Food Hang Over

Why is it that when your eating goes bad, all aspects of your life tend to unravel? I have been eating terribly for the last 3 days and somehow in those 3 days, I have also spent more money than I have in months. I am scared to get on the scales and I'm scared to check my bank balance right now! I did none of the things I had planned to get done over the weekend and my life feels disorganised and cluttered at the moment.

I also feel exhausted because my sleeping has been terrible and I am lethargic and completely unmotivated to do anything. I feel puffy and greasy and it makes me wonder if this is how I used to feel all the time and I just didn’t realise it. No wonder being fat is so freaking hard. I am drinking lots of water and eating lots of fruit today and heading to the gym tonight to shake off this revolting food hang over.

Up until the last few days, I hadn’t really tested the lap band to see if it had much restriction, turns out it doesn’t! I have been relying on will power for the past few months, but that all came crashing down around me over the weekend, like it always does eventually. So I obviously need to get some more fill put into the band and try to get this thing working.

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On another note, where have all my favourite bloggers gone? There are so many bloggers M.I.A. at the moment and I miss you! Please come back and let us know how you’re going. Don’t make me start naming names… ;-)

Band Update

I guess it is time for an update on how the lap band is going, for those of you who are interested. I got a 1 ml fill put in a couple of weeks ago, taking me up to 5 mls in a 10 ml band. The week after having this fill I wasn’t able to keep any food down at all and even having a smoothie was difficult. So I went back to the doctor on Monday and had half a ml taken out, so I am now back to 4.5 mls. So far, so good at this level. I can’t say that my hunger feels particularly satisfied at this level, but at least I have stopped bringing up my food. I am going to take getting fills very slowly from now on, I refuse to be put in anymore situations when I am eating with people and feel something get stuck. It is embarrassing and not pleasant. I ruined a perfectly nice drive along the great ocean road last weekend by getting a strawberry stuck and having to stand by the side of the road trying to bring it up for 30 minutes. Why did I eat a strawberry when I knew I couldn’t keep anything down? Because I am an idiot.

Since I have been banded over the last couple of months my diet has been very healthy, full of fresh vegetables, fruit and lean meats. It really is the healthiest I have been eating for years. Last week I went to the blood bank to donate plasma and they did the usual tests and noticed that my haemoglobin levels had dropped significantly since I last visited. They said if I was doing a normal blood donation that they would have to send me away because they are too low, but because I was donating plasma I was ok. When donating plasma they take the blood out and remove the plasma and platelets and then put the blood back in you, kind of a creepy and long process. Then last Friday I had a call from a doctor who had tested my blood and found I was dangerously low in iron and a few other technical things that went over my head. They are sending my results to me to take to my doctor for a proper review and apparently I can’t donate blood for at least 6 months.

The doctor who called me from the blood bank asked how I was feeling and if I felt more tired than usual. Of course I am freaking tired, who isn't? I guess I better get googling on ways to increase my iron levels. Have any other lap banders had this problem?

Blah Blah Blah

That is how I feel right now. Just blah.

I feel like I have nothing to say about anything. My life revolves around going to work and going to the gym right now. I am trying to eat healthy and save money. There is nothing interesting about any of that.

I just feel like staying in bed and being left alone at the moment. Going to work has been a mammoth effort, if I had any sick days left right now I would be taking them.

I am not really feeling down, just uninspired.

Maybe it is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

I need to get out of this slump and stop being so miserable.

Life's really not that bad.

I kneed advice*

When I got off my flight back from the UK a couple of weeks ago I had quite severe pain in my knee, presumably from not moving for 24 hours and sitting awkwardly in that small space. The pain has been persistent and when I googled "knee pain in flight" it became apparent I was GOING TO DIE. So when I went to the doctor to get some scripts re-filled I mentioned it and he diagnosed me with bursitis of the knee. It isn't serious, just annoying more than anything, mostly because it is getting difficult to exercise.

I am lucky enough to have never had knee problems and I really don't want to start now. I have been plagued with foot/heel problems (mostly because of my weight) and it really gets in the way. Despite my sore knee, I have been going to the gym 5 times a week and this really hasn't been helping. The doctor told me not to go to the gym for a week, but of course I smiled and said yes, then walked directly into the gym. The idea of not going to the gym actually scares me. I know that seems crazy because I have only been back at the gym for a couple of months and prior to that it had been years since I stepped inside a gym. I just know how easy it is for that switch to flick in me and never to go back- it has happened to at least 3 other gym memberships I have purchased in my time.

Since I have continued going to the gym I have managed to strain my hamstring and back on the same side as my sore knee because I have been moving awkwardly in order to protect my knee. So I have finally given in and realised that I need to have a break from exercise. I am sure there are lots of things I can still do that won't put strain on my knee and hamstring, but I haven't really thought of anything yet. Anyone got any ideas? Boxing? Swimming?

* I am sorry for that bad pun, but you know how hard it is to come up with titles.

August Weigh In

I weighed myself this morning for my first day of the month weigh in and I am 114.5 kilos, which is exactly 1 kilo up on last month. I am actually really happy that it wasn't much worse than this because I spent 3 weeks of the month not exercising and eating out for 3 meals a day. In the past I have been known to go away for a weekend and gain 4 kilos, so to only register a 1 kilo gain during my 3 weeks away is amazing.

I didn't think that my lap band was really giving me any restriction while I was away, but perhaps it gave me more restriction than I realised. I was often leaving quite a bit of food on my plate, but that was generally because the food I was eating really wasn't that nice and I couldn't be bothered eating it when it wasn't to my taste. Maybe pre-lap band I would have kept eating it anyway, I can't recall too many times in my life when I have gone out for dinner and left food on my plate, so this thing could be starting to work.

I am feeling good about the general direction the scales are going in, but at the same time I have lost interest in what they say at the moment. I find it hard to celebrate the same old numbers that I have been seeing while going up and down in weight over the past 10 years. I really don't think the scales will excite me at all until I finally get under 100 kilos and stay there.

Fill Her Up

Yesterday morning I got a fill in my lap band and I now have 4 mls in a 10 ml band. The doctor told me to be careful with what I eat for the first 24 hours and to stay to mostly liquids, so I haven't been able to tell yet if I feel more restriction. The doctor thought I would probably need another 1 or 2 mls to have a good level of restriction, but we will go slowly and see how I feel. When she did the fill I honestly didn't feel a thing and was shocked when she told me it was finished. I have only had one fill before this and it was quite painful, so the fact that I didn't feel a thing was amazing.

Speaking of my doctor, I saw her for the first time yesterday and she is fabulous! I wasn't too keen on my lap band surgeon, he gave me absolutely no information and was not very helpful at all. He was also quite rude to me when I came in for a pre-op appointment and had gained weight and made me feel like a complete failure and threatened to not do the lap band unless I lost weight. Even on the day of surgery, I could see him preparing for the surgery while I was waiting on the trolley and he didn't even bother to come over and say hello or see how I was feeling. I guess not all great surgeons can have wonderful personalities, and as long as he did the surgery well (which he did), I am happy.

I am thrilled to have my new doctor for future follow up appointments, she is just so lovely and gave me so much information about what to expect when having a lap band, getting a fill and losing weight. I had actually considered cancelling my fill appointment yesterday because I knew I had gained weight since they last weighed me and I was scared they would tell me off again. I know that sounds ridiculous that I would consider cancelling an appointment that is going to help me lose weight, but I am a bit sensitive about these things. Anyway, she was absolutely fine and understood my situation and just wanted to help get me back on track. I feel so much better having her support and a lot of my worries about the lap band have been put to rest.

Home Sweet Home

I arrived home from the UK late Thursday night and I am already feeling much happier and more positive (and I haven't even been home 12 hours yet). I just feel so good to be home and back in my own space with my own stuff, and most importantly- clean clothes!

I got home about 10.00pm and it is now 6.30am and I haven't been able to sleep. I am still on UK time and completely confused. I have tried everything to get to sleep, from sleeping tablets, doing my taxes and watching that Denise Richards reality show, but I am still wide awake. It probably didn't help that I did some work emails about 3.00am and got all strung out and upset about a few matters. I swear to God I will never learn.

I am so excited to get back into cooking delicious meals with fresh and healthy ingrediants and most of all to get back to the gym. You might be wondering if I am being sarcastic, but I'm serious. I desperately missed having the time to myself at the gym and the buzz from an awesome workout. I also get a fill in my lapband on Monday, so I should hopefully have my first taste of restriction.

Things are looking up!

Torn

I am failing at this really badly.

I tried really hard for the first few days to exercise and eat right while I am in Oxford for work, but I just can't do it. My mind just keeps reeling from thinking about food. I am staying in a hotel that has a Krispy Kreme in it for god's sake.

I try to start the day well with a good breakfast and by 10.30am I am staring at the biscuits on the conference table and I literally can't think of anything else until I cave in and eat one. They aren't even nice biscuits, they're those crappy Arnotts creme assortment kind that I normally wouldn't bother eating. From that point it is all down hill.

I get lonely and anxious when I travel for work and guess what makes me feel better? Food. I know people say that food never helps, but it actually does. I really do feel comforted from eating chocolate from the mini bar. It is clear that it is unhealthy for me to travel for work because I have no control over my eating. I know I can put whatever food and drink I like on the company card and it is too much temptation for a food addict like me.

I have kind of given up on the idea of healthy eating while I am here. The torture I was going through at every meal when food was offered to me is just too much. I just want to eat so that I can stop thinking about food and move on. I honestly feel mentally exhausted from agonising over food. One minute I am trying to find ways to avoid food and the next minute I am binging. Either way, my weird food habits are becoming apparent to my colleagues.

I guess it will be better once I get some restriction put in my lap band, but currently I can eat anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. If anything it makes it clear that I made the right decision to get this lap band. I clearly need help.

Just Touched Down In London Town

Well I did about a week ago anyway.

Yes the flight was some kind of torture and I am already dreading the return flight home. I am really strange and I refuse to use the toilets on planes, not sure if it is because I am a germaphobe or because I am scared I won't fit. Probably both. So I didn't eat or drink for the whole trip so that I wouldn't have to use the bathroom. Yeah it was a 24 hour flight. Anyway, I am hyperventilating just thinking about the whole thing, so enough about that.

I spent the weekend in the London sunshine (suck on that Melbournians). I was completely out of whack on the time zones so I was getting up at 4.30am and strolling around London and I felt like I had the city to myself. I moved onto Oxford last Sunday, where I have just spent an entire week sitting through tedious powerpoint presentations on fascinating topics such as strategy and objectives. I am losing the will to live right now.

It has been really hard to be here because I had a particularly bad experience at work the week before I came to Oxford that left me very upset and anxious. My boss asked me on Monday to stay an extra week in Oxford (I am already going to be here for 3 weeks) and I said no because I felt like it was too last minute to change my plans and I also didn't want to stay away from home for that long. I am trying to put my health and sanity first and I really felt like this wouldn't be the best thing for me to do. It is the first time I have ever said no to anything at work and my boss didn't take it well...

Anyway, the whole situation has been really upsetting because a lot of things were said to me that I think were unfair and actually quite nasty. Then I had to get on a 24 hour flight and sit through tedious meetings, while working early mornings and evenings to keep up with my other work. I just wanted to hand in my notice and come home. This job just isn't worth it. My emotional and physical health have suffered immeasurably since I started this job, I gained 35 kilos, I nearly had a nervous breakdown, I lost a lot of hair and I developed a nervous twitch all from the stress. For my own health and sanity I need to leave.

I am going to the hotel bar now to put a lot of very expensive cocktails on the company…

Monthly Weigh In

I had my official first day of the month weigh in this morning and I am now 113.5 kilos, having lost a total of 3.1 kilos for the month. This sounds ok, but given I lost 2 kilos in the first week of the month and I have been to the gym 5 days a week and only had one off plan meal for the whole month, I was a little disappointed. I set myself a goal to be 110 kilos by today and I really didn't get very close.

I have decided not to have numbers based goals anymore because it just leads to disappointment. My eating and exercise were pretty much 100% for the month, so I did everything possible to lose weight and I can't be disappointed at myself. I can't control the scales or how my body loses weight, so I won't be using that as a way to measure my success anymore. Instead, I will focus on whether or not I am exercising regularly and making good food choices. Not that I won't be checking in on the scales of course, I'm only human!

I probably set my goals a little too high last month, but it was mostly because I have to go to the UK for work tomorrow and I am terrified of the 24 hour flight. I am scared the seat belt will be too tight, that I am going to take up too much room and annoy my fellow passengers and that the tray table won't go down. As you can imagine, 24 hours is a long time to be in a tiny seat on an aeroplane for someone that weighs 113.5 kilos and when I think about it I start hyperventilating. Did I mention I am also afraid of flying and have claustrophobia? So this is pretty much my worst nightmare.

On top of this, I have to spend 3 weeks in the Oxford based office of my company and last time I was there I was at least 10 kilos lighter and of course I am paranoid everyone will notice. I don't know why I care if they notice I have gained weight, I don't even like them, but I still care. Can you tell that I really don't want to go on this trip?