Lately I have been less and less inclined to push myself to lose anymore weight. I feel like I am in a place where my current weight and fitness allows me to do everything I want in life. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life worrying about dieting and the guilt and self-criticism that comes with it. I have spent 25 years letting weight consume my life and I think the healthiest thing for me right now is to learn to love my body, rather than lose those last 10 kilos.
My original fantasy goal weight was 65 kilos (143 lbs) and it is probably quite achievable for me and it would mean I am a ‘healthy’ BMI weight. I don’t actually know how much I weigh right now (I’m not interested in the scales) but I would guess I am about 78 kilos (171.5 lbs). Ideally I would prefer to lose a few kilos and sit comfortably at 75 kilos because I feel healthier at that weight and my clothes fit better. Losing those last few kilos is something that I hope will happen naturally as I continue to do the exercises I enjoy and eat well for my body. To be honest, the only reason I am not 75 kilos now is because I continue to over-eat on chocolate and I know my weight would drop down if I had a little more self control!
I have a lot of friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances that I have watched obsess over losing the same 5 or 10 kilos. To me they seemed to be perfectly healthy, happy and gorgeous people and I wondered why they would waste so much time worrying about a few kilos. I guess I now put myself in that category and I think I am at a weight that I can realistically maintain and be fit and happy, so I think it’s best that I settle here for a while.
In saying all this, the one thing I do want to do is have my tummy tuck. I would say that the excess skin I have and the hanging apron stomach is the one thing that holds me back. It does make exercise difficult, it does make buying clothes difficult, it does make maintaining hygiene difficult, it does make me feel extremely self conscious and it does make me feel like I still weigh 130 kilos (286 lbs). I want to be someone that loves their body and I just can’t until this skin is gone.
I will get the surgery to remove the excess skin eventually. It is probably not in the cards for the next 12 months due to work and financial situations, but I intend on making it a priority after I have my work and finances sorted. It’s exciting and scary at the same time to think that I am finally in a place where I don’t have to hurt and deprive my body. After the way I have mistreated my body over the years I am ready to learn to nourish and treat it with kindness.