Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Self Abuse

It is no secret that I have been feeling pretty down lately and my weight is one of the contributing factors. I worked so hard over the past few years on losing weight and changing the way I think about myself and my body. I was in a place where I was relatively happy with my body, I was confident, eating good foods, exercising and just generally enjoying life. I don't know why lost control, but I did, and I have reverted to binge eating and self hatred. Over the last week alone I have had some really dark thoughts about myself...

When I got on the plane to Darwin, I realised I couldn't reach the muffin I bought for lunch (because the tray table won't go down and so I can't eat plane food) and the first thing I thought to myself is I don't deserve to eat anything when I barely fit in the plane seat anyway.

During the extreme heat in Darwin my hair started to really bother me and I realised I was quite desperate for a cut and colour. I thought I should book myself in for a haircut while I had some free time on holidays, but then I told myself that I shouldn't go to the hairdressers again until I lose 10 kilos.

The first time I went to the hotel pool I was by myself and I noticed that a lot of people at the pool were from the conference I had just attended for work. I wasn't planning on swimming, but I was wearing a shortish sundress and I felt immediately self conscious. I sat down on the sun lounger and, in my haste to get out of the public view, I cut my leg quite badly on the buckle from my handbag. As the blood poured out, I didn't feel any pain because the embarrassment was stronger, the first thing I told myself was that I am disgusting and I deserved to be hurt.

Don't worry, I know that is very unhealthy thinking and deep down I know I don't deserve less because of my weight. I just need to start treating my mind and body a bit kinder because this abuse is making things worse.

I'll get there. :-)


  1. Chick I have felt just like you do... I even got to the point of seriously considering killing myself. I was so miserable.
    Please... if you ever feel really really bad.. go to your doctor and get some bloody happy pills! They work!
    Otherwise... pull finger and lose the weight if that is what is making you so darn miserable! Only you can do it.... short of having Gastric Bypass Surgery or similar!
    YOu have to get past the "I hate myself" and into the "I am going to HELP myself" ... only then will you succeed ...

  2. Tully, I have the feeling that post was somehow cathartic for you - that you're trying to make sense of these damaging ingrained responses.

    I realise a lot people might say he's a crackpot, but I'd strongly encourage you to read Paul McKenna's "Change your life in 7 days". I say this coz he talks about some really powerful imaging processes to diminish negative thoughts.

    Sounds whacko - but they really work! If you can't get hold of a copy, I'll send you mine. With a big hug,
    Linda xo

  3. I'm not sure what to say to help any (I never do), but you deserve to be happy (at any weight)! Go get your haircut now and make yourself feel pretty... Go on a long walk with some great energetic music...Cook yourself a fabulous dinner - whatever works. I know you can get through this! And I'll copy what Chris H said and if you don't feel better soon, definitely consider the doctor!
    I hope you wake up tomorrow and know how important you are

  4. I've felt the same way at times. Example, I went to dinner at a fairly fancy restaurant, and the chairs were TINY, even my thinner friends were squeezing into the chairs. What did I do? I ordered a salad and only ate half of it because I felt like such a sausage in the chair.

    We really need to learn to quit beating ourselves up over the things we cant control and learn how to reward ourselves (without food) for our accomplishments. Thank you for being so honest!

  5. I have so been where you are! I am sorry. I wish I could hug you. No one deserves to feel bad in just being in front of people in a dress, and no one deserves a leg gash. And exactly what makes sense about waiting to get a haircut until a certain weight goal??? That one is just strange!

    If you don't love yourself right now, just pretend. Then when it comes, you won't be full of regret at how bad you have been treating yourself.

  6. I'm so sorry you've felt this way. It's a dark place to be :-( The first step is to try and be nice to yourself. Think of yourself the way you would think of your sister or mother. Nurture yourself... I know it sounds new-agey but I really think being happier and healthier starts there.

  7. Babe .....

    I have been there, but I have also been through counselling, am on happy pills (which totally goes against my natural grain of things) and I get by. You are what you think so the longer you think shit about yourself the longer it will remain reality.

    You are beautiful my dear. Don't every think you are not - at any size.

  8. Ah, Tully ((hugs)). Re-iterate Chris H, Brianna & Jules in particular. Please get your hair cut & get out into the sunshine & fresh air over easter.

  9. {{hugs}} I'm so sorry you've been thinking these things. I just hope that the deep-down part of you starts to dig her heels in and help the rest of you to see it. You really ARE worth it!

  10. I wish I could give you a big hug :( And I REALLY wish you could see yourself the way others see you.

    I'm here for you, cheering you on and sending positive thoughts your way.


  11. Tully.... I have always envied the way you look... I think you are a gorgeous person inside and out.. It is hard to see you attacking yourself this way!

    Have you got any close friends you can talk to about this face to face that can help you with how you are feeling...

    I think you are bottling up these feelings and that makes them escalate into issues much biger than they really are!

    We have all been in similar situations with our weight and our self loathing.. You can do something about this... You are strong enough to do this Tully..I believe in you!

  12. It is so hard and almost impossible to stay positive 100% of the time. I am trying to get there too, and trying to find love for my own body unconditionally, no matter my body weight.
    Let's do this together! Hope you are out of the negative thought cycle :>


Awww thanks so much for the comment!