The Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Charles Dickens
A Tale of Two Cities


I've read the above quote a lot this year because it has summed up so well how I have felt. I have had some of the lowest times of my life this year, but at the same time I knew things would get better. I knew that this year was about laying the foundations for bigger and better things.

I started off this year at my highest weight ever and with a lot of credit card debt. Funny how when your eating gets out of control it leads to other areas becoming unmanageable. I remember waking up on New Years Day and knowing I had a long road ahead of me to get my life back under control and I am proud of the efforts I have put in to get myself on track to where I want to be.

I have managed to lose about 30 kilos (give or take some Christmas bloat), which has given me back my life in so many ways that I couldn't even begin to list right now. I have also paid off all my credit card debt (about $15,000!), thanks to a couple of good bonuses at work, a pay rise, the stimulus package and a lot of scrimping and saving. Both these challenges seemed insurmountable at the start of the year and it has literally taken blood, sweat and tears, but I know now I have set myself up for the best of times in 2010.

I turn 30 on December 23 2010 (yep, just had my birthday) and I have a lot to tick off on my 30 before 30 list in the next year and I am going to have so much fun doing it. For the first time in a very long time, I am excited about what the future holds.

Wake Me When It's Over

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I may have already mentioned Christmas can be a bit of a rough time for me, so I am counting down the hours until today is over and life can get back to normal.

I am currently holed up in a skanky motel near the country town both my mum and dad live. My mum and gran were supposed to come to my place for Christmas lunch and then my gran was too sick to travel from her nursing home and my mum rang me last night (Christmas Eve) and said she was sick too and couldn't drive down to my place either. So I was kind of screwed because my dad and step-mum have plans with her family all day and both my brothers live overseas. I don't drive, so I tried to book a train ticket home and they were all sold out, so AJ took pity on me and said he'd drive me home that night on his way back to his family home (not that it is on the way). So we hastily packed some bags and set off at midnight after I frantically found the one motel that (very reluctantly) would allow me to check-in in the middle of the night.

The hotel boasts having a pool, so I thought it might be nice to take my big thick chick lit down and sit by the pool in the sun for the afternoon. I went down to the pool, which is located in the car park, and sat down for 2 minutes and watched the rubbish float in the water and then decided that my room was the best option.

Of course there is nothing to eat here and in my haste I only packed a packet of rice cakes. Mmmm, rice cakes for Christmas lunch... well I shouldn't knock it because I was hungry enough to eat the whole pack! Stupidly I decided not to pack any wine, I honestly have no idea what I was thinking, I had my hand on the bottle and I put in down. I just don't know what was going through my mind. Oh the regret...

So my dad and step mum will stop by my motel this afternoon in between their lunch and dinner plans and they seem really annoyed at me because I said I didn't want to go to my step-mum's family dinner with them. I barely know her family (though they seem nice) and everytime I see them they seem quite awkward about my existence, my step-mum is not much older than me and her family are a bit uncomfortable that my dad has grown kids. Plus, last time I saw them I was drunk and kept saying 'cunt' which they apparently found not too pleasant, especially around their grandson...

After my dad and step-mum leave, I am going to visit my mum and order a pizza for dinner- thank christ for pizza hut. She won't be eating because she managed to catch dysentery from an outbreak at my gran's nursing home last week. I thought briefly yesterday that I may have caught it too, but I realised that I was just sick from the amount of chocolate truffles I had eaten. AJ diagnosed me with a case of 'cream-stro' (ie. creamy food induced gastro). I am hopeful mum may have an old bottle of cooking sherry or something I can take back to my hotel room to drink tonight.

Don't worry, I am managing to laugh right now and not cry. There may be tears if I can't get my hands on any alcohol though, even I have my limits.

***UPDATE*** Crisis averted, mum had two bottles of red wine for me. Christmas is no time to be sober.

Hang In There

This has been a long year and thank christ it is nearly over. I am completely at the end of my rope and I'm exhuatsed. I think the long hours at work, travel, surgery and weight loss this year have just left me drained. I have been trying to keep up the exercise, but my body is not a willing participant right now. I physically haven't been able to work out as much as I normally would and even when I do, I haven't been able to put 100% in or even finish the workout sometimes. My body needs a break.

Yesterday was my last day at work for the year and it could not have come quick enough. I was supposed to start annual leave a week ago, but I had to work an extra week at the last minute because we were so busy and every day felt like forever. We had the work Christmas party yesterday and I was so sick of work and everyone I work with that I wasn't sure I would last the day, but luckily people are much more bearable after I have drunk a bottle of wine. So, just like every work Christmas party I have ever been to, I got way too drunk and said a heap of inappropriate stuff that I shouldn't have and I'm having some bad flashbacks today. I guess that is why there is a 2 week break after the work Christmas party, for those of us that are hoping our colleagues will forget what we said and did.

It would be nice to spend the next 2 weeks off work getting lots of exercise in and focussing on losing weight, but I suspect from all the stuff I have on between now and the New Year that weight loss won't be high on the agenda. I think until the end of the year my focus will just be to get some rest, not gain weight and have lots fun!

'Tis The Season

Does anyone else get anxious around the holidays? I have been feeling really down for the last month and I just couldn't put my finger on why, but I think it is just this time of year. I suffer from quite bad anxiety at the best of times, but team it with holiday related depression and I feel a bit overwhelmed.

I am not normally lost for words, but I have tried to put into words how I am feeling for over an hour now and I just can't find the right way to express why I feel this way. I guess I am trying to say how I feel without being too 'woe is me' because I have a good life and a great family.

I think these feelings get magnified because it is such a busy time of year and we are all exhausted and feel pulled in so many directions. The more I want to hide under my doonah and sleep, the more social events I have to attend and put on a cheery face.

I'm OK, I'll just feel better on 1 January 2010 when all the holiday fanfare is over. Hopefully between now and then the urge to eat my weight in chocolate won't overcome me!

There's Something Different About You...

After losing 30 kilos, I am just starting to get to the point where people are noticing that something is different about me. I can see them give me the once over as they are talking to me and thinking "she's still fat, so she can't have lost weight, so it must be something else". Then one of the following (all of which I have had over the past month) will pop out of their mouths:

Your dress looks lovely- It's the same dress I have worn to work about once a week for 2 years now.

I love how you do your make-up- Every time I lose weight I get this one, but I have done my make-up the same for about the last 10 years.

You're hair looks great today- All of a sudden my hair looks great, but it's the same hair and same style I had 30 kilos ago.

You look healthy- Hmmm, not quite sure exactly what that means.

Your earrings are nice- The same big silver hoops I have had for 3 years and wear every day.

You have nice eyebrows- Ummm, ok, been plucking them the same way since I was 16.

You look tanned!- Nope, just as pasty white as yesterday.

Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to get such sweet compliments, but it just makes me laugh to hear the hilarious things people come up with rather than noticing that I have lost weight. I know when I was really fat I felt that people didn't truly see me and hearing some of the things people have said to me lately really proves this to be true.