Monday, April 28, 2008

Hungry Hippo

I realised a couple of weeks ago that I am sick of being hungry. I have this idea that to lose weight I need to be hungry. I try to convince myself that I should eat when I am dieting, but I still find that I unconsciously restrict myself to the point that I am uncomfortably hungry. I generally try to stick to 1200 calories to lose weight, but I know that I purposely over estimate my calories and that I would rarely eat more then 1000 calories.

The whole idea that deprivation equals success has been with me for over 20 years and it isn't easy to shake. My whole life I have had people tell me to stop eating and I thought that was what I had to do to lose weight and be happy. Of course I now know that deprivation just leads to binging and it is a perpetuating cycle that is really hard to break.

I decided things had gotten out of control when I was at my mum's for dinner a few weeks ago and it was a warm night but I was wearing a thick jacket because I was so cold. My family commented on how strange it was that I was all rugged up and I casually replied that it was because I hadn't eaten in days (was drinking diet shakes) and not eating makes you cold. My brother laughed and said how weird it was that I was so open about my eating disorder and that most people try and hide it. I then proceeded to eat 5 plate fulls of food. I walked away from that evening and realised that something wasn't right.

I've been spending a lot of time trying to work through what I can do to make things better. My motto recently has been that I need a lifestyle that is sustainable for the rest of my life. I don't want a short term solution I want a sustainable and happy life. This may mean that I will lose minimal amounts of weight or even no weight at all which is terrifying to me. My whole life has been about striving to lose weight and while this is still the case, I am not prepared to continue doing things the way I have been doing them because I just can't be happy this way and I am sick of being hungry.

Of course while it will be hard to force myself to eat more, it is going to be even harder to learn when to stop. It is also going to be difficult not to get consumed by guilt and self loathing because I only feel like I am 'good' when I am punishing myself. I think this will be harder then if I just followed a 1200 calorie diet and exercised everyday and lost 25 kilos. I have done that numerous times and I know it doesn't work me. I need to change myself from the inside out and that starts with being kind to my body.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Saturday I went for a drive with a friend to Kyneton for lunch in a beautiful French restaurant. We had been trying to learn French, so we thought it would be fun to eat French food while we spoke French. I guess French food and wine improves just about every situation! After lunch we went to the most divine cupcake shop called Life's Sweet. It was AMAZING and I highly recommend going!

A guy offered me his seat on the tram tonight, I don't know if he was just being polite or if he thought I was pregnant. There was no reason to offer me his seat and I wasn't the only woman standing. So, because I am crazy, I considered pushing my stomach out and rubbing my belly to look more pregnant because I thought it might be less embarrasing if people actually did think I was pregnant. The guy who offered his seat looked like he was from the country and slightly like a Christian, so I am hoping he was just being a gentleman. Well that is what I am going to believe anyway.

I had a bit of a traumatic changing room experience on Sunday. I have been starting to feel better about my body lately and it turns out I may have been delusional. I was trying on a clingy top in a change room with 4 mirrors that showed every angle and I was shocked by the rolls of fat on my back. I guess I don't really see my back very often and I literally looked like a 3 tier wedding cake. The worst thing was that it made me wonder how often I have worn tops that looked that bad and not realised. I was surprised by how down I felt about the incident after, maybe I was more embarrassed then anything, but it was a good reality check.

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Life in ID Photos

I decided it was about time to get my Learners driving permit redone because my old one had expired in 2000. Oh the shame! When I was getting it organised I was shocked to look at my old photo that must have been taken when I was 16 and I was bigger then I think I remember being. It is quite hard to tell if I was bigger when I was 16 then I am now because I was cursed with some pretty shocking style. My eyebrows were the size of two moustaches, my hair was slicked back from my face and I wasn't familiar with make up or even moisturiser back then! You have to remember I was from the country...

I got the new photo taken and somehow I seem to have either left my old license at Vic Roads or they took it, which is a shame because I really wanted to have it as a comparison. Luckily for me that is not the only shocking ID photo I have so I have been able to compare my new photo with some other old ones. The photos are quite small, but I think if you click on them they should open in a bigger window.

The first photo is my new Learners permit taken just yesterday. It is not the best photo but not a bad photo, so probably a pretty accurate representation of me now. I am not totally happy with my weight and how I look now, but when you see the next photo you will realise why I am quite pleased with how far I have come.

The second photo is a doozy and there are not many photos of me at this weight. This was me on my first day of my second uni degree at Monash University. I was 22 years old and weighed 126.5 kilos (278.5 lbs) which was only 2 kilos lighter then my all time heaviest weight. It is pretty hard to look at that photo now because that was at a really unhappy time in my life. I am not sure if I would say I was clinically depressed, but if I wasn't, I was pretty close to it. Apart from my weight I was having personal and family difficulties, I had pretty much no friends and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. It was a really sad time.

The third photo was just after I had turned 18 years old and I had recently lost quite a bit of weight. I was really happy because I was about to leave home and go to university and start living an exciting and independent life. Almost 10 years on from that photo, I would love to go back and tell that girl a thing or two...

P.S. Special thanks to computer savvy Marshmallow for converting these files for me!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Wedding Pictures

I went to my friend's wedding on the weekend in Apollo Bay. I had a great time, the wedding was beautiful and everything seemed to go without a hitch. My biggest drama was that my vision for my hair didn't work out and I panicked because my hair was a mess half an hour before the ceremony. I don't know why I try to curl my hair, it never works. I also didn't realise just how much my breasts were popping out of my dress. If I was standing straight they were ok, but when I sat down they were on full display and I had quite a lot of comments on them!

The ceremony was on a secluded beach in the afternoon and we just missed the rain and the tide coming in. Though as the bride walked down the aisle a huge wave came in and got half the guests, which was quite funny. I did a Shakespeare reading (116 sonnet) and I was so nervous I can barely remember the ceremony. We were all barefoot on the beach and myself and two of my friends stood in dog shit on the beach which was just lovely.

Then the reception was in a stunning mountain top restaurant overlooking the ocean. The food and wine was amazing- it would have cost an absolute fortune. I drank way too much and was my normal loud and crazy drunken self but I don't think I did anything particularly bad- unless you count my dancing! By god I was sick on that winding road on the way home this morning, we had to stop a couple of times because I thought I was going to vomit. The hang over is still lingering tonight.

Anyway, here are some photos from the wedding. They are mostly of me because I don't know how to pixelate photos to protect the innocent. Hopefully my friends won't mind and won't find this blog anyway!

Getting ready in the bathroom- look at that concentration on my face. I also look like I am about to do the chicken dance.

A full length picture of my dress, this isn't the best photo, but not many of my photos worked out.

The ceremony

The girls I went to uni with

Almost about to have a wardrobe malfunction...

After the drinks started flowing the silliness began.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

I have been doing a lot of whinging and moaning lately about work and weight loss*. It has been a really tough year and it feels like nothing has been easy. Sometimes I forget that things aren't that bad and I have a pretty good life, so here are just a few of the reasons life is good at the moment.

I am happy because...

I can sit in my office and blog and no one can see what I am doing.

My favourite team (AFL) Geelong are on top of the ladder.

My flatmate started a job right near my work and now we can drive to work in his brand new luxury car (hello leather seat warmers) and I don't have to use revolting public transport anymore.

I only have another hour of work before the weekend.

Right after work I am going to go to Apollo Bay for the weekend for my friend's wedding tomorrow.

I get to dress up and drink champagne at my friend's wedding- two of my favourite things to do.

When I get home on Sunday the house will be sparkling clean because my cleaner would have cleaned up for me.

I have Monday off work to make up for all the extra hours I have been working.

I am going to the UK in exactly 3 weeks for a month.

See life isn't that bad! Have a good weekend.

*Oh you noticed I have avoided discussing this topic today...

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Not A Weigh In Post

Ahhh, were you expecting a weigh in post? Well none of us need to see that at the moment, so lets all just live in denial for another week shall we? Great, thanks. :-)

I have had an up and down week of both food and life. As usual it is just work stressing me out and I am exhausted. Sometimes I just wonder how I get myself into these situations. I just keep telling myself that this is a wonderful opportunity and that it will be worth it in the end. Anyway, even I am sick of hearing myself whinge about work.

I have had some lovely times too over the last couple of weeks to. I had a great time in Perth last week even though I didn't actually have any time to do anything except work. It is a gorgeous city and I could see myself living there. I am looking forward to my next work trip to Perth in July and I am going to take some extra days off and do a trip to the Margaret River to sample a wine or two...

Last night I went to a lovely restaurant with a friend for his birthday where I indulged in a decadent three course meal and some much needed wine. Then we went to see Spamalot, which is not really my cup of tea, but it was a fun night. I must admit that I was so tired that I fell asleep for some of it, but after a power nap I was ready to keep going.

Today I went on a fun girly shopping day with my future sister in law and then we met my mum and gran for high tea at the Langham hotel. It was a lovely experience and I recommend it as a nice way to treat your mum or gran. It was just an exquisite selection of cakes, scones and sandwiches and boy of boy did I indulge. I don't think I will have room for dinner tonight!

I had a slight drama because my mum was making me a dress to wear out of this stunning butter coloured silk I found for my friends wedding next weekend. Then a couple of days ago she called me to say her sewing machine had a fit and ripped the dress and the sewing machine is now broken. So you can imagine how panicked I was about finding a dress at this late stage. When I was shopping today I found a gorgeous plum dress from Myer that was $300- a little more then I wanted to pay considering I already spent a small fortune on the silk for the dress that got ruined and I have to pay for two nights in a hotel for the wedding. Anyway, as any fat girl who is looking for formal wear will understand, you will pay ANYTHING for a nice dress! Photos will follow next week after the wedding!

I know I have another tough week ahead of me because I am going to Sydney for the day on Monday for a meeting at some revoltingly early hour of the morning and when I get tired and stressed I just love to comfort eat. That's OK, I can't keep using being tired as an excuse because that is just life. Is it just me or is a lot of the blogging world feeling a bit unmotivated at the moment?