I spent the weekend making lists of things I will need to buy and pack for surgery. I really can't think of anything special I will need so I just picked up a few things:
- Triangle pillow to help me sit upright at home
- New pyjamas and slippers so I look cute in hospital
- A big water jug for home so I can ensure I keep chugging my water
- Benefibre... enough said
- A nice smelling candle and oils for home to drown out my own stench if I can't shower for a while
The closer I get to surgery, the more my nerves are kicking in. So far I am not too nervous about the actual surgery, I am just worried that the surgery will be cancelled for some reason. I had a bit of a scare last week when I felt the signs of an oncoming urinary tract infection. I tried to tell myself that it was just menstrual cramping, but as it got worse I knew I had to see a doctor. I was in so much pain on Thursday night that I couldn't sleep, so I stayed up all night googling the implications of having surgery with an infection or having surgery while on antibiotics. I made an appointment with a doctor first thing on Friday and he confirmed the infection, but seemed to think there would be no problem with having surgery because the antibiotics he gave me will clear it up completely.
I'm also suffering from a bad case of the guilts. I feel guilty for taking 4 weeks off work to have the surgery. I feel guilty that people are going to have to help me so much when I am recovering. I feel guilty that I am spending so much money on myself. Of course I wouldn't feel as bad if it was for a 'legitimate' illness, but because it is elective surgery I feel like I am being selfish.
While I am stressing out here I may as well discuss my next fear. I am worried that I am too fat to have the surgery and when I get out I will still look fat. I was googling different abdominal surgeries over the weekend and everyone seemed so much skinnier than me in their before pictures. Am I crazy to think I was ready for surgery now? Am I going to be disappointed with my results?
OK, deep breath. Everything will be alright.