Take Me Back

I am pretty sure I have not been whingey and depressing enough lately, so I thought I better check in to let you all know that the day after I fell down my stairs and painfully tore ligaments in my ankle, I came down with bronchitis and the flu. This will happen when you brag to your friends and colleagues that you haven't had so much as a cold in over 3 years. I deserved that.

So I am supposed to be working hard before I take 6 weeks off work to look after my mum, but instead I have been confined to bed all week because every single inch of my body hurts. Even my hair hurts... who knew that was possible. Also my communication has to be done via a whiteboard because I can't get enough oxygen in my lungs to speak. Which is lucky for anyone around me because my extreme grumpiness is less likely to transmit via whiteboard.

I used to be jealous of my colleagues who would take a week off work every year for the flu... turns out it isn't as much fun as I imagined. There is no laying on the couch watching movies in my flannelette pyjamas and eating a box of chocolates... instead I am just sitting here trying to breath and dripping in sweat from a fever while I try and swallow tablets almost as big as my finger. I normally gag on anything bigger than a tic tac....

On the bright side, there may be some much needed weight loss side effects, seeing as I have barely eaten all week. Unfortunately the 4 litres of juice I am drinking each day probably has about 17,000 calories in it. Oh well, let's face it, I have never been one of those people who lose weight when they are sick. I must be the only person who gained 5 kilos the week I had all 4 wisdom teeth out. I have a strong commitment to ice cream!

So right now, all I want in the entire world is to be drinking cocktails from buckets and shotting alcohol that burns as it goes down my chest on a hot night in crazy Bangkok. Transport me now please? I definitely have to start planning another holiday soon!

Be Kind Rewind

Last week I was waiting for a tram after work and holding onto my phone in my hand, not doing anything with it, just holding it so I would hear it if it rang (because I obviously seem to believe I am super important and can't miss a single call). It suddenly dawned on me how amazing it was that with the push of a button I could hear my mum's voice on the end of the phone line within seconds. I then realised that it may not be long before I won't be able to do that ever again. I won't ever be able to pick up the phone and hear my mum's voice and it was a realisation that left me breathless with sadness.

I am trying so hard to appreciate every moment I have left with my mum. I know that I am very lucky to get the chance to do this because so many people have their loved ones torn away suddenly. I am trying to be present and take everything in, but I have to say that sometimes it is just so emotionally overwhelming to have to think this way. I wish I could just have one day where I could relax and be happy with my mum without having to constantly play "this could be the last time ......" in my head over and over again.

What is even worse than that is when I start to think about all the things that we will never do together again. My mum is not well enough to do a lot of things anymore and so I know it means we won't ever go shopping together again or decide to try the latest fad diet and then laugh at how awful it was. She won't be able to whip me up a dress on her sewing machine or spend hours making a special recipe she thought I would enjoy.

Don't get me started on the things that we never got to do together because that is more than I can bear to think about.

I just want to rewind time, or at least pause, I don't want to go forward anymore.