Try Again

My geeky flatmate quoted Yoda from Star Wars a month or so ago and it has really struck a chord with me. I haven't seen Star Wars, but I hear it is quite a famous quote:

'Do, or do not. There is no try.'

I have always been one of those people who will say that 'I'll try my best to do exercise tonight' or 'I'll try and eat healthy this week'. I always thought that having good intentions was the best I could do, but now I can see that 'trying' was just leading to failure. When I say that I am going to try and do something, I am already admitting to myself that I may fail.

I am kind of a big softy and always make excuses for myself and other people, something I constantly say is 'that as long as you tried your best, that is all you can do'. In some circumstances this is true, but I can see now that this isn't the case when it comes to food and exercise. Eating healthy and exercising are both things that only I have control over. No one has ever held a gun to my head and forced me to eat pizza or chained me to a chair so that I can't exercise.

I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago and there have already been a heap of excuses I could have used not to go, and sometimes I almost didn't go, but I just keep remembering that I can try and do this or I can do this. I know that sometimes life gets in the way and so there will be days when I plan to go to the gym and then can't go. That doesn't mean that my goal of going to the gym a minimum of 4 times a week will be compromised, it just means I have to go to the gym on a Sunday to make up for that missed session.

EXCUSES THAT ARE NO LONGER TOLERATED
~ I have a cold
~ I had a long/stressful day at work
~ I have a headache
~ I'm tired
~ I'm hung over
~ I don't have time (or want to make time)
~ I have cramps
~ It's cold and rainy and I just want to stay in bed
~ I forgot to wash my gym clothes

Ups & Downs

When I got the lap band I decided to take a more zen attitude to the scales. I knew that if I ate the right food and did my exercise, the weight will come off over the next couple of years. So I decided that I wasn't going to get hysterical when the scales showed random 600 gram gains for no particular reason. I was going to look at those gains and just know that my body would experience many ups and downs along the way, for many different reasons, and to take the bad with the good.

So that was the plan. Of course reality is a different story...

I seem to have gained a kilo this week and I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I know this is because I am slowly starting to introduce more food into my diet and my body is responding to having actual food for the first time in about 9 weeks. This seems completely reasonable and it has happened to a lot of people who get banded. I know I am doing the right thing, I am exercising and eating small healthy portions, so there isn't anything to worry about.

I guess I am more impatient than anything. There are certain numbers on the scale that I want to see the back of and seeing them rear their ugly heads again just pisses me off. It annoys me even more that I know that I shouldn't worry about these little ups and downs on the scale and I still let it get to me. I think it is time for me to put the scale in the cupboard for a few days.

Gym Bunny

There are about 6 months left in this year and it is my goal to lose 25 kilos during that time. It is a completely realistic goal and would mean losing about 800 grams a week. I know I can't do this without stepping the exercise right up and strolling along on my home treadmill just isn't going to do the trick. So on Friday I decided to join the local gym.

I haven't joined a gym for about 4 years, mostly because I didn't want to spend the money when I had a perfectly good treadmill at home. This time it is different and I have decided to pull out all the stops. I made the agonising decision to have a lap band, went through the pre-surgery diet, laid out the $$$ and dealt with the post-surgery pain, so fucked if I am going to do this half arsed!

So I joined the gym on Friday and then went down for my first work out on Friday night and I loved it. I loved it so much that I went back this morning (Saturday) and I am planning to go again tomorrow morning. I'll be aiming to go to the gym 4-5 times a week and there is really no reason why I shouldn't be able to achieve this goal. I realised recently that I need to think of my exercise time as a privilege, rather than a chore. There are so many people that don't have the time or have kids to look after or can't afford to go to the gym, so I need to appreciate that I am lucky to have this time to spend on my health and fitness.

The only thing that isn't so great about going to the gym is that I can't dance and sing on the treadmill when my favourite songs come on, it might look a bit weird in public...

What A Difference A Year Makes

I was just looking through some old photos while trying to help my mum find a photo to put on her online dating profile (which is practically child abuse) and I found two photos of myself that were taken exactly a year apart.


April 2008
Taken at a friend's wedding



April 2009
Taken on holidays in Darwin


Normally I would not allow such a hideous photo of myself to be posted on this blog, but I was so blown away by the difference that I made this exception.

I actually find it really hard to look at myself in the last photo, I just don't recognise myself at all. I still wonder how I let myself gain so much weight in such a short period of time and why I wasn't able to see what was happening.

Next time I want to binge or skip my exercise, I am just going to think back to these photos and and the two different people they represent. It is now up to me to choose who I want to be.

Hungry

I am finally officially done with the liquids stage of this lap band thing- hallelujah! Tonight I am going to have a scrambled egg and it is about the most exciting thing to happen to me in a while. Last night when I was out shopping I had some KFC potato and gravy and it turns out that stuff is really only good for dipping your chips in, not so good on its own.

I have been super fricken hungry over the last week and I can't wait to be able to eat normally again. I have been trawling recipe websites like they are porn lately and have book marked a heap of recipes I want to make as soon as I can eat again. I have also been looking up menus for the restaurants I want to go to and drooling over the delicious food. This lap band better work because I clearly have a problem!

I haven't had any guidance from my surgeon on what to eat during the 'soft food' stage and I have noticed that it varies for different people, some people seem to just eat thicker soups and yoghurt, while others are allowed to eat things like sheppards pie and quiche. What did other lap banders eat during this stage? Don't bother suggesting to me that I vitamise my food- it is not going to happen. I wouldn't even eat baby food when I was a baby, I have always had a big aversion to mushy foods. I know I am being a big sook, maybe I'll get hungry enough over the next two weeks to start blending my food...

First Weigh In After Surgery

Today is my first weigh in since surgery and I am now 116.5 kilos! I am really stoked with this and I really didn't expect to lose so much weight in the first week from surgery, but I guess it is not that shocking since I have barely eaten or drunk anything. So here are my stats since I began this whole lap band thing.

14th April 2009- Pre-surgery Diet: 129.7 kilos
22nd May 2009- Lap band surgery day: 120.2 kilos
1st June 2009: 116.5 kilos

Over the last few days I have felt like I could get a lot more down and at my cousin's 30th party on Saturday night I even ate 2 mini meat balls and 2 little bits of camembert cheese, which was extremely naughty of me because I am still supposed to be on liquids. I didn't have a problem eating them at all and I just chewed them to death. Then yesterday I was able to eat half a bowl of mash and gravy at lunch with the gorgeous bloggers Kitty and Cinders. I think I might be getting a bit ahead of myself and I don't want to stretch my band, so I have decided to go back on the optifast shakes for the next week. Just drinking normal liquids is making me feel nauseous from hunger, so I think the shakes will keep me fuller and give my body the nutrients I need.

I also got a lovely surprise in the mail today from Couch Potato from I'd Rather Be Sitting On The Couch (that blog title cracks me up every time!). She has lost a crap load of weight this year and was kind enough to send me some clothes that she has shrunk out of, and lucky for me, she has great taste! I just wish she lived in Melbourne so we could go out for some drinks!