Sunday, April 29, 2007

Plodding Along

I haven't had the healthiest week this week. I haven't eaten as good as I could and I haven't exercised as much as I should. I am still on the wagon though and that is the main thing. In the past I have just given up and said that I would start again next week, but there is no stopping and starting anymore for me. I am sure I will have ups and downs, but I will keep going none the less.

I was reading the paper this morning and they had a training guide for the Run to the G on June 17 and it struck me that I should give the 5km course a try. I am not sure if I could run any of it, but I could walk and try and run a little. It is a totally outrageous idea for me to even think about doing a fun run because I have never used the words "fun" and "run" simultaneously in a sentence before. I think it might be good for me to put myself way out of my comfort zone and give myself something to aim for.

What makes me angry about being fat this week...
There are no nice winter jackets in plus sizes. I have been looking everywhere in the shops for the last few weeks and the only jackets for fat people are puffy, vinyl sort of things that you would wear hiking or to the snow. God forbid if you are fat and want to wear something stylish and classy.

***UPDATE*** I just ordered this from ezibuy in the black, size XXL (20-22). I am not sure if it will fit, but it is worth a try. Thank God for ezibuy!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

It Makes Sense

I read something the other day that really hit home.

When you don't eat enough calories your body burns muscle. Then when you inevitably binge (well I do anyway) the weight goes on as fat. So I am essentially taking away muscle and replacing it with fat, which is why I am always fatter after a 'diet' then when I started.

I had what Oprah calls a 'light bulb moment' when I read that.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Size Zero

I watched a UK show on TV last night called "The Truth About Size Zero". The presenter, Louise Redknapp, went on an intense diet for 30 days to see what it takes to be a size zero. It was somewhat interesting, let's face it, anything about weight loss or food interests me.

What grabbed me about the show was when the presenter, spoke to women and girls with eating disorders. I just felt incredibly sad for them and for myself when I listened to them talk about food and how they fear it. I could really relate to how they fear social situations where it is expected that you eat and that intense feeling of guilt you have after eating. I knew exactly how the presenter felt when she could barely think or move some days because she hadn't eaten in so long. It really is no way to live life.

I have been feeling a bit unwell over the last few days and I think it might be because I haven't been eating enough. As were watching the show last night my flat mate asked me to list what I had eaten that day and he added up the calories. It came to only 700 calories. I was a bit shocked because I was not intentionally trying to keep my calories so low. I just can't help reverting to the "All or Nothing" mentality. I know that I will not lose weight by doing this because my body cannot function, let alone lose weight on so few calories and I always end up binging, but I just can't force myself to eat more.

I really do wonder how people over come this. I have a lot of admiration for anyone who has the mental strength and wisdom (or whatever it is that is needed...?) to overcome an unhealthy relationship with food. As much as I want to lose weight, what I really want to do is stop obsessing over food and live a normal life. I want to go out with friends, go to morning tea at work, go to a family birthday party or go shopping and not spend the weeks or days before I go obsessing over how I can avoid food or alternatively, what I am going to eat. I guess that is why I read so many weight loss blogs. There are so many blogs out there that inspire, motivate and encourage me on a daily basis.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I Don't Know How To Feel

I haven't weighed myself for 3 weeks now and I feel really strange. My flat mate asked me how I am feeling about my weight and I didn't know what to say. I normally dictate how I feel depending on what I weigh and without knowing how much I weigh, I just don't know how to feel.

In the past if I lose a kilo, I look in the mirror and think I look thinner, if I gain a kilo I think I look fatter. If I am losing weight then I can go out and see friends, if I am gainging weight then I shouldn't leave the house. It is all in my head.

I think it is good for me to do this for the moment. I need to stop valuing myself by what the scales say. Hopefully as I get a better attidue about food and exercise, I will get a better attitude about the scales.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

A New Low

So after my last smug post about not eating any Easter eggs on Easter I really blew it.

On Easter night I had KFC for tea while my friend and I went for a drive down the coast. A few hours later I was still a little bit peckish and got a McChicken from Maccas. Then at 3.30am while I was sitting up and watching the cricket, my friend decided to get a middle of the night snack and I couldn't refuse, so we got Whopper's from Hungry Jacks (Burger King).

3 different fast food places in less then 12 hours. I disgust even myself!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Happy Easter

A friend gave me an Easter egg 2 weeks ago and I still haven't eaten it. I think that is the longest I have ever had chocolate in the house without eating it. I was saving it for Easter, but I don't even think I will eat it today. Not because I have particularly strong will power, but because I have indulged enough recently...

My flatmate won an Easter egg guessing competition at work and bought home 610 Easter eggs of all shapes and sizes. Great. We had Easter eggs from one end of our lounge room to the other. So on Wednesday and Thursday I sampled just about every kind of Easter egg in the basket. I didn't feel guilty because those were my designated days of relaxed eating. I normally only have 1 day a week of eating what ever I like, but this week I had 2 because it was my flatmates birthday and he has had a rough time lately, so I treated him to a couple of fun days.

Wednesday we had a big creamy pasta lunch and gelati on Lygon st (Melbourne's Italian precinct) and strangely enough we were both too full to finish our second scoop of gelati so we threw it in the bin! That night I cooked a healthy, but yummy, Moroccan lamb casserole with couscous, Turkish bread and hummus. Then on Thursday we both took the day off work and drove up to Ocean Grove (a couple of hours out of Melbourne on the coast) and had fish and chips on the beach. In between all this food I kept myself going on Easter eggs. It was a fun couple of days and I enjoyed every mouthful of fatty goodness!

My flat mate went home to visit his family yesterday and I asked him to take the Easter eggs and not to bring them back. We are both trying to watch our weight, so this prize came at a particularly bad time. A few weeks ago that chocolate would have been the best thing that ever happened to me and I would have eaten it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I just can't continue like that.

I hope everyone has a good Easter and enjoy indulging on chocolate- it only happens once a year!

Putting The Scales Away

So I am taking a bit of a break from the scales. I have decided to weigh in on the first of each month, instead of every week. My first weigh in will be 1st May, which will be 5 weeks and 2 days after I have stepped up the healthy eating and exercise.

After my last weigh in where I catapulted up to 117.5 kilos I just couldn't do it anymore. I started to define myself by my weight again and put restrictions on what I can and can't do. I felt like I couldn't leave the house because I was too fat and shouldn't be seen, that I was too fat to have an opinion at work, that I was too fat to hang out with my friends. I just let that number overwhelm me.

I am also hoping that weighing in once a month will relax me a little bit. If I go out to dinner, I won't be wondering all week how it is going to affect the scales. I can have a bit of fun with food and alcohol occasionally and not feel overcome with guilt and panic about the scales. If I gain half a kilo one week I won't have to sink into depression and beat myself up.

Now the hard part is keeping away from the scales, there are days when I wake up and feel good and would love to have a sneak peak. I think I might put the scales somewhere difficult to get to, like in the storage room under the stairs behind all my crap, I know I will be too lazy to get in there to get them!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Back In The Water

For the first time in about 12 years I went swimming on Tuesday night.

It was the most fun I have had in a very long time!!!

I can't wait to go back and do it again. I have heard people talk about enjoying exercise and this has always been a strange concept to understand for me, but I finally get it.

One of the things that I have found the hardest about being overweight is that I was too embarrassed to go swimming. Growing up, swimming was always such a huge part of my life and since I stopped I have always felt like a piece of me was missing. I don't want to go on and get all weird, but when I stepped into that pool and dipped in the water it was almost like a spiritual experience. I felt more like myself again.

My brother, his girlfriend and a friend were sitting by the pool watching me and they couldn't get over how happy I was. They just kept exclaiming "Look at you, you look so happy!"

So now my brother's girlfriend and I are going to swim and do exercises in the pool twice a week. Eventually when I get my confidence up I want to do a water aerobics class. I need to re-teach myself how to swim, I was fine with breast stroke, but I found myself struggling to do freestyle because it felt so strange to keep my head under water.

Hopefully I'll get as good as Marshmallow eventually!