Monday, July 13, 2009


I am failing at this really badly.

I tried really hard for the first few days to exercise and eat right while I am in Oxford for work, but I just can't do it. My mind just keeps reeling from thinking about food. I am staying in a hotel that has a Krispy Kreme in it for god's sake.

I try to start the day well with a good breakfast and by 10.30am I am staring at the biscuits on the conference table and I literally can't think of anything else until I cave in and eat one. They aren't even nice biscuits, they're those crappy Arnotts creme assortment kind that I normally wouldn't bother eating. From that point it is all down hill.

I get lonely and anxious when I travel for work and guess what makes me feel better? Food. I know people say that food never helps, but it actually does. I really do feel comforted from eating chocolate from the mini bar. It is clear that it is unhealthy for me to travel for work because I have no control over my eating. I know I can put whatever food and drink I like on the company card and it is too much temptation for a food addict like me.

I have kind of given up on the idea of healthy eating while I am here. The torture I was going through at every meal when food was offered to me is just too much. I just want to eat so that I can stop thinking about food and move on. I honestly feel mentally exhausted from agonising over food. One minute I am trying to find ways to avoid food and the next minute I am binging. Either way, my weird food habits are becoming apparent to my colleagues.

I guess it will be better once I get some restriction put in my lap band, but currently I can eat anything. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. If anything it makes it clear that I made the right decision to get this lap band. I clearly need help.


  1. If food REALLY helped, you wouldn't be torn. At best food gives you some temporary comfort. It's a patch, and it doesn't hold.

    Don't give up on healthy eating. If you can put anything on the company card, put heathy foods there.

    When you get your fill, you're still going to have to think about food. Once you're restricted, you'll still have to chose to eat salad or lean meats instead of Krispy Kreme, because if you don't, you're going to end up malnourished and STILL be overweight.

    Now it's a good time to practice... get some support, someone you can call at any time. It's never too early to begin.

  2. I'm sorry to say that I think this is the biggest problem for people who get lap bands (rather than tackling weight loss other ways) - you clearly have issues with food that a little plastic band is not going to fix.... I mean what's going to happen when they tighten it and you can't eat as much? You're going to try and eat food and then fail (and then starve for a while and eventually.... after many many months of not being able to eat as you wish - your body will get the message you can't eat like you used to)! What a horrible torturous way of doing things! You should have seen a psychologist who could deal with the underlying issues rather than rushing in (like most people who gets WLS). You'll never be able to enjoy food again with that lap band tightened...... I really really hope you've made the right choice here (lap band I mean) but I can't help but think you haven't. You can do whatever you like to your body, surgically..... but your mind is going to be the same for some time.... and that's what needs to be changed the most.
    I honestly wish you the best of luck.... but I wish you hadn't had the surgery :(

  3. I can't help with the food, because I have no better handle on it myself at the moment.

    I can however potentially help with the loneliness, I'll contact you elsewhere in a minute though.

    Also, please ignore the comment above me, if you can. It's too late for anonymous comments telling you what you should or shouldn't have done- you've always said that the band is not meant to be your one stop solution, it's a tool to help you get where you want to be. You also did all the research- your own judgment, and that of the medical professionals around you, are what counts.


  4. Aww you actually like you job? it cause you some much stress and affects you so much. Just get through the next few weeks and start fresh when you come home. Thinking of you x

  5. Yeah, ignore the nasty comment. Why are the trolls always anonymous? You've tried everything else and from what I've read the lap band is your best final resort...

    Don't beat yourself up! You are travelling for a job you hate, and if a little junk food helps then give yourself a break for the moment. It's only for a couple of weeks and then you'll be home and back on track.

    If you had food control you wouldn't be banded, right? You are already doing the right thing for your body, and you'll soon be in a better headspace to help it along.

    ...and I hope you are getting time to explore Oxford. I love Oxford!

  6. Oh sweetie, I know exactly where you are coming from. It sounds like you need some help on how to handle your stress without food. My therapist gave me a great example on how to understand this: she said the food and other unhealthy coping mechanisims are like a shell you use to protect yourself and cannot be shed and replaced until you have built up another healthy shell underneath. And we need help to build up the healthy shell.

    She also explained to me about how we use food to feel in control. I always feel like my eating feels more out of control but she helped me to understand that too.

    Also, this is not a process that can be rushed. Be kind to yourself, you are a beautiful, kind and caring person and deserve only good things.

    Try not to feel so bad about eating to cope, that is all you have known and until you learn some new ways don't give yourself such a hard time.

  7. Hugs, and hope you feel better soon, don't worry, all bandsters get "head hunger" - we live and we learn how to deal with it

    No one said a band would cure all ills, but boy, it helps.

    I'm in London, not far from Oxford, how long are you over for? If you'd like to meet up (grin, I'm not a mad cyber stalker, just a 43 yr old banded mom, who lost 6 stone since being banded), email me - Oxford is a great place to sight see etc, lots of history

    And yeah, I struggle sometimes with comfort eating, we all do. No quick fixes, but I would NEVER be without my band

    Dunno who Ms Anonymous is, but not sure why she can tell you what you shouldn't have done with your life. Grin, rise about it. We all have nay-say-ers in our lives.

    Do get in touch if you'd like to meet up

    Henrietta (

  8. You have known all along that the surgery was just a tool to help you with your weight loss. You also need to learn to deal with the emotional side of your eating.

    Being away from home, out of a routine & doing a job you do not like are not helping this journey.

    Whilst not particulary productive, I do not think that Anonymous ws tryng to be cruel, just giving her opinion on what she has seen/preceives when people have had surgery.

    Take one day at a time, you will do this, it will not happen overnight and you cannot expect to change a lifetime of habits or reactions to situation in one hit.

    Do one thisng each day - just one that makes you feel llike you are in control - and aske them not to restock the minibar :-)

    Good luck - you will do this :-)

  9. Hang in there Tulley. Do your best to get as much exercise as you can and eat healthy foods, if the options aren't the best, reduce the portion size.

    Wherever we are physically, mentally or geographically, we owe it to ourselves to make the best choices we can.

    It is never going to be easy for some of us and remember more than 70% of women worry about their food and bodies.

    You are not alone, but that doesn't mean you can give up on yourself and no-one here will give up on you either. x

  10. I disagree with anonymous about never being able to enjoy food again. If you read other WLS blogs you will see that people actually enjoy their food more... tight or not. And I'm not talking over-tight, when you need tweaking, I mean when the band is actually working the way it was meant to. Remember, this is just the START of your new way of life and it can't be fixed in a milli-second... right now you are out of your comfort zone, away from people who love you and just out of sorts full stop. Do whatever it takes to get yourself through this till you get home (lots of exploring on off times might helps distract you :) and then with a fresh mind you can pick up where you left off. All is not lost

  11. I understand how you feel. I used to travel quite a bit for work. Although I enjoyed it, for the most part, there is something about traveling, even though I'm not a frequent traveler anymore, that makes me WANT TO STUFF MY FACE!

    I learned to be prepared. I called ahead to the hotel and asked for a small fridge. I brought some snacks with me. I found a small grocer nearby to help keep me stocked with healthier choices. I also looked to see what kind of entertainment might be in town, whether it be concerts, movies, plays, whatever...

    Does it work 100% of the time? NO! But it does help.

    Get that fridge in your room, and charge it to your company! It shouldn't be more than $10 a day (I don't know what the conversion would be), but if you tell them that you've developed a medical need, they may not charge you at all. When I went to DC and Orlando in April, my Optifast had to be chilled. I told them it was a medical need (it buy it through a doctor) and they graciously accomodated me. I also found a single-serve blender made by Hamilton Beach, so I brought that. In the meantime, I had spoken with a front desk manager, and she was going to lend me her blender from home!! People can be really nice and accomodating if you open up a little and ask for help. They just might surprise you!

    Good luck, keep'll find company here!

  12. Ignore the Anonymous comment. I know how long you've been thinking about he lap band surgery, and I know that it dates back well beyond the origins of this blog; it was not something that you took upon yourself lightly, you thought about it for a long, long time.

    I agree with what Fab Kate said - if you can put anything on the company credit card, make it healthier food! That good feeling that you get when you eat food is only temporary, and when it fades, you want to feel that good feeling again, so you do it again. It definitely is an addiction, and it is bloody hard to fight. And it will take TIME - I know how frustrated you get when progress is slow and hard to come by, though if you try to do it all in one big hit, you get overwhelmed and that instant Feel Good Factor of food is all too irresistable.

    Give yourself a break, babe. You are a beautiful, good hearted, incredible person, and you deserve to make this right for yourself - whichever way you choose. Just know that all of us readers love you and are right behind you. :-)

  13. Completely ignOre anonymous. Whoever that is! Anonymous is completely misinformed! You HAVE done the right thing and you will get results. When you find restriction life will be so much easier on this side of things.

    How long till home time? Do u have an appointment with your surgeon?

  14. Sadly, food DOES help. It is a comfort. i always "give in" when I travel. I hope it gets better! HANG IN THERE!

    - Lisa

  15. my one big piece of advice, here, TRUST yourself. Eat only Krispy Cremes for a day. Give yourself permission and remember that YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE HUNGRY! Don't feel afraid of it, or you'll end up like any other nimwit. Here is what I know is true...if you deny yourself your true (and TRUE means REAL Nourishment, which is SOMETIMES A DOUGHNUT!) you will only end up starved...
    Check out my recent post and giveaway...

  16. I don't think eating ANYTHING will help you out at all. I would suggest heading to a supermarket, and buying little ziploc bags and fruit, and carrying them with you. Even crackers & cheese. Anything is better than donuts. You just need to prepare yourself for the daunting days. I'm sure your co-workers will respect you for trying to lose weight and keep on track with your meal plan.

    I wish all the best to you!


  17. I don't know. For me food never really comforts me, it just makes me feel crappy and guilty. I definitely agree with the above poster though--buy lots of healthy food. Surround yourself around it. The more healthy you eat, the easier it is to resist those other foods. Eventually, after you eat "cleaner" for a while, things do get easier.

  18. Sigh. I read your blog often and I see a lot of pain and depression coming from all different areas of your life, and for that I can not be upset with you when it comes to how you decide to approach food. It is obvious that you use it to fill a void, but I have a problem with the fact that you already know and have accepted this, yet you continue to make the excuse that, for some reason, it is not within your power to change. I agree with anonymous, getting a lap band is just taking an easy way out, and it is going to be mentally painful for you simply because you will not be able to eat as much. On the other hard, it will help the physical health problems by forcing you to lose weight... so I guess it is kind of a split situation. Do you value losing weight more than plunging deeper into the depression that will inevitably come from not being able to have the ONE thing that, according to you, is the only thing that holds you together inside? You have to learn moderation, then you have to accept it, and then you have to live it. With that comes willpower, confidence, a renewal, and hope. Then, if you want a lap band to speed things up... well so be it. Just don't fuck with your sanity, please.

    Just my opinion.

  19. ignore anonymouse, and not because the words are right or wrong, but because i ignore anyone who will not stand behind their thoughts.

    anonymouse - you are a fucking pussy. fuck off please.

    right, on to the post at hand! i think you could benefit from counselling tulls. i think that it has to be your choice, but being a chick with an eating disorder who gets therapy, it does help me. and it might help you. getting the band was a good idea, blind freddie can see that and all the douchebags on the internet who tell you otherwise are just so drunk on self-love they can think straight.

    the band won't stop the emotionally connection you have to food. the band won't fix all the problems.

    if you want to meet up when you get home for a chat please email me or text linda and she'll give you my mobile number. if you want to talk on the phone while you are in the UK just email me a number and i'll call you.


  20. This is not an easy journey. But it is a journey and sometimes there are bumps along the way. Beating yourself up about bad eating isn't going to make you lose weight. That you are starting to recognise the triggers, though, will hopefully lead to a mindset change

    To the person who said that lapbands are the easy way out. I'm sorry you are so ignorant about what the lapband does. A little research doesn't hurt anyone, and you just might learn something.

  21. Wow, people are mean. I growl in their general direction. I hope you can read the nice ones and discard the rest.

    I'm sorry I was so blase in my last comment about how fabulous it was that you got to travel, as it obviously isn't for you. Seems like this situation is really hitting you hard, so do reduce your expectations on yourself. I completely understand that food makes you feel better. It makes me happy too - at least until the sugar crash. And I understand that you are sick of trying so hard and want to just wait until you get home and start again. I'm just worried that you are calling yourself a failure.

    Is there something easy that you can make a goal and stick to so that you can go home knowing that you didn't fail completely? Maybe keeping up the exercise? Or not eating anything that actually makes you feel crap, staying away from stuff that isn't worth it or you later regret? Or journalling to try to understand your emotions? Something easy, but achieveable and valuable.

    Good luck hun. Be good to yourself.

  22. Is there any time to take a stroll and remove yourself from temptation for a little while? Oxford is lovely. Taking in the sites would distract your mind and the walk is an easy form of exercise.

  23. I agree with you: if you're going to get stressed so much, then lighten up on the eating reigns while you're away. A temporary 'setback' is not the end of the world. Work on alternatives when you get home, and don't worry about it right now.

    Promise yourself that you will NOT be angry with yourself or punish yourself later over it. If you are going to give yourself permission to do this, then do so with your eyes wide open, knowing what the scale will say later. Accept that, and move on at that point.

    My WW leader asked me this week what I've learned since I started losing weight. I said, to forgive myself, and be patient with myself. Keep those two things in mind. Also, be as kind to yourself as you possibly can right now. You need it.

    Whatever you decide, good luck. You'll be okay!

  24. I don't think that waiting for the restriction in the band, or giving up on eating healthy... was not the point of getting the band in the first place. Just like anyone else trying to lose weight- you have to deal with your emotional eating.

    People telling you to ignore the Anonymous comment(s) are being placating. That is just as harmful as what you are doing to yourself- nothing they (or I) said was not true, although it is a little late to be pondering whether your choice was right.

    It was YOUR choice, and you knew it wouldn't stop you from eating anything, and I hope that you fully own that now.

  25. 'People telling you to ignore the Anonymous comment(s) are being placating'.

    Actually, I think it's more that Anonymous' remarks were distinctly unhelpful. The poster clearly has an issue with lap bands and used Tully's post to get up on the soapbox and preach about what she should have done blah blah blah.

    I took exception to Anonymous' remarks for that reason.

  26. Hey woman!!

    Before you get that band tightened, talk to your doctor about the stress and anxiety that you are going thru. If you try to overeat with the band, it could slip, food can get stuck, and a lot of other nasty things can happen.

    Plus you didn't spend all that money to not have this work, now did you?

    Your doc will probably prescribe and anti-depressant or anti anxiety medicine for you to help counter your cravings. Don't feel like a failure, just don't give up. We have all gone thru a patch of trouble at one point in our weight loss journey. Stay as consistent as you can.

    Tho Anon was a bit harsh, he or she has raised some points to consider -you must tackle the food and drink issues to be successful with your lap band surgery. Some of the folks that are telling you to dismiss Anon are the same folks that cheered you on when you were going thru your overeating and drinking phase ("so decadent").

    Take care of yourself, and do what you have to do to get happy and healthy - btw that job sounds like a bitch - if you can, find another one asap!

  27. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel towards food, i have been reading your blog for a while now {i tend to bulk add to my google reader and occasionally delve through them when i feel like a long read online] and it seems like you are deeply unhappy, to me i would say it is more than weight, and your relationship to food- something else behind it is nagging at you be it lifestress/work or whatever.

    and really 113 isn't so bad-i think the best thing to do would be to get some nice well fitted comfortable clothes in the sales while you are in england [yours clothing,evans,dorothy perkins, new look, monsoon...etc also bravissimo is fab for larger cup sizes,get measured/fitted. it will change your life fer-real], have a gloss [it's like a clear colour that imparts shine] and a blow dry on your hair and a visit to the mac counter for a new make up look and you will feel better about yourself.

    because sweetie, all people see is what you present to them -they don't carry around a set of scales with them see a curvy gal and think "uh-oh" she is 30kg past deserving of a fufilling life, and therefore unsuitable to talk to.

    if you care about your appearance, for yourself, then it shows no matter if you are a size 6 or a size 26. have confidence, and read up on fat acceptance! obv you thought long and hard before you got the lap band, and really that is no one else's business but yours, so ignore the negativity and focus on gettng yourself into a better head-space.

    kate hardings shapely prose,the rotund and in particular the fatshionista community on livejournal are very good reads/support/inspiration

  28. OMG - you have such a fantastic support network! I hope you are having more luck after reading through some of these. It is not an easy journey babe!

  29. Where are my sweet!!?? Hope you are still doing great!! You are an amazing woman always remember that!! ... xoxo

  30. Try Bach Flower Remedies for all those bad feelings and emotions you have, they will make more easy this way to the new you. There is an official website for the Bach Centre wich is near Oxford UK .
    Good luck, Claudia


Awww thanks so much for the comment!