I have been keeping away from the scales lately because I kind of knew there was nothing I wanted to see there. I could tell that I was probably back to the biggest weight I have ever been because I started to feel the same way I used to feel a few years ago when living every day life became a little bit difficult. I almost need a crane to help me get off the couch at the end of the night and walking to letterbox leaves me practically winded.
I decided to face up to the scale on the Monday after Easter (yes, the day after I pigged out on roast beef and chocolate all day) and it seems I have reached a new low. Actually, I should call it a new high because I have managed to surpass my highest ever weight of 128.5 kilos and I am now 129.7 kilos, but let’s not beat around the bush, I am essentially 130 kilos.
To me, 130 kilos was always that weight that I never thought I would get to and I would always be OK as long as I didn’t reach 130. When I first saw the scale it felt like a slap across the face, but strangely enough I haven’t wallowed or felt down about it because I know that I completely deserve to be this weight. I accept that if I constantly eat junk food and do very little exercise for a year, then I will gain an extraordinary amount of weight.
I do feel quite overwhelmed by the number on the scale, mostly because I feel so far away from being at a number in which I feel comfortable in my skin. I really don’t start to feel human again until I am about 110 kilos and I am not comfortable until I am under 100 kilos. I know I just need to focus on some small goals and take it one step at a time, otherwise it will feel too much and I will go hide in a barrel of chocolate.
My first goal is to fit back into the clothes that fit me before Christmas. OK, that is doable.
Good luck =)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely, I think taking it one step at a time is a great approach. You are a gorgeous person inside out, as another poster had said. Love yourself! You deserve it and your body deserves it too!! :) Good luck!
ReplyDeletehaha... dc. phil - it's true, i'd try to eat my sugar-coated lies.
ReplyDeletei like your blog.
xoxo
Baby steps, sometimes a wake up call is what you need. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh darling, I know that you can get a grasp on this situation.
ReplyDeleteYou are too fantastic a person to be lost inside the prison walls that 130 kgs erectss around you. I don't want to see who you really are fade into the background, being overshadowed by a weight problem.
You are so much more than a scale weight or a physical mass. You're wonderful.
x
I really feel for you Tully. I wish you good luck in trying to feel better <3
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kitty, there's so much more to you than a number on the scales. I definitely know what you mean though, when you reach a certain weight things feel physically more difficult. Small goals are good though, and they all add up :)
ReplyDeleteScary, scary stuff to face, and good on you for being brave.
ReplyDeleteBut sometimes I find that once I've faced the worst, it's easier to take control and do something about it.
Youre right, baby steps in the way to go. Focus on losing 5 kilos for now, then focus on 5 more, then 5 more. It's the only way (at least for me) that I'm every going to get to losing 64.55 kilos (yeah I'm American we obviously do pounds, so 142 lbs...)
ReplyDeleteYou can reach your goals, and you know you can always reach out to us whenever you need reassurance, a kick in the butt, or just to vent! We're all here for you! I really enjoy reading your blog and look forward to reading about your successes! :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes we have to reach rock bottom before we can build a foundation strong enough to make our way back out. That's what happened to me. Your 130 was my 200 kgs. Well, you know what happened. You can do this, Tully :)
ReplyDeleteAll of those small steps will add up to a big leap. Baby steps and patience will get you where you want to go.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it.
When you are ready, I am only an email or phonecall away. Seriously!
ReplyDeleteClaire
'been there'...
ReplyDeleteYOU can do it chick...if you really want to.
I tell myself that every day too...
Good luck, it's only a number, but if it shocks you into doing something about the weight... then it's a GOOD number.
It's so tough facing up to new numbers, I really feel for you, I've been there and back again. I know I should be saying the number doesn't matter but I know when I've been there I've never learned to be convinced of that :$
ReplyDeleteI hope good can come from it, your goals are doable, more than doable. Like CouchPotato said facing up to this might be the catalyst to taking control.
take care
x
I know exactly how you feel, babe... I almost reached a VERY scary number (140kg) and was totally shocked when I got on the scales to see that. From memory, it took me a few weeks to actually do something about it, though... sometimes it's just so hard when you feel that down about yourself to muster up the energy it takes to believe that you might be able to make some changes.
ReplyDeleteI've discovered something interesting on the way back down, though. I thought I wouldn't start to feel good about myself until I was back down to my lowest weight, but even after 7kg I was noticing a difference and feeling a bit more confident. Even losing 5kg is worth it.
I'm here if you ever need support, lovely lady. I believe in you!
xxx