So The Shopping...

I got up early on Saturday morning and headed straight off to the shopping centre on a mission to find an outfit for my work functions this week. I took everything in the change rooms that was a 'maybe' and gave everything a shot. I ended up buying a cream silk top, with an interesting cut out design that I really quite liked from Basque at Myer. I would post a picture, but I can't find it online. It was $99.95 (so completely over priced) and I figured I could wear it with my trusty black pants and a black cardigan. It wasn't quite what I was looking for, but it did look sophisticated and I figured that it would look good with some great shoes, earrings and my hair and make up done well.

I got home and tried it on again and realised with a sense of dread that it did not flatter me at all, in fact, it looked terrible on me. I got so excited that something fit me and that I liked it, that I forgot about one important factor- does it look good on me? It billows from the top of my chest and gives me no shape at all, which is cute on a stick thin girl, but not on someone who weighs 120 kilos. I looked like a giant marshmallow cartoon character.

Sunday morning I got up and decided to try again, this time at another shopping centre on the other side of town. I have always had a lot of luck finding the perfect outfit at this shopping centre (chaddy for those of you in Melbs) so I had a good feeling about it. I loaded myself up with lots of options in the change rooms and slowly eliminated them (mostly because they were too tight around my stomach, which is where I carry my weight). I was waiting until last to try on a black suit, I knew if it fit that it would be perfect, but I also knew that I really couldn't afford it. Finally I tried it on and I knew I had to get it. It is a plain black, nicely cut suit jacket and skirt. I normally prefer to wear pants with suits, but they just don't suit my shape at the moment because they are too tight around my stomach and too baggy around my legs/bum.

So, needless to say, I was desperate and I put the suit on my credit card and it was $180 for the jacket and $90 for the skirt. I wouldn't have a problem if I thought I would get lots of wear out of it, but it is a little too professional looking for most things I attend (it scares off some clients). Plus, I had to buy the jacket in a size 20 (biggest size they had) and the skirt in a size 24. The skirt fits me perfect now, the jacket is a bit too small, by the time the jacket (hopefully) fits me better, the skirt will be too big. I guess I can get it altered at a tailor.

While I was shopping, I found a black top that flattered my shape perfectly (tight over the boobs, drapes over the stomach) and was only $49. It wasn't right for my work events, but it will be good for everyday work days. So of course I also bought it in the only other colour it came in, purple. I wore it to work today and I was talking to a colleague when she asked me if I had bought my top from Basque, because her mum had bought the exact same top in purple. Her mum. Great... That was the moment where I should have owned up and said that I also bought it in purple, but I was embarrassed and chickened out. So now I am probably going to return it because I am to embarrassed to wear it at work and I can't afford to keep a new top that I won't wear to work.

I am overwhelmingly relieved that I found something to wear, but I won't be stepping foot in a shopping centre for quite some time.

TGIF

I have had the worst week at work ever. I thought I had been stressed at work in the past, but this took things to a new level. My eye twitch is all aflutter and I have had a headache every day from the stress. Anyway, I try not to talk about work too much here, but it is all I can think about right now. I try to be thankful that I have a job, but some days it is a struggle.

Tomorrow is part 2 of shopping for work clothes. Part 1 didn't go so well, but I need to find something to wear to some major work events next week and I will not leave without an outfit. I am predicting there will be blood, sweat and tears, but I am determined not to leave that shopping centre empty handed. Stay tuned.

Have a fabulous weekend. I am going to enjoy every blissful second of not being at work.

Wax On, Wax Off

I slid on my trusty black pants this morning (AKA the only pants that fit me) and something felt different. Right away I thought that it must be that they feel looser and I had lost weight. All morning I was sashaying around feeling all slinky and sexy and it wasn't until lunch time that reality hit me. It wasn't that I had lost weight that made the pants feel different, it was that I had finally waxed my legs. I had let my legs get so fuzzy that when I waxed them it was like I dropped a size on my legs. If only it was that easy all the time...

Out Of Control

So how interesting is it that the day I put pressure on myself to 'step it up' is also the first day I have binged and felt out of control this year...

I was perfectly happy just kicking along and doing my best and then I go and start Weight Watchers and stress myself out because I didn't lose any weight on the program. Then I decide to push myself harder and do an hour of exercise a day and cut down carbs and I just come undone. I have not felt like binging for the last 6 weeks, until I put pressure on myself and try to 'diet'.

So I ate out of control for the last two days until I came to my senses and dropped the weight watchers and the pressure and went back to what was working for me. Back to the way I was doing things when I lost 5 kilos earlier this year. Phew, what a relief.

So counting points, tracking my food and weighing my portions can fuck off, it is way too obsessive for me. I found it super frustrating that when I made a casserole or a stir fry it would take me 15 minutes to work out the points in the meal. I was starting to be put off preparing fresh foods and instead eating the pre-packaged weight watchers crap so I didn't have to work out the points. Don't even start me on how ridiculous I found weighing every thing before I ate it... I know it works for a lot of people, but I guess I am way too lazy!

One more diet to add to my "Tried and Failed" list.

Stepping It Up

After 3 weeks of following the Weight Watchers Online plan strictly, I am finally back to my pre-WW weight. So 3 weeks of WW and $75 and I am back where I started. I have painstakingly tracked and weighed every morsel of food before I put it in my mouth and followed the plan to a tee but I didn't lose any weight.

I am not giving up on WW just yet, mostly because I paid for 3 months, but I think I just need to put some more thought into my approach. I had hoped that if I blindly followed the plan I would be ok, but I guess it doesn't work for everyone. My body hates carbs and as long as I continue to incorporate them in my diet, I won't lose weight. So this week my challenge is to cut down the carbs. Sigh. God I love carbs.

The worst part about cutting carbs is that it requires me to put a lot more time and effort into food planning and I just don't feel like I have much extra time at the moment. A typical day for me is as follows:

6.00 am- Get out of bed and get ready for work
6.30 am- Leave for work
7.30 am- Arrive at work
7.30 am - Work
5.30 pm- Go home
6.30 pm- Arrive home
6.30 pm - Prepare and eat dinner
7.30 pm- Relax, watch TV, talk on phone, email friends, pay bills
8.30 pm- Shower, wash, blow dry and straighten my hair
9.00 pm- Check work emails on UK time/UK teleconference
10.00 pm- Organise lunch for work, iron clothes for work, pack dishwasher, tidy up
10.30 pm- Go to bed

You may also notice there is no exercise in that schedule. I know, I know, I have to make time for exercise. As of today my one hour of free time, from 7.30-8.30 pm will be exercise time. It doesn't exactly thrill me, but it has to be done if I want to get healthy. Let's hope this extra effort will start to give me some results.

Fatter Than Fat

I went shopping on the weekend to escape the 48 degree temperatures (that wasn't a typo, it was 48C or 118F in Point Cook where I live) on Saturday and it turns out that was a big mistake. I started in Myer and begrudgingly grabbed the size 24's on the wrack and imagine my horror when not single thing I tried on fit me. At first I thought I had picked up the wrong sizes or that the clothes were badly shaped. Of course I could only carry on this delusion for so long before I realised that I am just too fat for fat clothes. The horror.

I have gone from last year fitting into a size 16 in a normal size shop, to currently not fitting into the largest size available at a plus size clothes department. The thing is, I wasn't just shopping for fun, I need clothes for work. I have worn the same pair of black (stretchy) pants to work every day since Christmas. I am starting to wonder if people at work are making fun of me behind my back. The worst thing is that I have a very important two day work event at the end of this month whereby I will be talking to every single one of my clients and I must dress professionally.

I used to have a pretty good supply of plus size business and casual clothes, but I gave it all away to the Salvos when I lost weight. Every time I think I have this thing kicked, it just comes back faster and harder it seems.

This clothing debacle came on top of me deciding to peak at the scales that morning, only to see a gain. WTF. This is why I hate weighing myself. I do everything right and still gain. Maybe it is just normal body fluctuations, but maybe I am eating too much/not enough on Weight Watchers. And so the mind games begin...

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Of course, given the tragic events in Victoria since Saturday I can see that this pales in comparison to what other people around me are going through. I am just glad being fat is all I have to worry about. I am heartbroken that my favourite place in the whole world has been totally wiped out by the fires, my dream to move to Marysville and open a cupcake shop has been dashed... My heart goes out to everyone who lost their loved ones and homes.

Sweet Secrets

I have a bit of a strange problem that has no doubt contributed to my weight gain over the years. Ever since I can remember I get very strong cravings for sweet foods in the middle of the night. They are so strong that I end up getting up and looking for biscuits and chocolate or anything remotely sweet. Once I eat, I sleep soundly for the rest of the night.

I remember once, when I was about 8 year old, getting up in the middle of the night and searching for something sweet. The only thing I could find was a tin of peaches and in my half asleep state I got my finger stuck between the lid and the base of the tin while trying to open it. There was blood everywhere and my screaming woke up my family and of course alerted them to my little problem... I mean, who eats tinned fruit in the middle of the night?

The weird(er) thing is that I actually don't like sweet food very much, on a normal day I would take a pizza, hot chips or a hamburger over chocolate every time. I hate overly sweet things like lollies, jelly beans, meringue and caramel and would never buy them. Yet, when it comes to middle of the night cravings, I'll eat any sweet things I can find. The sweeter, the better.

Over the years it has gotten worse and I now ask my flatmate to hide any sweet food we have in the house so I won't eat it in the middle of the night. I have to say that I don't do it every night and sometimes I will go weeks without the urge. I have been doing well this week with stopping myself from midnight eating, but it has been tough and has taken some serious self control not to eat a whole packet of Weight Watchers chocolate muffins. I do really want to beat this because it makes me feel revolting when I wake up in the morning and I hate feeling so out of control. Does this happen to anyone else?

Weight Watchers Questions

I am enjoying Weight Watcher Online, but I am feeling a bit in the dark about a few things as I wasn’t really given any information when I signed up. Most of what I know about following WW is what I have learned by reading other blogs, so I am hoping you guys can help.

Firstly, I have been allocated 25 points per day, which seems like a lot to me. This was given to me when I entered my height, weight and age into the website and doesn’t take anything else into account. So how many points do other people follow? I am finding that I naturally eat about 17-20 points a day, should I push myself to eat more (I won’t complain about that!)?

By the end of the week, I had accumulated a lot of extra points that I hadn’t been able to eat and I wasn’t sure if it was in my best interest to use them or let go of them. I didn’t have any plans that involved eating extra points, so I decided to go out to lunch and a movie with a friend, but it felt stupid to use the points just for the sake of it. The funny thing was, I only ended up using an extra 5 points for the day anyway! So, is it best to eat all you allocated points for the week or to not push it if you don’t need to?

One more question, I find that I could easily fit a glass of wine and a small chocolate into my points every day, which I would find very enjoyable, but somewhat decadent. Do other people have these sorts of treats every day or would that be abusing the system? It seems so foreign to me that I could eat a cheeseburger and it would fit in with my points, but I am guessing this definitely would be abusing the system?

Sorry for so many questions, but I would really love to hear how other people deal with these things and I am not feeling ready to attend a meeting just yet.

February Weigh In

I am not a big fan of weighing myself regularly, as I have talked about previously. I don't want to get hung up on the numbers, so this year I am just weighing myself on the 1st of every month as a way to track my progress.

So today is the 1st of February and I desperately wanted to see a lower number on the scale and get far away from the hideous number I saw at the start of the year. I have to say that I was very pleasantly surprised with the number I saw today.

January 5th: 125.4 kilos (275.8 lbs)
February 1st: 119.7 kilos (263.3 lbs)
= 5.4 kilo loss (11.8 lbs)

It sounds like a big loss, and it is, but my clothes aren't really feeling any different yet and I look in the mirror and feel like I look the same. It will take time to feel like myself again, I sat at about 100 kilos for a while and anything above that feels unnatural.

I am sure this weight loss will slow down in the next month, but I will be happy to end every month with a loss, no matter how small it is.