Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Fill Her Up

Yesterday morning I got a fill in my lap band and I now have 4 mls in a 10 ml band. The doctor told me to be careful with what I eat for the first 24 hours and to stay to mostly liquids, so I haven't been able to tell yet if I feel more restriction. The doctor thought I would probably need another 1 or 2 mls to have a good level of restriction, but we will go slowly and see how I feel. When she did the fill I honestly didn't feel a thing and was shocked when she told me it was finished. I have only had one fill before this and it was quite painful, so the fact that I didn't feel a thing was amazing.

Speaking of my doctor, I saw her for the first time yesterday and she is fabulous! I wasn't too keen on my lap band surgeon, he gave me absolutely no information and was not very helpful at all. He was also quite rude to me when I came in for a pre-op appointment and had gained weight and made me feel like a complete failure and threatened to not do the lap band unless I lost weight. Even on the day of surgery, I could see him preparing for the surgery while I was waiting on the trolley and he didn't even bother to come over and say hello or see how I was feeling. I guess not all great surgeons can have wonderful personalities, and as long as he did the surgery well (which he did), I am happy.

I am thrilled to have my new doctor for future follow up appointments, she is just so lovely and gave me so much information about what to expect when having a lap band, getting a fill and losing weight. I had actually considered cancelling my fill appointment yesterday because I knew I had gained weight since they last weighed me and I was scared they would tell me off again. I know that sounds ridiculous that I would consider cancelling an appointment that is going to help me lose weight, but I am a bit sensitive about these things. Anyway, she was absolutely fine and understood my situation and just wanted to help get me back on track. I feel so much better having her support and a lot of my worries about the lap band have been put to rest.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Home Sweet Home

I arrived home from the UK late Thursday night and I am already feeling much happier and more positive (and I haven't even been home 12 hours yet). I just feel so good to be home and back in my own space with my own stuff, and most importantly- clean clothes!

I got home about 10.00pm and it is now 6.30am and I haven't been able to sleep. I am still on UK time and completely confused. I have tried everything to get to sleep, from sleeping tablets, doing my taxes and watching that Denise Richards reality show, but I am still wide awake. It probably didn't help that I did some work emails about 3.00am and got all strung out and upset about a few matters. I swear to God I will never learn.

I am so excited to get back into cooking delicious meals with fresh and healthy ingrediants and most of all to get back to the gym. You might be wondering if I am being sarcastic, but I'm serious. I desperately missed having the time to myself at the gym and the buzz from an awesome workout. I also get a fill in my lapband on Monday, so I should hopefully have my first taste of restriction.

Things are looking up!

Monday, July 13, 2009


I am failing at this really badly.

I tried really hard for the first few days to exercise and eat right while I am in Oxford for work, but I just can't do it. My mind just keeps reeling from thinking about food. I am staying in a hotel that has a Krispy Kreme in it for god's sake.

I try to start the day well with a good breakfast and by 10.30am I am staring at the biscuits on the conference table and I literally can't think of anything else until I cave in and eat one. They aren't even nice biscuits, they're those crappy Arnotts creme assortment kind that I normally wouldn't bother eating. From that point it is all down hill.

I get lonely and anxious when I travel for work and guess what makes me feel better? Food. I know people say that food never helps, but it actually does. I really do feel comforted from eating chocolate from the mini bar. It is clear that it is unhealthy for me to travel for work because I have no control over my eating. I know I can put whatever food and drink I like on the company card and it is too much temptation for a food addict like me.

I have kind of given up on the idea of healthy eating while I am here. The torture I was going through at every meal when food was offered to me is just too much. I just want to eat so that I can stop thinking about food and move on. I honestly feel mentally exhausted from agonising over food. One minute I am trying to find ways to avoid food and the next minute I am binging. Either way, my weird food habits are becoming apparent to my colleagues.

I guess it will be better once I get some restriction put in my lap band, but currently I can eat anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. If anything it makes it clear that I made the right decision to get this lap band. I clearly need help.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Just Touched Down In London Town

Well I did about a week ago anyway.

Yes the flight was some kind of torture and I am already dreading the return flight home. I am really strange and I refuse to use the toilets on planes, not sure if it is because I am a germaphobe or because I am scared I won't fit. Probably both. So I didn't eat or drink for the whole trip so that I wouldn't have to use the bathroom. Yeah it was a 24 hour flight. Anyway, I am hyperventilating just thinking about the whole thing, so enough about that.

I spent the weekend in the London sunshine (suck on that Melbournians). I was completely out of whack on the time zones so I was getting up at 4.30am and strolling around London and I felt like I had the city to myself. I moved onto Oxford last Sunday, where I have just spent an entire week sitting through tedious powerpoint presentations on fascinating topics such as strategy and objectives. I am losing the will to live right now.

It has been really hard to be here because I had a particularly bad experience at work the week before I came to Oxford that left me very upset and anxious. My boss asked me on Monday to stay an extra week in Oxford (I am already going to be here for 3 weeks) and I said no because I felt like it was too last minute to change my plans and I also didn't want to stay away from home for that long. I am trying to put my health and sanity first and I really felt like this wouldn't be the best thing for me to do. It is the first time I have ever said no to anything at work and my boss didn't take it well...

Anyway, the whole situation has been really upsetting because a lot of things were said to me that I think were unfair and actually quite nasty. Then I had to get on a 24 hour flight and sit through tedious meetings, while working early mornings and evenings to keep up with my other work. I just wanted to hand in my notice and come home. This job just isn't worth it. My emotional and physical health have suffered immeasurably since I started this job, I gained 35 kilos, I nearly had a nervous breakdown, I lost a lot of hair and I developed a nervous twitch all from the stress. For my own health and sanity I need to leave.

I am going to the hotel bar now to put a lot of very expensive cocktails on the company…

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Monthly Weigh In

I had my official first day of the month weigh in this morning and I am now 113.5 kilos, having lost a total of 3.1 kilos for the month. This sounds ok, but given I lost 2 kilos in the first week of the month and I have been to the gym 5 days a week and only had one off plan meal for the whole month, I was a little disappointed. I set myself a goal to be 110 kilos by today and I really didn't get very close.

I have decided not to have numbers based goals anymore because it just leads to disappointment. My eating and exercise were pretty much 100% for the month, so I did everything possible to lose weight and I can't be disappointed at myself. I can't control the scales or how my body loses weight, so I won't be using that as a way to measure my success anymore. Instead, I will focus on whether or not I am exercising regularly and making good food choices. Not that I won't be checking in on the scales of course, I'm only human!

I probably set my goals a little too high last month, but it was mostly because I have to go to the UK for work tomorrow and I am terrified of the 24 hour flight. I am scared the seat belt will be too tight, that I am going to take up too much room and annoy my fellow passengers and that the tray table won't go down. As you can imagine, 24 hours is a long time to be in a tiny seat on an aeroplane for someone that weighs 113.5 kilos and when I think about it I start hyperventilating. Did I mention I am also afraid of flying and have claustrophobia? So this is pretty much my worst nightmare.

On top of this, I have to spend 3 weeks in the Oxford based office of my company and last time I was there I was at least 10 kilos lighter and of course I am paranoid everyone will notice. I don't know why I care if they notice I have gained weight, I don't even like them, but I still care. Can you tell that I really don't want to go on this trip?