Living A Bad Dream

Ever since my mum got sick I really haven't had much to say on this blog. Well actually I have plenty to say, but I just can't handle how sad and depressing my own thoughts are right now. I am trying to think of the best way to describe how I am feeling, but every time I let myself think about it my eyes well up with tears and I am at work so I better keep a lid on things!

I do want to give an update on how things are for those of you who have been so kind as to enquire. My mum finished up her chemo and radiotherapy in the middle of August. Unfortunately she was too sick to complete the full course they had planned, she did the absolute best she could, but her body was too weak.

Over the past few months she has gained some strength back and is able to do a few things around the house and even occasionally accompany me to the supermarket or the gift shop she likes to look in. Unfortunately she is in a lot of pain and has breathing difficulties so even her best days are not exactly great. I am very grateful that we have had these last few months though because she was so sick after her treatment that we didn't think she would make it.

The doctors have not given us any hope that she could beat the cancer, but of course I keep hoping for a miracle. We have no indication of how long she has left but I hope she will be one of those people who can brag one day that "doctors told me I was going to die 6 years ago and now I am healthier than ever".

Dealing with my mum's illness and mortality has been such a devastating experience. It feels like I have been hit by a grenade and the world is just going on as usual all around me and no one understands what is happening.

It just feels surreal that everyone else's lives are going on as normal. It feels even more surreal when my own life goes on as normal and I am sitting at work doing boring paperwork or going to the races all the while the worst thing ever is happening and I can't stop it. It's like being in a living nightmare.

I really want to say more but just letting the thoughts enter my head is a bit much right now.

 

 

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ps Writing this made me almost cry a lot and every time I was about to lose it I looked at this because it makes me laugh a lot!

Race Day Dress



We had planned to head to the races again this year because we had soooo much fun last year, but due to a rather massive weight gain I ended up dreading it because I had no idea what to wear. None of my clothes in my wardrobe fit me. So I ordered a dress online from ezibuy exactly to my measurements but it ended up being too big around my bottom half and I had to return it. I knew a shopping trip would be a torturous and unsuccessful venture due to my wonky body shape right now. So I just tried to ignore the whole thing... good plan!

 

Then while reading blogs I saw a cute dress on a plus size Australian fashion blogger's post on race day fashion. Perfect! I strode into City Chic, tried the dress on and took it home. I didn't look at anything else because I was in no shopping mood. It stung a little that I was back shopping in the plus size shops. It stung even more that the dress was $179.95. Oh well, suck it up, we all have much bigger problems than the size tag on our clothes!

 

Then, the day before the races, I was in Target looking at bras and I saw a cute dress that proposed to sculpt your shape. I had major doubts that a white skin tight dress could work for me, but I tried it on and it really did work miracles. Even better, it was only $39 (obviously I will return the other dress). Jackpot!

 

It was such a relief to find something flattering and comfortable to wear. I was able to relax and just enjoy myself and I had a fantastic day. Now, if only all my clothes came with in-built body sculpt material I could have my cake and eat it too! 

 

Me and AJ before we left home

Our group in front of the track



Me and the girls (my two sister-in-laws and my high school best friend)

 

Body Lift Surgery- 1 Year Anniversary

The massive lead up to Spring Racing Carnival here in Melbourne has done nothing but remind me of the 1 year anniversary of my body lift surgery which I had on Melbourne Cup Day last year. I have had a lot of mixed emotions about this anniversary, both how I was feeling a year ago and how I feel now. I really wish it was easier to push aside these thoughts, but when I live a 15 minute walk from the racecourse there is no chance of forgetting my surgery anniversary!

First and foremost, I have to say that my body lift surgery was a 100% positive experience and it is honestly the best thing I have ever done for myself. I have written in great detail about my experience here, so if you are looking to learn more about body lift surgery hopefully I have answered all your questions (if not, feel free to ask). This time last year I was just so excited and hopeful for my life post-surgery and it is hard to reconcile those happy memories with how I feel now-- not just about my body, but my entire life.

The reason I am struggling with my feelings about the 1 year anniversary of my surgery is because I am disappointed in how much weight I have gained. I wanted this surgery so badly and I really did not think I would gain 20-25 kilos (44-55 lbs) in the year after surgery. Sigh. Everyone has been very generous and cut me some slack due to the horrible situation with my mum's illness and the stress surrounding it, but I am still massively disappointed in myself.

The weight I have re-gained has distributed itself all over my body, except for on my stomach, which remains quite flat. The bulk of the weight has gone onto my back and chest, with my thighs and arms also getting their fair share. I have never gained weight in these places before so at first it didn't bother me, it was actually a bit of a novelty, but 20 kilos later it is not so funny!

It has been a whole new experience getting used to being fat in totally different areas. I am not enjoying the cellulite on my thighs and I am quite self conscious of my rather large chest. There is just no hiding my size 20 E boobs! I feel like a complete stranger in my skin because nothing is the same anymore.

The only other thing worth mentioning is that I still feel quite numb around my scar. I can tell if something is touching me, but I can't really feel it properly. This doesn't bother me at all, but it does feel a little strange. I also feel a weird mix of numbness and dull pain on my hips/upper (outside) thighs when I am exercising. Once again, this doesn't bother me, but if I was a runner it would make life difficult because just running for the tram occasionally is painful enough.

I have tried to be as honest and open about this body lift process as possible, so that means some photos at 1 year out from surgery.

This photo shows the overhang I still have under my boobs that my surgeon wants to do another surgery to remove.

A close up of my scar on my hip, which I think has healed awesomely.

The back view of my scar and bum crack!

It gets worse, sorry for TMI... here is the front view!

I have finally managed to get myself back in the right head space to work on losing the weight again. I realise it took me about 6-12 months to gain the weight, so I have to accept it will take the same time to lose the weight again. As much as I would love to wake up and weigh around 75 kilos (165 lbs) tomorrow... no amount of wishing is going to help, just hard work.