I was reading Russell Brand’s book, My Booky Wook, the other day and a passage I read gave me chills. He talks a lot of his drug addiction and the way he describes giving into it really resonated with how I feel about food.
The moment when you decide not to try any more is always such a relief with an addiction… that ‘Ah, fuck it’ moment, there’s some sort of beauty in that – maybe even more so than in the drugs themselves. There’s something about the collapse, the yielding; it’s giving into death I suppose, but it kind of makes you feel at ease.
I do still feel like it is an effort in every moment, of every day to not binge eat. Lately I haven’t been strong enough to fight it and I have experienced that ‘ah, fuck it’ moment more than I care to admit. It really is the one moment of calm I feel in between the constant strain to not overeat and the inevitable post-binge guilt.
Realising over the past 6 months how bad my emotional eating is makes me feel like such a lap band failure. I feel bad to talk to my lap band doctor about how hard it is because they don’t want to hear that the lap band isn’t solving all my problems. I feel bad that I am not like everyone else with the lap band that forgets to eat, doesn’t obsess over food and doesn’t overeat.
I have spent the (almost) 2 years that I have had the lap band trying to lose weight and I lost focus on my mental and physical health. I still have more weight to lose, but for now I might need to take a break from ‘dieting’ and just try to work on my health and happiness. I’m sure my upcoming 6 day Easter weekend and the abundance of delicious Easter candy won’t make that difficult at all…
I would love to read his book - he certainly seems like an interesting fellow. That passage definitely resonates with me as well - as another lapbander who still obsesses over food all day, every day (I wonder how many of us there are?). I think your decision to focus on your health and happiness is great - you deserve to be both of those things!
ReplyDeleteVery powerful passage!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are struggling. I know I've certainly had times where it has been really hard and other times that I've given into tempatation. It happens to the best of us.
Still, when I look at your stats I see you consistantly making progress. Maybe you're "white knuckling" it all the time, but I doubt you'd have been so consistant if you weren't making strides over your negative habits. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit.
Despite all the mind stuff and the suffering as the food tries to assault and challenge you, have a look at the figure on the right. A kilo or two every month for the last ages even when you were having a bad time.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of fans and what you are doing and are brave enough to put out there continues to be an inspirational trip. Thank you for letting us share in the voyage.
I think you lose sight of the fact of just what you've achieved and how fabulous you look (and I'm sure feel). Stop beating yourself up about this ideal weight that we're supposed to be. What you've achieved so far has already done sooo much for your health, your joints and your self-esteem!
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the most successful and inspiring laplanders I know. Given that you have lost over 50kg, you are such a long way from ever being considered a failure!!
ReplyDeleteDont be so hard on yourself! You are a huge success in my book.
xx
ps. I agree with the others - you may not have followed all the lapband 'rules' but you have certainly succeeded in anyone's terms - 50+ kg is a huge amount of weight to lose, particularly given you've had holidays and crazy jobs and all sorts of other things going on in that time! You should be super proud of yourself - we are all proud of you!
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Hey Tully, I agree with the others - you really are being way too hard on yourself. I dare say that your doc would say he/she knows that the band doesn't solve everything & may not help with the head stuff; the band is a tool to help you lose weight, not so much as to deal with binging/obsessing over food. I recon they'd have great people to refer you to to help out with the rest :0)
ReplyDeleteNow that you are at a more comfortable weight is an IDEAL time to work on your health & happiness. Life is to short mate - happiness is pretty important!!!!!!!
Have a fabulous easter. I've already eaten way to much chocolate!!!!!!!
I agree with AlleyCat - life is too short to be unhappy.
ReplyDeleteJust also wanted to say I think you look fantastic, you are definitely inspirational. It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it only matters how many times you get up again.
Take a step back and see where you have come from. You're not 125 kilos anymore. You have shed a dramatic amount of weight. You are a lap band patient that has been successful.
ReplyDeleteYou're only going to lose more weight in the times ahead.
Maybe stick an old fat photo on your fridge to remind you how far you have come? xx
Wow! That really resonated with me. I feel that struggle everyday and he put words to it so well. Thank you for sharing.
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