Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Won't Miss..


*Just to remind myself why I am doing this*

~ Not being able to reach my toes to paint my toe nails
~ My stomach sticking out of the water when I have a bath
~ Being scared to sit on chairs in case they can't hold my weight
~ Constant back aches
~ Not being able to fit into the biggest size in plus size shops
~ Feeling uncomfortable eating in public
~ Sweat rashes under my stomach
~ My feet aching when I have to stand for any length of time
~ Thinking that every bad things that happens to me is because I am fat
~ Wearing bras that are way too small and roll up my back
~ Plane seat belts not fitting
~ Having no neck
~ Cringing when I see myself in photos
~ Feeling like an elephant during sex
~ Being the 'fat friend'
~ Chaffing
~ Not being able to cross my legs
~ Getting tired and out of breath when walking and hanging out with friends
~ Making a stealth mission out of getting out of the pool so no one sees me
~ Apologising for my existence
~ Being unable to find appropriate clothing in my size for an event
~ Constant fear I will be too heavy/wide/fat/unfit to do something
~ Not being able to bend down to shave my legs in the shower
~ Getting unprovoked weight loss advice from people I hardly know
~ Being worried that work clients and colleagues think badly of me because I am fat
~ Being too fat for amusement park rides
~ The effort it takes to get off the couch at the end of the night
~ Being too unfit to enjoy myself on holidays
~ Feeling like an embarrassment to my family and friends
~ Not being able to wear jeans
~ Being too fat to sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant
~ Wearing ugly underwear
~ My stomach getting in the way when I have to bend over to pick something off the floor
~ Being the fattest person in the room
~ The gown at a day spa not fitting me
~ Self hatred
~ Buying over-priced clothes (that I don't even like) just because they fit
~ Rude comments and ridicule about my size from strangers in the street
~ Being scared to meet new people because I think they won't like me because I am fat
~ My stomach being bigger than my boobs
~ Binge eating in secret
~ Not being able to shop with or share clothes with friends
~ Being embarrassed when having to write down my weight when I donate blood
~ Feeling like I am not entitled to have a seat on public transport because I take up too much room
~ Being overly sensitive to any comments or looks made at my direction
~ Having every doctors visit come back to being told I need to lose weight
~ Feeling anxious and scared all the time
~ Being above the recommended weight on most exercise equipment
~ Feeling older than my age
~ Seeing other people feel embarrassed for me
~ Feeling too self conscious to dance at clubs
~ Not being able to squeeze between two cars in a car park
~ Being too fat for a towel to wrap all the way around me
~ Feeling like I deserve less or that I am stupid because I am fat

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

I had to stay back late at work tonight for a teleconference with our UK office and I asked two of the girls who work for me to join in to gain experience. They are in their early twenties and saw it as a great excuse to hang out and order pizza, which was fine with me too. I tried to order a garden salad, but I saw the look in their eyes and felt like I was being a downer, so it didn't take much convincing for me to cave in and get a pizza.

Anyway, 15 minutes into the conference call we are eating our pizza (as quietly as possible) when one of the girls found part of a clam shell on her pizza. I whispered that it looked like a tooth and for some reason it set us off with the giggles. The more I tried to hold back my laughter, the worse it got, until I exploded and ran out of the room.

I thought I got myself under control, then of course I just had to look at her and we both lost it again and had to run out of the room so that my colleagues in the UK couldn't hear me. I finally went back into the meeting just in time for the meeting chair to say "What about you Tully, how do you handle this situation?". I just looked at the girls and we all burst into hysterical laughter again because we had no idea what they were talking about.

It was horrendously embarrassing and I made a complete fool of myself in front of my colleagues, but it was just what I needed. I haven't laughed until I cried and my stomach hurt in god knows how long. All the way home I was still giggling to myself and I felt almost drunk from the silliness of it all. Even though I got home late, I didn't want the high to end so I decided to do something I haven't done in a very long time. I grabbed my iPod, put it on my 'party' music play list and sweated it out on the treadmill for half an hour. I was singing off key at the top of my lungs and dancing on the treamill.

So I have worked out the secret to weight loss, I just need to laugh more!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Holy Moley

I have been keeping away from the scales lately because I kind of knew there was nothing I wanted to see there. I could tell that I was probably back to the biggest weight I have ever been because I started to feel the same way I used to feel a few years ago when living every day life became a little bit difficult. I almost need a crane to help me get off the couch at the end of the night and walking to letterbox leaves me practically winded.

I decided to face up to the scale on the Monday after Easter (yes, the day after I pigged out on roast beef and chocolate all day) and it seems I have reached a new low. Actually, I should call it a new high because I have managed to surpass my highest ever weight of 128.5 kilos and I am now 129.7 kilos, but let’s not beat around the bush, I am essentially 130 kilos.

To me, 130 kilos was always that weight that I never thought I would get to and I would always be OK as long as I didn’t reach 130. When I first saw the scale it felt like a slap across the face, but strangely enough I haven’t wallowed or felt down about it because I know that I completely deserve to be this weight. I accept that if I constantly eat junk food and do very little exercise for a year, then I will gain an extraordinary amount of weight.

I do feel quite overwhelmed by the number on the scale, mostly because I feel so far away from being at a number in which I feel comfortable in my skin. I really don’t start to feel human again until I am about 110 kilos and I am not comfortable until I am under 100 kilos. I know I just need to focus on some small goals and take it one step at a time, otherwise it will feel too much and I will go hide in a barrel of chocolate.

My first goal is to fit back into the clothes that fit me before Christmas. OK, that is doable.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

30 Before 30

I turn 30 on December 23 2010 and so I have made a list of the 30 things I want to do before I turn 30. They are mostly incredibly shallow and maybe I have been watching too much Sex and the City, but it seems like fun anyway.

This is just about pushing myself to spend the time and money on myself to do all those little things I have always wanted to do and to be the person I thought I would be by the time I am 30!

I would love to know what is on your list as I might just add to mine as the next year and a half goes along.

1. Be happy with my body
2. Get a job I love
3. Live all by myself
4. Get my drivers licence
5. Write a short story
6. Drink a bottle of Moet & Chandon
7. Travel to New York
8. Ride in a limousine
9. Take a pilates class
10. Get a Brazilian wax
11. Pay off my credit card debt
12. Go to an amusement park and ride a rollercoaster
13. Go skinny dipping
14. Spend over $500 on a must have piece of clothing or accessory
15. Wear high heels (successfully)
16. Spend an indulgent weekend at Balgownie Estate in the Yarra Valley
17. Get a radically different hairstyle
18. Buy designer sunglasses
19. Get a spray tan
20. Host a dinner party
21. Learn to ski
22. Give myself an orgasm
23. Buy myself an exquisite piece of jewellery
24. Eat the degustation menu at Vue de Monde
25. Buy salon hair products
26. Spend a day at a spa and wax, cleanse, exfoliate, moisturise and polish every inch of my body
27. Splurge on a concert ticket to a singer/band I really like
28. Buy La Mer face cream
29. Run The Tan
30. Take a class in something new and interesting (ie. cooking, dancing, language)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Happy Long Weekend

I had a blissful long weekend that included good friends, family, food and wine and it doesn't get much better than that!

Thursday night my dad, step mum, brother, his girlfriend and I went to the footy to see Geelong beat Collingwood, which was a brilliant start to the long weekend. Then I hung out with my dad and step mum in their hotel room where we chatted and raided the mini bar until early in the morning.

Friday I had the house to myself for the first time since I moved in last August and it felt very luxurious. I spent the day on the couch eating mini Easter eggs and watching a heap of trashy TV shows that I had saved in my planner (Gossip Girl, The Hills, The Real Housewives of the OC, Bridezillas). Later that night I lit all the candles in my house, opened a bottle of red wine and just enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Saturday I got the train to Geelong to have a girls night in with the girls I used to work with about 7 years ago while I was at uni. One of the girls has lost a stack of weight and another one announced she is pregnant. So it was happy times all around, especially when mixed with a whole lot of gossip and citron vodka with cranberry juice until late into the night!

Sunday I met with a friend for lunch in one of Richmond's great pubs where we enjoyed the traditional parma and pot on a warm afternoon in the sun. That evening all my family came over to my place for my mum's traditional roast beef with yorkshire pudding and gravy and way too many Easter eggs.

Monday was a day to sleep in, relax, clean, do washing and watch a Gilmore Girls marathon. Some time during the day I got a craving for taco's, so me and a my flat mate went into the city to buy taco's and then ate them on a picnic blanket in the Botanic Gardens while the sun set.

Tuesday back to work.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Darwin Photos

I had a lovely and very relaxing few days off while I was in Darwin. The heat was absolutely overwhelming, but I spent 95% of my time swimming in the pool, reading by the pool or drinking by the pool, so it wasn't that bad!

We did take a break from the pool and hired a car and drove up to Kakadu National Park, where I spent the whole time being scared of being eaten by a crocodile. We walked around looking at the amazing Aboriginal rock art and it turns out that wearing thongs, my bathers and a sundress was not appropriate clothing for Kakadu. I also swallowed a fly, which was extremely traumatic for me. This is why I don't get out in nature too often...

I really struggled with my fitness and getting about Kakadu, so I can now add "Go back to Kakadu and go on a hike" to the list of things I want to do that I was too scared/unfit to do when I first visited (along with ski in New Zealand, surf in Hawaii and climb the Eiffel Tower in Paris).

Weight whining aside, I had a truly relaxing time on holidays and it was good to get away from my normal life and put a few things in perspective.

The pool at the hotel

Me kicking back in the pool

Me in the pool feeling 100% relaxed

The view from the pool

Me and AJ stopping for a break on the long road to Kakadu

Me feeling very excited to have finally made it to Kakadu

The view over Kakadu

One of the many swamp areas at Kakadu that I am sure was infested with crocodiles

Kakadu National Park

AJ exploring Kakadu

Ancient Aboriginal rock art

Me trying to ruin AJ's photo

The gorgeous Cullen Bay

Me at Cullen Bay

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Self Abuse

It is no secret that I have been feeling pretty down lately and my weight is one of the contributing factors. I worked so hard over the past few years on losing weight and changing the way I think about myself and my body. I was in a place where I was relatively happy with my body, I was confident, eating good foods, exercising and just generally enjoying life. I don't know why lost control, but I did, and I have reverted to binge eating and self hatred. Over the last week alone I have had some really dark thoughts about myself...

When I got on the plane to Darwin, I realised I couldn't reach the muffin I bought for lunch (because the tray table won't go down and so I can't eat plane food) and the first thing I thought to myself is I don't deserve to eat anything when I barely fit in the plane seat anyway.

During the extreme heat in Darwin my hair started to really bother me and I realised I was quite desperate for a cut and colour. I thought I should book myself in for a haircut while I had some free time on holidays, but then I told myself that I shouldn't go to the hairdressers again until I lose 10 kilos.

The first time I went to the hotel pool I was by myself and I noticed that a lot of people at the pool were from the conference I had just attended for work. I wasn't planning on swimming, but I was wearing a shortish sundress and I felt immediately self conscious. I sat down on the sun lounger and, in my haste to get out of the public view, I cut my leg quite badly on the buckle from my handbag. As the blood poured out, I didn't feel any pain because the embarrassment was stronger, the first thing I told myself was that I am disgusting and I deserved to be hurt.

Don't worry, I know that is very unhealthy thinking and deep down I know I don't deserve less because of my weight. I just need to start treating my mind and body a bit kinder because this abuse is making things worse.

I'll get there. :-)