Monday, July 01, 2013

Be Kind Rewind

Last week I was waiting for a tram after work and holding onto my phone in my hand, not doing anything with it, just holding it so I would hear it if it rang (because I obviously seem to believe I am super important and can't miss a single call). It suddenly dawned on me how amazing it was that with the push of a button I could hear my mum's voice on the end of the phone line within seconds. I then realised that it may not be long before I won't be able to do that ever again. I won't ever be able to pick up the phone and hear my mum's voice and it was a realisation that left me breathless with sadness.

I am trying so hard to appreciate every moment I have left with my mum. I know that I am very lucky to get the chance to do this because so many people have their loved ones torn away suddenly. I am trying to be present and take everything in, but I have to say that sometimes it is just so emotionally overwhelming to have to think this way. I wish I could just have one day where I could relax and be happy with my mum without having to constantly play "this could be the last time ......" in my head over and over again.

What is even worse than that is when I start to think about all the things that we will never do together again. My mum is not well enough to do a lot of things anymore and so I know it means we won't ever go shopping together again or decide to try the latest fad diet and then laugh at how awful it was. She won't be able to whip me up a dress on her sewing machine or spend hours making a special recipe she thought I would enjoy.

Don't get me started on the things that we never got to do together because that is more than I can bear to think about.

I just want to rewind time, or at least pause, I don't want to go forward anymore.


  1. Big Hugs x
    Appreciate the time you do have together and treasure those memories of all the things you have done together.

  2. Biggest hugs. I have no idea how you deal with all of this. I guess you will have to take time out & for yourself to grieve those things along the way. What I do know is that your Mum is so lucky to have you in her life; please take some comfort from that. xoxo

  3. I am so sorry that you are going through this at the moment. If it is any consolation to you at all, these words have helped me make some positive decisions that will impact my family greatly. Thank you

  4. Ah, my heart goes out to you, and all the others who are in the same boat as you...losing a mum is the hardest thing to bear, I miss my mum more than words could explain, and you will too.x

  5. I really can relate to this. I don't have anything to offer except breathe and face each day as you can. My heart goes out to you.

  6. I don't know what to say as you've just touched my heart. May you have moments of peace amongst your pain. You are a wonderful daughter and no doubt friend to your mum xxx

  7. Oh Tully, I have just logged on to catch up on your latest news and my heart just breaks for you as I read your last three posts. I can't imagine how you must be feeling and there are no words to take away your pain but I couldn't read your posts and not comment at all. Life can be so cruel sometimes and there are never any 'magic words' anyone can say that will fill that terrible gap where despair has taken residence. I wish there was something I could do to make things easier for you, other then being in my thoughts and prayers. HUGE hugs from NZ.

  8. I am just catching up on blogs and heard your sad news. I'm so sorry to hear this. I am so sorry that you and your Mom are going through this. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, I hope your Mom won't be in too much pain...and please take care of yourself too. Big Hugs!!!

  9. I've been reading your blog forever, and it breaks my heart to know your mother is so ill. I lost my dad a few years back and now my 92 year old mom is all I have. I know our time is finite, and I try to enjoy what we have, but I too fear the pain of losing her and I dread the day when I wont be able to pop over for a visit or go out trolling the junk shops and thrift stores. God bless you with strength and peace.

  10. Your post just brought a tear to my eye. I hope you can live in the moment as much as possible and take everything in its stride. Thinking of you and sending you lots of strength.

  11. Tully,
    I've been reading your blog for years and just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. I was 31 when I lost my darling mum to cancer also and there is nothing more heartbreaking than knowing your time left with your mum is short. Don't torture yourself thinking about how it could be the last time you do something with her, don't think about the stolen opportunities you won't have with her in the future because trust me, it will destroy you. Enjoy the present with her now, make memories, do whatever things you wanted to do together that she still can, even if its going to a new coffee shop for lunch. Tell her everything you need and want her to know while you still can. I took time off work when I could see my mum was deteriorating and spent as much time as I could with her. Time is precious. Email me any time at I really wished I had someone who knew my pain as I was living through it so if you need to vent I'm happy to listen.
    Take care, Soriah

  12. Cherish every moment you have with your Mum Chick... because yes, you are very lucky to spend this time with her, hard as it may be.
    Try not to dwell on the what if's and things you will never get to do with her. You have NOW, and that is the most important thing you can focus on.
    Let the sadness come later. And it will.

    I wish I'd had the chance to say 'Goodbye' to both my brothers and my Dad ... all three died in separate accidents. Just gone in the blink of an eye.

    {{{HUGE HUGS}}} because it is going to be hard, for you, your family and of course, your poor Mum.


Awww thanks so much for the comment!