Thursday, May 28, 2009

Still On Liquids

I still can't get much down, yesterday I had a 200ml juice and half a cup of cream of chicken soup and I was so unbelievably (verging on sick) full. Today I woke up at 4.00am in pain and couldn't get back to sleep, so I had a lindt ball to cheer myself up. Technically chocolate is a liquid... Since then I have had half a glass of juice and the other half of my cup of soup from yesterday. I think I might be able to fit some more soup in for dinner tonight too. The weird thing is that I don't feel like I am losing weight at all, in fact I feel fat, heavy and bloated. I am staying away from the scales for a few more days until I start to feel a bit better.

So, I am not hungry to eat, yet I am obsessing over food. I am making poor AJ fat by giving him all my favourite comfort foods so I can fantasize while he eats them. A couple of days ago I made him a baked potato with coleslaw, cheese, bacon and sour cream and last night I made chicken burritos- and I don't normally cook! Tonight I am ordering Chinese food for him and my mum, just so I can be creepy and watch them eat it. OK, I am not quite that bad, but it is close.

All this lack of sleep and shoulder pain is making me super grumpy too. This morning I snapped at my mum because she told me I looked like I had lost weight and my top was loose on me and last time I wore it, it was much tighter. So she is trying to give me a compliment, yet I snap and tell her that is so mean to make me feel embarrassed that the last time I wore the top it was too small. Oh yeah, I am going a little crazy.

Despite all this, I am feeling strangely positive and excited about the changes ahead. I have spent a lot of time reading (stalking) the back files of lots of lap band blogs over the last couple of days and I can see there is lots of great times ahead.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Surgery Recovery

I am a few days banded now and I am doing ok. I am in a little more pain than I was expecting. I had read about people that walk out of hospital right after surgery and go back to work the next day, so I thought for sure I would be like that... My experience has been quite different, but I am feeling better and better each day.

The main problem has been that I haven't been able to get much liquid down, which means I can't take any pain killers. I am sure I would be fine if I could take some pain killers, but it has been a little tough without them. I have also struggled to sleep because of the pain, which makes me quite sooky during the day.

I am feeling better each day and I have managed to get down about 300ml of juice today, though I feel at bursting point after drinking. I am still not hungry at all and I just can't imagine eating right now. Even though I am not hungry, I still see the ads on TV and think, mmm that looks good, I wish I could eat that. Lucky for me, I can't!

I will be on liquids for two weeks (juice, smoothies, jelly), basically anything that will go up a straw. Then I will be on soft food for two weeks (mashed potato, scrambled eggs, yoghurt). Right now, the idea of scrambled eggs sounds like about the best thing I could ever eat!

OK, back to taking very small sips of my juice.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I'm Banded

I'm back from hospital and everything went well with the lapband surgery.

I went into hospital Thursday afternoon and got settled in my room. It felt really weird to be in hospital when I didn't feel sick. It was lovely to have a large private room and some movies to watch on TV, it was more like a hotel than a hospital really...

The nurse came and woke me up at 6.00am on Friday to shower with special anti-bacterial wash and get in my gown. I waited around my room for about an hour before I started getting visits from nurses and doctors asking me questions and getting me prepared for surgery. Then I was wheeled into surgery and I don't remember anything else until I was in the recovery room with a nurse holding my hand. They took me back to my room and I slept on and off for pretty much the whole day.

Apparently there were no complications with putting the lapband in and they also fixed a hiatus hernia while they were there. I am so pleased to have that fixed because it was causing quite a bit of discomfort lately.

I have 6 small incisions on my stomach where they put the lapband in and it really doesn't hurt that much. Most of my pain is in my shoulder from the gas and my chest from where they fixed my hiatus hernia. It hurts to breath and so I have had to be on oxygen for my whole stay at hospital to keep the oxygen in my lungs.

Around 6.00pm AJ and my dad came and visited me and it was good to have people to talk with so I could get out of my pain killer-induced haze. We just chatted while we watched the footy on TV and it was really nice to have some visitors. Dad drove all the way up from the country just to see me for a couple of hours and then he had to drive all the way home again that night.

I got to come home about 11.00am today (Saturday) and I have set up camp in my room and have mainly been sleeping and hugging my heat pack. OK, that is all I have in me for now. Thanks for all the well wishes, they truly mean a lot to me.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

It's Almost Time

Only one more sleep until my lapband surgery tomorrow morning! I am actually going into hospital this afternoon, in preparation for the surgery very early tomorrow morning. I have a very busy day of client meetings at work and my boss seems to be in denial about the fact I am going on leave, so hopefully I will get to the hospital in time to check in by 4.00pm!

I lost exactly 9.5 kilos on my pre-surgery optifast diet and I am down to 120.2 kilos this morning. I can't wait to get under 120 kilos and completely break away from that god awful decade. I bought new pj's to wear in hospital and I got a size 24-26 because I thought it would be best to get them big so they would be comfortable on my stomach, turns out they only just fit. I still continue to be shocked by just how fat I am! Not for long I hope...

I was on a very weird emotional roller coaster yesterday. Up until now, I had only ever been excited about the prospect of lapband surgery and then all of a sudden I felt teary, scared and stupid all at once. I didn't ever doubt my decision or why I am doing this, it just hit me that this is actually happening. I would be lying if I didn't say that I am somewhat disappointed in myself that I am having lapband surgery. Dealing with the fact that I need help to control my eating has been the biggest issue I have had to come to terms with, but I want a happy and healthy life, so I am at a point where I can finally accept I need help.

OK, *deep breath*, I better get on with it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Pre-surgery Diet

I can't believe I have less than four days until I get my lapband! I am still on the pre-surgery optifast diet and it is killing me. I honestly did not think I would make it through the weekend without a binge. I came very close about twenty times to going and getting my favourite burger from Grill'd. The only thing that stopped me was a nagging fear that if I cheated on my pre-op diet, I might jeopardise my surgery. I know one slip up probably wouldn't make a difference, but I don't really need one more thing to worry about.

It didn't help that I ran out of coffee and strawberry optifast, the only two flavours that are in any way palatable and I was stuck eating the chocolate (or should I say dirt) flavoured optifast. I have ordered more coffee and strawberry shakes, but they won't be here until the end of the week. Sunday afternoon I had enough and we ended up going on a hunt to every pharmacy in the western suburbs to find the coffee flavoured optifast and we did finally find a box, so that has made life much easier. If anyone is doing optifast, I HIGHLY recommend you buy the strawberry and coffee shakes (and I don't normally drink coffee).

My other saviour has been Saxby's diet soft drinks, these are the yummiest diet soft drinks I have ever tried. My favourite flavours are pineapple and cream soda- they are so good. I have one every night and they are the best part of my sad existence at the moment. I think these drinks are going to mix very well with vodka too- once I am finished with my pre-op diet of course!

At the moment I am just having three optifast shakes a day, which I now realise is a diet that the government should use to torture suspected terrorists. All I think about is food all day and all night. If I am watching TV and there is a piece of cake in the background, all I see is the cake and then all I can talk about is the cake (which is probably more tortuous for the people I live with than for me). I have had to ban the TV show Masterchef because they kept cooking with bacon on Friday night and it was enough to make me want to cry. Now I am through the weekend I think I am through the worst of it and no matter how bad this is, I know it will be worth it in the end!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Details


You guys have left me speechless. I did not ever imagine when I wrote my last post about getting a lapband that I would get such an outpouring of kindness and support. I am so lucky to have you guys. By the way, I am such a dork and I printed off your comments because they mean so much to me. I have read them over and over again and they continue to make me smile and cry (happy tears).

Ok, so now you all want to know the details... I am booked in for surgery next Friday 22nd May. Yep, one week and two days away!!!

Before the surgery I have to go on optifast for 2 weeks in order to reduce the amount of fat around my liver and make the operation easier to perform. I am an old hat at the optifast, so I started 3 weeks early and let me tell you, that was a bad decision. For the first 3 weeks I didn't follow it strictly and would eat one or two meals a week during social/work occasions and it was quite easy. Since last Thursday I began following it strictly because that was the date I was told to start the pre-surgery diet. Of course, now that I have to follow it, I don't want to anymore. I am like a child in that way, as soon as someone tells me to do something, I don't want to do it. I am getting through it, but I am about ready to eat my own arm at this point. The good news is that I have lost almost 8 kilos and I am down to 122 kilos and feeling so much better already.

It has been a long process, first you need to attend an information session. I attended two at different hospitals because I didn't like the attitude of the surgeon at the first one. Then I had to speak to my GP and get a referral to see the surgeon. Then I spoke to a surgeon and we discussed the procedure and my eligibility and I said I would think about it and get back to him. When I decided to go ahead I had to see the surgeon again and get blood tests and book a date. Finally, I saw my surgeon last week to check in again and answer any last minute questions and discuss my pre-surgery diet. For anyone that is interested, I am going through The Avenue here in Melbourne and my out of pocket cost will be $3,400 (the rest is covered by private health insurance) and this will cover all follow up.

Please feel free to ask any questions! I'll keep you updated on how it goes, step by step.

I am so excited and completely ready to start my new life.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Big News...

I have made a decision that I am hopeful will change my life for the better. I have decided to have lapband surgery.

For those that don't know much about it, the lapband is a keyhole surgery where they put a band on the stomach to limit its capacity and is completely reversible. I feel like my crash dieting over the last 20 years has been a lot more harmful to my body than this procedure. I have thought about this long and hard over the past year, attended two information sessions, spoken with my doctor, spoken with a surgeon, discussed it with online and 'real life' friends who have had the surgery, read every blog, forum and book on lapbands and I am now 100% happy with my decision to have the surgery. For the first time in a very long time, I am hopeful that I can lose the weight and live a happy, healthy and full life.

All the information that I have read on lapbands say that it is just a tool and if you don't use it properly it won't work. So I do still need to control my diet and exercise, but it will help me control my eating. If you eat the wrong foods or don't keep the band tight enough you won't lose weight and may even gain weight. So I am not expecting this to be easy, but I do think this could help me and I am willing to give it a try.

I have told my mum and dad and they are really happy for me. It really hit home how difficult it is for them to watch me struggle with my weight problems and how heartbreaking it has been for them as well. The only other people I have told are two old girlfriends I used to work with, who both had lapbands done in 1998 and 2001 and both lost a stack of weight. They look FABULOUS, but more importantly, they are happy and healthy and say it is the best thing they have ever done. They are so excited for me and just keep telling me that I won't regret my decision.

Up until last year I didn't ever consider a lapband as an option for me. I thought it was great that my friends had the surgery and were happy with their decisions, but I didn't want or need to have weight loss surgery. To be honest, for me it was a matter of pride and I didn't want to have to admit that I needed help to control my eating. I have always been very independent (some might say controlling) and the idea of asking for surgical help to stop me from over-eating seemed embarrassing and weak. They say that pride comes before the fall and I guess that sums up my past 12 months. I am now willing to ask for help and take a risk in order to give myself the life I want. I am really excited for what this could mean for my future!

I wasn't going to write about this on my blog and I had decided to just delete my blog and hide away rather than face the criticism (I am a bit overly sensitive...). I have noticed a lot of people in the weight loss blogosphere don't agree with weight loss surgery and I really hate to feel like I am letting people down. I am so grateful for the support I have received from the people who read my blog over the past couple of years and I just don't want to disappoint anyone who doesn't agree with my decision. I have been nothing if not honest on this blog (too much sometimes *cringe*) so I really wanted to be truthful about my decision. I just really hope you guys will still be here for me!

*** I probably won't tell my other friends and family, so if we are friends on facebook, please don't mention this. Thanks! :-)

Thursday, May 07, 2009

I Can't Wait To...

Well I wrote of all the things I won't miss when I lose weight and now Jadey has inspired me to write a list of all the things I can't wait to do...

~ Shop, shop and shop some more
~ Give myself a pedicure without damaging my internal organs when I bend over
~ Have awesome, long, crazy sex in all sorts of positions
~ Wear jeans without an elastic waist
~ Run into old friends without wanting to hide
~ Go on hikes with my family
~ Fit into everything in 'normal' shops
~ Zip up killer knee high boots
~ Sit on any seat without fear of it breaking
~ Eat in public without getting those looks
~ Go to the hairdressers and be able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
~ Shop in designer stores
~ Fit comfortably on a massage table
~ Wear stupidly high stilettos
~ Have a summer where I don't get so hot and sweaty
~ Ride a bike
~ Have beauty treatments without feeling fat and disgusting
~ Stop defining myself by my weight
~ Wear sexy (and incredibly uncomfortable) lingerie
~ Have a flat stomach
~ Be fit enough to participate in a team sport or a gym class
~ Use public toilets comfortably
~ Be able to walk anywhere without getting tired
~ Have more confidence in myself and my appearance
~ Sit on someones lap
~ Dance in clubs without looking ridiculous
~ Get up off the floor without using my hands
~ Have the energy to do anything I want on holidays
~ Not worry about dying from obesity related diseases
~ Get on a plane and be able to do up the seat belt and pull down the dinner tray
~ Go to Disney world and ride any ride I want to
~ Stop blaming my problems on my weight
~ Wear a bathing suit with confidence
~ Get a bit of male attention when I go out
~ Wear shorts without them bunching between my fat thighs when I walk
~ Go to job interviews without worrying about my weight
~ Get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me
~ Go to the beach with friends
~ Be able to see my vagina again
~ Feel normal
~ Go to the gym without feeling like an imposter
~ Have someone be able to lift me up
~ Go to any event and not worry about how I look and what I'll wear
~ Be able to do up my bra from the back
~ Go to the footy and feel comfortable in my seat and going through the turnstile
~ Feel, young, pretty and carefree
~ Be able to wear the robes at fancy hotels
~ Run when I want or need to
~ Have girly days with my girlfriends and feel comfortable
~ Have a defined waist, hips and chest
~ Wear skirts in summer without chaffing
~ Meet new people without wondering if they will hate me because I am fat
~ Not be scared of new things
~ Not feel limited by anyone or anything because of my size

Monday, May 04, 2009

Rekindling A Past Love

Over the last week I have rekindled a hot and sweaty affair with an old love of mine...


To be completely honest, I have not exercised (in any consistent or dedicated manner) for over a year. Every time I have exercised I haven't enjoyed it one bit and I have just been going through the motions. I am now back to loving every second of moving my fat arse. I am feeling invigorated on the treadmill again and enjoying pushing myself as hard as I can.

I had to decide to make exercise a priority in my life and that has meant that some other things have had to go. I have finally put my health before work and have cut my hours back to no more than 10 working hours a day (as opposed to 12-18) and I am strict with enforcing this rule. This means saying no to late night meetings sometimes, leaving work at the end of the day when everything is not quite finished and factoring exercise into my itinerary when I travel. I am also cutting back my internet time in the evenings and we all know how hard that can be once we start reading blogs- zap 4 hours have just disappeared!

One of the best parts of exercising is putting on some killer workout music and singing along (badly) as I strut my stuff. So, now I need your help... Can you pretty please tell me your favourite workout songs? My exercise play list needs a bit of work and I would love to hear your suggestions!

Some of the music I am currently jiving to:

~ I Don't Feel Like Dancin- Scissor Sisters
~ Dirty- Christina Aguilera
~ Hot N Cold- Katy Perry
~ Work It- Missy Elliot
~ Just Dance- Lady Gaga
~ Grace Kelly- Mika
~ Take Your Mama Out- Scissor Sisters
~ Toxic- Britney Spears

Friday, May 01, 2009

I Hate Goodbyes

Big sigh.

Today we took my little brother to the airport because he is moving to Canada indefinitely. You may be confused and remember that my brother already lives in Canada, well, that is my older brother. Yes, they now both live in Canada and I am effectively an only child in Australia.

He had a going away party last weekend and I didn't want to go because I felt like, at my current size, I would embarrass him. At the very last minute I changed my mind because he text me and asked me if I was coming to have some beers, so I thought that he might actually want me to go. I am so glad I put myself out of my comfort zone and went to the party, because I had a great time and no one gave a shit about what I weigh (big shock, the world doesn't revolve around me). However, I did have a killer two day hangover to deal with this week...

So now he has gone and I am trying not to get too upset, but I am kind of distraught about the whole thing. I already miss my older brother and I am really going to miss my younger brother. My family are a huge part of my life and I find it hard to believe they are just so far away and we can't hang out anymore. I feel like have lost my best friends.

On the bright side, it gives me the perfect reason to save some money and go on holidays to Canada. Not only that, it is great motivation to lose weight and shock their socks off when they next see me.

But, holy fuck, saying goodbye is just so hard.

Me and my brothers (taken grand final day 2007)