Home Sweet Home

I arrived home from the UK late Thursday night and I am already feeling much happier and more positive (and I haven't even been home 12 hours yet). I just feel so good to be home and back in my own space with my own stuff, and most importantly- clean clothes!

I got home about 10.00pm and it is now 6.30am and I haven't been able to sleep. I am still on UK time and completely confused. I have tried everything to get to sleep, from sleeping tablets, doing my taxes and watching that Denise Richards reality show, but I am still wide awake. It probably didn't help that I did some work emails about 3.00am and got all strung out and upset about a few matters. I swear to God I will never learn.

I am so excited to get back into cooking delicious meals with fresh and healthy ingrediants and most of all to get back to the gym. You might be wondering if I am being sarcastic, but I'm serious. I desperately missed having the time to myself at the gym and the buzz from an awesome workout. I also get a fill in my lapband on Monday, so I should hopefully have my first taste of restriction.

Things are looking up!

Torn

I am failing at this really badly.

I tried really hard for the first few days to exercise and eat right while I am in Oxford for work, but I just can't do it. My mind just keeps reeling from thinking about food. I am staying in a hotel that has a Krispy Kreme in it for god's sake.

I try to start the day well with a good breakfast and by 10.30am I am staring at the biscuits on the conference table and I literally can't think of anything else until I cave in and eat one. They aren't even nice biscuits, they're those crappy Arnotts creme assortment kind that I normally wouldn't bother eating. From that point it is all down hill.

I get lonely and anxious when I travel for work and guess what makes me feel better? Food. I know people say that food never helps, but it actually does. I really do feel comforted from eating chocolate from the mini bar. It is clear that it is unhealthy for me to travel for work because I have no control over my eating. I know I can put whatever food and drink I like on the company card and it is too much temptation for a food addict like me.

I have kind of given up on the idea of healthy eating while I am here. The torture I was going through at every meal when food was offered to me is just too much. I just want to eat so that I can stop thinking about food and move on. I honestly feel mentally exhausted from agonising over food. One minute I am trying to find ways to avoid food and the next minute I am binging. Either way, my weird food habits are becoming apparent to my colleagues.

I guess it will be better once I get some restriction put in my lap band, but currently I can eat anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. If anything it makes it clear that I made the right decision to get this lap band. I clearly need help.

Just Touched Down In London Town

Well I did about a week ago anyway.

Yes the flight was some kind of torture and I am already dreading the return flight home. I am really strange and I refuse to use the toilets on planes, not sure if it is because I am a germaphobe or because I am scared I won't fit. Probably both. So I didn't eat or drink for the whole trip so that I wouldn't have to use the bathroom. Yeah it was a 24 hour flight. Anyway, I am hyperventilating just thinking about the whole thing, so enough about that.

I spent the weekend in the London sunshine (suck on that Melbournians). I was completely out of whack on the time zones so I was getting up at 4.30am and strolling around London and I felt like I had the city to myself. I moved onto Oxford last Sunday, where I have just spent an entire week sitting through tedious powerpoint presentations on fascinating topics such as strategy and objectives. I am losing the will to live right now.

It has been really hard to be here because I had a particularly bad experience at work the week before I came to Oxford that left me very upset and anxious. My boss asked me on Monday to stay an extra week in Oxford (I am already going to be here for 3 weeks) and I said no because I felt like it was too last minute to change my plans and I also didn't want to stay away from home for that long. I am trying to put my health and sanity first and I really felt like this wouldn't be the best thing for me to do. It is the first time I have ever said no to anything at work and my boss didn't take it well...

Anyway, the whole situation has been really upsetting because a lot of things were said to me that I think were unfair and actually quite nasty. Then I had to get on a 24 hour flight and sit through tedious meetings, while working early mornings and evenings to keep up with my other work. I just wanted to hand in my notice and come home. This job just isn't worth it. My emotional and physical health have suffered immeasurably since I started this job, I gained 35 kilos, I nearly had a nervous breakdown, I lost a lot of hair and I developed a nervous twitch all from the stress. For my own health and sanity I need to leave.

I am going to the hotel bar now to put a lot of very expensive cocktails on the company…

Monthly Weigh In

I had my official first day of the month weigh in this morning and I am now 113.5 kilos, having lost a total of 3.1 kilos for the month. This sounds ok, but given I lost 2 kilos in the first week of the month and I have been to the gym 5 days a week and only had one off plan meal for the whole month, I was a little disappointed. I set myself a goal to be 110 kilos by today and I really didn't get very close.

I have decided not to have numbers based goals anymore because it just leads to disappointment. My eating and exercise were pretty much 100% for the month, so I did everything possible to lose weight and I can't be disappointed at myself. I can't control the scales or how my body loses weight, so I won't be using that as a way to measure my success anymore. Instead, I will focus on whether or not I am exercising regularly and making good food choices. Not that I won't be checking in on the scales of course, I'm only human!

I probably set my goals a little too high last month, but it was mostly because I have to go to the UK for work tomorrow and I am terrified of the 24 hour flight. I am scared the seat belt will be too tight, that I am going to take up too much room and annoy my fellow passengers and that the tray table won't go down. As you can imagine, 24 hours is a long time to be in a tiny seat on an aeroplane for someone that weighs 113.5 kilos and when I think about it I start hyperventilating. Did I mention I am also afraid of flying and have claustrophobia? So this is pretty much my worst nightmare.

On top of this, I have to spend 3 weeks in the Oxford based office of my company and last time I was there I was at least 10 kilos lighter and of course I am paranoid everyone will notice. I don't know why I care if they notice I have gained weight, I don't even like them, but I still care. Can you tell that I really don't want to go on this trip?

Try Again

My geeky flatmate quoted Yoda from Star Wars a month or so ago and it has really struck a chord with me. I haven't seen Star Wars, but I hear it is quite a famous quote:

'Do, or do not. There is no try.'

I have always been one of those people who will say that 'I'll try my best to do exercise tonight' or 'I'll try and eat healthy this week'. I always thought that having good intentions was the best I could do, but now I can see that 'trying' was just leading to failure. When I say that I am going to try and do something, I am already admitting to myself that I may fail.

I am kind of a big softy and always make excuses for myself and other people, something I constantly say is 'that as long as you tried your best, that is all you can do'. In some circumstances this is true, but I can see now that this isn't the case when it comes to food and exercise. Eating healthy and exercising are both things that only I have control over. No one has ever held a gun to my head and forced me to eat pizza or chained me to a chair so that I can't exercise.

I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago and there have already been a heap of excuses I could have used not to go, and sometimes I almost didn't go, but I just keep remembering that I can try and do this or I can do this. I know that sometimes life gets in the way and so there will be days when I plan to go to the gym and then can't go. That doesn't mean that my goal of going to the gym a minimum of 4 times a week will be compromised, it just means I have to go to the gym on a Sunday to make up for that missed session.

EXCUSES THAT ARE NO LONGER TOLERATED
~ I have a cold
~ I had a long/stressful day at work
~ I have a headache
~ I'm tired
~ I'm hung over
~ I don't have time (or want to make time)
~ I have cramps
~ It's cold and rainy and I just want to stay in bed
~ I forgot to wash my gym clothes

Ups & Downs

When I got the lap band I decided to take a more zen attitude to the scales. I knew that if I ate the right food and did my exercise, the weight will come off over the next couple of years. So I decided that I wasn't going to get hysterical when the scales showed random 600 gram gains for no particular reason. I was going to look at those gains and just know that my body would experience many ups and downs along the way, for many different reasons, and to take the bad with the good.

So that was the plan. Of course reality is a different story...

I seem to have gained a kilo this week and I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I know this is because I am slowly starting to introduce more food into my diet and my body is responding to having actual food for the first time in about 9 weeks. This seems completely reasonable and it has happened to a lot of people who get banded. I know I am doing the right thing, I am exercising and eating small healthy portions, so there isn't anything to worry about.

I guess I am more impatient than anything. There are certain numbers on the scale that I want to see the back of and seeing them rear their ugly heads again just pisses me off. It annoys me even more that I know that I shouldn't worry about these little ups and downs on the scale and I still let it get to me. I think it is time for me to put the scale in the cupboard for a few days.

Gym Bunny

There are about 6 months left in this year and it is my goal to lose 25 kilos during that time. It is a completely realistic goal and would mean losing about 800 grams a week. I know I can't do this without stepping the exercise right up and strolling along on my home treadmill just isn't going to do the trick. So on Friday I decided to join the local gym.

I haven't joined a gym for about 4 years, mostly because I didn't want to spend the money when I had a perfectly good treadmill at home. This time it is different and I have decided to pull out all the stops. I made the agonising decision to have a lap band, went through the pre-surgery diet, laid out the $$$ and dealt with the post-surgery pain, so fucked if I am going to do this half arsed!

So I joined the gym on Friday and then went down for my first work out on Friday night and I loved it. I loved it so much that I went back this morning (Saturday) and I am planning to go again tomorrow morning. I'll be aiming to go to the gym 4-5 times a week and there is really no reason why I shouldn't be able to achieve this goal. I realised recently that I need to think of my exercise time as a privilege, rather than a chore. There are so many people that don't have the time or have kids to look after or can't afford to go to the gym, so I need to appreciate that I am lucky to have this time to spend on my health and fitness.

The only thing that isn't so great about going to the gym is that I can't dance and sing on the treadmill when my favourite songs come on, it might look a bit weird in public...

What A Difference A Year Makes

I was just looking through some old photos while trying to help my mum find a photo to put on her online dating profile (which is practically child abuse) and I found two photos of myself that were taken exactly a year apart.


April 2008
Taken at a friend's wedding



April 2009
Taken on holidays in Darwin


Normally I would not allow such a hideous photo of myself to be posted on this blog, but I was so blown away by the difference that I made this exception.

I actually find it really hard to look at myself in the last photo, I just don't recognise myself at all. I still wonder how I let myself gain so much weight in such a short period of time and why I wasn't able to see what was happening.

Next time I want to binge or skip my exercise, I am just going to think back to these photos and and the two different people they represent. It is now up to me to choose who I want to be.

Hungry

I am finally officially done with the liquids stage of this lap band thing- hallelujah! Tonight I am going to have a scrambled egg and it is about the most exciting thing to happen to me in a while. Last night when I was out shopping I had some KFC potato and gravy and it turns out that stuff is really only good for dipping your chips in, not so good on its own.

I have been super fricken hungry over the last week and I can't wait to be able to eat normally again. I have been trawling recipe websites like they are porn lately and have book marked a heap of recipes I want to make as soon as I can eat again. I have also been looking up menus for the restaurants I want to go to and drooling over the delicious food. This lap band better work because I clearly have a problem!

I haven't had any guidance from my surgeon on what to eat during the 'soft food' stage and I have noticed that it varies for different people, some people seem to just eat thicker soups and yoghurt, while others are allowed to eat things like sheppards pie and quiche. What did other lap banders eat during this stage? Don't bother suggesting to me that I vitamise my food- it is not going to happen. I wouldn't even eat baby food when I was a baby, I have always had a big aversion to mushy foods. I know I am being a big sook, maybe I'll get hungry enough over the next two weeks to start blending my food...

First Weigh In After Surgery

Today is my first weigh in since surgery and I am now 116.5 kilos! I am really stoked with this and I really didn't expect to lose so much weight in the first week from surgery, but I guess it is not that shocking since I have barely eaten or drunk anything. So here are my stats since I began this whole lap band thing.

14th April 2009- Pre-surgery Diet: 129.7 kilos
22nd May 2009- Lap band surgery day: 120.2 kilos
1st June 2009: 116.5 kilos

Over the last few days I have felt like I could get a lot more down and at my cousin's 30th party on Saturday night I even ate 2 mini meat balls and 2 little bits of camembert cheese, which was extremely naughty of me because I am still supposed to be on liquids. I didn't have a problem eating them at all and I just chewed them to death. Then yesterday I was able to eat half a bowl of mash and gravy at lunch with the gorgeous bloggers Kitty and Cinders. I think I might be getting a bit ahead of myself and I don't want to stretch my band, so I have decided to go back on the optifast shakes for the next week. Just drinking normal liquids is making me feel nauseous from hunger, so I think the shakes will keep me fuller and give my body the nutrients I need.

I also got a lovely surprise in the mail today from Couch Potato from I'd Rather Be Sitting On The Couch (that blog title cracks me up every time!). She has lost a crap load of weight this year and was kind enough to send me some clothes that she has shrunk out of, and lucky for me, she has great taste! I just wish she lived in Melbourne so we could go out for some drinks!