Saturday, March 31, 2007

Eat, Drink & Be Merry!

So my plan involves having 1 day a week to eat/drink what I like. If I have no reason to do this and don't feel like doing it, then I won't. This week I am using my free day for a BBQ at a friend's house tonight. I've got myself a chicken breast to take, but knowing me I will cut sick on the chips and dip anyway.

The real damage will be caused by the 2 litre cask of wine I have cooling in the fridge. Yes I am all class. At least I have moved up from the 4 litre casks that I used to drink. I mean I paid $15 for this cask, I could have got 5 litres for $5, but I bought the good stuff! I know I should stop acting like a uni student and take bottles of wine, but I find that 2 bottles of wine is not enough for a full night, so I had to weigh up what would be more embarrassing- turning up with a cask or turning up with 3 bottles of wine. I went with the cask.

In an effort to drink less I have bought 2 bottles of soda water to have with the wine, I thought this might help slow me down. I tend to drink and drink and think I am not that drunk, then pass out and have little memory of the last 5 hours of the night.

The biggest challenge will be avoiding comfort/hangover food on Sunday. When I am hungover I just don't care anymore and will eat anything.

Anyway, I am looking forward to tonight. This year has been tough so far and I haven't had a whole lot of fun. So tonight I just want to relax and have some fun with my friends.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Getting There

I can't thank everyone enough for your supportive comments and wise words. I know you have all been through the same things and at times feel the same way and that makes it so much easier to share how I feel on this blog.

I must admit that I am still finding things difficult. I have been doing well with eating and exercise this week, but it has not been easy and I still feel like I could lose it at any moment and that scares me. My plan is to to just keep going through the motions and doing my best and hopefully it will get easier.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Why Is This So Hard?

Weight loss seems so simple on paper: burn more calories then you consume.

I sit on the couch every day wondering why I can't just eat less calories and exercise more. It is not complicated. It should be easy. It is just simple maths.

If I could do this I would be healthier, fitter and more confident. I could wear any clothes I wanted to, my family would be proud of me and I could look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted.

So why can't I do this?

Every week I think I am going to do this and I feel confident that I can do it and then I fail. I only need to smell the fish and chip shop when I walk past it on my way home from work or see a pizza hut ad on TV at dinner time or be frustrated, tired, angry, sad or even happy at someone or something. Then I crumble. See, even writing the word 'crumble' made me think of apple crumble.

Sometimes I feel like I am in control and then out of no where I just lose it. I feel like I can never trust myself, no matter how good I feel or how well I am doing I feel like I drop the ball at any moment.

So I have done well today. I have eaten well, I have exercised and I am feeling good, but still cautious.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Plan

The plan this week:

  • 1 x swimming
  • 1x swimming
  • 1 x exercise bike
  • 1 x exercise bike
  • 1 x strength training
  • 1 x strength training
  • 1 x strength training
  • Walk to and from work Monday-Friday
  • Drink at least 2 litres of water Monday-Friday
  • Keep my calories under 1500 every day (using Sparkpeople as recommended by Marshmallow)

I hope by writing this down I will stick to it, I'll let you know next Sunday.

Woman Possessed

It is TTOTM for me at the moment and it has been making me a little bit crazy. I have PCOS and get extremely heavy and painful periods, so my doctor told me that it would be advisable to take the pill and skip the sugar tablets as much as possible so that I don't have to get my period. I know this is not really helping the problem, but getting my period can be so debilitating and I just don't have the time for it.

So this month it was time for me to take the plunge and take the sugar tablets. It has been as bad as I expected, but with a couple of unexpected twists.

Firstly, I weighed myself on Tuesday and I had gained 2 kilos! I was shocked and I am hoping that this is just a side effect of TTOTM. I don't usually weigh myself when I have my period, so I wasn't aware that you could gain so much weight. Well I very much hope that it was because of my period anyway...

Secondly, I have just had this urge to spend money. Normally I am careful with my money and I don't often buy anything for myself except for clothes (and that is only because I have to for work). Over the past few days I have spent hundreds of dollars on random stuff- DVDs, underwear, cutlery, a beach towel, books, drinking glasses. None of which I needed. I have actually been too scared to look at my bank balance today, I don't even know how much I have spent. I have that same fear of my bank balance that I normally have of the scales after a pig out. I only just got paid on Thursday and I get paid monthly, so my next pay isn't until the 15th April and I am already broke! I guess I will be having a quiet few weeks at home until I get paid again...

Thirdly, I got out of bed this morning and banged my shin on the corner of the bed base and I started to cry. It is not like me to cry over nothing, it is not like me to cry at all!

The last side effect is no surprise to anyone and I need only say one word. Chocolate.

I have never really understood how menstruation works so I have never noticed such a dramatic shift in my body and mind before. I cannot wait until it is over with. I just hope those 2 kilos go back to where ever they came from!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

There Is No Humiliaton Like Shopping Humiliation

So my bathers arrived in the post yesterday. I tried them on they fit quite well, which was a bit surprising because I had to buy a size 20, when I am actually a 22, but the next size up they had available was a 26. The in-built bra actually gives real support and the top holds me tightly so that all of my fat doesn't jiggle. It is a two piece, but the top is long enough to cover my belly, so no skin is showing.

While the bathers fit nicely, well as nicely as bathers can look on someone who weighs 117.5 kilos, there is no way known I could be seen in public in them. I decided to go in search of board shorts to wear over the briefs.

I already knew that I wouldn't fit into the boardies at the surf shops, so I went to Target. They only had cute little shorts for skinny girls, so I reluctantly went to the menswear section. It is Autumn here, so all the summer stock is gone and the winter clothing lines are coming into the shops, but there was a messy rack of discounted summer menswear. I started looking through it and picking out a couple of pairs of shorts that were quite nice, but I had no idea what size I am in men's sizes. I held up the XL and it looked quite big, so I stood in a quiet corner and tried to slip them on over my pants (I think I have mentioned in the past that I am lazy...) and they didn't get past my knees. Immediately alarm bells starting ringing in my head.

I kept looking and picked up the largest size I could find which was 109 and once again, they didn't get anywhere near fitting me. Panic and humiliation were quickly sweeping over me and I just started searching through the rack like a crazy woman searching for something with a stretchy waistband. Eventually, tucked away at the back, I found a pair of what look like basketball shorts in a 4XL. I tried them on over my pants and they fit. I was relieved, but horrified that I had to buy men's 4XL shorts. I couldn't leave quick enough, so I paid for them and got out of there.

By the end of this process I was red in the face, sweating and flustered. I really did not know whether to laugh or cry. I can't even describe how ashamed of myself I felt standing in the men's section of Target in these ugly 4XL shorts. All I kept thinking was "how did it come to this?" I felt embarrassed for myself and everyone that knows me.

I need to make a promise to myself that next summer it will be different. I have a bit over 8 months to get my body into a more respectable shape for summer.

At least I can use the whole experience as motivation to keep going when I am doing laps in the pool.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I Wonder...

Lately I have been wondering what I would look like if I was skinny. I have never in my entire life been thin. I am curious as to what my face would look like and what body shape I would have.

I wonder if I would have curvy hips, a round bottom, big or small breasts. I wonder what shape face I would have, if I would have high cheek bones and what kind of chin I have. I wonder who in my family I would look like. I wonder if I would be pretty.

I want to see what my body would look like with a flat stomach, without rolls of fat, thin arms, toned legs, a proper neck and collar bones.

I want to feel what it is like to run, put on jeans, dance and have sex when you are thin. I want to know what it feels like to walk into a room and just be who you are and not the fat girl.

I have seen so many 'before and after photos' of people who have lost weight and they look amazing, like completely different people. I just want to know what I would look like and who I am really supposed to be.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


I don't think I love any time of the year more then I love autumn. I get so excited when the nights get shorter, the evenings get cooler, the leaves fall off the trees and I can start to have hot showers again and snuggle under the doonah. It gives me an excited tingly feeling inside and I can't help but smile.

It is no secret that I hate summer and this summer has been no different then any other. I have spent the weeks trying to avoid the heat, getting sweaty and red-faced and having to wear clothes that cover me up while everyone else is wearing singlet tops and little skirts.

I have always been most successful with dieting during autumn and winter. I think it is because I feel happier that I find it easier to eat healthy and exercise. I know this is the complete opposite to how most people feel, but I find summer depressing because all the fun things that summer brings like the beach, swimming, cute dresses and parties feel inaccessessable to me as a fat person. I know that I can do all of these, but I choose not to because I don't have the confidence.

Here is to this autumn and winter being a successful weight loss time for me so that next summer isn't so horrific!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

10 Week Challenge

That is it. I have decided I need to focus.

I have been fucking around at about the same weight for over a year now and I need to do something. I have set myself a 10 week challenge to lose at least 10 kilo's.

For 10 weeks I am going to increase my exercise, eat healthier and make weight loss my focus. I am going to stop being lazy, stop making excuses and just do this.

Start Day: Tuesday 13th March 2007
End Day: Tuesday 22nd May 2007

Monday, March 12, 2007


Here is some of the things I am loving at the moment:

Reading: The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai

Listening to: Angus & Julia Stone

Watching: Brothers & Sisters

Eating: Raisin Toast

Drinking: Coke Zero

Internet: Weight Loss Blogs

Too Fat To Fly?

So in all of my excitement in booking my first overseas trip I forgot one crucial thing. Will I be too fat for the aeroplane seat? Will I have to buy two tickets? Will I need a seat belt extender?

I have only flown two other times in my life, the first time I went to Sydney and I weighed 96 kilos. I could only just get the seat belt on, but it was digging in like nothing else. I had to position it in between my bottom and middle rolls of fat, what is essentially my thinnest point. It was quite a painful plane ride. The second time I was on a plane I went to Townsville and I weighed 126 kilos and the seat belt did not even come close to fitting me. On the way there I put my jacket over my lap and hoped no one would notice that the seat belt didn't fit. On the way back a lovely and discreet air steward handed me an extender and I was so grateful for her kindness and for not embarrassing me.

I am pretty much resigned to the fact that the seat belt won't fit me, but I am just worried that I will have to buy two seats or that someone will say something to me about weight or no one will want to seat next to me.

I hate how everything is scary and difficult when you are fat.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Finally New Togs

Well I finally bit the bullet and ordered some bathers so that I can start swimming. These are the bathers I bought from the Sara website. I have had my eye on these bathers for a while, but I really wanted something that covered my legs a bit more. I was hoping to find some board shorts to wear with the black top in the set I bought. Unfortunately I can't find any board shorts in fat people sizes, so I am just going to have to brave the briefs!

I am going to swim in the pool at my brother's apartment complex. There is also a pool very close to my work, but one of my colleagues made a very good point that it is not advisable to go swimming in a place that you are likely to run into people from work!

Despite the fact that I used to love the water and swimming, I have not been in a pool in years. I am really scared about starting swimming again but also really excited. I used to spend hours swimming every day when I was younger, before I decided that it was unaceptable to be seen in bathers. I am sure it will be a lot harder then I remember, but I can't wait to give it a try.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Geez, Has It Been That Long!

Did I ever mention I was incredibly lazy? I just couldn't be bothered writing anything lately. I have been pretty tired from working such long hours and still a bit flat with the bad news about my friend's father, so I haven't been feeling very inspired to write anything much. If I did write anything over the past 2 weeks it pretty much would have said:

I got up, went to work, worked 11 hours, came home, ate whatever I could find, then went to bed.

So I didn't want to subject anyone to that sort of boredom, well that is my excuse anyway...

I have still been reading every one's blogs. My beautiful friend Marshmallow introduced me to Google Reader and I am absolutely in love with it. I had no idea that something like that existed, so now I never miss any one's new blog entry. In fact I might be a little addicted!

It is a long weekend here in Melbourne and I cannot tell you how excited I am about it. I am not going anywhere or doing anything, all I want to do is lay on the couch all weekend! Last night after work I went to the footy to see my beloved cats go down to the Brisbane lions in the pre-season semi-final. It was still a good game and I am looking forward to the footy season. I have a friend that works at the Telstra Dome (where most games are played) so I get free alcohol too, so bring on the footy and free beer!

I was surfing the net this morning and watching a DVD of Sex and the City when my mum called and said she was in the city. She lives in the outer suburbs of Melbourne and doesn't venture into the big smoke much, so I caught the tram in to meet up with her and my older brother. We did some shopping and I bought 2 singlet tops to wear under tops, a red cardigan, a mushroom coloured knit hoodie, a pink knit top and a white Bonds t-shirt. So my autumn wardrobe has gotten a bit of an unexpected boost. Apparently I am getting a bonus from work next week, so I have well and truly spent it now!

I started back at uni a couple of weeks ago. I am doing my final class of my Master's. I am so excited to nearly be finished. For some unknown reason my tutor has scheduled the class during the middle of the day. All my other classes have been in the evening, it is a post-graduate course, so it makes sense to do it that way because everyone works. Anyway, my boss is fine we me going during the day, but I find it extremely annoying because I don't have time to miss half a day of work.

Speaking of work, late last year my company was taken over by another company. Everyone has been a bit nervous about their jobs, but I found out a couple of weeks ago that my job is secure. There has been some redundancies and there will be more, but I am safe. We will be moving location, we will stay in Melbourne, but I am not sure where we will move too. The company that bought us also have a Melbourne office, so they are going to merge us all together somewhere. I am a bit disappointed because currently it takes me less then 25 minutes to walk to work everyday and I get to walk through a beautiful park. I shouldn't complain too much thought because at least I still have a job!

My other news is that yesterday, on the spur of the moment, I bought 2 tickets to go to Christchurch in June. I got an email about cheap Jetstar flights and I put the dates of the Queens Birthday weekend in the website and I could get two return flights for $700 all up including all taxes etc, so I thought I should go for it. I have never been overseas before and one of my goals for the year was to go on an overseas holiday. I am going from June 7-12, so it will be freezing! I can't wait. I am giving the other ticket to my friend who lost his father recently and it has put a smile on his face so that is really nice to see.

Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of my grand dad's death and also my younger brother's birthday, so it will be a mixed day.

Now I am going to go and make a home made pizza for tea and relax with a DVD and a glass of wine and maybe a little bit of my favourite Cadbury macadamia nut chocolate! Not exactly the picture of health and fitness, but it is what I need tonight!