Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Eat My Feelings

One of the things I hate most about being overweight is that I feel like my personal problems are made public to everyone. I like to think of myself as a fairly private person (despite having this blog...) and even my closest friends don't know the half of anything about me and make fun of my intensely private ways.

So it bothers me a lot that any person that meets me for the first time can immediately see that I am fat and therefore have a problem with my eating. They can make assumptions such as I am a pig, I am lazy, I binge eat, I am stupid and don't know how to eat properly, I have no self control or I have an emotional eating problem. Some of these assumptions are true, some are not.

I feel that I literally wear my biggest weakness for everyone to see and judge me. I hate that when I meet people for the first time I am wondering what assumptions they are making about my weight. I especially hate that I now work in a job that requires a lot of face to face contact with clients and I wonder if my weight affects their perception of my ability.

I hate that being fat makes me appear weak and I then feel the need to over compensate and be stronger, nicer, smarter and harder working then everyone else. I just want to have a clean slate and if people think I am stupid, lazy or emotionally inept after they get to know me, that's fine because I am by no means perfect.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Another Weigh Day

This diet finally seems to be paying off this week. I weighed in this morning at 102.6 kilos making it a loss of 1.7 kilos for the week. I felt a huge relief to be close to my pre Christmas weight again, it was probably the best I have felt in weeks. I was getting so depressed trying to lose the same weight that I had already lost (and re-gained) about 3 times last year. I really want to see some new numbers and get excited about fitting into smaller sized clothes again and I can see now that won't be too far away.

I had a few challenges this week with 4 work client meetings that were held over lunch or coffee and cake. The only time I felt tempted was when I had a plate of caramel slice in front of my face for 3 hours and the smell of chocolate and caramel was intoxicating. I still have to eat something in these meetings and I try to make healthy choices, but inevitably there are hidden fats in most restaurant foods- that's why they taste so good.

The wineries I went to last weekend were beautiful. As per usual I drank too much, but it was the first drop of alcohol I had in a few weeks and I'll continue to steer clear from the alcohol for a while. As last weekend showed (yet again), when I drink I over eat. I get so happy and relaxed and have so much fun that I stop caring about my weight problems and just want to indulge like everyone else. Then I wake up the next day with a kebab hangover- not pleasant.

It is a long weekend here in Australia this weekend and all I can say is thank fucking christ. This has been one of the longest weeks I have ever had at work and I am exhausted. I find that lately I am so drained and stressed out about work that I can't even hold a conversation with anyone and just want to be left alone- hence my lack of posting.

Fingers crossed that I do well this week and I will see a virgin weight next weigh in!

Friday, January 18, 2008

Getting There...

I am starting to make in a dent into my huge Christmas weight gain- I lost another 1.4 kilos this week (3 lbs) to take me down to 104.3 kilos. I won't be happy until I lose those last few kilos I put on and can fit into my work clothes comfortably again.

I think I had a pretty good loss this week, especially considering the pop corn binge I had last weekend. I went to the fancy cinema where pop corn and soft drink are free, so well, I am sure you can guess... I have been exercising more this week, doing weights, using my fitball and getting on the treadmill which has made a difference. I even did an aqua aerobics class with Brooke- which was the only fun part of this whole diet thing!

I must admit though, all in all, it was another tough week on the diet. I am still not feeling very motivated, I am just going through the motions. My new job has been incredibly 'challenging' and it seems to absorb my life at the moment so it is hard to care much about my weighty issue. They all intertwine though because I feel so much more confident at work when I lose weight (and my clothes fit...), so I know it will help my work situation if I keep chipping away at those kilos.

I think things will get easier when I relax a bit, but right now I am being quite strict because I need to get my work clothes to fit me again ASAP. I also have a lot of travel for work and social functions coming up in February, March and April, so I am trying to be good now while I can- the calm before the storm.

I am not being that strict though, I am going to the Yarra Valley again this weekend with my dad and brothers (and their partners) for lunch and a day of wine tasting- a girl has to have some fun!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Scale Day

I weighed myself this morning for my normal Friday weigh in and much to my relief I have already dropped 3.1 of those annoying holiday kilos- 3 more to go (and then some...). Weird to think my body was retaining that much fluid, because it obviously wasn't fat if I got rid of it in 4 days. I am pretty sure that the other 3 kilos are fat though, I did consume a lot of chocolate.

I am still totally faking this diet, every time I see a fast food ad I am so close to going and buying it, I haven't felt like binging so much in ages. I am really hoping that my body just had a sugar/fat overload over Christmas and this is a period of adjustment until it gets it out of my system- sort of like a heroin addict!

I don't think it helps that I have realised my 10 year high school reunion is in March and I am starting to panic about it. My past history shows that every time I try to drop 10 kilso before an event, I instead gain 10 kilos and then make a feeble excuse to get out of going. So I know I shouldn't stress out about it, but for gods sake- it is my high school reunion, I have to do something!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Chocolate for Breakfast

Chocolate for breakfast? Any wonder I gained a whopping 6 kilos over the holidays?! I weighed in on Monday 7th January at 108.8 kilos. This morning I sneaked a peak at the scales and I'm relieved to see that already a couple of kilos have disappeared.

I have tried since New Years Day to get back on the wagon and didn't get much past lunch time before I started stuffing my face again. Over Christmas I ate whatever I wanted and I really enjoyed it. Now that I am back to healthy eating I find that I am hungry all the time and feeling resentful that I can't eat pizza and chocolate every night. I must admit that everything seems more fun when you aren't worried about calories. I haven't felt like this for a while and I hate that I am feeling so out of control again.

I have been 'on plan' now since Monday and I am just hoping that after a couple of weeks my body will get used it again- until then I will just have to push through it. How is everyone else going with their New Year's diets? I feel like I am the only one who is struggling. There have been so many amazing posts lately that are really inspiring, I just wish some of it would rub off on me a little!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

One Last Resolution For 2007

On the last day of 2007 I decided to do something I have wanted to do for a long time now, but have not been brave enough to do. I went to a crowded beach and went swimming.

I haven't done this since I was about 12 years old on a family holiday to Lakes Entrance where I spent the whole week swimming in the ocean having the time of my life. When we got the photos back I was looking at a beach shot that had lots of people in it and wondered why mum had taken this photo because there was no one in it we knew. Then I noticed a really fat middle aged lady standing on the beach in her bathers and I couldn't help but think "gees, what is she thinking going out in public looking like that?!", then I looked again and realised it was me. I was so horrified that I looked so disgusting that I never let myself be seen in a bathing suit in public again (except when I was forced to for school).

This year I braved swimming in the pool at my brother's apartment complex and even a hotel pool while on holidays, but I still didn't have enough courage to go to the beach. As a fat person I really felt like I didn't deserve to swim on the beach and that I shouldn't disgust people by being seen in a bathing suit. This year I have been making an effort to do what I want to do and have always told myself I can't do until I lose weight- basic things like buy clothes, go on holidays, get a rewarding job, get a pedicure and regular hair cuts. I always thought that I didn't deserve to have these things until I lost weight and as a result I have lived a pretty unfulfilled life.

I am proud to say that I am finally realising that I deserve to be happy no matter what I weigh. So on December 31st in 43 degree heat (109 F) I went to the beach at Torquay and swam in the ocean. It was the most exciting, scary and fun experience I have had in a long time. I loved feeling the waves crash against me and the cold water next to my skin. I forgot how salty the water was, how hot the sand was on my feet and that familiar scent of sunscreen mixed with the ocean. It really was exhilarating and I am so glad I did it. Here is to more adventures in 2008!

The beautiful beach in Torquay

Me about to go swimming, can you feel the confidence...

Pamela Anderson eat your heart out!