Sunday, August 29, 2010

What Lies Beneath

Most of the time as we lose weight we are celebrating our new slimmer bodies, fitting into smaller sized clothes, reaching new fitness goals and living life to the full. But, losing a significant amount of weight can be an emotional experience and brings to the fore a lot of feelings that we used to bury in food.

I went out for drinks with a friend on Friday night and, very unexpectedly, I received a bit of attention from guys. I am not used to this at all and it was quite surprising and unwelcome. I felt uneasy about it on Saturday, but for the most part I just pushed it away in my mind, but unfortunately my subconscious wasn't so successful. Last night I had quite a horrific nightmare about being out drinking with this same friend and then being sexually attacked by a man. The last thing I remember in the dream before I woke up was thinking "I wish I had never lost weight and then this wouldn't be happening".

The lap band is a tool that can help you to stop overeating physically, but it obviously doesn't deal with the reasons why we were eating ourselves to death in the first place. I had always thought that I overate because I was just a pig and because I loved food so much. I knew that eating was a comfort for me, but I didn't really know why. I really never tried to understand why I overeat, in fact, I actively avoided thinking about it. I guess if I really want to successfully lose weight with the lap band I need to make an effort to understand why I want to overeat.

Right now I am feeling quite flat and like eating my weight in chocolate would be a nice idea. Why can't getting a lap band just be easy...


  1. Hi Tully, love following your blog. I am in the thick of battling a huge psychological block at the moment. Want to get my band, but losing those 20 kilos first has been suprisingly hellish.It's not that I can't do it - I'm realising that it's not because I have zero self control. It's deeper than that - something in me does not want me to get that band and lose the weight I've been carrying around for over 10 years. I have a feeling that my weight gain has been my subconscious method of forcing space between myself and the rest of the world... So frustrating. Thinking of getting some counselling. Anyway, sorry to ramble on! Just wanted to let you know I understand exactly what you are saying.

  2. I haven't had a lap band..
    But i have been a constant over-eater for years and years..
    Your definatly not alone in using your weight as a barrier to protect yourself from being in intimate situations.

    You might hate me for this.. but have you thought about therapy?

    It helped me sooo much in overcoming some of my issues.. including my issues with trusting men.

  3. I realized something as I was getting ready for banding and that was I liked being invisible. I didn't want to be the object of men's gazes. It was a double edge sword because as freeing as it was to not care what others thought and to not be noticed I was also cutting myself off from the world which can be very lonely as well.

    I've been reading a few books about emotional eating which has also helped me to gain some additional insight into why I eat when I'm not hungry. I'd recommend checking out a few.

  4. Hey Tully - unsolicited attention can be extemely intimidating & I'm sorry it gave you a nightmare.

    I have every confidence you will work through this & use the attention to make yourself feel GOOD. You deserve it mate!!!

  5. Hey there- I totally get this feeling. When I first hit the under 200 lb mark (the new year) I was excited to get some male attention- I was hoping it would be the respectful kind- nothing over the top but just a little boost (also am married so wanted to see if my wt ls had any effect on the opposite sex other than my husband).

    Nothing changed.

    So then I was kind of bummed. I thought, well what's the problem here, I thought men liked thinner women?

    Then, when I was ready to move past receiving external validation I suddenly got more attention, it came in clumps. And it seems that over the time since I have lost weight the new meme that has developed is that I am "attractive" (I use quotes because I am not sure if I am attractive or not and wouldn't want to take that for granted and have ppl think I am deluded!).

    What am I trying to say?

    I don't know. Just that it really is hard. I want some attention but not too much and I want it to come only from certain people- which isn't something anyone can control!

    I'm getting used to attention from men now and strangely it's from men in their late teens/early 20's (I'm 33) and I have no idea why that age group is more obvious about flirting, maybe I come across as a cougar ;-)

    But it's getting easier to roll with it.


Awww thanks so much for the comment!