Fill Time

I have had a difficult time getting the restriction level of my band correct. In the three years that I have had the lap band I don't think I have ever got to that elusive green zone where I feel satisfied by food and don't get stuck when I eat. I am either too tight and can't eat yoghurt without vomiting or too loose and can still eat a whole pizza without too much trouble.

Earlier this year I had 0.3 mls removed from my 10 ml band so that I would have an easier time getting food down. Unfortunately I had too easy a time eating and my weight has shot up. So on Saturday I went back to my lap band clinic and asked for the fill to be put back in.

I had been putting off going for a fill because I hate having to tolerate the advice that goes with it. I saw a new doctor, who was perfectly nice, but she just went ahead and assumed that I was a moron. She seemed to think I had gained weight because I didn't know how to eat properly and thought I should go to see the clinic nutritionist (who charges $90 for a group session). I tried to explain that I ate very well day-to-day and that the issues I had were with emotional binge eating. She didn't listen and started to give me advice like this:

• You could try eating minced meat instead of steak or chicken
• Lentils are a great meat substitute
• You should order soup from restaurants when you go out
• Try to eat slower and chew your food very well

Wow... just how stupid does she think I am after having a lap band for three years... I attempted to explain, once again, that I am doing all of this but that I also eat uncontrollably past the point of feeling full and I don't know why. After this finally sunk in with her, her only response was that the lap band can't help with those problems. Duh. Then she told me at least five more times that I should see the nutritionist, gave me my fill and probably hoped she didn't have to see me again.

I feel like every time I see the doctors at my lap band clinic that they are really uncomfortable when I mention the troubles I have with emotional eating. They don't want to hear that the lap band can't solve all weight problems and that I am struggling.

Oh well, at least I got the fill in my band so hopefully I'll have a better chance of stopping this emotional over-eating. I had 0.3 mls put in and I now have 5.9 mls in a 10 ml band. Let's see how this goes...

Friday Weigh In- 8 June

Start: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Last week: 86.9 kilos (191 lbs)
Today: 86.2 kilos (189.5 lbs)
Difference: - .7 kilos (1.5 lbs)
Total: -1.3 kilos (2.5 lbs)

It's time for my weekly weigh in for my Final 15 challenge and the results are mixed. I did lose 0.7 kilo this week, but I did not do it the right way...

Last week I talked about how I had a gain after a weekend of terrible eating and bingeing. I had really hoped that I could do better this week, but I somehow managed to do worse. I did not even think it was possible to do worse, but I guess I am kind of like a superhero of terrible eating and I surprised even myself.

I won't get into the nitty gritty of what went wrong because there is no real reason for why I started to eat and couldn't stop. I don't know why I keep eating until I am physically ill and can't even sleep because of the pain in my stomach. It just seems so crazy to me that I can want to lose weight so much and have every reason in the world to suceed and yet I keep failing. It is such a shameful process to keep going through.

After 4 days of binge eating I woke up on Tuesday morning and just knew something had to change. I took the drastic step of resorting to protein shakes for breakfast and lunch for the rest of the week (with normal dinners). I just felt like my body needed a reprieve from food and drinking the shakes didn't feel like a punishment, it felt refreshing.

So by doing the shakes I managed to turn my week around and actually lose 0.7 kilos instead of gaining about 3 kilos. Thank god. I obviously don't want to have to continue on this binge and starve cycle because it is not good for my body so I am hoping determined that this week I will do better.

This is me today as I write this at work at 86.2 kilos. It'll be at least another 6 kilos until I start to lose the bloat in my face and fit into any of my clothes again but I am determined to get these Final 15 kilos off.

My Favourite Things

Picture me like Oprah dancing about on stage screaming about my favourite things. Except I had to pay for these products and I don't have any to give away. So this probably isn't quite as exciting... but bear with me because these products might just blow your mind like they did mine.

I have wanted to try these products for ages because I had read about them on other blogs or health articles but unfortunately they are all only sold at Woolworths here in Australia (in my area anyway) and I don't have a Woolworths that is teribly convenient so it has taken me ages to get hold of these products. They are all well worth the trip though!

Firstly is this Vitarium Sugar Free Hot Chocolate which has been a godsend on these cold winter nights. It has about 8 calories and 2 carbs per serve and it is creamy and delicious, honestly, you wouldn't know it was low sugar! It is so good that I always feel guilty after I drink it and have to remind myself this stuff is healthy and natural.

This product has BLOWN MY MIND. It is called Slim Pasta and it is pasta made from a vegetable called konjac. Sounds gross right? Wrong. I thought it was delicious when I made it topped with a bolognese sauce. The most exciting thing about this pasta is that it only has 8 calories and less than a gram of carbs per serve. See why my mind is blown now? I was able to eat a big bowl of it and get that nice heavy and full feeling that eating pasta gives you. Warning on this product though, I love it, but I have heard other people are not quite as fond of it as I am, but they are crazy...
They have some yummy looking recipes on thier website too!

Of course everyone has heard of Chobani, but we have only recently been blessed with this product in Australia. I bought myself one of each of the flavours my store had and I have found them all to be delicious. My favourite was probably the passionfruit, but why oh why must people put passionfruit seeds in food? I find it so off-putting. This yoghurt has about the normal fat, calorie and carb count of any yoghurt, but the difference is that it is extremely thick and creamy (yum) and is packed with protein. Each tub has 14-18 grams of protein, which is just amazing for us lap banders that need to work at getting our protein. These will definitely become a regular for me when I can afford it, at $1.99 per tub they are not something I can afford to eat every day.

So those are my current favourite things. Sorry if I sound like an advertorial! Let me know if you have tried any of them and what you think.

Friday Weigh In- 1 June

Well this has been a very bad start to my Final 15 attempt...

Start: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Last week: 86.6 kilos (190.5 lbs)
Today: 86.9 kilos (191 lbs)
Difference: + 300 grams (0.5 lbs)

I had planned to eat off-plan last Friday night for a family trip to the footy. I knew lots of alcohol and greasy footy food would be involved and that was fine because one off-plan meal a week does not hurt. In fact, it is mandatory for me! Unfortunately one night somehow turned into an entire weekend of absolutely terrible eating.

After one too many drinks on Friday night I was a little hungover on Saturday and AJ decided to be nice and buy me my favourite hangover foods. I had no resistance and I pretty much ate all the food in the photo below over the course of the weekend. It was equal parts delicious and sickening.

I am disappointed in myself for making such poor choices over the weekend. Well, actually it wasn't so much what I ate (even though it was totally calorific), but the volume of food I consumed. It is one thing to throw caution to the wind and indulge in your favourite foods and enjoy it, but it's completely stupid to eat past the point of comfort for 2 whole days. I get so frustrated at myself for continuing to eat well past the point that I feel sick to my stomach. What in the hell is wrong with me?

On a positive note, I am happy that I managed to limit the damage by getting back on plan this week. It could have been so much worse than a 300 gram gain so I am grateful for small mercies. Fingers crossed I manage to get through this weekend without eating the entire biscuit aisle again.

Final 15

Earlier this week I mustered up the courage to haul myself onto the scales for the 3 year anniversary of my lap band. It wasn't a pretty sight. I now have renewed determination to get back to my losing ways and lose these final 15 kilos. Even more so now that I have squeezed myself into my jeans for casual Friday today. Oh the pain.

So I am going back into weight loss mode, which involves weekly weigh ins (no matter how much I hate them) and all sorts of other boring things like exercise and lettuce. I plan to weigh myself every week and be accountable to this little blog... until I start steadily gaining weight again and pretending that this post never happened. Just feel free to play along and not remind me if that happens...

I even came up with a nifty name for this new focus-- Final 15, and I made a page to keep track of my weigh ins. When I am weighing myself I normally do it on a Friday because I am bound to be at my lightest weight for the week before my weekend wine time. So, here is my first weigh in...

Start wight: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Today's weight:  86.6 kilos (190.5 lbs)
Difference: -900 grams (2 lbs)

Woo hoo, off to a good start!

Source

3 Years Banded

I really wanted to ignore that today is my 3 year anniversary of having the lap band, but there is just no point in having blog if I can't even be honest with myself. Even though I detest the scales, I decided that I really should weigh myself today to find out how I am tracking 3 years out from having lap band surgery. I stepped on the scales and silently begged them to 'please be under 85 kilos', but my prayers were not answered and I was faced with a rather harsh number. I am currently 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs).

Let me put this is perspective for you...

Start weight: 129.7 kilos (285.5 lbs) May 2009
Lowest weight* 73.3 kilos (161 lbs) April 2011
Current weight 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs) May 2012

Oh dear... no wonder my clothes don't fit and my face looks like a puffer fish.

OK, so I am not going to get into the why did this happen because I have written about that enough (bingeing, anxiety, self-hatred etc) and I need to move on. I need to start over and remember what it is to work hard and not give into every urge I have to eat chocolate and sit on the couch when I should be at the gym.

I am starting fresh at my current weight and not resting on my laurels from my previous weight loss. I can't keep congratulating myself on how far I have come because 'at least you don't weigh 130 kilos anymore'. So my goal is to lose between 10 -15 kilos by the 1st December 2012, which is about 27 weeks away. That is not easy, but achieveable if I work hard.

GOALS
Happy: lose 10 kilos by December 1st 2012 (weigh in at 77.5 kilos)
Extremely happy: lose 12.5 kilos by December 1st 2012 (weigh in at 75 kilos)
Beyond ecstatic: lose 15 kilos by December 1st 2012 (weigh in at 72.5 kilos)

Me at my happy weight of about 78 kilos (171.5 lbs) in December 2010

Me at my unhappy weight of 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs) photo taken today (under horrific fluro lighting)

*I have listed my lowest weight as 73.3 kilos (161 lbs) and technically it was for about one second after I follwed a crazy low carb diet. I really don't count that as a 'real' weight and I would say that my 'normal' low weight was 77.5 kilos (170.5 lbs).

1 Year Band Anniversary
2 Year Band Anniversary

Exercise Motivation

I won't start moaning about how much I detest exercise again because it is probably a de-motivator for anyone reading! I will just say that I don't enjoy exercise, but I do it because I don't want to weigh 130 kilos again. Lately I have tried a new way to get my arse to the gym and it is mostly working. Instead of going to the gym to lose weight, I go to the gym to get fit. Revolutionary!

We all know that we can work hard at the gym and not see the results on the scales and get very disappointed. So now when I am convincing myself to go to the gym, I think of it in terms of the fitness and mobility it will give me. I remember a few recent occassions when I went on hikes and felt my fitness struggle. I remember when I was at my biggest and how I struggled to walk up one flight of stairs or walk further than a block without tiring. This motivates me to go to the gym and work out because I know if I do the work at the gym I will get the health and fitness rewards... and the scales can just fuck off.

Right now things are a little hard because I have hurt my back quite badly and I am limited in what I can do to exercise. I am seeing a physio 3 times a week and he is working on my new back problem (from awkwardly lifting a heavy box at work) as well as my old back problem (from being morbidly obese my entire life). This is a big non-scale victory for me because I have always been too embarrassed to seek help with my back because of my weight.

At the same time I am seeing a podiatrist who is helping me with my plantar fasciitis. I had a plaster cast made of my feet and custom orthotics were made to try and repair the damage to my feet. I spent many years being obese and working in retail jobs that involved being on my feet for at least 8 hours a day. Then I got the lap band and started working out excessively without the proper support. My podiatrist says both of these actions caused the damage equally. So with all these back and foot problems you can see I was never one of those 'fat and healthy' people.

So now I am faced with the challenge that I actually do want to work out and improve my fitness, but I am struggling to find an exercise that I can do without straining my back or putting pressure on my feet. I am not allowed to do pilates, the only exercise I enjoy, until I strengthen my back. Last week I very stupidly tried the rowing machine at the gym and then couldn't move for two days because I made my back so much worse. Any ideas???

Just for a little extra motivation I purchased myself some new runners online today. I realised I haven't bought new runners in almost four years! My old ones have been with me through thick and thin (literally) so I will be almost sad to see them go. Lucky I have these shiny new replacements to look forward to!

From Wiggle

Looking Back, Looking Forward

With winter well on its way, it is becoming increasingly clear that I either need to some lose weight or buy a new winter jacket. Given certain financial constraints, my only choice right now is to lose some weight. Well, it's probably a good idea anyway since none of my other clothes fit either.

AJ very cruelly snapped this photo on the tram this afternoon on the way home from work. That poor button is about 3 inches away from having any chance of doing up. No wonder people always think I am pregnant when I walk around with a maternity bump like that!

The good news is that I am not starting from scratch. I don't weigh 130 kilos (286 lbs) anymore so there is nothing to cry about . To get back to where I felt comfortable in my clothes and in my skin I probably need to lose 7-10 kilos (15-20 lbs). That is not the end of the world. Hell, even if I lose 3-5 kilos (6-10 lbs) I will feel better.

If I want to really search for the silver lining about this recent weight gain I would say that it has been a blessing to reassess where I was and where I want to be. I was on such a roll with my weight loss and weighing close to a normal weight for the first time that I couldn't appreciate how far I had come. I didn't stop to smell the roses... Looking back now I can see that I shouldn't have been so hard on myself and I am glad that I realise that now.

I recently used all my frequent flyer point to buy a new laptop and I had to transfer all my old photos to my new laptop. As I was sorting through my old photos I looked back and realised that last year I wasn't as fat as I seemed to think I was at the time. I was certainly never thin, but I was feeling fit, confident and happy. What more can you want?

Here are a few of the pictures I came across that stood out to me because I didn't know they were being taken and they are all very awkward positions. Of course they are not 'nice' photos, but I thought I managed to look normal enough while I wasn't posing. The funny thing is I recall feeling particularly fat in both the first and third photos. How silly I was.

Doing my make-up before a night out

Resting while on a hike (and being silly by the looks of it)

Playing on the rocks in Tasmania

Quick Wins

This losing weight business never gets easy. I tend to beat myself up a lot for my slip-ups and wonder why I can't just get things right. Obviously we all know what we need to do to lose weight, but our evil little minds seem to want to conspire against us. Also, let's face it, ice cream and pizza are awesome.

So while I am constantly scolding myself for eating the wrong things... I am proud that I manage to get some things right. It's great to have those quick wins so at the end of the day you know that you ticked some of the right boxes.

My work days are normally pretty good. I have a bit of a rule for myself that I do not spend money on food or drinks at work so I bring my breakfast and lunch in every day. Every morning when I get to work I have a cup of tea and oatmeal. This is my favourite meal of the day and I would probably eat oatmeal for every meal of every day if I could. Actually I did eat oatmeal for breakfast, lunch and dinner the other day...

Then for lunch I have a soy and linseed sandwich thin and a can of tuna in oil, which I wash down with a can of Pepsi Max. I really enjoy this lunch and I have it pretty much every day and, most importantly, it takes no preparation! Throughout the day I drink 1.5 - 2 litres of water-- mostly to stop me from snacking. By late afternoon I am so hungry I want to eat my own arm, so I'll eat a small handful of nut and seed mix to tide me over until I get home.

So these are my quick win meals that I get right pretty much every day. I do feel good that I eat pretty well most days and it really isn't an effort at all. Unfortunately the evenings and the weekends are not so easy... but this is supposed to be a positive post so I won't even get started on those little problems...

Scales

I haven't been on the scales since the start of February and I can honestly say I have no idea how much I currently weigh. I would say that it is most certainly substantially higher than my last weigh in of 81 kilos (178 lbs). I know it's a bit crappy to follow along with this little blog when you are interested in weight loss and I am not really losing weight or weighing myself. I am just not in the right headspace to be on the scales right now.
I don't think I am hiding from the number on the scales. I don't need to get on the scales to know it's not a good number. I  can feel the weight on my body in everything that I do... not to mention when I try to zip up my jeans.

I know for most people that they need to see the number on the scales to keep themselves in check and get motivation. It mostly does the opposite for me and I turn myself into a human punching bag because I feel like I have never done enough. When I am weighing myself regularly I tend to start starving myself and shying away from social functions that include food and alcohol. Obviously that is not the way I want to live my life.

Right now I am focusing on exercising to gain strength and fitness and if I was to be weighing myself I couldn't help but turn my focus back on weight loss. I am eating to build my health back up, so this means that I am eating more than the 1000 calories I am supposed to stick to for weight loss. Once again, if I was weighing myself I would only be disappointed in the numbers and I really don't need to beat myself up about that right now. So I am going to keep my distance from the scales for a while longer and just work on eating healthy and exercising.

I do have one goal though, god damn I would love to fit back into my size 16 jeans before the end of the year. I am hoping slow and steady will win the race...