Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Eat My Feelings

One of the things I hate most about being overweight is that I feel like my personal problems are made public to everyone. I like to think of myself as a fairly private person (despite having this blog...) and even my closest friends don't know the half of anything about me and make fun of my intensely private ways.

So it bothers me a lot that any person that meets me for the first time can immediately see that I am fat and therefore have a problem with my eating. They can make assumptions such as I am a pig, I am lazy, I binge eat, I am stupid and don't know how to eat properly, I have no self control or I have an emotional eating problem. Some of these assumptions are true, some are not.

I feel that I literally wear my biggest weakness for everyone to see and judge me. I hate that when I meet people for the first time I am wondering what assumptions they are making about my weight. I especially hate that I now work in a job that requires a lot of face to face contact with clients and I wonder if my weight affects their perception of my ability.

I hate that being fat makes me appear weak and I then feel the need to over compensate and be stronger, nicer, smarter and harder working then everyone else. I just want to have a clean slate and if people think I am stupid, lazy or emotionally inept after they get to know me, that's fine because I am by no means perfect.


  1. Oh I agree so much! Well written and you put into words something that I think every time i enter a room!

  2. I know exactly what you mean.
    Being overweight though gives us valuable insight into how unfair, frustrating and demoralising it is to be judged by something external that the "world" has decided signifies inferiority.

  3. Wow ... I could not agree more! You just wrote what I think a thousand times a day. Well said and thank you!

  4. Hi,
    You don't know me, my name is nicky and I live in central NSW, I recently stumbled across your blog (through fatbridesmaid link)
    and had to speak up and say. YOU ARE SO RIGHT with that post. I feel exactly the same way!
    Its lovely to read your blog. By the way, you are pretty just the way you are!

  5. Too bloody true for most of us I think! I certainly felt the exact same way and still do!

  6. Many years ago I saw this beautiful blonde woman in a supermarket. She had a toddler in the trolley and she was checking the labels on a product. She was slim, was well dressed, immaculately made-up and had well manicured nails. Shit, even her shoes were hot! I was single with no kids at this stage,and I oogled her from a distance for sometime before approaching her, subtly standing next to her to ask a question about an item. When she opened her mouth, I swear my mouth fell open in shock. She had the more horrificly terrifying voice, very raspy, with poor speech. Add some profanity and a hyena like laugh and this woman wasn't as beautiful as I once thought.

    Regardless of what we look like, when we speak, and the way we carry ourselves says alot about who we are. I think you would find that only a minority of small minded judgemental people think about you in a negative way. And who gives a shit what they think? You are smart, talented and beautiful. That shines through Tully, regardless of what the scale and years of low self esteem tells you. You are still mysterious and I'm sure many people still wonder about you, you just have to realize it!

  7. I agree too. I also find that being fat I feel like it takes my femininity away and I have to work double hard to been seen as a woman first and a fat person second.. hell I wish they didn't see that at all.
    I often think about how someone would describe me to a stranger, say if they had to find me in a crowded room, and what saddens me is that I know every time they are going to say, 'Look for the fat red head'

  8. Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. I COMPLETELY agree with everything that you've written, and I'm so glad that you wrote about it.

    I hate all of the assumptions that come with being overweight, and that I have to work harder just to be on equal footing as everyone else. It's not fair that feel we have to be perfect in every other way just because our size doesn't meet that of a societal ideal. Thank you so much for articulating this, girl.

  9. I was just talking to a friend about this last week. People with other issues ie drink, drugs etc can to an extent hide this from public view.

    I think also though sometimes we judge ourselves much harder and more frequently than anybody else does.

  10. Amen, sister!

    In some ways, I feel like fat people are one of the few groups of people against whom it is still socially acceptable to discriminate or at least judge unfairly and treat cruelly. Your well worded entry captures exactly how a lot of people feel and I imagine that this is the very reason why many people finally choose to take control of their lives.


  11. You nailed it with this post, dude. Really. This is the perfect post.

  12. I agree with you and it is unfair. Sort of like I am on the backfoot to be begin with every time. Reading yours and other weight loss blogs has changed my life and my outlook on so many things, I have received so much inspiration and encouragement - so thank you for that!

  13. This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I immediately prejudged as being stupid and "white trash" because I am fat. I sometimes walk around thinking, if only you all knew how charming and funny and damn on to it I really am.

  14. Wow. This post is so good. Seriously. I'm going to sound like everyone else and just say that I totally know what you're saying. Even though I probably have a slightly different slant, it definitely connected with me.

  15. I am on the opposite side of the fence. I was working in the public eye and always maintained my weight (for fear like yourself)because I thought people would say things like "wow, look at that slob" or "I don't wanna get help from her, she's big"...but, that too stems back from self-esteem issues when I was child and being teased and taunted in school. However, now that I'm working 'behind the scenes'...I've let myself go. I've gained 40+ pds since I started my desk job and I hate it. I hate not having to get dressed up every day and 'face the music' and it really does nothing for the self-esteem. I'm sluggish, overweight and I feel rotten. I talk on the phone to clients and I think 'I wonder if they think I'm as pretty as I sound?'....hahahahahaa.

  16. Sounds like a lot of us have the same thoughts!

    It can definitely get tiring always trying to be happier, friendlier, more outgoing, smarter, fitter (despite the body I am in) than everyone else. But I can honestly say that I am not quite sure anymore where that person ends and the 'real' me begins. I just have to hope that my outside someday matches my inside. And I don't mind those character traits, but I just don't want to feel like I have to prove it to other people so they'll look past the fat. Great post!

    And congrats on the weight loss! You are closing in on 100 kilos!

  17. Tully.. an excellent post!!!

    I have read your post everyday for the past few days.. wonderful post!

  18. Yeah I know exactly how you feel. I think it all comes down to self perception. The bigger I got the more aggresive I got. It was a way of compensating for being big. Now, although I have only lost 10 kilos, I am in a totally different mind set. I am aware that I am bigger then most, and am aware that some people may perceive that in a certain way, but I dont CARE. And thats what matters.

    You can see some people who are bigger and are completely comfortable around others, and that makes others comfortable around them. What your probably noticing, is similar to the law of attraction, your projecting your feelings towards your body on them, whether you mean to or not, and people pick up on that.

    We are living in a body obsessed nation, but I am learning more and more every day that it really doesnt matter. I am happy now sitting at 96.6 kilos, and yeah I want to lose weight, but more so because I want to be healthy, not because it will improve any aspect of my life. I used to want to lose weight because I thought it would change so many things, but for some reason I never lost any weight no matter how much I wanted to.

    Now I am consistently losing weight, and I think that its because my outlook and attitude towards it has changed.

    Dont think that losing weight will make you happier, that is such a misconception, its being happy and content that will help you lose weight.


  19. I couldn't agree more with everything you just wrote. I am in marketing and that means I am on the phone and / or meeting people almost daily.

    Those thoughts are always in the back of my mind. I always feel like people are thinking. She's the marketing director? She can't even handle herself how can she run a department or be trusted to market for my company.

    It's harsh...and I hate that I have these thoughts.

  20. I love the title of this post and I love the post even more! Well said :) I can relate to it 100%


Awww thanks so much for the comment!