Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Living A Bad Dream

Ever since my mum got sick I really haven't had much to say on this blog. Well actually I have plenty to say, but I just can't handle how sad and depressing my own thoughts are right now. I am trying to think of the best way to describe how I am feeling, but every time I let myself think about it my eyes well up with tears and I am at work so I better keep a lid on things!

I do want to give an update on how things are for those of you who have been so kind as to enquire. My mum finished up her chemo and radiotherapy in the middle of August. Unfortunately she was too sick to complete the full course they had planned, she did the absolute best she could, but her body was too weak.

Over the past few months she has gained some strength back and is able to do a few things around the house and even occasionally accompany me to the supermarket or the gift shop she likes to look in. Unfortunately she is in a lot of pain and has breathing difficulties so even her best days are not exactly great. I am very grateful that we have had these last few months though because she was so sick after her treatment that we didn't think she would make it.

The doctors have not given us any hope that she could beat the cancer, but of course I keep hoping for a miracle. We have no indication of how long she has left but I hope she will be one of those people who can brag one day that "doctors told me I was going to die 6 years ago and now I am healthier than ever".

Dealing with my mum's illness and mortality has been such a devastating experience. It feels like I have been hit by a grenade and the world is just going on as usual all around me and no one understands what is happening.

It just feels surreal that everyone else's lives are going on as normal. It feels even more surreal when my own life goes on as normal and I am sitting at work doing boring paperwork or going to the races all the while the worst thing ever is happening and I can't stop it. It's like being in a living nightmare.

I really want to say more but just letting the thoughts enter my head is a bit much right now.


ps Writing this made me almost cry a lot and every time I was about to lose it I looked at this because it makes me laugh a lot!


  1. You are a very special human being, Tully.

    Many hugs xx

  2. I've been reading your blog for a few months now and can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Such a desperately sad situation for you and your mum. Sending you lots of love and happy thoughts xx

  3. hugs. im sorry. have you both thought of contacting the gawler foundation? they are incredibly supportive (i had ovarian cancer). they also have retreats. xx

  4. I wish you a miracle Sweet xx
    Thank you for sharing how things are for you and your mum.
    Sending you blessings and love always xxx

  5. Oh honey, this is absolutely the fucking pits. I know there's nothing I can say to make it better or easier, but please please let me know if there's anything I can do for you xoxo

  6. I am so very sorry Tully. I can't imagine what you're going through - only that it must be so, so hard. x

  7. I do understand what you are saying about the world going on around you and it feels like no one understands what you are dealing with. Alot of us do.
    Please use your blog to vent and cry or whatever you need to do if it will help even a tiny bit.
    Sadly with work etc life goes on no matter what we are dealing with. I found that out the hard way. Take care Tully :)

  8. Bless you Tully. I am so sorry things have happened like this. Life is so effing unfair!

  9. {{{HUGS}}} Chick. I know how it feels, having lived through my Mum's battle with cancer... we were lucky. She won the fight.

    It is a surreal feeling knowing what is going on in your family, yet still having to function as if nothing was wrong.

    It is hard, but we all just have to carry on and get through each day as it unfolds, and do the best we can to be there for our family, and in your case, your Mum.


Awww thanks so much for the comment!