I was reading Russell Brand’s book, My Booky Wook, the other day and a passage I read gave me chills. He talks a lot of his drug addiction and the way he describes giving into it really resonated with how I feel about food.
The moment when you decide not to try any more is always such a relief with an addiction… that ‘Ah, fuck it’ moment, there’s some sort of beauty in that – maybe even more so than in the drugs themselves. There’s something about the collapse, the yielding; it’s giving into death I suppose, but it kind of makes you feel at ease.
I do still feel like it is an effort in every moment, of every day to not binge eat. Lately I haven’t been strong enough to fight it and I have experienced that ‘ah, fuck it’ moment more than I care to admit. It really is the one moment of calm I feel in between the constant strain to not overeat and the inevitable post-binge guilt.
Realising over the past 6 months how bad my emotional eating is makes me feel like such a lap band failure. I feel bad to talk to my lap band doctor about how hard it is because they don’t want to hear that the lap band isn’t solving all my problems. I feel bad that I am not like everyone else with the lap band that forgets to eat, doesn’t obsess over food and doesn’t overeat.
I have spent the (almost) 2 years that I have had the lap band trying to lose weight and I lost focus on my mental and physical health. I still have more weight to lose, but for now I might need to take a break from ‘dieting’ and just try to work on my health and happiness. I’m sure my upcoming 6 day Easter weekend and the abundance of delicious Easter candy won’t make that difficult at all…