Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Charles Dickens
A Tale of Two Cities


I've read the above quote a lot this year because it has summed up so well how I have felt. I have had some of the lowest times of my life this year, but at the same time I knew things would get better. I knew that this year was about laying the foundations for bigger and better things.

I started off this year at my highest weight ever and with a lot of credit card debt. Funny how when your eating gets out of control it leads to other areas becoming unmanageable. I remember waking up on New Years Day and knowing I had a long road ahead of me to get my life back under control and I am proud of the efforts I have put in to get myself on track to where I want to be.

I have managed to lose about 30 kilos (give or take some Christmas bloat), which has given me back my life in so many ways that I couldn't even begin to list right now. I have also paid off all my credit card debt (about $15,000!), thanks to a couple of good bonuses at work, a pay rise, the stimulus package and a lot of scrimping and saving. Both these challenges seemed insurmountable at the start of the year and it has literally taken blood, sweat and tears, but I know now I have set myself up for the best of times in 2010.

I turn 30 on December 23 2010 (yep, just had my birthday) and I have a lot to tick off on my 30 before 30 list in the next year and I am going to have so much fun doing it. For the first time in a very long time, I am excited about what the future holds.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Wake Me When It's Over

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I may have already mentioned Christmas can be a bit of a rough time for me, so I am counting down the hours until today is over and life can get back to normal.

I am currently holed up in a skanky motel near the country town both my mum and dad live. My mum and gran were supposed to come to my place for Christmas lunch and then my gran was too sick to travel from her nursing home and my mum rang me last night (Christmas Eve) and said she was sick too and couldn't drive down to my place either. So I was kind of screwed because my dad and step-mum have plans with her family all day and both my brothers live overseas. I don't drive, so I tried to book a train ticket home and they were all sold out, so AJ took pity on me and said he'd drive me home that night on his way back to his family home (not that it is on the way). So we hastily packed some bags and set off at midnight after I frantically found the one motel that (very reluctantly) would allow me to check-in in the middle of the night.

The hotel boasts having a pool, so I thought it might be nice to take my big thick chick lit down and sit by the pool in the sun for the afternoon. I went down to the pool, which is located in the car park, and sat down for 2 minutes and watched the rubbish float in the water and then decided that my room was the best option.

Of course there is nothing to eat here and in my haste I only packed a packet of rice cakes. Mmmm, rice cakes for Christmas lunch... well I shouldn't knock it because I was hungry enough to eat the whole pack! Stupidly I decided not to pack any wine, I honestly have no idea what I was thinking, I had my hand on the bottle and I put in down. I just don't know what was going through my mind. Oh the regret...

So my dad and step mum will stop by my motel this afternoon in between their lunch and dinner plans and they seem really annoyed at me because I said I didn't want to go to my step-mum's family dinner with them. I barely know her family (though they seem nice) and everytime I see them they seem quite awkward about my existence, my step-mum is not much older than me and her family are a bit uncomfortable that my dad has grown kids. Plus, last time I saw them I was drunk and kept saying 'cunt' which they apparently found not too pleasant, especially around their grandson...

After my dad and step-mum leave, I am going to visit my mum and order a pizza for dinner- thank christ for pizza hut. She won't be eating because she managed to catch dysentery from an outbreak at my gran's nursing home last week. I thought briefly yesterday that I may have caught it too, but I realised that I was just sick from the amount of chocolate truffles I had eaten. AJ diagnosed me with a case of 'cream-stro' (ie. creamy food induced gastro). I am hopeful mum may have an old bottle of cooking sherry or something I can take back to my hotel room to drink tonight.

Don't worry, I am managing to laugh right now and not cry. There may be tears if I can't get my hands on any alcohol though, even I have my limits.

***UPDATE*** Crisis averted, mum had two bottles of red wine for me. Christmas is no time to be sober.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Hang In There



This has been a long year and thank christ it is nearly over. I am completely at the end of my rope and I'm exhuatsed. I think the long hours at work, travel, surgery and weight loss this year have just left me drained. I have been trying to keep up the exercise, but my body is not a willing participant right now. I physically haven't been able to work out as much as I normally would and even when I do, I haven't been able to put 100% in or even finish the workout sometimes. My body needs a break.

Yesterday was my last day at work for the year and it could not have come quick enough. I was supposed to start annual leave a week ago, but I had to work an extra week at the last minute because we were so busy and every day felt like forever. We had the work Christmas party yesterday and I was so sick of work and everyone I work with that I wasn't sure I would last the day, but luckily people are much more bearable after I have drunk a bottle of wine. So, just like every work Christmas party I have ever been to, I got way too drunk and said a heap of inappropriate stuff that I shouldn't have and I'm having some bad flashbacks today. I guess that is why there is a 2 week break after the work Christmas party, for those of us that are hoping our colleagues will forget what we said and did.

It would be nice to spend the next 2 weeks off work getting lots of exercise in and focussing on losing weight, but I suspect from all the stuff I have on between now and the New Year that weight loss won't be high on the agenda. I think until the end of the year my focus will just be to get some rest, not gain weight and have lots fun!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

'Tis The Season




Does anyone else get anxious around the holidays? I have been feeling really down for the last month and I just couldn't put my finger on why, but I think it is just this time of year. I suffer from quite bad anxiety at the best of times, but team it with holiday related depression and I feel a bit overwhelmed.

I am not normally lost for words, but I have tried to put into words how I am feeling for over an hour now and I just can't find the right way to express why I feel this way. I guess I am trying to say how I feel without being too 'woe is me' because I have a good life and a great family.

I think these feelings get magnified because it is such a busy time of year and we are all exhausted and feel pulled in so many directions. The more I want to hide under my doonah and sleep, the more social events I have to attend and put on a cheery face.

I'm OK, I'll just feel better on 1 January 2010 when all the holiday fanfare is over. Hopefully between now and then the urge to eat my weight in chocolate won't overcome me!

Thursday, December 03, 2009

There's Something Different About You...

After losing 30 kilos, I am just starting to get to the point where people are noticing that something is different about me. I can see them give me the once over as they are talking to me and thinking "she's still fat, so she can't have lost weight, so it must be something else". Then one of the following (all of which I have had over the past month) will pop out of their mouths:

Your dress looks lovely- It's the same dress I have worn to work about once a week for 2 years now.

I love how you do your make-up- Every time I lose weight I get this one, but I have done my make-up the same for about the last 10 years.

You're hair looks great today- All of a sudden my hair looks great, but it's the same hair and same style I had 30 kilos ago.

You look healthy- Hmmm, not quite sure exactly what that means.

Your earrings are nice- The same big silver hoops I have had for 3 years and wear every day.

You have nice eyebrows- Ummm, ok, been plucking them the same way since I was 16.

You look tanned!- Nope, just as pasty white as yesterday.

Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to get such sweet compliments, but it just makes me laugh to hear the hilarious things people come up with rather than noticing that I have lost weight. I know when I was really fat I felt that people didn't truly see me and hearing some of the things people have said to me lately really proves this to be true.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Black Hole

So I had a big song and dance about getting under 100 kilos last week and since then I have fallen into a black hole of fried food and chocolate.

I have only gotten under 100 kilos precisely 4 times in the last 10 years and every time I have seen the number 99 I have started to eat like my life depended on it and gained back all the weight (plus more). Every time.

I knew last week was going to be a tough week, I had 3 major client meetings in 3 different states and a 3 day conference, all within a 7 day period. Basically, it was a months worth of work packed into a week and I was incredibly stressed. I admit that I let the stress get to me and I took it out on the mini bar, the only way I seem to know how...

I am supposed to have my monthly weigh in tomorrow and I just can't do it. I can't bear to see the scale tick back over the 100 kilos so I am going to skip it this month. The good news is that I have 31 days in December to work my arse off and get back under 100 kilos. I am not going to let this beat me again.

Friday, November 27, 2009

A Day In The Life

So Kristy asked me recently to post a typical day of eating now that I have been banded. I know every person that gets banded is different and every surgeon gives different advice, so this is just what I do and not necessarily what you should do!

I eat two meals a day, lunch and dinner, which I know is sacrilege to the typical dieter who believes breakfast is the most important meal of the day! I have never been into eating breakfast, it is just one more annoying thing that I don't have time to purchase, prepare or eat, so I happily gave this away.

I very rarely snack between meals and if I do get really hungry I will eat a piece of fruit. The two meals I eat each day are normally 400-500 calories each, which I just guess as I am going along, because I would rather put hot pokers in my eye than count calories. Both meals I eat are normally quite small in size, though probably bigger than the 1 cup per meal that the surgeon recommends. I don't have much restriction in my band, so 1 cup of food would not satisfy me at all.

Lunch

I don't get very inventive with lunch because I just don't have time to prepare or eat it at work, so I just get whatever is quick and easy.

~ Toasted wholegrain sandwich with tinned spaghetti/baked beans
~ Wholemeal pita wrap with turkey breast and salad
~ Vita wheat crackers with a tin of tuna
~ Sushi roll with salmon

Dinner

I eat out for dinner quite a bit with friends or for work and I generally order the scallops or the fish with a salad. When I am at home, you can pretty much guarantee that one of my stock standards below will be cooked! I like cooking new things on weekends when I have time, but the below are my week day favourites.

I do try to avoid carbs where possible and stick to lean meats and vegetables, but I am not always perfect!

~ Grilled fish with salad or veggies
~ Pita bread pizza with onion, capsicum, olives, chili, feta cheese and bacon
~ Chili con carne with light sour cream and cheese
~ Lasagna (Lean Cuisine)
~ Crumbed chicken breast with steamed veggies and gravy
~ Butter Chicken (Lean Cuisine)
~ Baked potato with coleslaw, bacon, onion, light cheese and light sour cream
~ Quesadilla with chicken mince, spices, onion, capsicum, salsa, light cheese and light sour cream
~ Omelet with spring onion, capsicum, cheese and ham

If I feel like something sweet after dinner I will have one of the following...

~ Chuppa chup lolly pop
~ Light ice cream with a little light peanut butter and light chocolate sauce
~ Nestle diet chocolate dessert pudding cup
~ Weight Watchers hot chocolate pudding with a scoop of light ice cream

I am sure that a lot of people who have been banded can't eat some of the things I eat, but I don't have much restriction in my band and I can pretty much eat anything as long as I eat it slowly.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Skinny Jeans

In my excitement of getting under 100 kilos this week I decided to get cocky and try on my skinny jeans. I bought these jeans the last time I got under 100 kilos and have never worn them because they never fit and then I promptly gained 30 kilos and they sure as hell didn't fit after that!

So I dug them out of the back of my closet and hoped that they might now miraculously slide on over my thighs and hips. No such luck... There was not just a muffin top, there was a 3 tier wedding cake above my waist band!


Check out the gap between the button and the hole, this isn't going to happen over night!


I tried to do them up but I just didn't have the strength.

They are size 20 from Jeans West, but because I carry all my weight around my belly (classic apple shape), getting jeans to fit is almost impossible. If they fit my belly, they will be too big in the butt and legs. Sigh. Hopefully this problem will lessen as I lose weight.

So, as AJ said, why the fuck would you want to post a photo of your gut hanging out of your jeans?! Well, I have a lot of clothes that used to be too small and now fit great, but I struggle to believe that they were ever too small. My head won't believe that I have really lost weight and I think that whatever I am wearing must have always fit me. The mind plays so many tricks when you lose weight. So now I have it on record that these jeans don't fit me, and when they do fit me in the next couple of months (fingers crossed), I can look back and see how far I have come.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

6 Months Ago...

So only 6 months ago today I was in recovery after having lap band surgery and wondering if I was making the biggest mistake of my life (and wanting pain killers). So this afternoon when I realised the significance of today's date, and I had nothing better to do, I found my worst 'before photo' and dressed in the same outfit to take some comparison photos.

The before photo was taken at the start of April 2009 on a holiday in Darwin. My surgery wasn't until May 22nd 2009, but after seeing the photos from this holiday I banned the camera. I was pretty much at my biggest in the before photo and felt horrible the whole time I was away.


April 2009 129.7 kilos - November 2009 99.1 kilos

And some more photos from today in my 'before' outfit...





So I also wondered how much I weighed on this 6 month anniversary of my surgery and for the first time in a very long time I saw a number under 100 kilos...



Please excuse the scabs on my feet, they are a left over dance floor injury from last weekend. I have barely been able to walk all week from the agony of dancing in uncomfortable shoes until 4.00am. Anyway, scabby feet aside, holy fuck! I started to wonder if I would ever see a number on the scale that didn't start with a '1'. In fact, it seems so surreal right now that it really hasn't sunk in yet.

I am finally like the other bandster bloggers that can unequivocally say: getting the lap band was the best decision I have ever made.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Lap Band Quiz

The gorgeous Cara from The Dash posted this bandster quiz on her blog, so I thought I'd do the same. If you're banded and you do the quiz too, let me know because I'd love to take a look!

1. How long have you been banded?
5 months and 25 days exactly

2. What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now?
My highest weight was 129.7 kilos (285 lbs)
My current weight is 100 kilos (220 lbs)

3. What is your best "go-to" food to get in your protein?
Um, I don't normally worry too much about eating protein, but I guess I would say eggs or fish.

4. What is your favorite protein brand/shake?
Coffee flavoured Optifast- but using the word 'favourite' is quite a stretch...

5. What food do you miss the most now being post-band?
I can pretty much eat everything I could before I was banded. I haven't tried steak, but I rarely ate it anyway. I love food too much to have my band tight enough to stop me eating anything I love.

6. What is your favorite "mushy" food?
Mashed potato with gravy.

7. What was your worst PB experience?
Twice now while I was enjoying a nice meal with family and friends in very nice restaurants I have had things get stuck, which really upsets me to be causing a fuss while everyone is trying to have a nice time. I hate that people feel bad for me and awkward about the whole thing.

8. What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you?
Not being able to eat when I want to is very tough for an emotional eater.

9. What is your best NSV to date?
Picking up a cute size 16 dress from Target a couple of weeks ago for only $20. I don't usually get a bargain when I am shopping and certainly not anything in a size 16! Disclaimer: It was stretchy and a 'big' size 16.

10. What is your top non-weight goal for your band?
To be able to wear clothes from normal shops and to be able to run 5km.

11. What is your goal weight or size?
I have never been skinny, so I'm not sure. Sometimes I think 65 kilos would be good, but 55-60 kilos would be better for my height. I will be happy when I feel fit and healthy though.

12. What band "rule" do you live by (i.e. don't cheat on)?
Eating 2 small meals a day with no snacks, but I couldn't say I am 100% perfect with this, we all have our moments!

13. What band "rule" do you not follow as much or aren't so good at?
I was never given any rules (or advice really) to follow, so not sure what rules I am breaking. Maybe that I am not getting enough fill in my band to give me restriction, I prefer to keep it looser than it should be.

14. What is your goal "reward"?
My health and happiness- I know it is corny, but it is really true. Maybe I'll splurge on a killer outfit, champagne and weekend away too of course!

15. In the spirit of Thanksgiving being right around the corner (US), what are you most thankful for, post-band?
That I have lost almost 30 kilos (66 lbs) and re-gained my life. I also know that life will just keep getting better from here on.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Every Calorie Counts

I secretly stepped on the scales before I jetted off to Auckland because I just wanted a sneak peak on how my weight was doing and I was THRILLED to see that I weighed exactly 100 kilos. So that meant I just had to do ok this week and lose a few hundred grams and I would be under 100 kilos for the first time in ages.

Suffice to say, I haven't had the best week. I have made a lot of bad choices, but I have made some good choices too, so I am not going to be too hard on myself. I have kept my exercise up and I went to the supermarket and bought some healthy food for meals and snacks. So I have limited the damage and it makes me happy to know that I always maintain some sense of control over my eating these days.

Since I started this whole thing in April this year, I can honestly say that I have never felt completely out of control of my eating. I have eaten a lot of things I probably shouldn't have, but that is just life and I love food and that is never going to change.

I know a lot of bloggers have inspirational sayings and motto's they follow that help keep them on track (check out Tania's from Sunday). I accidentally started my own little mantra over the past 6 months. Often in the past I would go out for dinner or drinks and then come home and eat more- because I had already gone off plan. Now I just repeat to myself that every calorie counts. So, I don't have to finish every meal, I don't have to eat dessert just because everyone else is or finish a bottle of wine because there is only one glass left-- because every calorie counts. So this week when I have made some bad choices with food and I questioned if I should still bother going to the gym or if I should just eat another chocolate bar, I just told myself that every calorie counts and kept going. I'm like a broken record, but it has really helped me.

Here's to getting under 100 next week...

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Melting

This little heat wave we are having in Melbourne has made something really clear-- I need more friends with air conditioning!

Stupidly, I spent the afternoon in my sauna (lounge room) tackling a mountain of ironing I have been putting off for a month. I think I sweated off a least a kilo. It had to be done though, some of the clothing combinations I was putting together last week were questionable at best.

Lucky for me, I am jetting off to New Zealand tomorrow, where the top temperature all week looks to be 17 degrees. Thank christ, I am not ready for this heat before we even hit summer. I'll be back Friday night and it looks like it will still be hot all next weekend too, but a short reprieve will be nice.

I know most people feel more motivated to eat better and exercise during summer, but I seem to be the opposite. I had planned to go to the gym today, but I felt too drained (ok, and maybe slightly hung over) to be bothered. I am also really struggling with the urge to order pizza for dinner because I just couldn't be bothered cooking. I still feel like eating though...

It looks like it is going to be another long hot summer so I am going to have to learn to deal with the heat and stop being a sook. Hopefully as the kilos come off, it'll keep getting easier.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Life's Sweet

Things have been good with me lately. I feel weirdly happy for no reason and that happy feeling just won't go away.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my body and mind. I don't feel scared of life anymore and I suddenly feel like I have a lot to look forward to again.

I look forward to every part of my life right now... even the mundane...

~ talking with friends & family
~ busting a move at the gym
~ soaking up the sun on my lunch break
~ work (seriously)
~ reading blogs in bed
~ watching my favourite TV shows
~ cooking delicious food
~ walks around the lake
~ grooving to my ipod
~ eating juicy summer fruits

Everything seems sweeter when you feel good about yourself.

OK, so I will never be the kind of person who is chirpy and positive about everything. A healthy amount of cynicism and sarcasm can be good-- otherwise no one would want to be around me! But I have to say, this is the best I have felt in years.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

November Weigh In

Well my 1st of November weigh in went a lot better than I was expecting and I think it has a little to do with all the alcohol I have consumed over the past 3 days that has left me a little dehydrated. Hey, whatever works in getting those numbers on the scale down... ;-)

November 1st Weigh In: 101.5 kilos (223 lbs)
Weight Lost In October: 4 kilos (8.8 lbs)
Total Weight Lost: 28.2 kilos (62 lbs)


I am close to reaching two major milestones, getting under 100 kilos and losing 30 kilos. This is the time that I often drop the ball and get comfortable so I need to be extra focused over the coming months. Now will be the time when I'll see if getting the lap band will not only help me to keep this weight off, but also continue to lose more weight.

I am really nervous about the month ahead though because I have a lot of travel for work (Auckland, Sydney, Perth, Canberra) and a lot of work lunches and dinners. I think I could comfortably maintain if I make sensible choices and try and fit in exercise at the hotel gym, but I don't want to just maintain, I want to blast my way under 100 kilos before summer. So this is going to take some supreme effort, but I know I can do it.

OK, I am going to get to the gym before it closes and get a head start on my December weigh in!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Update For No Reason

Now that I have found I can blog at work again, I thought I'd take advantage and talk some more crap.

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I found my camera. I bet you didn't know (or care) that I lost my camera back at the start of May when I took my brother and his girlfriend to the airport. I never lose stuff, so I was quite perplexed, but I found it in the back pocket of the car seat last week. So this means I will have lots of photos to post again. It is funny that I lost my camera when I was at my biggest weight (when I wouldn't dream of having a photo taken of me) and then I found it when I am feeling better about myself. If I was religious at all I would say something about god giving us what we need, but I'll just put it down to a happy coincidence.

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So everyone wanted to know if The Time Traveller's Wife was a good movie and I can say that I do recommend it. I have read the book, but it was so long ago that I can't quite recall how close it keeps to the story line. I will say that AJ was almost sobbing by the end of the film, so take your tissues! Honestly, I can't take him anywhere...
Over the last week I also saw Julie & Julia and Couples Retreat and I enjoyed both, but I always like the movies I see at the cinema because it is such a fun experience.

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I have my end of the month weigh in happening this weekend and I am not feeling good about it. I just have a feeling that it hasn't happened for me this month and there have been far too many meals out (mostly small portions) and not enough exercise. I also have lunch out today and tomorrow for work and dinner out Saturday night. The good thing is that it doesn't bother me too much. In the past I would have tried to cancel any social events that interfere with the scales, but I feel confident that I will get the end result in the long run and I can have some fun along the way.

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Do you have a favourite pump up song? I have noticed that every time I am at the gym and feeling slightly flat or like I can't be bothered, when I put on Stronger by Kanye West it just lifts me. I cycle twice as fast or I can lift twice as much and I feel amazing. We all know Kanye is a dick, but he makes some good work out music.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Few Things

Well I just discovered I could blog again from work, so why the hell not?! So here are a few things...

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The exercise challenge is going well, but it has already been harder than I thought it would be. The first day was Sunday and I spent the whole day cleaning the house, doing washing, moving furniture around, grocery shopping and cleaning AJ's car (don't be jealous of my glamorous lifestyle). So by the end of the day I was rooted and couldn't be bothered exercising. At about 8.30pm I dragged my arse off the couch, because there was nothing on telly anyway, and went for a 35 minute walk around the neighbourhood. It was so boring, my neighbourhood is not the most interesting or pretty place to walk around. I am starting to regret that I sold my treadmill last month on ebay...

Then Monday I was busy all day and knew I wouldn't be able to get to the gym, so I got out of bed extra early and went for a walk around Albert Park Lake before work. I can now officially say that I am not a morning person. Getting up early and going to work is one thing, but being active is a whole different kettle of fish. My body is still sore because it wasn't warmed up and it was just too much activity, too early in the morning for this old thing.

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Last night I went to see The Time Traveller's Wife at the movies because I won tickets to a special advanced charity screening. I am a competition fiend and this was the first time I have actually won anything. Unfortunately I proceeded to eat my weight in popcorn and rocky road chocolate and I still feel bloated today. I am not going to the movies again until I can control my eating at them just a little bit. I also saw one of the couples from Beauty & the Geek there and they looked very much a couple! Never in my life have I seen a shorter skirt and higher heels...

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My good friend had her first little bubby last week and I went to visit her at the hospital in Geelong when she was less than 24 hours old. She really was gorgeous, but the real point of posting this photo-- I don't look hideous. It's nice to be able to see a photo from a special event like this and not feel like I want to rip it to shreds.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Exercise Challenge



For a few months after I joined the gym in June this year I was doing great with exercise. I was going to the gym 5-6 times a week and I never ever considered not going, it had become a habit. Unfortunately it didn't last long. Some time away while I travelled for work and a back injury has kept me away from the gym and even though I am feeling heaps better now, I haven't got my gym mojo back.

This has been reflected on the scales and my weight hasn't really been budging much without the exercise. Being a bit slack with exercise has had a knock on effect with my eating as well and I have started to add in a few un-necessary treats. I am taking the bull by the horns and I am committing to exercising every day for the next 7 days. I will finish the month of October 2009 with a bang and hopefully get the scales to budge before my November weigh in.

I decided I need to blog this goal right away, otherwise I will wake up late on Sunday morning and decide to start Monday, then Tuesday and then I'll just push the thought right out of my mind altogether. I don't normally feel the need to exercise every day and I normally hate feeling I must do something, but I thought this might almost be a fun challenge. Almost...

Friday, October 23, 2009

Hello Sunshine

I had to fly up to Brisbane for lunch with a client on Wednesday and coincidentally, AJ had to come to Brisbane the same day for his work. So I decided to hang around in sunny Brisbane for a couple of days after my meeting and have a little break while he was here working.

First thing first, my lunch meeting. I can't tell you how nervous I was about this meeting because I was so scared I was going to get something stuck in my band and I couldn't exactly just leave the table for 20 minutes while I tried to get it out. I was more nervous because my meeting was happening as soon as I got off the plane and I have heard that flying can tighten the band. Everything went ok and I had nothing get stuck in my band. I ordered the salmon (which I always order) and I just ate ridiculously slow. So slow, in fact, that I was only a quarter through my meal when the meeting was finished and it was awkward when my client offered to hang around while I finished my meal!

So with work out of the way I have been having a very decadent few days. I took all your advice from my last post and went shopping! I know a lot of people losing weight give themselves rewards as they lose weight, but I haven't done anything so far. Money has been tight lately and I really couldn't justify splurging just to celebrate a bit of weight loss. I threw caution to the wind this week and gave my credit cards a work out.

It started with a chaffing incident that made me realise that I was going to have to do a bit of shopping because the skirts and dresses I had brought with me to wear were not going to work out with my red raw thighs. It has been so long since I have been shopping that I actually had no idea what size I was, so I had to take 3 different sizes of everything into the change rooms with me. Of course I was a different size in almost everything I tried on, so I am none the wiser...

In the end I bought a couple of cute tops that were on sale for $30 each because I just wasn't willing to spend $90 - $180 each on the other clothes I tried on, even though there was some lovely stuff around with spring racing carnival and party season upon us. To solve my chaffing problem cheaply, I purchased some bike shorts from target for $12. Oh yeah, I am one classy chick. I figured I will probably need them if I want to wear dresses comfortably as summer hits Melbourne over the next few weeks. Let's hope this is the last summer of chaffing!!!

After I had done my shopping yesterday, on a whim, I decided to see if a hair salon in the mall had a walk in appointment available for me to get a cut and colour (after seeing how bad my hair looked in those 3-way mirrors in Myer). My hairdresser also gave me some gorgeous wispy curls as he styled it at the end and I felt a million bucks. Then I found a nail salon to get a spa pedicure, which was the best pedicure I have ever had in my life, I think I am going to become addicted to pedicures this summer. After all that pampering I went back to my hotel room and put on my new top, some new $5 earrings from Diva and some make-up and I was ready to meet AJ for a lovely Turkish feast and bottle of wine on Southbank for dinner.

Now I am going to check out of the hotel, get some lunch and go and see a movie before I head to the airport to meet AJ for our flight home this evening. It has been a lovely couple of days and just what I needed to revitalise after being unwell and super busy at work over the past few weeks. I don't expect to see any damage to the scales because I have been awesome with my eating and walking everywhere, fingers crossed I am right!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What Am I Afraid Of?

I have been on many a diet in my life and one of the most motivating part of losing weight is when your old 'too-tight' clothes start fitting again. I would be on a diet for less than a week before I started trying on my skinny jeans, just to see if they are getting closer to fitting. Most Saturday mornings I would pick out my favourite skinny clothes and debate in front of the full length mirror whether or not I could get away with it yet. I would do this for hours and have a lot of fun doing it because, for me, clothes are very motivating.

So why is it this time I have an aversion to trying on any of my skinny clothes? I have lost 25 kilos and I am still wearing the same clothes I wore at my biggest. I am very lucky that Couch Potato generously sent me her old 22's and 24's as she has shrunk, so I have plenty of clothes, but even I have to admit that they are starting to get too big for me now.

I have lots of gorgeous clothes in size 20 that I am really looking forward to wearing again and I suspect that many of these will fit me now, but for some reason I don't want to wear them. I feel almost scared to take that step into smaller sizes. I don't even want to try them on and I am not quite sure what I am afraid of.

Even as the numbers on scales have dropped, I have been a downer and not celebrated my losses, because I don't want to get ahead of myself. I am not sure if because deep down I feel that this lap band is my last chance at weight loss and I am scared to get excited about losing weight because I am scared I am going to fail again.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sticky Situation

I have been dreading the first time I would get something stuck in my band while in the presence of other people. I have been really careful up until now with the kind of foods I will eat in company because I am petrified of getting stuck in front of someone else. For instance, I was having drinks at a friends house on Friday night and she kept offering to order pizza or chinese for dinner and I refused because I knew that there would be a good chance of getting that sort of food stuck-- especially when I am drinking and not being quite as careful as normal.

Then yesterday AJ and I went to Daylesford to meet my dad and step mum because they had a holiday house there for the weekend. We spent hours in their outdoor hot tub in the steaming hot water while it was icy cold outside. Then we got dressed up to the nines and went to the Lakehouse for dinner. I have been wanting to go to the Lakehouse for years and it was just as spectacular as I thought it would be, just one little problem, I got my dinner stuck.

Normally, if I am careful, I can eat anything. I started with some bread, then had a delicious entree of scallops, sashimi, kingfish and tempura oysters. It was the main of blue eye fillet and wagyu cheek that got stuck somewhere. I had to excuse myself 4 times in a 20 minute period to try and bring it back up. I couldn't eat my dinner and in the end I ate less then 1/10 of the meal. I could see the whole thing made everyone feel awkward and I felt mortified by creating the disturbance and the fact I wasted a VERY expensive dinner.

I did eventually get whatever was stuck out and I could have cried with relief. I was able to continue on and eat a delicious tasting plate for dessert that included vanilla bean creme brulee, gingerbread ice cream, espresso granita, chocolate fondant, mandarin pannacotta (and more that I can't remember). The petite fours were equally delectable with salty chocolate fudge, chili chocolate nuts, home made marshmallow and caramel popcorn-- all of which I can eat with ease thank god. I love dessert!

I know I should be grateful that this band has helped me lose over 25 kilos and enabled me to spend the afternoon in the hot tub without feeling totally self conscious and slip on a lovely black dress for dinner, all of which would have caused me to panic previously. But I hate the fact that it can cause embarrassing situations and ruin what otherwise would have been a lovely night. Now I have to fly to Brisbane next week for lunch with a client and I am petrified that something like this will happen again.

I definitely think I don't want too much restriction in my band. I am happy to have just enough to stop me from binging all the time, but while I work in a job where I eat with clients regularly, I am going to keep the band loose enough to eat normal food comfortably. I know that means I am going to have to exercise a lot willpower and self-control, but that is my choice for now.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Sweet Tooth



I have never had a huge sweet tooth. My downfall has always been savoury- pizza, burgers, chips, any take away really. I can still eat all these things with my lap band, but I have to eat them so slowly that I don’t get the same enjoyment that I used to get from them. I knew this would be the case before I got the lap band and I was looking forward to it because I value my health much more than a bowl of hot chips!

What has surprised me is just how much my tastes have changed and I have started to crave sweet foods- chocolate, ice cream, biscuits. I could eat them all day and still not feel satisfied, but luckily I haven’t been! The closest I came was one night when I bought a block of marble chocolate and I ate half the block in less than 5 minutes and I only stopped because I was meant to be sharing it with AJ. At a work lunch the other day, I asked (half seriously) if it would be weird if I ordered a dessert instead of a main...

I did know that a lot of lap banders struggle with eating junk food like this after having the surgery because it is easy to eat and slips right through the band. For me, I enjoy the ability to eat mindlessly, and I can only do this with foods like chocolate and popcorn. As everyone says, having the band doesn’t solve the emotional issues, I still want to eat for comfort. This has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced with the band over the past month and it is something I am going to have to keep working on. Right now I am stocking up on chuppa chups, low fat pudding and low fat popcorn and doing my best!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I got chills, they're multiplyin'

I haven't been feeling the best over the last week. My back has been sore for a while now and then on Friday, right before a Very Important Meeting, I was cleaning the conference table at work and put my back out completely. Then I had to sit through the 8 hour meeting and pretend nothing was wrong. Though I might have looked weird when I was constantly asking my colleagues to pass things to me or plug things in for me or when I had to ask someone to pick up my handbag for me at lunch...

I thought that was bad enough, then one of my wisdom teeth got infected on Saturday. This happens quite regularly because I need all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out, but it is going to be $2000 out of pocket to get this done, and I just don't have that kind of money right now. So this time it got so badly infected that I got sick, chills, fevers, nausea, dizziness and shaking for the past 3 days. I got some antibiotics from an incredibly unhelpful doctor who wanted to give me antidepressants, even though I had no symptoms of depression...

I am just starting to feel slightly better today, but I have taken the day off since I was up all night dripping in sweat. I'll definitely go back to work tomorrow, mostly because I have a midday appointment with my lap band doctor, which is right by work. I am dying to get some more restriction in my band because I am still able to eat far too much, I really can't remember the last time I felt full. These small portions are killing me!!!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Come On!

Woo hoo, someone noticed my weight loss today!

For the first time since I started this whole weight loss thing in April, someone (who doesn't know I have had the lap band) asked me if I had lost weight. Of course my mum and dad have both said I am looking slimmer and you lovely bloggers have given me some awesome compliments too, but you all know I had the lap band and that I am losing weight. So I was blown away when the only guy in my office told me that he thought I had lost weight. Who says guys are un-observant!

I was actually starting to wonder if I was dreaming that I had lost almost 25 kilos because I am still wearing most of the same clothes and no one has commented on my weight loss. I know the next 5-10 kilos I lose will make a real difference now I have lost some of my bulk. I have to keep working hard because my motivation and focus are really slowing down and I am letting a few bad habits creep back in.

I just have to keep my eye on the prize-- getting under 100 kilos by summer.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Footy Grand Final

I may have mentioned one or two times that I am a big Geelong supporter and have been thrilled that they have made the grand final the last three years and I have celebrated and commiserated over the past couple of years. This year both my brothers are in Canada, so I went home to the country to my dad's house to watch the game with my family there. I was actually meant to catch a flight to Cairns that day, but as soon as Geelong beat Collingwood in the finals, I was on the phone to Qantas to change my flights!

I was so nervous during the game that the drinks went straight to my head and I made a bit of a cock of myself. Let's just say there a few extended family members I will be avoiding this Christmas. AJ even got some photos of my dad holding my hair back while I vomited... they were immediately deleted. But who cares, I had fun and Geelong won, so it was an awesome day!

My dad lives 3 hours away and my flight to Cairns was re-scheduled for 9.30 am the next day, so AJ volunteered to drive me to my dad's and back home again that day. He is so lovely and knew how much I wanted watch the game with my family (who are huge Cats fans) and that I would need some drinks to calm my nerves. I think I was still drunk on the flight to Cairns the next morning, but was well and truly hung over by the time I got there and had to move heavy boxes at a conference. It was fair to say I wanted to die and I was treated to a lovely 2 day hang over.

But who cares, because we won!



Me with the Cats flag outside my dad's house


The boys playing footy at half time


AJ and his lucky footy


Celebrating the win


I got so excited after we won that I tried to put on my brothers old footy jumper, um no, didn't fit...


Me and my dad. Dad was putting wood on the bonfire, not just waving wood for no reason.

Friday, October 02, 2009

October Weigh In

I am a day late with my monthly weigh in because I didn't get home from Cairns until last night. I am really happy with the results this month, especially given that I have been away all week.

October Weigh In: 105.5 kilos
Weight Lost In September: 4.1 kilos
Total Weight Lost: 24.2 kilos


It was a tough week. I am (mostly) fine when I am at home and have my routine, but when I travel for work I fall apart and go back to binge eating. I have been in my job for almost 2 years and every trip I have ever gone on for work has been a disaster in terms of controlling my eating. I pack my gym clothes and runners on every trip (which takes up a lot of room) and I could count on one hand the amount of times I have used them.

As soon as I got to Cairns, I knew I wasn't going to be able to be as careful with my eating as I am at home. I could have gone to the supermarket and stocked up on fruit and healthy food to eat, but when I am surrounded by lovely restaurants and my work is paying, well I am going to take advantage! One of my (many) problems is that I just love food and eating out is probably my favourite hobby. The good thing about having the lap band is that I was able to enjoy some really nice food, but I just kept my portions small and I didn't feel deprived.

I made a few rules for myself, I wanted to stick to 2 meals a day (lunch and dinner) with no snacking and I wanted to exercise every day. I packed my gym clothes (as usual) and didn't use them (as usual), but I did get some use out of my bathers. I went swimming every day for between half an hour and 45 minutes, so I am hoping I burnt a few hundred calories doing that.

Sticking to my eating rules was a bit harder... I was at a conference all week and they wheel out cakes, pastries, slices, biscuits and scones at every morning and afternoon tea break. It was so hard to resist, but I knew that I was saving thousands of calories and I could indulge at dinner time with some good food and wine without guilt if I stayed away from the snacks.

On one day I even bought a giant blueberry muffin from a cafe and then half an hour later I threw it in the bin without so much as taking a bite. Later that night while I was watching TV I got up and got some tim tams out of the mini bar, held them, and then put them back. Then at the airport yesterday, I bought not 1, not 2, but 3 chocolate bars, then realised it was a mistake and threw them away. OK, I wasn't always that good, there was the night when after going out for dinner I felt unsatisfied and went back to my room and ordered a cheese platter and a slice of cheesecake...

I have to say that I am pretty happy with how I did on this trip, but I have room to improve on my next one. I have a lot of travel over the next 2 months and if I want to stay on track to meet my goals for the year, then I need to keep improving.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Smell The Roses



Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognise how good things really are.

~ Marianne Williamson ~


saturday

a road trip back home to the country
my mum's home made chocolate chip cookies
talking with my brothers in canada
geelong winning the grand final
a bonfire with family & friends
champagne
late night maccas

sunday

getting upgraded to business class for my flight
arriving in sunny cairns from cold melbourne
catching up with old colleagues at a conference
swimming in the pool of my 5 star resort
room service fish & chips
snuggling in my king size bed with a movie

monday

getting an unexpected pay rise and promotion at work
reading in the sun
delicious dinner and wine by the water
a stroll along the marina
live music by the delightful emma louise
vodka, cranberry & lime
a balmy spring evening
caramel mudcake ice cream cone


What a wonderful life! I only wished I realized it sooner!

~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette ~

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Lap Band- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (& The Awesome)

THE GOOD
- I no longer binge eat
- I am less dependent on food
- I now choose quality foods over quantity
- Feeling full after eating a quarter of what I used to
- Wanting to chow down on a big burger but not being able to

THE BAD
- The length of time before I had any restriction (will power is not my strong suit)
- Realising this is harder than I thought it was going to be
- Being worried I am going to get food stuck in public
- Hiding the surgery from most friends/family/colleagues
- Wanting to chow down on a big burger but not being able to

THE UGLY
- Getting food stuck in the band (scary)
- Gas shoulder pain after surgery
- Pre and Post surgery diet
- Constipation
- Hair loss

THE AWESOME
- I have lost over 20 kilos!!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Home Alone

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that my mum moved in with me last Decemeber. Yep, that's right, I'm 28 years old and my mum moved in with me. She is quite a character, definitely not your average mum, and our personalities clash a little bit. Not only that, but she doesn't work, so she was home ALL THE TIME.

Anyway, it was a sometimes challenging situation, but I am glad I could help her out when she needed somewhere to stay. The thing that kept me sane was remembering what a friend of a friend said when we were discussing the fact my mum was about to move in with me. She wasn't aware that my mum has bipolar and can't work and said "why on earth would your mum want to move in with you, wouldn't she want to have her own place and some security at her age?". It made me realise that this was much harder for my mum than it is for me.

So she has got a new place with a friend in Shepparton and on the weekend AJ and I packed her stuff into a truck and took it to her new place. I thought I would be happy to have my house back, but I kind of feel like my kid has moved away to go to college. I am all worried and nervous for her that she is on her own again and my house feels very lonely without her here.

Looking on the bright side, I am enjoying being able to walk around naked at home again!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Progress Pictures

Well, it was about time I took some more snaps to see if I am making much head way in this battle of the bulge.

To protect your eyes I have kept the photos small, double click on the image below for a bigger view, if you dare... Apologies in advance.



Left: Tuesday 14th April, 129.7 kilos
Right: Thursday 17th September, 107.1 kilos


Wow, I can't believe how horrible I look in those photos. How did I let myself get like that? It really goes to show how far I still have to go too. Here's to getting rid of the next 20 kilos and never going back!

Oh, and I promise next time I post some pictures I'll put on a little make-up and do my hair, I'm not doing myself any favours with that look.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Working 9 To 5

You know that feeling of dread that comes over you about 5.00 pm on a Sunday when you realise the weekend is over and you have another week at a soul sucking job? Well that feeling has been creeping up earlier and earlier lately, seemingly in direct relation to how much I don't want to go to work. A few weeks ago I woke up on Saturday morning and felt instantly depressed that it was 8.00 am and I hadn't done anything exciting with my weekend yet and that it was practically over and the count down to the next weekend would begin. A little extreme perhaps?!

I knew I hated my job the first day I started and one clue to this is that I started buying lotto tickets for the first time in my life. I know I'll probably never win, but I just need the hope. I was talking with friends the other day about how much money you would have to win before you would quit your job. Most people said 1 or 2 million dollars, I said $5000 and I would be out the door.

The thing is, it isn't just this particular job I hate, I just don't like working 9-5. I find it majorly depressing that I spend at the very least 8 hours a day at work, 2 hours a day travelling to and from work and an hour getting ready for work. Why does my life revolve around something I don't care about? Why do I put all my energy and creativity into a job that doesn't give a shit about me? Why do I sit in traffic for 2 hours a day like a fucking idiot? Why do I work just to pay bills? Why do I have to get up when I still want to sleep? Why do I have to take crap from rude clients and moronic colleagues?

I am not sure I want to participate in this cycle that everyone seems to think we have to do. Go to uni, get a job, buy a house, live happily ever after. It is making me feel claustrophobic.

I need more.

When did I start going to bed at 10.00 pm? When did I stop going to protest rallies? When did I start using wanky phrases like 'moving forwards'? When did I start voting Labour? When did I wake up and realise I had nothing in my life except work? I know this is probably just a quarter life crisis, which just makes me even more average.

I still want to be rich and famous!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The Band So Far

I did a lot of reading and thinking about getting the lap band before before I went ahead with it. I thought I knew everything there was to know and what to expect, but it has still surprised me.

I don't really have the restriction I thought I would get from the band. I do follow my doc's instructions and eat only 2 small meals a day, but it doesn't keep me as satisfied as I thought it would. I don't ever get half way through dinner and then stop because I am so full. I guess I must still need more restriction put in the band, but at the same time, I don't want it to get too tight so that I have trouble swallowing certain foods. My biggest nightmare is that I would have to run out on a work lunch because I got some chicken caught in my band, so I am happy to take it slow.

The biggest way I can say that the lap band has helped me is that it has stopped my binge eating. I can still eat more than I should, but I generally don't because it is just too difficult. As soon as I think about ordering a pizza or buying a burger, I know there is no point because I'll have to take very small bites and eat it very slowly. It kind of takes the joy out of biting into a big juicy burger with the lot.

I can't lie and pretend that it doesn't make me sad that I can't kick back with a DVD while I mindlessly shove an Aussie pizza down my throat. I know it sounds gross, but I enjoy having the occasional pig out at home alone in my pj's. I could still eat an Aussie pizza, but it would take so long to eat that I just couldn't be bothered. I know it is probably for the best, but I do mourn my greasy food binges.

So while for the majority of the time I still have to watch every calorie I eat, use good old fashioned willpower and work my arse off at the gym, when it come to binging, the lap band has been my saviour.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

More Humiliation

Yesterday I thought I would get up early and go for a walk around Albert Park Lake and then head to the South Melbourne Market to stock up on fruit and veg for the week. What better way to start the weekend? I was walking for less than 5 minutes when I tripped on a tree root and went flying onto the ground with all my weight landing on my sore knee. *pause for laughter*

I brushed myself off and kept walking as though nothing had happened (trying to be cool), but the next 10 minutes were a blur of self-hating thoughts. I cursed myself for thinking I could be the kind of person who can join all those fit and gorgeous people jogging around the lake. I was wondering what right a 110 kilo fatty like me had to be there with these skinny girls jogging in lycra tops and shorty shorts. I didn't feel any pain in my knee at all because I just felt like such a big fat oaf.

In the hour it took me to walk the 4.8 km around the lake I got my shit together and stopped feeling sorry for myself. Everyone looks silly when they fall over and who doesn't love a good fall? It's hilarious! Clearly I need to stop taking my fat so seriously and learn to laugh at myself more. I'll probably be giggling for the next week over this one!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Spring Fever



Is there anything more invigorating then when after a long and cold winter, the sun starts shining again? I don't really like the heat, but even I feel inspired by the onset of Spring. I'll probably want to shoot myself by January when the inevitable heat wave sets in, but right now it is lovely.

Today I went for a walk outside during my lunch break, not for exercise, but for the pure pleasure of getting fresh air and sunshine. I'm not sure if I have ever done that before. It felt weird to do something that involves exercise for enjoyment and because I genuinely want to, not feel I should.

Who knows, maybe I would like summer a whole heap more if I wasn't so fat. If I wasn't dealing with the chaffing and I could wear cute summer dresses. Maybe it wouldn't be all that bad?

Do you know that I have never had a 'skinny' summer? By skinny, I mean that I was under 100 kilos. All my best weight loss attempts seem to happen in winter and then I crash and burn in the summer. This year I want things to be different, I need things to be different. So I am going to be under 100 kilos by summer and I am going to stay under 100 kilos for the entire duration of summer. This means I can't starve myself to get there and then binge eat once I meet my goal. Been there, done that before!

***Mark my words, by December 1st I will be under 100 kilos***
That gives me about 3 months to lose 10 kilos- completely doable.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

September Weigh In

I had my monthly weigh in this morning and I am now 109.8 kilos, which means I lost 4.7 kilos last month. Sounds good when you put it like that, so why was I disappointed?

I haven't been weighing myself at home, but when I see my doctor at the clinic they always weigh me, so I had an inkling of how things were going. Two weeks ago I was weighed at the clinic and I was actually 200 grams less than this morning- and the scales at the clinic weigh heavier than mine and I had a full stomach. So I was kind of hoping for a good number this morning and wasn't expecting to gain since that weigh in at the clinic.

I know there are about a million reasons for a gain, maybe it was because I have been working out so much, maybe I was bloated, maybe I am not eating enough... blah blah blah. Oh well, it sucks, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing because I know I am doing the very best I can. Plus, let's face it, 4.7 kilos is an awesome loss in a month and I can't really be disappointed with that.

I'll still keep away from the scales this month, mostly because I am still not interested in seeing any of the numbers the scale has to offer right now. I have seen the same numbers go up and down for the past 10 years and I am well and truly sick of them. Until I start seeing some virgin numbers, I'll get no joy from the scale!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

All Good

Sorry if I sounded down in the dumps earlier this week. I don't mean to be such a downer all the time, I try to be brutally honest and sometimes it comes across being more negative than I intend.

I am not actually doing all that bad, if I do say so myself! I have been going to the gym 4-5 times a week all this month and it really doesn't ever cross my mind not to go. I have also being doing great with my eating, last weekend was just a slight blip on the radar. The good thing is that I always knew I would be ok. I just made a few impulsive and stupid food decisions, and that is ok, one thing I will never be is perfect.

I haven't been weighing myself, so I really don't know how all that is going, but I weigh in on the 1st of the month, so time will tell. I haven't noticed huge changes in myself or my clothes, but I don't really expect to at this stage. When you are as big as I am, it takes about 30 kilos before noticeable changes start to occur. As weird as it sounds, as soon as I get to 99 kilos, I suddenly get everyone noticing my weight loss. That is still a while off...

*** *** *** ***
My blogging and commenting has had to take a back seat because work has gone and blocked access to blogger, how dare they? I don't tend to get online at night anymore because going to the gym takes priority and I find when I turn the computer on it just sucks hours of time away. I am working from home today and taking the opportunity to get onto blogger!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Food Hang Over

Why is it that when your eating goes bad, all aspects of your life tend to unravel? I have been eating terribly for the last 3 days and somehow in those 3 days, I have also spent more money than I have in months. I am scared to get on the scales and I'm scared to check my bank balance right now! I did none of the things I had planned to get done over the weekend and my life feels disorganised and cluttered at the moment.

I also feel exhausted because my sleeping has been terrible and I am lethargic and completely unmotivated to do anything. I feel puffy and greasy and it makes me wonder if this is how I used to feel all the time and I just didn’t realise it. No wonder being fat is so freaking hard. I am drinking lots of water and eating lots of fruit today and heading to the gym tonight to shake off this revolting food hang over.

Up until the last few days, I hadn’t really tested the lap band to see if it had much restriction, turns out it doesn’t! I have been relying on will power for the past few months, but that all came crashing down around me over the weekend, like it always does eventually. So I obviously need to get some more fill put into the band and try to get this thing working.

*** *** *** *** ***
On another note, where have all my favourite bloggers gone? There are so many bloggers M.I.A. at the moment and I miss you! Please come back and let us know how you’re going. Don’t make me start naming names… ;-)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Band Update

I guess it is time for an update on how the lap band is going, for those of you who are interested. I got a 1 ml fill put in a couple of weeks ago, taking me up to 5 mls in a 10 ml band. The week after having this fill I wasn’t able to keep any food down at all and even having a smoothie was difficult. So I went back to the doctor on Monday and had half a ml taken out, so I am now back to 4.5 mls. So far, so good at this level. I can’t say that my hunger feels particularly satisfied at this level, but at least I have stopped bringing up my food. I am going to take getting fills very slowly from now on, I refuse to be put in anymore situations when I am eating with people and feel something get stuck. It is embarrassing and not pleasant. I ruined a perfectly nice drive along the great ocean road last weekend by getting a strawberry stuck and having to stand by the side of the road trying to bring it up for 30 minutes. Why did I eat a strawberry when I knew I couldn’t keep anything down? Because I am an idiot.

Since I have been banded over the last couple of months my diet has been very healthy, full of fresh vegetables, fruit and lean meats. It really is the healthiest I have been eating for years. Last week I went to the blood bank to donate plasma and they did the usual tests and noticed that my haemoglobin levels had dropped significantly since I last visited. They said if I was doing a normal blood donation that they would have to send me away because they are too low, but because I was donating plasma I was ok. When donating plasma they take the blood out and remove the plasma and platelets and then put the blood back in you, kind of a creepy and long process. Then last Friday I had a call from a doctor who had tested my blood and found I was dangerously low in iron and a few other technical things that went over my head. They are sending my results to me to take to my doctor for a proper review and apparently I can’t donate blood for at least 6 months.

The doctor who called me from the blood bank asked how I was feeling and if I felt more tired than usual. Of course I am freaking tired, who isn't? I guess I better get googling on ways to increase my iron levels. Have any other lap banders had this problem?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Blah Blah Blah



That is how I feel right now. Just blah.

I feel like I have nothing to say about anything. My life revolves around going to work and going to the gym right now. I am trying to eat healthy and save money. There is nothing interesting about any of that.

I just feel like staying in bed and being left alone at the moment. Going to work has been a mammoth effort, if I had any sick days left right now I would be taking them.

I am not really feeling down, just uninspired.

Maybe it is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

I need to get out of this slump and stop being so miserable.

Life's really not that bad.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

I kneed advice*

When I got off my flight back from the UK a couple of weeks ago I had quite severe pain in my knee, presumably from not moving for 24 hours and sitting awkwardly in that small space. The pain has been persistent and when I googled "knee pain in flight" it became apparent I was GOING TO DIE. So when I went to the doctor to get some scripts re-filled I mentioned it and he diagnosed me with bursitis of the knee. It isn't serious, just annoying more than anything, mostly because it is getting difficult to exercise.

I am lucky enough to have never had knee problems and I really don't want to start now. I have been plagued with foot/heel problems (mostly because of my weight) and it really gets in the way. Despite my sore knee, I have been going to the gym 5 times a week and this really hasn't been helping. The doctor told me not to go to the gym for a week, but of course I smiled and said yes, then walked directly into the gym. The idea of not going to the gym actually scares me. I know that seems crazy because I have only been back at the gym for a couple of months and prior to that it had been years since I stepped inside a gym. I just know how easy it is for that switch to flick in me and never to go back- it has happened to at least 3 other gym memberships I have purchased in my time.

Since I have continued going to the gym I have managed to strain my hamstring and back on the same side as my sore knee because I have been moving awkwardly in order to protect my knee. So I have finally given in and realised that I need to have a break from exercise. I am sure there are lots of things I can still do that won't put strain on my knee and hamstring, but I haven't really thought of anything yet. Anyone got any ideas? Boxing? Swimming?

* I am sorry for that bad pun, but you know how hard it is to come up with titles.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

August Weigh In

I weighed myself this morning for my first day of the month weigh in and I am 114.5 kilos, which is exactly 1 kilo up on last month. I am actually really happy that it wasn't much worse than this because I spent 3 weeks of the month not exercising and eating out for 3 meals a day. In the past I have been known to go away for a weekend and gain 4 kilos, so to only register a 1 kilo gain during my 3 weeks away is amazing.

I didn't think that my lap band was really giving me any restriction while I was away, but perhaps it gave me more restriction than I realised. I was often leaving quite a bit of food on my plate, but that was generally because the food I was eating really wasn't that nice and I couldn't be bothered eating it when it wasn't to my taste. Maybe pre-lap band I would have kept eating it anyway, I can't recall too many times in my life when I have gone out for dinner and left food on my plate, so this thing could be starting to work.

I am feeling good about the general direction the scales are going in, but at the same time I have lost interest in what they say at the moment. I find it hard to celebrate the same old numbers that I have been seeing while going up and down in weight over the past 10 years. I really don't think the scales will excite me at all until I finally get under 100 kilos and stay there.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Fill Her Up

Yesterday morning I got a fill in my lap band and I now have 4 mls in a 10 ml band. The doctor told me to be careful with what I eat for the first 24 hours and to stay to mostly liquids, so I haven't been able to tell yet if I feel more restriction. The doctor thought I would probably need another 1 or 2 mls to have a good level of restriction, but we will go slowly and see how I feel. When she did the fill I honestly didn't feel a thing and was shocked when she told me it was finished. I have only had one fill before this and it was quite painful, so the fact that I didn't feel a thing was amazing.

Speaking of my doctor, I saw her for the first time yesterday and she is fabulous! I wasn't too keen on my lap band surgeon, he gave me absolutely no information and was not very helpful at all. He was also quite rude to me when I came in for a pre-op appointment and had gained weight and made me feel like a complete failure and threatened to not do the lap band unless I lost weight. Even on the day of surgery, I could see him preparing for the surgery while I was waiting on the trolley and he didn't even bother to come over and say hello or see how I was feeling. I guess not all great surgeons can have wonderful personalities, and as long as he did the surgery well (which he did), I am happy.

I am thrilled to have my new doctor for future follow up appointments, she is just so lovely and gave me so much information about what to expect when having a lap band, getting a fill and losing weight. I had actually considered cancelling my fill appointment yesterday because I knew I had gained weight since they last weighed me and I was scared they would tell me off again. I know that sounds ridiculous that I would consider cancelling an appointment that is going to help me lose weight, but I am a bit sensitive about these things. Anyway, she was absolutely fine and understood my situation and just wanted to help get me back on track. I feel so much better having her support and a lot of my worries about the lap band have been put to rest.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Home Sweet Home




I arrived home from the UK late Thursday night and I am already feeling much happier and more positive (and I haven't even been home 12 hours yet). I just feel so good to be home and back in my own space with my own stuff, and most importantly- clean clothes!

I got home about 10.00pm and it is now 6.30am and I haven't been able to sleep. I am still on UK time and completely confused. I have tried everything to get to sleep, from sleeping tablets, doing my taxes and watching that Denise Richards reality show, but I am still wide awake. It probably didn't help that I did some work emails about 3.00am and got all strung out and upset about a few matters. I swear to God I will never learn.

I am so excited to get back into cooking delicious meals with fresh and healthy ingrediants and most of all to get back to the gym. You might be wondering if I am being sarcastic, but I'm serious. I desperately missed having the time to myself at the gym and the buzz from an awesome workout. I also get a fill in my lapband on Monday, so I should hopefully have my first taste of restriction.

Things are looking up!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Torn

I am failing at this really badly.

I tried really hard for the first few days to exercise and eat right while I am in Oxford for work, but I just can't do it. My mind just keeps reeling from thinking about food. I am staying in a hotel that has a Krispy Kreme in it for god's sake.

I try to start the day well with a good breakfast and by 10.30am I am staring at the biscuits on the conference table and I literally can't think of anything else until I cave in and eat one. They aren't even nice biscuits, they're those crappy Arnotts creme assortment kind that I normally wouldn't bother eating. From that point it is all down hill.

I get lonely and anxious when I travel for work and guess what makes me feel better? Food. I know people say that food never helps, but it actually does. I really do feel comforted from eating chocolate from the mini bar. It is clear that it is unhealthy for me to travel for work because I have no control over my eating. I know I can put whatever food and drink I like on the company card and it is too much temptation for a food addict like me.

I have kind of given up on the idea of healthy eating while I am here. The torture I was going through at every meal when food was offered to me is just too much. I just want to eat so that I can stop thinking about food and move on. I honestly feel mentally exhausted from agonising over food. One minute I am trying to find ways to avoid food and the next minute I am binging. Either way, my weird food habits are becoming apparent to my colleagues.

I guess it will be better once I get some restriction put in my lap band, but currently I can eat anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. If anything it makes it clear that I made the right decision to get this lap band. I clearly need help.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Just Touched Down In London Town

Well I did about a week ago anyway.

Yes the flight was some kind of torture and I am already dreading the return flight home. I am really strange and I refuse to use the toilets on planes, not sure if it is because I am a germaphobe or because I am scared I won't fit. Probably both. So I didn't eat or drink for the whole trip so that I wouldn't have to use the bathroom. Yeah it was a 24 hour flight. Anyway, I am hyperventilating just thinking about the whole thing, so enough about that.

I spent the weekend in the London sunshine (suck on that Melbournians). I was completely out of whack on the time zones so I was getting up at 4.30am and strolling around London and I felt like I had the city to myself. I moved onto Oxford last Sunday, where I have just spent an entire week sitting through tedious powerpoint presentations on fascinating topics such as strategy and objectives. I am losing the will to live right now.

It has been really hard to be here because I had a particularly bad experience at work the week before I came to Oxford that left me very upset and anxious. My boss asked me on Monday to stay an extra week in Oxford (I am already going to be here for 3 weeks) and I said no because I felt like it was too last minute to change my plans and I also didn't want to stay away from home for that long. I am trying to put my health and sanity first and I really felt like this wouldn't be the best thing for me to do. It is the first time I have ever said no to anything at work and my boss didn't take it well...

Anyway, the whole situation has been really upsetting because a lot of things were said to me that I think were unfair and actually quite nasty. Then I had to get on a 24 hour flight and sit through tedious meetings, while working early mornings and evenings to keep up with my other work. I just wanted to hand in my notice and come home. This job just isn't worth it. My emotional and physical health have suffered immeasurably since I started this job, I gained 35 kilos, I nearly had a nervous breakdown, I lost a lot of hair and I developed a nervous twitch all from the stress. For my own health and sanity I need to leave.

I am going to the hotel bar now to put a lot of very expensive cocktails on the company…

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Monthly Weigh In

I had my official first day of the month weigh in this morning and I am now 113.5 kilos, having lost a total of 3.1 kilos for the month. This sounds ok, but given I lost 2 kilos in the first week of the month and I have been to the gym 5 days a week and only had one off plan meal for the whole month, I was a little disappointed. I set myself a goal to be 110 kilos by today and I really didn't get very close.

I have decided not to have numbers based goals anymore because it just leads to disappointment. My eating and exercise were pretty much 100% for the month, so I did everything possible to lose weight and I can't be disappointed at myself. I can't control the scales or how my body loses weight, so I won't be using that as a way to measure my success anymore. Instead, I will focus on whether or not I am exercising regularly and making good food choices. Not that I won't be checking in on the scales of course, I'm only human!

I probably set my goals a little too high last month, but it was mostly because I have to go to the UK for work tomorrow and I am terrified of the 24 hour flight. I am scared the seat belt will be too tight, that I am going to take up too much room and annoy my fellow passengers and that the tray table won't go down. As you can imagine, 24 hours is a long time to be in a tiny seat on an aeroplane for someone that weighs 113.5 kilos and when I think about it I start hyperventilating. Did I mention I am also afraid of flying and have claustrophobia? So this is pretty much my worst nightmare.

On top of this, I have to spend 3 weeks in the Oxford based office of my company and last time I was there I was at least 10 kilos lighter and of course I am paranoid everyone will notice. I don't know why I care if they notice I have gained weight, I don't even like them, but I still care. Can you tell that I really don't want to go on this trip?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Try Again

My geeky flatmate quoted Yoda from Star Wars a month or so ago and it has really struck a chord with me. I haven't seen Star Wars, but I hear it is quite a famous quote:

'Do, or do not. There is no try.'

I have always been one of those people who will say that 'I'll try my best to do exercise tonight' or 'I'll try and eat healthy this week'. I always thought that having good intentions was the best I could do, but now I can see that 'trying' was just leading to failure. When I say that I am going to try and do something, I am already admitting to myself that I may fail.

I am kind of a big softy and always make excuses for myself and other people, something I constantly say is 'that as long as you tried your best, that is all you can do'. In some circumstances this is true, but I can see now that this isn't the case when it comes to food and exercise. Eating healthy and exercising are both things that only I have control over. No one has ever held a gun to my head and forced me to eat pizza or chained me to a chair so that I can't exercise.

I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago and there have already been a heap of excuses I could have used not to go, and sometimes I almost didn't go, but I just keep remembering that I can try and do this or I can do this. I know that sometimes life gets in the way and so there will be days when I plan to go to the gym and then can't go. That doesn't mean that my goal of going to the gym a minimum of 4 times a week will be compromised, it just means I have to go to the gym on a Sunday to make up for that missed session.

EXCUSES THAT ARE NO LONGER TOLERATED
~ I have a cold
~ I had a long/stressful day at work
~ I have a headache
~ I'm tired
~ I'm hung over
~ I don't have time (or want to make time)
~ I have cramps
~ It's cold and rainy and I just want to stay in bed
~ I forgot to wash my gym clothes

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Ups & Downs

When I got the lap band I decided to take a more zen attitude to the scales. I knew that if I ate the right food and did my exercise, the weight will come off over the next couple of years. So I decided that I wasn't going to get hysterical when the scales showed random 600 gram gains for no particular reason. I was going to look at those gains and just know that my body would experience many ups and downs along the way, for many different reasons, and to take the bad with the good.

So that was the plan. Of course reality is a different story...

I seem to have gained a kilo this week and I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I know this is because I am slowly starting to introduce more food into my diet and my body is responding to having actual food for the first time in about 9 weeks. This seems completely reasonable and it has happened to a lot of people who get banded. I know I am doing the right thing, I am exercising and eating small healthy portions, so there isn't anything to worry about.

I guess I am more impatient than anything. There are certain numbers on the scale that I want to see the back of and seeing them rear their ugly heads again just pisses me off. It annoys me even more that I know that I shouldn't worry about these little ups and downs on the scale and I still let it get to me. I think it is time for me to put the scale in the cupboard for a few days.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Gym Bunny



There are about 6 months left in this year and it is my goal to lose 25 kilos during that time. It is a completely realistic goal and would mean losing about 800 grams a week. I know I can't do this without stepping the exercise right up and strolling along on my home treadmill just isn't going to do the trick. So on Friday I decided to join the local gym.

I haven't joined a gym for about 4 years, mostly because I didn't want to spend the money when I had a perfectly good treadmill at home. This time it is different and I have decided to pull out all the stops. I made the agonising decision to have a lap band, went through the pre-surgery diet, laid out the $$$ and dealt with the post-surgery pain, so fucked if I am going to do this half arsed!

So I joined the gym on Friday and then went down for my first work out on Friday night and I loved it. I loved it so much that I went back this morning (Saturday) and I am planning to go again tomorrow morning. I'll be aiming to go to the gym 4-5 times a week and there is really no reason why I shouldn't be able to achieve this goal. I realised recently that I need to think of my exercise time as a privilege, rather than a chore. There are so many people that don't have the time or have kids to look after or can't afford to go to the gym, so I need to appreciate that I am lucky to have this time to spend on my health and fitness.

The only thing that isn't so great about going to the gym is that I can't dance and sing on the treadmill when my favourite songs come on, it might look a bit weird in public...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What A Difference A Year Makes

I was just looking through some old photos while trying to help my mum find a photo to put on her online dating profile (which is practically child abuse) and I found two photos of myself that were taken exactly a year apart.


April 2008
Taken at a friend's wedding



April 2009
Taken on holidays in Darwin


Normally I would not allow such a hideous photo of myself to be posted on this blog, but I was so blown away by the difference that I made this exception.

I actually find it really hard to look at myself in the last photo, I just don't recognise myself at all. I still wonder how I let myself gain so much weight in such a short period of time and why I wasn't able to see what was happening.

Next time I want to binge or skip my exercise, I am just going to think back to these photos and and the two different people they represent. It is now up to me to choose who I want to be.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Hungry



I am finally officially done with the liquids stage of this lap band thing- hallelujah! Tonight I am going to have a scrambled egg and it is about the most exciting thing to happen to me in a while. Last night when I was out shopping I had some KFC potato and gravy and it turns out that stuff is really only good for dipping your chips in, not so good on its own.

I have been super fricken hungry over the last week and I can't wait to be able to eat normally again. I have been trawling recipe websites like they are porn lately and have book marked a heap of recipes I want to make as soon as I can eat again. I have also been looking up menus for the restaurants I want to go to and drooling over the delicious food. This lap band better work because I clearly have a problem!

I haven't had any guidance from my surgeon on what to eat during the 'soft food' stage and I have noticed that it varies for different people, some people seem to just eat thicker soups and yoghurt, while others are allowed to eat things like sheppards pie and quiche. What did other lap banders eat during this stage? Don't bother suggesting to me that I vitamise my food- it is not going to happen. I wouldn't even eat baby food when I was a baby, I have always had a big aversion to mushy foods. I know I am being a big sook, maybe I'll get hungry enough over the next two weeks to start blending my food...