sun baking by the pool in Palm Springs

On a gondola on Sunshine Mountain in Canada

Pretending to be a tiger at San Diego Zoo

In a hot tub in Tofino, Canada

Walking on the beach at Tybee Island in Georgia

In the decadent Venetian hotel in Las Vegas

Whale watching in Tofino, Canada

Walking past the White House on dusk in DC

Drinking wine in Napa Valley

Bear spotting in Canada

Drinking beer on Granville Island in Vancouver

I guess all that is left to do now is to start planning the next holiday. I am thinking Europe in 2012...

Happy Middle Year!

2011-07-01T10:17:00.002+10:00

I have to admit that I am thrilled that we are now in the second half of this year. It feels like a little bit of a fresh start and a good way to put the first half behind me. I have had probably the worst 6 months I can remember and I am just looking forward to making the next 6 months of 2011 better.

Here is an update on how things stand for me on 1 July 2011…

WEIGHT

I don’t weigh myself very often because I hate measuring myself by what the scales say and it tends to make me feel like crap. For the sake of knowing where I am mid-year I did weigh myself this morning and I am currently 77.1 kilos (169.5 lbs). I started the year at 82.5 kilos (181.5 lbs), so that is a loss of 5.4 kilos (12 lbs). Granted, at one point this year my weight got down to 73.2 kilos (161 lbs) due to a crazy low carb diet, but once I looked at chocolate again my weight went back to normal. I am happy enough with how I have done with my weight so far this year. I know I could have done a lot better and I know I could have done a lot worse, so it’s just OK. I would be thrilled if I could get another 7 kilos (15.5 lbs) off by the end of this year and get down to 70 kilos (154 lbs), so I’ll keep plugging away.

HEALTH

My health took quite a beating this year while I continued to fight the virus I got in Bali and then also was diagnosed with a B12 deficiency and anaemia. Worse than all this was my mental health. I suffered from quite severe anxiety this year due to some personal problems I was having. I have always had bad anxiety, but it got to a level that was unmanageable this year. I got very brave and saw a doctor about this and I am now taking some tablets that are taking the edge off. I must admit that I thought they would cure everything, but like the lap band, I have to do a lot of work myself to keep my mental health stable.

EXERCISE

Oh exercise, the bane of my existence… I can’t even say that it is a love/hate relationship because it is mostly just hate. This year I quit my gym membership because I was completely hating it and just didn’t have the energy for it. Once I started taking correct medications I felt I had a bit more energy and re-joined another gym. I still don’t love it, but I am doing it because I value having fitness and mobility. One thing I did start doing this year is Pilates and I am thrilled to say that I am really enjoying it and the class I do is the highlight of my week. So I just need to keep trying different exercises and hope to find others that I love just as much as Pilates.

LAP BAND

I am now over 2 years post lap band surgery and I have lost and kept off over 50 kilos (110 lbs). These days the lap band doesn’t play a major role in my life, it’s still in there and some days it helps me and some days it pisses me off. I currently have 5.9 ml in a 10 ml band and that is the most fluid I have ever had in there. I think I could probably do with at least another .2 ml because I am still constantly hungry and looking for more food. For now I’ll keep using good old willpower because I don’t want the band to be so tight that it makes eating out difficult. I haven’t had anything stuck in the band in at least a month (that I can recall) because I know what I should and shouldn’t be eating and I am trying to work with the band rather than challenging it every step of the way.

FINANCES

Boy oh boy, I got myself in the shit financially last year. It wasn’t even the 3 month trip around North America that screwed me up, it was everything I did when I got back. I made some extremely poor financial decisions, teamed with some expensive health issues, and the worse my finances got… the more I let things spiral out of control. Paying off debt is just no fun at all, but it has to be done. As of next Friday I will have paid off one credit card that at the start of the year owed $6,000. I have another credit card that owes the same amount that I need to work on in the second half of this year. I don’t know that all my debt will get paid off this year because in the next couple of months I need to pay a $1,000 car insurance bill and a $3,500 dental bill. Thinking about it gives me heart palpitations, but I’ll get there eventually.

CAREER

For the first half of this year my career was not going well. I was in a temporary job that bored me to death and paid miserably and I was starting to think I would never move forward. Just last week I was offered a fantastic job that I will start in August and I feel hopeful that my career is on track again. I’m looking forward to having a job that challenges me, where I am treated with more respect and pays me much better than my current job.

So the first half of 2011 has been tough, but I am pleased with the way I managed it and I am excited about the second half of the year and all the good things to come. Happy Middle Year to you!!!