Melting

This little heat wave we are having in Melbourne has made something really clear-- I need more friends with air conditioning!

Stupidly, I spent the afternoon in my sauna (lounge room) tackling a mountain of ironing I have been putting off for a month. I think I sweated off a least a kilo. It had to be done though, some of the clothing combinations I was putting together last week were questionable at best.

Lucky for me, I am jetting off to New Zealand tomorrow, where the top temperature all week looks to be 17 degrees. Thank christ, I am not ready for this heat before we even hit summer. I'll be back Friday night and it looks like it will still be hot all next weekend too, but a short reprieve will be nice.

I know most people feel more motivated to eat better and exercise during summer, but I seem to be the opposite. I had planned to go to the gym today, but I felt too drained (ok, and maybe slightly hung over) to be bothered. I am also really struggling with the urge to order pizza for dinner because I just couldn't be bothered cooking. I still feel like eating though...

It looks like it is going to be another long hot summer so I am going to have to learn to deal with the heat and stop being a sook. Hopefully as the kilos come off, it'll keep getting easier.

Life's Sweet

Things have been good with me lately. I feel weirdly happy for no reason and that happy feeling just won't go away.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my body and mind. I don't feel scared of life anymore and I suddenly feel like I have a lot to look forward to again.

I look forward to every part of my life right now... even the mundane...

~ talking with friends & family
~ busting a move at the gym
~ soaking up the sun on my lunch break
~ work (seriously)
~ reading blogs in bed
~ watching my favourite TV shows
~ cooking delicious food
~ walks around the lake
~ grooving to my ipod
~ eating juicy summer fruits

Everything seems sweeter when you feel good about yourself.

OK, so I will never be the kind of person who is chirpy and positive about everything. A healthy amount of cynicism and sarcasm can be good-- otherwise no one would want to be around me! But I have to say, this is the best I have felt in years.

November Weigh In

Well my 1st of November weigh in went a lot better than I was expecting and I think it has a little to do with all the alcohol I have consumed over the past 3 days that has left me a little dehydrated. Hey, whatever works in getting those numbers on the scale down... ;-)

November 1st Weigh In: 101.5 kilos (223 lbs)
Weight Lost In October: 4 kilos (8.8 lbs)
Total Weight Lost: 28.2 kilos (62 lbs)

I am close to reaching two major milestones, getting under 100 kilos and losing 30 kilos. This is the time that I often drop the ball and get comfortable so I need to be extra focused over the coming months. Now will be the time when I'll see if getting the lap band will not only help me to keep this weight off, but also continue to lose more weight.

I am really nervous about the month ahead though because I have a lot of travel for work (Auckland, Sydney, Perth, Canberra) and a lot of work lunches and dinners. I think I could comfortably maintain if I make sensible choices and try and fit in exercise at the hotel gym, but I don't want to just maintain, I want to blast my way under 100 kilos before summer. So this is going to take some supreme effort, but I know I can do it.

OK, I am going to get to the gym before it closes and get a head start on my December weigh in!

Update For No Reason

Now that I have found I can blog at work again, I thought I'd take advantage and talk some more crap.

~~~~~~~~~~

I found my camera. I bet you didn't know (or care) that I lost my camera back at the start of May when I took my brother and his girlfriend to the airport. I never lose stuff, so I was quite perplexed, but I found it in the back pocket of the car seat last week. So this means I will have lots of photos to post again. It is funny that I lost my camera when I was at my biggest weight (when I wouldn't dream of having a photo taken of me) and then I found it when I am feeling better about myself. If I was religious at all I would say something about god giving us what we need, but I'll just put it down to a happy coincidence.

~~~~~~~~~~

So everyone wanted to know if The Time Traveller's Wife was a good movie and I can say that I do recommend it. I have read the book, but it was so long ago that I can't quite recall how close it keeps to the story line. I will say that AJ was almost sobbing by the end of the film, so take your tissues! Honestly, I can't take him anywhere...
Over the last week I also saw Julie & Julia and Couples Retreat and I enjoyed both, but I always like the movies I see at the cinema because it is such a fun experience.

~~~~~~~~~~

I have my end of the month weigh in happening this weekend and I am not feeling good about it. I just have a feeling that it hasn't happened for me this month and there have been far too many meals out (mostly small portions) and not enough exercise. I also have lunch out today and tomorrow for work and dinner out Saturday night. The good thing is that it doesn't bother me too much. In the past I would have tried to cancel any social events that interfere with the scales, but I feel confident that I will get the end result in the long run and I can have some fun along the way.

~~~~~~~~~~

Do you have a favourite pump up song? I have noticed that every time I am at the gym and feeling slightly flat or like I can't be bothered, when I put on Stronger by Kanye West it just lifts me. I cycle twice as fast or I can lift twice as much and I feel amazing. We all know Kanye is a dick, but he makes some good work out music.

A Few Things

Well I just discovered I could blog again from work, so why the hell not?! So here are a few things...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The exercise challenge is going well, but it has already been harder than I thought it would be. The first day was Sunday and I spent the whole day cleaning the house, doing washing, moving furniture around, grocery shopping and cleaning AJ's car (don't be jealous of my glamorous lifestyle). So by the end of the day I was rooted and couldn't be bothered exercising. At about 8.30pm I dragged my arse off the couch, because there was nothing on telly anyway, and went for a 35 minute walk around the neighbourhood. It was so boring, my neighbourhood is not the most interesting or pretty place to walk around. I am starting to regret that I sold my treadmill last month on ebay...

Then Monday I was busy all day and knew I wouldn't be able to get to the gym, so I got out of bed extra early and went for a walk around Albert Park Lake before work. I can now officially say that I am not a morning person. Getting up early and going to work is one thing, but being active is a whole different kettle of fish. My body is still sore because it wasn't warmed up and it was just too much activity, too early in the morning for this old thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I went to see The Time Traveller's Wife at the movies because I won tickets to a special advanced charity screening. I am a competition fiend and this was the first time I have actually won anything. Unfortunately I proceeded to eat my weight in popcorn and rocky road chocolate and I still feel bloated today. I am not going to the movies again until I can control my eating at them just a little bit. I also saw one of the couples from Beauty & the Geek there and they looked very much a couple! Never in my life have I seen a shorter skirt and higher heels...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My good friend had her first little bubby last week and I went to visit her at the hospital in Geelong when she was less than 24 hours old. She really was gorgeous, but the real point of posting this photo-- I don't look hideous. It's nice to be able to see a photo from a special event like this and not feel like I want to rip it to shreds.

Exercise Challenge

For a few months after I joined the gym in June this year I was doing great with exercise. I was going to the gym 5-6 times a week and I never ever considered not going, it had become a habit. Unfortunately it didn't last long. Some time away while I travelled for work and a back injury has kept me away from the gym and even though I am feeling heaps better now, I haven't got my gym mojo back.

This has been reflected on the scales and my weight hasn't really been budging much without the exercise. Being a bit slack with exercise has had a knock on effect with my eating as well and I have started to add in a few un-necessary treats. I am taking the bull by the horns and I am committing to exercising every day for the next 7 days. I will finish the month of October 2009 with a bang and hopefully get the scales to budge before my November weigh in.

I decided I need to blog this goal right away, otherwise I will wake up late on Sunday morning and decide to start Monday, then Tuesday and then I'll just push the thought right out of my mind altogether. I don't normally feel the need to exercise every day and I normally hate feeling I must do something, but I thought this might almost be a fun challenge. Almost...

Hello Sunshine

I had to fly up to Brisbane for lunch with a client on Wednesday and coincidentally, AJ had to come to Brisbane the same day for his work. So I decided to hang around in sunny Brisbane for a couple of days after my meeting and have a little break while he was here working.

First thing first, my lunch meeting. I can't tell you how nervous I was about this meeting because I was so scared I was going to get something stuck in my band and I couldn't exactly just leave the table for 20 minutes while I tried to get it out. I was more nervous because my meeting was happening as soon as I got off the plane and I have heard that flying can tighten the band. Everything went ok and I had nothing get stuck in my band. I ordered the salmon (which I always order) and I just ate ridiculously slow. So slow, in fact, that I was only a quarter through my meal when the meeting was finished and it was awkward when my client offered to hang around while I finished my meal!

So with work out of the way I have been having a very decadent few days. I took all your advice from my last post and went shopping! I know a lot of people losing weight give themselves rewards as they lose weight, but I haven't done anything so far. Money has been tight lately and I really couldn't justify splurging just to celebrate a bit of weight loss. I threw caution to the wind this week and gave my credit cards a work out.

It started with a chaffing incident that made me realise that I was going to have to do a bit of shopping because the skirts and dresses I had brought with me to wear were not going to work out with my red raw thighs. It has been so long since I have been shopping that I actually had no idea what size I was, so I had to take 3 different sizes of everything into the change rooms with me. Of course I was a different size in almost everything I tried on, so I am none the wiser...

In the end I bought a couple of cute tops that were on sale for $30 each because I just wasn't willing to spend $90 - $180 each on the other clothes I tried on, even though there was some lovely stuff around with spring racing carnival and party season upon us. To solve my chaffing problem cheaply, I purchased some bike shorts from target for $12. Oh yeah, I am one classy chick. I figured I will probably need them if I want to wear dresses comfortably as summer hits Melbourne over the next few weeks. Let's hope this is the last summer of chaffing!!!

After I had done my shopping yesterday, on a whim, I decided to see if a hair salon in the mall had a walk in appointment available for me to get a cut and colour (after seeing how bad my hair looked in those 3-way mirrors in Myer). My hairdresser also gave me some gorgeous wispy curls as he styled it at the end and I felt a million bucks. Then I found a nail salon to get a spa pedicure, which was the best pedicure I have ever had in my life, I think I am going to become addicted to pedicures this summer. After all that pampering I went back to my hotel room and put on my new top, some new $5 earrings from Diva and some make-up and I was ready to meet AJ for a lovely Turkish feast and bottle of wine on Southbank for dinner.

Now I am going to check out of the hotel, get some lunch and go and see a movie before I head to the airport to meet AJ for our flight home this evening. It has been a lovely couple of days and just what I needed to revitalise after being unwell and super busy at work over the past few weeks. I don't expect to see any damage to the scales because I have been awesome with my eating and walking everywhere, fingers crossed I am right!

What Am I Afraid Of?

I have been on many a diet in my life and one of the most motivating part of losing weight is when your old 'too-tight' clothes start fitting again. I would be on a diet for less than a week before I started trying on my skinny jeans, just to see if they are getting closer to fitting. Most Saturday mornings I would pick out my favourite skinny clothes and debate in front of the full length mirror whether or not I could get away with it yet. I would do this for hours and have a lot of fun doing it because, for me, clothes are very motivating.

So why is it this time I have an aversion to trying on any of my skinny clothes? I have lost 25 kilos and I am still wearing the same clothes I wore at my biggest. I am very lucky that Couch Potato generously sent me her old 22's and 24's as she has shrunk, so I have plenty of clothes, but even I have to admit that they are starting to get too big for me now.

I have lots of gorgeous clothes in size 20 that I am really looking forward to wearing again and I suspect that many of these will fit me now, but for some reason I don't want to wear them. I feel almost scared to take that step into smaller sizes. I don't even want to try them on and I am not quite sure what I am afraid of.

Even as the numbers on scales have dropped, I have been a downer and not celebrated my losses, because I don't want to get ahead of myself. I am not sure if because deep down I feel that this lap band is my last chance at weight loss and I am scared to get excited about losing weight because I am scared I am going to fail again.

Sticky Situation

I have been dreading the first time I would get something stuck in my band while in the presence of other people. I have been really careful up until now with the kind of foods I will eat in company because I am petrified of getting stuck in front of someone else. For instance, I was having drinks at a friends house on Friday night and she kept offering to order pizza or chinese for dinner and I refused because I knew that there would be a good chance of getting that sort of food stuck-- especially when I am drinking and not being quite as careful as normal.

Then yesterday AJ and I went to Daylesford to meet my dad and step mum because they had a holiday house there for the weekend. We spent hours in their outdoor hot tub in the steaming hot water while it was icy cold outside. Then we got dressed up to the nines and went to the Lakehouse for dinner. I have been wanting to go to the Lakehouse for years and it was just as spectacular as I thought it would be, just one little problem, I got my dinner stuck.

Normally, if I am careful, I can eat anything. I started with some bread, then had a delicious entree of scallops, sashimi, kingfish and tempura oysters. It was the main of blue eye fillet and wagyu cheek that got stuck somewhere. I had to excuse myself 4 times in a 20 minute period to try and bring it back up. I couldn't eat my dinner and in the end I ate less then 1/10 of the meal. I could see the whole thing made everyone feel awkward and I felt mortified by creating the disturbance and the fact I wasted a VERY expensive dinner.

I did eventually get whatever was stuck out and I could have cried with relief. I was able to continue on and eat a delicious tasting plate for dessert that included vanilla bean creme brulee, gingerbread ice cream, espresso granita, chocolate fondant, mandarin pannacotta (and more that I can't remember). The petite fours were equally delectable with salty chocolate fudge, chili chocolate nuts, home made marshmallow and caramel popcorn-- all of which I can eat with ease thank god. I love dessert!

I know I should be grateful that this band has helped me lose over 25 kilos and enabled me to spend the afternoon in the hot tub without feeling totally self conscious and slip on a lovely black dress for dinner, all of which would have caused me to panic previously. But I hate the fact that it can cause embarrassing situations and ruin what otherwise would have been a lovely night. Now I have to fly to Brisbane next week for lunch with a client and I am petrified that something like this will happen again.

I definitely think I don't want too much restriction in my band. I am happy to have just enough to stop me from binging all the time, but while I work in a job where I eat with clients regularly, I am going to keep the band loose enough to eat normal food comfortably. I know that means I am going to have to exercise a lot willpower and self-control, but that is my choice for now.

Sweet Tooth

I have never had a huge sweet tooth. My downfall has always been savoury- pizza, burgers, chips, any take away really. I can still eat all these things with my lap band, but I have to eat them so slowly that I don’t get the same enjoyment that I used to get from them. I knew this would be the case before I got the lap band and I was looking forward to it because I value my health much more than a bowl of hot chips!

What has surprised me is just how much my tastes have changed and I have started to crave sweet foods- chocolate, ice cream, biscuits. I could eat them all day and still not feel satisfied, but luckily I haven’t been! The closest I came was one night when I bought a block of marble chocolate and I ate half the block in less than 5 minutes and I only stopped because I was meant to be sharing it with AJ. At a work lunch the other day, I asked (half seriously) if it would be weird if I ordered a dessert instead of a main...

I did know that a lot of lap banders struggle with eating junk food like this after having the surgery because it is easy to eat and slips right through the band. For me, I enjoy the ability to eat mindlessly, and I can only do this with foods like chocolate and popcorn. As everyone says, having the band doesn’t solve the emotional issues, I still want to eat for comfort. This has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced with the band over the past month and it is something I am going to have to keep working on. Right now I am stocking up on chuppa chups, low fat pudding and low fat popcorn and doing my best!

I got chills, they're multiplyin'

I haven't been feeling the best over the last week. My back has been sore for a while now and then on Friday, right before a Very Important Meeting, I was cleaning the conference table at work and put my back out completely. Then I had to sit through the 8 hour meeting and pretend nothing was wrong. Though I might have looked weird when I was constantly asking my colleagues to pass things to me or plug things in for me or when I had to ask someone to pick up my handbag for me at lunch...

I thought that was bad enough, then one of my wisdom teeth got infected on Saturday. This happens quite regularly because I need all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out, but it is going to be $2000 out of pocket to get this done, and I just don't have that kind of money right now. So this time it got so badly infected that I got sick, chills, fevers, nausea, dizziness and shaking for the past 3 days. I got some antibiotics from an incredibly unhelpful doctor who wanted to give me antidepressants, even though I had no symptoms of depression...

I am just starting to feel slightly better today, but I have taken the day off since I was up all night dripping in sweat. I'll definitely go back to work tomorrow, mostly because I have a midday appointment with my lap band doctor, which is right by work. I am dying to get some more restriction in my band because I am still able to eat far too much, I really can't remember the last time I felt full. These small portions are killing me!!!

Come On!

Woo hoo, someone noticed my weight loss today!

For the first time since I started this whole weight loss thing in April, someone (who doesn't know I have had the lap band) asked me if I had lost weight. Of course my mum and dad have both said I am looking slimmer and you lovely bloggers have given me some awesome compliments too, but you all know I had the lap band and that I am losing weight. So I was blown away when the only guy in my office told me that he thought I had lost weight. Who says guys are un-observant!

I was actually starting to wonder if I was dreaming that I had lost almost 25 kilos because I am still wearing most of the same clothes and no one has commented on my weight loss. I know the next 5-10 kilos I lose will make a real difference now I have lost some of my bulk. I have to keep working hard because my motivation and focus are really slowing down and I am letting a few bad habits creep back in.

I just have to keep my eye on the prize-- getting under 100 kilos by summer.

Footy Grand Final

I may have mentioned one or two times that I am a big Geelong supporter and have been thrilled that they have made the grand final the last three years and I have celebrated and commiserated over the past couple of years. This year both my brothers are in Canada, so I went home to the country to my dad's house to watch the game with my family there. I was actually meant to catch a flight to Cairns that day, but as soon as Geelong beat Collingwood in the finals, I was on the phone to Qantas to change my flights!

I was so nervous during the game that the drinks went straight to my head and I made a bit of a cock of myself. Let's just say there a few extended family members I will be avoiding this Christmas. AJ even got some photos of my dad holding my hair back while I vomited... they were immediately deleted. But who cares, I had fun and Geelong won, so it was an awesome day!

My dad lives 3 hours away and my flight to Cairns was re-scheduled for 9.30 am the next day, so AJ volunteered to drive me to my dad's and back home again that day. He is so lovely and knew how much I wanted watch the game with my family (who are huge Cats fans) and that I would need some drinks to calm my nerves. I think I was still drunk on the flight to Cairns the next morning, but was well and truly hung over by the time I got there and had to move heavy boxes at a conference. It was fair to say I wanted to die and I was treated to a lovely 2 day hang over.

But who cares, because we won!



Me with the Cats flag outside my dad's house


The boys playing footy at half time


AJ and his lucky footy


Celebrating the win


I got so excited after we won that I tried to put on my brothers old footy jumper, um no, didn't fit...


Me and my dad. Dad was putting wood on the bonfire, not just waving wood for no reason.

October Weigh In

I am a day late with my monthly weigh in because I didn't get home from Cairns until last night. I am really happy with the results this month, especially given that I have been away all week.

October Weigh In: 105.5 kilos
Weight Lost In September: 4.1 kilos
Total Weight Lost: 24.2 kilos

It was a tough week. I am (mostly) fine when I am at home and have my routine, but when I travel for work I fall apart and go back to binge eating. I have been in my job for almost 2 years and every trip I have ever gone on for work has been a disaster in terms of controlling my eating. I pack my gym clothes and runners on every trip (which takes up a lot of room) and I could count on one hand the amount of times I have used them.

As soon as I got to Cairns, I knew I wasn't going to be able to be as careful with my eating as I am at home. I could have gone to the supermarket and stocked up on fruit and healthy food to eat, but when I am surrounded by lovely restaurants and my work is paying, well I am going to take advantage! One of my (many) problems is that I just love food and eating out is probably my favourite hobby. The good thing about having the lap band is that I was able to enjoy some really nice food, but I just kept my portions small and I didn't feel deprived.

I made a few rules for myself, I wanted to stick to 2 meals a day (lunch and dinner) with no snacking and I wanted to exercise every day. I packed my gym clothes (as usual) and didn't use them (as usual), but I did get some use out of my bathers. I went swimming every day for between half an hour and 45 minutes, so I am hoping I burnt a few hundred calories doing that.

Sticking to my eating rules was a bit harder... I was at a conference all week and they wheel out cakes, pastries, slices, biscuits and scones at every morning and afternoon tea break. It was so hard to resist, but I knew that I was saving thousands of calories and I could indulge at dinner time with some good food and wine without guilt if I stayed away from the snacks.

On one day I even bought a giant blueberry muffin from a cafe and then half an hour later I threw it in the bin without so much as taking a bite. Later that night while I was watching TV I got up and got some tim tams out of the mini bar, held them, and then put them back. Then at the airport yesterday, I bought not 1, not 2, but 3 chocolate bars, then realised it was a mistake and threw them away. OK, I wasn't always that good, there was the night when after going out for dinner I felt unsatisfied and went back to my room and ordered a cheese platter and a slice of cheesecake...

I have to say that I am pretty happy with how I did on this trip, but I have room to improve on my next one. I have a lot of travel over the next 2 months and if I want to stay on track to meet my goals for the year, then I need to keep improving.

Smell The Roses

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognise how good things really are.

~ Marianne Williamson ~


saturday

a road trip back home to the country
my mum's home made chocolate chip cookies
talking with my brothers in canada
geelong winning the grand final
a bonfire with family & friends
champagne
late night maccas

sunday

getting upgraded to business class for my flight
arriving in sunny cairns from cold melbourne
catching up with old colleagues at a conference
swimming in the pool of my 5 star resort
room service fish & chips
snuggling in my king size bed with a movie

monday

getting an unexpected pay rise and promotion at work
reading in the sun
delicious dinner and wine by the water
a stroll along the marina
live music by the delightful emma louise
vodka, cranberry & lime
a balmy spring evening
caramel mudcake ice cream cone


What a wonderful life! I only wished I realized it sooner!

~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette ~

Lap Band- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (& The Awesome)

THE GOOD
- I no longer binge eat
- I am less dependent on food
- I now choose quality foods over quantity
- Feeling full after eating a quarter of what I used to
- Wanting to chow down on a big burger but not being able to

THE BAD
- The length of time before I had any restriction (will power is not my strong suit)
- Realising this is harder than I thought it was going to be
- Being worried I am going to get food stuck in public
- Hiding the surgery from most friends/family/colleagues
- Wanting to chow down on a big burger but not being able to

THE UGLY
- Getting food stuck in the band (scary)
- Gas shoulder pain after surgery
- Pre and Post surgery diet
- Constipation
- Hair loss

THE AWESOME
- I have lost over 20 kilos!!!

Home Alone

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that my mum moved in with me last Decemeber. Yep, that's right, I'm 28 years old and my mum moved in with me. She is quite a character, definitely not your average mum, and our personalities clash a little bit. Not only that, but she doesn't work, so she was home ALL THE TIME.

Anyway, it was a sometimes challenging situation, but I am glad I could help her out when she needed somewhere to stay. The thing that kept me sane was remembering what a friend of a friend said when we were discussing the fact my mum was about to move in with me. She wasn't aware that my mum has bipolar and can't work and said "why on earth would your mum want to move in with you, wouldn't she want to have her own place and some security at her age?". It made me realise that this was much harder for my mum than it is for me.

So she has got a new place with a friend in Shepparton and on the weekend AJ and I packed her stuff into a truck and took it to her new place. I thought I would be happy to have my house back, but I kind of feel like my kid has moved away to go to college. I am all worried and nervous for her that she is on her own again and my house feels very lonely without her here.

Looking on the bright side, I am enjoying being able to walk around naked at home again!

Progress Pictures

Well, it was about time I took some more snaps to see if I am making much head way in this battle of the bulge.

To protect your eyes I have kept the photos small, double click on the image below for a bigger view, if you dare... Apologies in advance.



Left: Tuesday 14th April, 129.7 kilos
Right: Thursday 17th September, 107.1 kilos

Wow, I can't believe how horrible I look in those photos. How did I let myself get like that? It really goes to show how far I still have to go too. Here's to getting rid of the next 20 kilos and never going back!

Oh, and I promise next time I post some pictures I'll put on a little make-up and do my hair, I'm not doing myself any favours with that look.

Working 9 To 5

You know that feeling of dread that comes over you about 5.00 pm on a Sunday when you realise the weekend is over and you have another week at a soul sucking job? Well that feeling has been creeping up earlier and earlier lately, seemingly in direct relation to how much I don't want to go to work. A few weeks ago I woke up on Saturday morning and felt instantly depressed that it was 8.00 am and I hadn't done anything exciting with my weekend yet and that it was practically over and the count down to the next weekend would begin. A little extreme perhaps?!

I knew I hated my job the first day I started and one clue to this is that I started buying lotto tickets for the first time in my life. I know I'll probably never win, but I just need the hope. I was talking with friends the other day about how much money you would have to win before you would quit your job. Most people said 1 or 2 million dollars, I said $5000 and I would be out the door.

The thing is, it isn't just this particular job I hate, I just don't like working 9-5. I find it majorly depressing that I spend at the very least 8 hours a day at work, 2 hours a day travelling to and from work and an hour getting ready for work. Why does my life revolve around something I don't care about? Why do I put all my energy and creativity into a job that doesn't give a shit about me? Why do I sit in traffic for 2 hours a day like a fucking idiot? Why do I work just to pay bills? Why do I have to get up when I still want to sleep? Why do I have to take crap from rude clients and moronic colleagues?

I am not sure I want to participate in this cycle that everyone seems to think we have to do. Go to uni, get a job, buy a house, live happily ever after. It is making me feel claustrophobic.

I need more.

When did I start going to bed at 10.00 pm? When did I stop going to protest rallies? When did I start using wanky phrases like 'moving forwards'? When did I start voting Labour? When did I wake up and realise I had nothing in my life except work? I know this is probably just a quarter life crisis, which just makes me even more average.

I still want to be rich and famous!

The Band So Far

I did a lot of reading and thinking about getting the lap band before before I went ahead with it. I thought I knew everything there was to know and what to expect, but it has still surprised me.

I don't really have the restriction I thought I would get from the band. I do follow my doc's instructions and eat only 2 small meals a day, but it doesn't keep me as satisfied as I thought it would. I don't ever get half way through dinner and then stop because I am so full. I guess I must still need more restriction put in the band, but at the same time, I don't want it to get too tight so that I have trouble swallowing certain foods. My biggest nightmare is that I would have to run out on a work lunch because I got some chicken caught in my band, so I am happy to take it slow.

The biggest way I can say that the lap band has helped me is that it has stopped my binge eating. I can still eat more than I should, but I generally don't because it is just too difficult. As soon as I think about ordering a pizza or buying a burger, I know there is no point because I'll have to take very small bites and eat it very slowly. It kind of takes the joy out of biting into a big juicy burger with the lot.

I can't lie and pretend that it doesn't make me sad that I can't kick back with a DVD while I mindlessly shove an Aussie pizza down my throat. I know it sounds gross, but I enjoy having the occasional pig out at home alone in my pj's. I could still eat an Aussie pizza, but it would take so long to eat that I just couldn't be bothered. I know it is probably for the best, but I do mourn my greasy food binges.

So while for the majority of the time I still have to watch every calorie I eat, use good old fashioned willpower and work my arse off at the gym, when it come to binging, the lap band has been my saviour.

More Humiliation

Yesterday I thought I would get up early and go for a walk around Albert Park Lake and then head to the South Melbourne Market to stock up on fruit and veg for the week. What better way to start the weekend? I was walking for less than 5 minutes when I tripped on a tree root and went flying onto the ground with all my weight landing on my sore knee. *pause for laughter*

I brushed myself off and kept walking as though nothing had happened (trying to be cool), but the next 10 minutes were a blur of self-hating thoughts. I cursed myself for thinking I could be the kind of person who can join all those fit and gorgeous people jogging around the lake. I was wondering what right a 110 kilo fatty like me had to be there with these skinny girls jogging in lycra tops and shorty shorts. I didn't feel any pain in my knee at all because I just felt like such a big fat oaf.

In the hour it took me to walk the 4.8 km around the lake I got my shit together and stopped feeling sorry for myself. Everyone looks silly when they fall over and who doesn't love a good fall? It's hilarious! Clearly I need to stop taking my fat so seriously and learn to laugh at myself more. I'll probably be giggling for the next week over this one!

Spring Fever

Is there anything more invigorating then when after a long and cold winter, the sun starts shining again? I don't really like the heat, but even I feel inspired by the onset of Spring. I'll probably want to shoot myself by January when the inevitable heat wave sets in, but right now it is lovely.

Today I went for a walk outside during my lunch break, not for exercise, but for the pure pleasure of getting fresh air and sunshine. I'm not sure if I have ever done that before. It felt weird to do something that involves exercise for enjoyment and because I genuinely want to, not feel I should.

Who knows, maybe I would like summer a whole heap more if I wasn't so fat. If I wasn't dealing with the chaffing and I could wear cute summer dresses. Maybe it wouldn't be all that bad?

Do you know that I have never had a 'skinny' summer? By skinny, I mean that I was under 100 kilos. All my best weight loss attempts seem to happen in winter and then I crash and burn in the summer. This year I want things to be different, I need things to be different. So I am going to be under 100 kilos by summer and I am going to stay under 100 kilos for the entire duration of summer. This means I can't starve myself to get there and then binge eat once I meet my goal. Been there, done that before!

***Mark my words, by December 1st I will be under 100 kilos***
That gives me about 3 months to lose 10 kilos- completely doable.

September Weigh In

I had my monthly weigh in this morning and I am now 109.8 kilos, which means I lost 4.7 kilos last month. Sounds good when you put it like that, so why was I disappointed?

I haven't been weighing myself at home, but when I see my doctor at the clinic they always weigh me, so I had an inkling of how things were going. Two weeks ago I was weighed at the clinic and I was actually 200 grams less than this morning- and the scales at the clinic weigh heavier than mine and I had a full stomach. So I was kind of hoping for a good number this morning and wasn't expecting to gain since that weigh in at the clinic.

I know there are about a million reasons for a gain, maybe it was because I have been working out so much, maybe I was bloated, maybe I am not eating enough... blah blah blah. Oh well, it sucks, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing because I know I am doing the very best I can. Plus, let's face it, 4.7 kilos is an awesome loss in a month and I can't really be disappointed with that.

I'll still keep away from the scales this month, mostly because I am still not interested in seeing any of the numbers the scale has to offer right now. I have seen the same numbers go up and down for the past 10 years and I am well and truly sick of them. Until I start seeing some virgin numbers, I'll get no joy from the scale!

All Good

Sorry if I sounded down in the dumps earlier this week. I don't mean to be such a downer all the time, I try to be brutally honest and sometimes it comes across being more negative than I intend.

I am not actually doing all that bad, if I do say so myself! I have been going to the gym 4-5 times a week all this month and it really doesn't ever cross my mind not to go. I have also being doing great with my eating, last weekend was just a slight blip on the radar. The good thing is that I always knew I would be ok. I just made a few impulsive and stupid food decisions, and that is ok, one thing I will never be is perfect.

I haven't been weighing myself, so I really don't know how all that is going, but I weigh in on the 1st of the month, so time will tell. I haven't noticed huge changes in myself or my clothes, but I don't really expect to at this stage. When you are as big as I am, it takes about 30 kilos before noticeable changes start to occur. As weird as it sounds, as soon as I get to 99 kilos, I suddenly get everyone noticing my weight loss. That is still a while off...

*** *** *** ***
My blogging and commenting has had to take a back seat because work has gone and blocked access to blogger, how dare they? I don't tend to get online at night anymore because going to the gym takes priority and I find when I turn the computer on it just sucks hours of time away. I am working from home today and taking the opportunity to get onto blogger!

Food Hang Over

Why is it that when your eating goes bad, all aspects of your life tend to unravel? I have been eating terribly for the last 3 days and somehow in those 3 days, I have also spent more money than I have in months. I am scared to get on the scales and I'm scared to check my bank balance right now! I did none of the things I had planned to get done over the weekend and my life feels disorganised and cluttered at the moment.

I also feel exhausted because my sleeping has been terrible and I am lethargic and completely unmotivated to do anything. I feel puffy and greasy and it makes me wonder if this is how I used to feel all the time and I just didn’t realise it. No wonder being fat is so freaking hard. I am drinking lots of water and eating lots of fruit today and heading to the gym tonight to shake off this revolting food hang over.

Up until the last few days, I hadn’t really tested the lap band to see if it had much restriction, turns out it doesn’t! I have been relying on will power for the past few months, but that all came crashing down around me over the weekend, like it always does eventually. So I obviously need to get some more fill put into the band and try to get this thing working.

*** *** *** *** ***
On another note, where have all my favourite bloggers gone? There are so many bloggers M.I.A. at the moment and I miss you! Please come back and let us know how you’re going. Don’t make me start naming names… ;-)

Band Update

I guess it is time for an update on how the lap band is going, for those of you who are interested. I got a 1 ml fill put in a couple of weeks ago, taking me up to 5 mls in a 10 ml band. The week after having this fill I wasn’t able to keep any food down at all and even having a smoothie was difficult. So I went back to the doctor on Monday and had half a ml taken out, so I am now back to 4.5 mls. So far, so good at this level. I can’t say that my hunger feels particularly satisfied at this level, but at least I have stopped bringing up my food. I am going to take getting fills very slowly from now on, I refuse to be put in anymore situations when I am eating with people and feel something get stuck. It is embarrassing and not pleasant. I ruined a perfectly nice drive along the great ocean road last weekend by getting a strawberry stuck and having to stand by the side of the road trying to bring it up for 30 minutes. Why did I eat a strawberry when I knew I couldn’t keep anything down? Because I am an idiot.

Since I have been banded over the last couple of months my diet has been very healthy, full of fresh vegetables, fruit and lean meats. It really is the healthiest I have been eating for years. Last week I went to the blood bank to donate plasma and they did the usual tests and noticed that my haemoglobin levels had dropped significantly since I last visited. They said if I was doing a normal blood donation that they would have to send me away because they are too low, but because I was donating plasma I was ok. When donating plasma they take the blood out and remove the plasma and platelets and then put the blood back in you, kind of a creepy and long process. Then last Friday I had a call from a doctor who had tested my blood and found I was dangerously low in iron and a few other technical things that went over my head. They are sending my results to me to take to my doctor for a proper review and apparently I can’t donate blood for at least 6 months.

The doctor who called me from the blood bank asked how I was feeling and if I felt more tired than usual. Of course I am freaking tired, who isn't? I guess I better get googling on ways to increase my iron levels. Have any other lap banders had this problem?

Blah Blah Blah

That is how I feel right now. Just blah.

I feel like I have nothing to say about anything. My life revolves around going to work and going to the gym right now. I am trying to eat healthy and save money. There is nothing interesting about any of that.

I just feel like staying in bed and being left alone at the moment. Going to work has been a mammoth effort, if I had any sick days left right now I would be taking them.

I am not really feeling down, just uninspired.

Maybe it is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

I need to get out of this slump and stop being so miserable.

Life's really not that bad.

I kneed advice*

When I got off my flight back from the UK a couple of weeks ago I had quite severe pain in my knee, presumably from not moving for 24 hours and sitting awkwardly in that small space. The pain has been persistent and when I googled "knee pain in flight" it became apparent I was GOING TO DIE. So when I went to the doctor to get some scripts re-filled I mentioned it and he diagnosed me with bursitis of the knee. It isn't serious, just annoying more than anything, mostly because it is getting difficult to exercise.

I am lucky enough to have never had knee problems and I really don't want to start now. I have been plagued with foot/heel problems (mostly because of my weight) and it really gets in the way. Despite my sore knee, I have been going to the gym 5 times a week and this really hasn't been helping. The doctor told me not to go to the gym for a week, but of course I smiled and said yes, then walked directly into the gym. The idea of not going to the gym actually scares me. I know that seems crazy because I have only been back at the gym for a couple of months and prior to that it had been years since I stepped inside a gym. I just know how easy it is for that switch to flick in me and never to go back- it has happened to at least 3 other gym memberships I have purchased in my time.

Since I have continued going to the gym I have managed to strain my hamstring and back on the same side as my sore knee because I have been moving awkwardly in order to protect my knee. So I have finally given in and realised that I need to have a break from exercise. I am sure there are lots of things I can still do that won't put strain on my knee and hamstring, but I haven't really thought of anything yet. Anyone got any ideas? Boxing? Swimming?

* I am sorry for that bad pun, but you know how hard it is to come up with titles.

August Weigh In

I weighed myself this morning for my first day of the month weigh in and I am 114.5 kilos, which is exactly 1 kilo up on last month. I am actually really happy that it wasn't much worse than this because I spent 3 weeks of the month not exercising and eating out for 3 meals a day. In the past I have been known to go away for a weekend and gain 4 kilos, so to only register a 1 kilo gain during my 3 weeks away is amazing.

I didn't think that my lap band was really giving me any restriction while I was away, but perhaps it gave me more restriction than I realised. I was often leaving quite a bit of food on my plate, but that was generally because the food I was eating really wasn't that nice and I couldn't be bothered eating it when it wasn't to my taste. Maybe pre-lap band I would have kept eating it anyway, I can't recall too many times in my life when I have gone out for dinner and left food on my plate, so this thing could be starting to work.

I am feeling good about the general direction the scales are going in, but at the same time I have lost interest in what they say at the moment. I find it hard to celebrate the same old numbers that I have been seeing while going up and down in weight over the past 10 years. I really don't think the scales will excite me at all until I finally get under 100 kilos and stay there.

Fill Her Up

Yesterday morning I got a fill in my lap band and I now have 4 mls in a 10 ml band. The doctor told me to be careful with what I eat for the first 24 hours and to stay to mostly liquids, so I haven't been able to tell yet if I feel more restriction. The doctor thought I would probably need another 1 or 2 mls to have a good level of restriction, but we will go slowly and see how I feel. When she did the fill I honestly didn't feel a thing and was shocked when she told me it was finished. I have only had one fill before this and it was quite painful, so the fact that I didn't feel a thing was amazing.

Speaking of my doctor, I saw her for the first time yesterday and she is fabulous! I wasn't too keen on my lap band surgeon, he gave me absolutely no information and was not very helpful at all. He was also quite rude to me when I came in for a pre-op appointment and had gained weight and made me feel like a complete failure and threatened to not do the lap band unless I lost weight. Even on the day of surgery, I could see him preparing for the surgery while I was waiting on the trolley and he didn't even bother to come over and say hello or see how I was feeling. I guess not all great surgeons can have wonderful personalities, and as long as he did the surgery well (which he did), I am happy.

I am thrilled to have my new doctor for future follow up appointments, she is just so lovely and gave me so much information about what to expect when having a lap band, getting a fill and losing weight. I had actually considered cancelling my fill appointment yesterday because I knew I had gained weight since they last weighed me and I was scared they would tell me off again. I know that sounds ridiculous that I would consider cancelling an appointment that is going to help me lose weight, but I am a bit sensitive about these things. Anyway, she was absolutely fine and understood my situation and just wanted to help get me back on track. I feel so much better having her support and a lot of my worries about the lap band have been put to rest.