Sticky Situation 3

One of the worst things about having a lap band is that fact that food (and even drinks sometimes) can get stuck. Once the food is stuck in the band and won't go down, it only has one way to get out-- it needs to come back up. Depending on how tight your lap band is, this can happen daily... or not at all. My band is not very tight and pretty much the only time this happens to me is when I am out because I get anxious and the band tightens up and food just will not go down. 

So I am normally very careful when I eat in public, but occasionally I am not careful enough and mistakes happen. I recently made one of those mistakes... with very embarrassing consequences.

I went to the footy on Sunday because AJ is a massive Tigers supporter and we were excited to see them play in their first final in 12 years. So were the other 95,000 other people at the stadium. The game didn't start until 3.20 pm and I hadn't had a chance to eat anything all day because I had rushed from my mum's house back to Melbourne and then caught a train to the MCG in time for the game. I was starving and there were not a lot of band-friendly food choices to make.

I am obviously an idiot and I decided to get myself a meat pie and a cider because it's the footy and that is what you do! Then disaster struck and I felt the pie get stuck in my band. I let it sit for a while and hoped it would go down. Then I stood up at the back of the seats bay for a while trying to jiggle it down. Then I took a tinsy tiny sip of cider because sometimes that can lubricate it down the band. Nope, nothing would work.

Next thing I get a familiar feeling that means that food is coming out of the band RIGHT NOW. I raced to the toilets and was faced with a large queue (did I mention there were 95,000 people there?). It was too late... it already came up. I didn't even have time to get to the sinks or the bin and so I vomited in my own mouth. Everyone in the queue saw me do it and they all collectively jumped away from me. I just stood there, completely panic stricken for what felt like 5 minutes, but was probably 5 seconds. Then a lovely girl grabbed me and pushed me to the front and shoved me in the next available cubical.

I tried to stay in the cubical for as long as possible so that by the time I came out no one from the queue would still be in there. Of course I timed it perfectly so that the lovely girl who helped me was standing at the sinks when I came out. I thanked her, she told me I toilet paper stuck to my shoe, and I just wanted the world to swallow me up.

After that incident... and the performance by the Tigers, I was in need of many more ciders to ease the pain. Luckily I managed to find the vomiting incident more and more funny by the end of the night... but not any less disgusting!

Sugar Detox

This week I have tentatively moved back to my apartment and gone back to work full time because my mum has got some strength back now that she has finished chemo. Unfortunately her health could go downhill any day so I am trying to make the most of her good days and get some work done and enjoy being home. The routine of normal life will be a huge help in regaining my health and fitness. I am just a mess when I am out of routine. Who knew that grocery shopping, cooking meals, going to work and being at home could feel so amazing!

It seems that the rude shock I got from the scales last week has given me the push I needed to try and get my health back on track. I am no longer in denial that my weight 'isn't that bad' and ready to do the work to lose the weight. I am really trying not to be too hard on myself for the massive gain over the past 6 months year... but that is much easier said than done!

While I was looking after my mum for the past few months I managed to get myself seriously addicted to sugar again. My mum had no appetite at all during chemo so I had the house full of high calorie treats to try and entice her to eat something... instead she lost 20 kilos and I gained 20 kilos!Almost ever single evening I would binge eat on sugars because I felt like I deserved it or even needed it because I was so stressed out or had a bad day or I was lonely or whatever excuse I came up with that day.

I knew I needed to have a bit of a sugar detox so I have completely eliminated sugar from my diet so my body can stop the intense cravings. My body is in serious hurt from this withdrawal and just wants to sleep and my legs feel like concrete. Does this exhaustion wear off eventually? I feel like a zombie right now... a very bitchy zombie who wants to eat chocolate!

I can't type anymore... too tired from lack of suagr...

Owning Up

Yesterday I decided that it was time I faced up to the scales and the damage I have done to my body over the past few months. I am not a big fan of the scales and I would prefer to live without them, but I realised that I was actually just hiding from them right now. I needed to see the number so I could do something about it before I weighed 130 kilos again.

It was worse than I could even imagine... I have gained about 20 kilos this year.

94.5 kilos (208 lbs).*

I actually don't have the words to say much more about that. All I can say is that I am ashamed and devastated that I let this happen after losing the weight and having body lift surgery.

The only other thing I have to say about this is that I will lose this weight, starting this minute, today.

Here are some photos I just took in case anyone is interested in seeing how weight gain after a body lift looks. You can see that most of the weight is on my thighs, arms, back and chest... I still have a nice flat tummy... for whatever it's worth.

 

* Edited to say 208 lbs, not 298 lbs... that for alerting me to my typo!!!

Get Fit Attempt #1079

I have been a bit of a misery guts lately, luckily my latest get fit attempt has given me a good laugh.

A bit over a month ago I saw a flyer posted advertising a cheap 6 week membership for C*rves gym in the little town I am currently living in while I look after my mum. I have never had a desire to join C*rves, but I thought it might be a good way for me to get some exercise in while I am here. I normally find that when I am exercising it helps keep me positive and have a better focus on eating healthy.

So I made an appointment to go in for a consultation to get started. From the second I walked inside the 'gym' I felt like I had been transported back in time. I almost turned around and walked out the door when I saw the equipment. It was so old that I wasn't even sure it was safe. Generally I find that one of the only fun things about the gym is the cool space age equipment. So that was strike one.

I met the extremely enthusiastic and sweet owner who was going to get me started. I let her know that I had a long and troubled history with dieting and exercise and I didn't want to diet or be weighed. I could see she was immediately thrown when I said I didn't want to be weighed because I don't think she knew where else to focus our consultation. I also said I wasn't there to focus on losing weight and I just wanted to exercise for health and fitness. Unfortunately the consultant seemed to have a set spiel and didn't seem to be able deviate from her script.

So I sat through all her helpful tips on walking 10,000 steps per day, drinking 8 glasses of water, eating less than 1200 calories and keeping a food diary. Then she made me choose a size I would like to be and measured me to tell me how many centimetres I needed to lose to achieve this size. Of course she also tried to sell me their diet plan that would really help me lose weight. I am not sure what part of 'I am not here to lose weight' that she did not understand. Strike two.

So I got past all of that and just wanted to get on with working out. For those that don't know, the concept is that you work out at a high intensity for 30 seconds at each station and the workout is complete in 30 minutes. I actually don't mind the idea of this because it takes away the pressure to do a crazy long workout. Also, I hate exercise, so getting it done in half an hour is awesome for me.

The workout space is very small and cosy and the staff like to get right up in your business to encourage you while you are working out. They are asking you if you have had your 8 glasses of water today, standing beside you at every machine encouraging you to 'push out' and the final straw for me was when they introduced me to the other girls so we could chat while we worked out. This whole scenario is my worst nightmare. I can't handle anything more than a smile and a 'hello' as I am walking in the door of a gym. Call me unsocial, but I do not want people hovering over me while I workout and I especially don't want to chit chat with strangers. Strike three.

I lasted 4 sessions before I just couldn't bring myself to go back. So it's back to the drawing board...

One Step Forward...

Warning:

It's been a month exactly since I last wrote on this blog. Right now I can't say that anything much to do with weight loss has been going on in my life. My whole life has pretty much revolved around taking care of my mum while she battles lung cancer. It has been a lot more difficult than we anticipated because when she started chemo and radiotherapy a few weeks back it pretty much almost killed her. Less than a week after she started she had a heart attack and also got an infection and stopped breathing because the treatment was just too much for her. Luckily the ambulance arrived in time to get her breathing and she has been released from hospital and is doing a bit better now. There is not much more to say about that right now except that it is heartbreaking to watch a loved one be so sick, scared and in pain.

Everyday is scheduled with chemo, radiotherapy, blood tests,  psychologists, cardiology etc etc etc... this carer stuff is literally a full time job. Then I am still also working my full time job at night after mum goes to bed. I am working from home and basically just trying to keep my head above water so I don't get fired. I feel massively guilty all the time because I really don't think I am doing anything terribly well right now.

I made a very big mistake about 6 weeks ago when I decided I should go off my anti-anxiety pills (cymbalta). I have had a very tough time with them since I started them about 12 months ago, but it just never seemed like the right time to go off them. I was either busy at work, or had surgery or Christmas or holidays or a lot happening... there was always an excuse. Then when I found out about my mum's illness and that I had to look after her I knew I had to get off the pills so I could focus.

The side effects I had from the cymbalta meant that I could barely look after myself, let alone another person. I had terrible night terrors and sweats every night that haunted me through out the day. I had such bad insomnia that I literally fell asleep at work every single day for the last 12 months. I am not joking at all. Anyone who knows me in real life has had me fall asleep on them at some point over the last 12 months.

Me asleep at work, as taken by a colleague

It is awful to feel so out of control, but also so scared to stop taking the medication because they had given me peace of mind from my anxiety. For once in my life I didn't feel like the world was going to end, that everyone I love was going to die in a car accident, that my flat was going to burn down, that I was going to be fired because I am bad at my job, that everyone hated me and wished I was dead, that I was a horrible person and made people miserable. It was a hard choice to make, but I needed control of my life back, even if that meant going back to living with so much fear and anxiety.

It turns out that getting off the tablets was even worse than I had read about. I went through a horrible withdrawal and I am only now starting to feel like my old self. There is no doubt that getting off those tablets was harder than having weight loss surgery and a body life surgery combined. Firstly, the physical side effects: brain zaps, light/noise/pain sensitivity and the fact that withdrawal is mostly likely the cause of my falling down the stairs and spraining my ankle and getting the flu. I was also slammed with emotional side effects that really knocked my socks off. I became paranoid, angry, impatient, angry, mean... and even more angry.

I am normally a ridiculously patient and calm person. I can honestly say I have never raised my voice at anyone. I am definitely not a saint, but being angry and impatient are not in the (very long) list of flaws that I have. Unfortunately over the last month I have behaved extremely badly and I have felt powerless to stop myself...

I punched a traffic light when I missed my tram, I picked up my lovely laptop and smashed it on the table when it wouldn't connect to the internet, I gave a kid the evil eye twice for kicking the back of my seat, I snapped at the lady serving me in Myer, I hung up on a Citibank call centre person on two separate occasions, I made a rude gesture at someone who pushed in front of me on the train. Plus I have been generally short-tempered, mean, snippy and awful to be around.

I think I am 75% better now, all the physical side effects stopped after about 3 weeks, but some of the emotional side effects are lingering. This may be because my body has to learn to cope and be happy without the help of anti-anxiety/depression tablets. It might also be because I am under a lot of stress while I am caring for my mum, missing home and trying to keep up with work.

I am really glad I am off the medication now. I just wish I had done it 6 months ago when it became clear that they were not good for me. I am sleeping through the night without nightmares, the revolting sweats have stopped and the fogginess is gone. I love feeling back in control of my mind again and like I can get through the day without letting anyone down. I am more than a little ashamed that I have been so focussed on myself at a time when all my focus should be on helping my mum.

Things can only get better from here.
xxoo

Take Me Back

I am pretty sure I have not been whingey and depressing enough lately, so I thought I better check in to let you all know that the day after I fell down my stairs and painfully tore ligaments in my ankle, I came down with bronchitis and the flu. This will happen when you brag to your friends and colleagues that you haven't had so much as a cold in over 3 years. I deserved that.

So I am supposed to be working hard before I take 6 weeks off work to look after my mum, but instead I have been confined to bed all week because every single inch of my body hurts. Even my hair hurts... who knew that was possible. Also my communication has to be done via a whiteboard because I can't get enough oxygen in my lungs to speak. Which is lucky for anyone around me because my extreme grumpiness is less likely to transmit via whiteboard.

I used to be jealous of my colleagues who would take a week off work every year for the flu... turns out it isn't as much fun as I imagined. There is no laying on the couch watching movies in my flannelette pyjamas and eating a box of chocolates... instead I am just sitting here trying to breath and dripping in sweat from a fever while I try and swallow tablets almost as big as my finger. I normally gag on anything bigger than a tic tac....

On the bright side, there may be some much needed weight loss side effects, seeing as I have barely eaten all week. Unfortunately the 4 litres of juice I am drinking each day probably has about 17,000 calories in it. Oh well, let's face it, I have never been one of those people who lose weight when they are sick. I must be the only person who gained 5 kilos the week I had all 4 wisdom teeth out. I have a strong commitment to ice cream!

So right now, all I want in the entire world is to be drinking cocktails from buckets and shotting alcohol that burns as it goes down my chest on a hot night in crazy Bangkok. Transport me now please? I definitely have to start planning another holiday soon!

Be Kind Rewind

Last week I was waiting for a tram after work and holding onto my phone in my hand, not doing anything with it, just holding it so I would hear it if it rang (because I obviously seem to believe I am super important and can't miss a single call). It suddenly dawned on me how amazing it was that with the push of a button I could hear my mum's voice on the end of the phone line within seconds. I then realised that it may not be long before I won't be able to do that ever again. I won't ever be able to pick up the phone and hear my mum's voice and it was a realisation that left me breathless with sadness.

I am trying so hard to appreciate every moment I have left with my mum. I know that I am very lucky to get the chance to do this because so many people have their loved ones torn away suddenly. I am trying to be present and take everything in, but I have to say that sometimes it is just so emotionally overwhelming to have to think this way. I wish I could just have one day where I could relax and be happy with my mum without having to constantly play "this could be the last time ......" in my head over and over again.

What is even worse than that is when I start to think about all the things that we will never do together again. My mum is not well enough to do a lot of things anymore and so I know it means we won't ever go shopping together again or decide to try the latest fad diet and then laugh at how awful it was. She won't be able to whip me up a dress on her sewing machine or spend hours making a special recipe she thought I would enjoy.

Don't get me started on the things that we never got to do together because that is more than I can bear to think about.

I just want to rewind time, or at least pause, I don't want to go forward anymore.

Road Ahead

It has been a crazy month for me, ever since mum was diagnosed with lung cancer on 31st May it has been non-stop doctors appointments. I've had to take a fair bit of time off work to take mum to her appointments and help out at home. So then the days I am at work it has been long hours trying to catch up on all the work I have neglected.

I am actually doing really well with everything. After the initial shock wore off I have just kept myself busy getting the house set up for mum, doing the garden and sorting out things like mum's will and power of attorney. Plus we have only been in the new house for 2 months so there has been a lot to set up and get organised with internet, pay TV, fencing, lighting... and about a billion other small things.

We found out yesterday that mum is going to start 6 weeks of radiotherapy in 2 weeks. They hope that the radiotherapy will shrink some of the tumors on her lungs and make it easier for her to breath and talk. They are concerned that she may not be strong enough to get through the treatment, but it is worth the risk. Mum is only 51 years old, but she has lost a lot of weight and has been very fatigued over the past couple of months. She has been through a lot in her life, so I feel like she has a good chance of making it through.

I'll be staying with mum for the duration of the treatment and taking her to the radiotherapy appointments. The treatment only goes for about 30 minutes every day so I will try and work from home as much as I can in between looking after mum. Thank goodness for working for flexible and kind hearted bosses!!!

I am so lucky that I have had so much support during this time. The doctors and nurses have been beyond amazing, everyone at work has been generous with their support and with picking up my slack, not to mention my lovely friends (including online friends, most whom I have never met) who are just so sweet and have reached out to let me know that I am not alone.

Oh, one little problem... I stupidly fell down the stairs in my apartment yesterday morning and tore some ligaments in my ankle. I managed to crawl to the car and drive the 90 minutes to my mum's house so I could take her to her appointment (thankfully it is my left ankle and I can still drive) and then it was straight to the ER for me to get X-rayed. I am still in a lot of pain today and have about 6 weeks of rehab ahead of me, but at least I can hobble around on crutches to look after mum. I honestly couldn't be more frustrated at myself for being so clumsy and doing this to myself right when mum needs me more than ever. What a freaking idiot.

I obviously tempted fate by letting myself go a month without a pedicure... of course this would happen when my feet look gross!

It's Not Good News

Things don't look great for my mum and her lung cancer diagnosis. Her surgeon found that the cancer isn't treatable in surgery, but they can hope to extend her time by giving her chemo and radiotherapy. They estimate she has between 6 months to a year of life left. She is only 51 years old. So unfair.

It has taken me a while to write this, I tend to find denial works best for me, so having to say that was really hard. Anytime that I do think about it I feel a bit lightheaded and like I could pass out. So I guess that is why I am trying to ignore it for now.

Instead, I have completely thrown myself into getting my mum's new house comfortable for her. She didn't have much furniture so I went shopping and burned a hole in my credit card getting all new furniture to try and fill up the house. I also bought a new bed for me because I am getting too old and fat to sleep on the couch and I will be there quite a bit over the next little while. The most time and money was spent planting a front and back garden because it was basically a mud pit.

As you can see, I have a bad habit of trying fix problems by throwing money at them. It's especially bad because I don't have any money and I just get myself into all sorts of debt. I guess I just don't really care right now. I just want my mum to be happy and comfortable now she finally has a place to live. I am so thankful that I have been able to give her a home, it means the world to me that she can feel secure at a time like this.

I mostly wanted to write this post so I could thank those of you who left me lovely comments. I haven't really told anyone about my mum's illness yet, so your messages have been a great source of comfort to me. People can be so amazingly kind and I am so grateful for my blog friends.

Mum and I at my brother's wedding last year

Sad Sad Sad

I had some awful news on Friday that has left me shell shocked. I took my mum to a follow up appointment at the hospital for her pneumonia and we were told that she doesn't have pneumonia, she has lung cancer.

I am taking her back to this hospital tomorrow morning for surgery and we will hopefully know more then. The only thing the surgeon told us is that he believes it is 'advanced'. That word makes me feel sick to my stomach.

The thing about this is that I feel like I have brought this on somehow. When I started building mum a house to live in a year ago I started to get anxious that something bad was going to happen. My mum has had a very tough life and she hasn't had a stable home for the past 17 years. She has battled a lot of illnesses and all she has ever wanted is her own home where she can feel safe and comfortable. Where she can cook dinner for us kids and build a home we can all enjoy as a family. She moved in a month ago and now this happens. This just feels so unfair.

I don't know what else to say about this except I am devastated and when I think about it my eyes well with tears and I can't breathe. The thought of my mum going through this pain hurts me so much. I just can't believe this is happening.

My two sister-in-laws and me (green antlers) and mum (red antlers) at Christmas last year