On Friday night I received the written estimate for my body lift surgery from my surgeon. They had given me a preliminary figure of $12,500 so I was feeling pretty good about that amount and I was making plans to go ahead with the surgery.
Unfortunately the actual figure for the surgery has turned out to be more than I expected and is in excess of $20,000 out of pocket. I don't know the exact figure because they couldn't quote me on the anaesthetist. So it was quite a big blow when I got the letter and I must be honest and admit that my eyes did well up with tears for just a few seconds. I obviously will not be able to raise that kind of money and I just can't see when I ever will be able to raise that amount of money.
I know that a lot of people will tell me to just keep saving and I'll get there, but in order to fully disclose why this is not possible I will let you know that I am currently in the process of applying for a home loan to buy a house for my mum in the country. She will be living in the house and not able to pay rent as she is on a disability pension and does not have any money (it is a long and complicated situation). I am her carer so this is something I want to do for her, but it will be a massive expense for me on top of paying my city rent. At the same time, I will be taking a $20,000 pay cut at work next month due to the contract on my current role finishing. So as you can see, there is literally no way I can raise the money.
I guess I am just extra disappointed because when I thought the surgery was a possibility I realised I wanted it even more than I thought I did. I spent the week fantasizing about wearing normal sized clothes, doing yoga without my stomach suffocating me and not being mistaken for a pregnant lady every week. Not to mention all the less savoury problems that comes with having an apron stomach, which even I am too embarrassed to detail!
I am frustrated at myself for so many reasons, but I am mostly disgusted that I caused so much damage to my body that I require such extensive surgery. I wish that I could just get over the excess skin problem like so many other people that have lost weight, but I can't seem to do that right now. The only thing I can do is cancel my private pity party and focus on the fact that I have lost 50 kilos and my life is immeasurably better already. Oh, and buy lottery tickets!!!