It's Not Good News

Things don't look great for my mum and her lung cancer diagnosis. Her surgeon found that the cancer isn't treatable in surgery, but they can hope to extend her time by giving her chemo and radiotherapy. They estimate she has between 6 months to a year of life left. She is only 51 years old. So unfair.

It has taken me a while to write this, I tend to find denial works best for me, so having to say that was really hard. Anytime that I do think about it I feel a bit lightheaded and like I could pass out. So I guess that is why I am trying to ignore it for now.

Instead, I have completely thrown myself into getting my mum's new house comfortable for her. She didn't have much furniture so I went shopping and burned a hole in my credit card getting all new furniture to try and fill up the house. I also bought a new bed for me because I am getting too old and fat to sleep on the couch and I will be there quite a bit over the next little while. The most time and money was spent planting a front and back garden because it was basically a mud pit.

As you can see, I have a bad habit of trying fix problems by throwing money at them. It's especially bad because I don't have any money and I just get myself into all sorts of debt. I guess I just don't really care right now. I just want my mum to be happy and comfortable now she finally has a place to live. I am so thankful that I have been able to give her a home, it means the world to me that she can feel secure at a time like this.

I mostly wanted to write this post so I could thank those of you who left me lovely comments. I haven't really told anyone about my mum's illness yet, so your messages have been a great source of comfort to me. People can be so amazingly kind and I am so grateful for my blog friends.

Mum and I at my brother's wedding last year

Sad Sad Sad

I had some awful news on Friday that has left me shell shocked. I took my mum to a follow up appointment at the hospital for her pneumonia and we were told that she doesn't have pneumonia, she has lung cancer.

I am taking her back to this hospital tomorrow morning for surgery and we will hopefully know more then. The only thing the surgeon told us is that he believes it is 'advanced'. That word makes me feel sick to my stomach.

The thing about this is that I feel like I have brought this on somehow. When I started building mum a house to live in a year ago I started to get anxious that something bad was going to happen. My mum has had a very tough life and she hasn't had a stable home for the past 17 years. She has battled a lot of illnesses and all she has ever wanted is her own home where she can feel safe and comfortable. Where she can cook dinner for us kids and build a home we can all enjoy as a family. She moved in a month ago and now this happens. This just feels so unfair.

I don't know what else to say about this except I am devastated and when I think about it my eyes well with tears and I can't breathe. The thought of my mum going through this pain hurts me so much. I just can't believe this is happening.

My two sister-in-laws and me (green antlers) and mum (red antlers) at Christmas last year

Upper Body Lift Quote

About 2 months ago my body lift surgeon dropped the bombshell that I needed further surgery. So in addition to the (lower) body lift I had last November, I will need an upper body lift now too. I completely agree with him now I have seen my results, but I guess I was just not expecting to have to have more surgery and try and find more money...

You can see in my 'after' photo below that I have two big rolls of fat on my sides and that I also still have a lot of fat sitting above my bottom where you are supposed to curve in. Now if you look at the second photo below, my 'before' shot, you can see my surgeon did a great job to fix what he could, but it just requires further surgery.

After (lower) body lift)

Before (lower) body lift

It is not just my back and sides that require the upper body lift, it is also my torso. Unfortunately, it looks like I must have been cheeky when I took these pictures and cut off the photo below where it starts to show my upper torso overhang (I'll have to take another picture to show you). My tummy is perfectly flat, but the surgeon needs to do an incision from below my breasts so he can pull my upper torso tight to smoothen that out. Once again, looking at my before photos demonstrate my surgeon did a great job, but I had a lot of loose skin on my upper torso (the flab in my hands) which is unusual and due to me having particularly poor skin elasticity- yay me!

After (lower) body lift)

Before (lower) body lift

My surgeon emailed me the quote a couple of months ago and I glanced at it, realised that I couldn't afford it and filed it away so I didn't have to be disappointed about it. Well I still have no money, but I thought I would share the cost her on this blog in case anyone else is interested.

UPPER BODY SUSPENSION AND BREAST REDUCTION

Surgeon's Fee: $9,200
- Medicare/Insurance rebate: $1,523.65
Total Surgeon's Fee out of pocket expenses: $7,676.35

Hospital Fee: $1,183.60

Anaesthetic Fee: $3,000 (approx)
- Medicare/Insurance rebate: $1,500 (approx)
Total Anaesthetic Fee out of pocket expenses: $1,500 (approx)

Insurance Excess: $500

TOTAL: $10,859.95

So it is about $4,000 less than my (lower) body lift, which I believe was a more complex and extensive procedure. My surgeon also said he included a discount due to it being a second surgery.

Now, I also asked about the cost of having a thigh lift and arm lift... just to torment myself with more surgeries that I can't afford and this is the quote I received.

BRACHIOPLASTY AND THIGH REDUCTION

Surgeon's Fee: $8,175
- Medicare/Insurance rebate: $691.75
Total Suregon's Fee out of pocket expenses: $7,483.25

Hospital Fee: $1,183.60

Anaesthetic Fee: $3,000 (approx)
- Medicare/Insurance rebate: $1,500 (approx)
Total Anaesthetic Fee out of pocket expenses: $1,500 (approx)

Insurance Excess: $500

TOTAL: $10,666.85

Phew, that is a lot of money that I don't have unless I take yet another loan. At this stage my first priority is to just have the upper body lift done because I can live with my arms and thighs as they are now. I would like to have my upper body lift done before the end of the next financial year in Australia (June 30 2014) due to some tax rebate changes that have been proposed that will mean I can't claim my surgery on tax. So now I just need to get some money... I don't know how yet, but I know I will find a way.

4 Years banded

Today marks 4 years since I had lap band surgery.

After 4 years I can't say that I think much about it anymore. Well, I guess I do subconsciously think about it a lot throughout the day, but more in the way you might think about your commute to work. It's just a normal part of your day, you know you got there, but you can't really remember the details of it...

'that sandwich will never get through the band'
'better not get the beef because that will stick in the band'
'wait a minute for your next bite, the last bite is still sitting on top of your band' 

A lot of people ask me if I would recommend lap band surgery-- which is an impossible question for me to answer. What I have learnt over the past 4 years is that the lap band is a different experience for every single person. The success of it depends on a lot of factors and is not just about calories in / calories out or whether you are 'motivated' enough to eat healthy and go to the gym.

I am truly happy for the people that have the lap band inserted and are able to stop dieting, feel full, eat less, start to move more and lose weight. That is the ideal situation, the dream that was sold to many of us by our surgeons, but not the reality for everyone. So many of us that have got to the point of needing weight loss surgery have such complicated relationships with food and exercise that the little band of silicone they insert around the top of your stomach just isn't enough to deal with severe and long-term disordered eating issues.

Since having my lap band I have lost and kept off about 50 kilos. I can't tell you exactly how much because I don't weigh myself anymore, but the main point is that I lost a significant amount of weight and kept it off. So that must mean I am a success right? Well, maybe you could say I am a success on paper. In reality I still deal with a lot of the same disordered eating problems I had before I had the lap band. I would even say that some of my eating issues are worse due to how hard I pushed myself to lose weight with the lap band.

I was desperate when I had the lap band and I felt like it was my last chance to lose weight. I thought that if the lap band didn't work, nothing would work and I would be obese forever. The pressure I put on myself led me to engage in some extreme diet and exercise habits that just added to my already screwy weight loss mentality. Once I had the lap band I was determined to lose weight, no matter what...

Despite what might seem like some negative reflections on my 4 years with the lap band, I am happy that I got it, and I wouldn't want to be without it. I have lost weight, I am healthier, I am happier, I have better relationships with my loved ones, I am more confident and I am a stronger person. Most importantly, I am continuing to push myself to improve my health, my relationships with food and my body. It is a bloody hard path to take!

April 2009

March 2013

If you want to read more about my 4 years with the lap band start here.

Oops!... I Did It Again

Yes, I know Britney, I am frustrated with myself too...

Yet again, I am coming into winter with a jacket that is too small for me. I really did not intend for this to happen, this wasn't one of those motivational purchases to help me shed weight. When it started getting cold I spent hours shopping in the city trying to find a jacket that I liked, that fit me and that didn't cost $700. Unfortunately I was not successful so I turned to online shopping for help. I ended up finding two jackets that were on sale from Boohoo.com, the first one being only $54 and perfect for wearing to work and the second one only $30 and great for casual weekend wear. Awesome!

Well, not so awesome as it turns out. When I got my new purchases in the mail and tried them on I discovered that they did not fit me at all. Once again, I will be freezing my arse off until I can manage to slim down enough to squeeze into my jackets. I guess being tortured by freezing conditions is one way to motivate myself...

I just hope that I am just as successful as I was last year at getting into my winter jacket. Until then, I will need to buy thermals!

Rollercoaster

Arghhh. Ever since I went to Thailand at the start of March I have stuck my head in the sand and ignored my increasing weight. First I was on holidays, then it was Easter, then I had a new house to organise, so the last thing I had time to worry about was healthy eating and exercise. So I kept telling myself anyway...

 

 

 

 

I have finally emerged from my denial and realised that I have stacked on the weight and none of my clothes fit me and I feel terrible. In the past this realisation would mean that I would go on a diet and lose some weight and eventually start to feel good about my body. Then inevitably my mind would say 'wow, you're so hot now, you don't need to diet, you should eat 17,000 calories a day. Then I would just keep eating until I could take no more and I started hating myself again.

 

Up and down on the rollercoaster over and over and over again. It is so bloody exhausting.

 

I do think that I am very slowly learning from my mistakes. It was only 5 years ago that I was eating drive-thru food almost every night. I thought healthy eating was only chicken breast, broccoli and starvation. I thought exercise was 2 hours at the gym every day or it wasn't worth doing. I thought if I ate one jelly bean that I had to eat 4 packets of jelly beans.

Over the past 5 years I have gradually introduced a healthier lifestyle that involves being more active, eating foods that fuel my body and some sense of balance when it comes to eating 'good' and 'bad' foods. I am by no means perfect, or even close to it, but I do know what I have to work on.

What I do right

Eat a healthy and balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner
Ever since I got the lap band, savoury food has lost some of its appeal to me. I am happy to eat good healthy foods most of the time, it's just the sweets I have trouble with!

Drink 1-2 litres of water per day
This is easy for me, I drink lots of water at work, and if I don't, I get very thirsty.

Drink alcohol only once per week
I am not the type of person to have a glass of wine or two on a week night, instead I'll normally have one big night with friends or family and drink 2 3 bottles of wine on a Friday night. I know that is not any better, but I'll still count it as a plus!

Keep my lap band at a level that stops me binging on fast food
My band could be tighter, but it is tight enough that it stops me contemplating getting pizza or any other takeaway because it would just be too annoying to eat.

What needs work

Exercise 30 minutes per day
Yeah, this is a tough one. I get motivated some days, but it is never going to be easy. I am not sure if I will ever consistently do this (without being miserable).

Stick to my goals on weekends
I used to always allow myself one cheat meal on a weekend and could get right back on track after that. Lately, my treat meal has been turning into a treat weekend because there has been so much going on. I think I'll be able to get this working again, I just need to focus.

Keep my body functioning so that I can exercise
My stupid plantar fasciitis has made this extremely difficult. I have had two cortisone injections in my heel, but I need another one and I have ignored it because it scares me so much. I did get brave and try and book an appointment with my doctor earlier this week, but she is on holidays for 3 weeks, so I will do it when she gets back.

Don’t eat in the middle of the night
I have had pretty severe insomnia for the past 12 months and during that time I have started eating in the middle of the night. I would lay awake for hours and the only thing that would soothe me is food. I am trying really hard to break this habit, but when you are exhausted it is very difficult to remain strong. The insomnia is due to my anxiety/depression medication so I will make an appointment to see my doctor to see if I can chnge it because it can't continue.

Don’t use my emotions as an excuse to eat
Hmmm, I saved the worst until last. I don't have the answers for this one just yet. I'll just have to keep working on it.

6 Months Post Body Lift

Today is 6 months since the best day of my entire life-- my body lift surgery. It is, without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done for myself. While the physical benefits of the surgery have been immense, it is the mental benefits that I appreciate even more.

The two overwhelming emotions that I had about my excess skin was shame and fear. I was ashamed of my body and lived in constant fear that my 'secret' would be found out. I went to elaborate (and often painful and expensive) lengths to hide my skin. Now that is has been removed I just feel so free and like a massive weight has been lifted (pun intended!).

I don't have to constantly worry about my top coming up and exposing the bulge of skin tucked into my pants or if it is a windy day and my dress clings to my stomach and shows the outline of the hanging skin. I can get changed in a store change room without holding the door closed in case someone comes in and happily have spa treatments with my girlfriends without the stress of keeping my stomach hidden. I can dance and exercise without the skin flopping around and I can even feel sexy and beautiful on the odd occassion!

I just feel normal for the first time in my life and I am thankful for my surgery every single day.

Before

 

After

On holidays in Thailand in March

Acceptance

It doesn't seem to matter how much weight you lose, for some of us, that body hatred doesn't just go away. I can look at my before and after pictures and see that I have lost a massive amount of weight, yet some days, I still feel like it will never be enough.

Despite losing weight, unfortunately I am not going to magically love my body and let go of the 25+ years of self-loathing. I don't want to hate my body anymore and I wish I didn't hate it before I lost weight too.

I am finding that learning to love my body is something I have to actively work on every day. I am trying to do this by:

• Eating foods that make me feel energised, satisfied and happy
• Wearing clothes that make me feel confident and attractive
• Not weighing myself
• Exercising to make my body feel stronger and not depleting it of all energy and strength
• Accepting my body for the way it looks today and not how it could look in the future

Sometimes ice cream helps too...


source

Post-Op Swelling

Last Friday night I spent my first night in the new house I have recently built. I won't actually be moving in there (my mum is) but I needed to spend the weekend there to deal with all the tradies that were coming by to do the driveway, light installations, deliveries and curtain measurements. I don't actually have any furniture in the house yet, but I thought I would be fine to sleep on the floor. What a mistake...

I should have remembered that I am still sore and swollen from body lift surgery and that I selected the cheapest carpet option for the house, so I was essentially sleeping on a concrete slab. Not only have I been in a world of pain since then, I have been super swollen. You should see the marks my knickers are leaving on me from digging into my swollen hips and back.

My 'bed' on the floor

 

Anyway, this new swelling reminded me to post some of my attempts at reducing my swelling after I first had my body lift surgery.

The first thing I tried was a 3 day juice cleanse. I had read that increasing fluids and fruits and vegetables could help the process and I figured it might also help shift a bit of post-Christmas weight too. There was one particular juice cleanse that I had seen positively reviewed on a few Australian blogs last year so I thought I would give it a try-- even though it was very expensive.

Oh my god, big lesson learnt, do not always trust reviews from people who are paid to give them. Not only were the juices revolting, but I was S-T-A-R-V-I-N-G! This is coming from someone who has survived 8 weeks on optifast shakes.

I only lasted through to dinner time on the first day and then I gave up and the rest of the juices went in the bin. Not only were the juices a big waste of money, they also screwed me around big time. I had to leave work at 3.00 pm for my scheduled delivery time of 4.00 - 6.00 pm. After numerous phonecalls the juices were finally delivered at 11.45 pm. So I had to leave work early for no reason, wait around the house almost 6 hours and then stay up till late (on a work night) to get these stupid things. Not a great experience!

This was the first one I tried, cos lettuce and avocado, or something disgusting like that!

I had much higher hopes for my next attempt at reducing my swelling because it all sounded very scientific. I purchased one of those Groupon like email deals that go around for lymphatic activation that promised the following:

 

Your first hour-long session, combined with a second 45-minute treatment, will activate your lymphatic system (a small network of vessels and nodes) to stimulate circulation, detoxify the body and release fluid. Using three revolutionary machines, the treatments assist with weight loss, provide pain and stress relief and ensure you get a fantastic night's sleep.

 

I like to think of myself as open minded, but this treatment seemed to be a lot of hocus pocus. First the guy gave me a presentation on how jumping on a special little trampoline every day can cure cancer and actually cured a baby who was brain dead. Funnily enough, I could buy one from him for hundreds of dollars...

 

Next up he measured my energy on what I can only describe as a lightsaber, that he was then able to tell me how he could sell me supplements to help me with whatever was wrong with my energy (I can't remember what he said was wrong with me anymore).

 



Me with the 'lightsaber'



Finally, I was put inside a SOQI bed for half an hour that was supposed to assist with lymphatic activation. It was actually quite relaxing laying on the bed under the heat lamps with my legs being vibrated. I have doubts that it did anything for me because I didn't feel any different, but maybe if I took all those supplements, jumped on the little trampoline, and purchased the 10 week course of treatments that the guy recommended it would work... or maybe not.

 

The SOQI bed

In the end, I think the only thing that really works for swelling after surgery seems to be wearing the compression garments, resting and eating a healthy diet. Oh and not doing anything stupid like sleeping on a cement slab!

A Much Needed Fill

I hadn't had my lap band properly filled back up since I had fluid removed for my body lift surgery. It was so much fun eating normal foods and being able to eat with friends and family without the fear of getting food stuck in the band. Alas, I have stacked on the weight big time!

I was going to go into all the individual reasons why I have gained weight, but it's basically because I have an eating disorder and I will eat and eat and eat until I am physically sick. It's such a horrible disorder to have-- the panic over making sure you will have enough food, the sneaking around so people don't see how much you are eating and then the self-hatred afterwards. So I am hoping that adding some fluid to my band will help me.

I went to a local GP who does fills for free, rather than my band clinic which is too annoying to get to, and had 0.3 mls added. This give me 5.8 mls in a 10 ml lap band. One scary thing to note is that the doctor really struggled to find my port to give me the fill. My body lift surgery has caused all the scars from the lap band surgery to move, which makes it difficult for doctors to know where my port is located. He thought my bottom rib was the port, but luckily I spoke up (for once) and said that it didn't feel right. Phew!

I can feel the difference the fill has made, but I am still one hungry little hippo. So now I am contemplating going back for more fluid next week. Which will put me in an awkward place where my band is too tight for regular healthy foods and make eating normally in restaurants with friends difficult... but will hopefully help somewhat with the hunger.

I feel almost scared by how much I want to eat, but I hate the limitations it puts on eating lean meats and vegetables when it is tight. I don't have the answers*. I guess I just need to choose the lesser of two evils...

* When I wrote that I got the Mad About You theme song stuck in my head.