+4.5 Kilos

So I braved a weigh in on Monday morning and got what I expected- a massive gain of 4.5 kilos, so I am back up to 114 kilos. Of course I would rather this didn't happen, but by god I enjoyed those few weeks of living it up and just eating whatever. It is slightly depressing/embarrassing to think the year is half over and in 6 months of dieting I have kept off half a kilo...

It is exactly 7 weeks to the day until I go to New Zealand and I am making a vow to be feeling better about myself by then. I have this vision of stepping onto my first ever international flight and knowing that I have done the best I can to lose some weight and feel proud of myself and ready to enjoy an awesome holiday. Now if only I could work out how to do this...

Tagged...

Instructions: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot... like so...

Diet Coke Rocks
Wanna.b.slim
What about your hips...
Do you have an Extra Large in this?
You Would Be Pretty If...

AND NOW FOR THE QUESTIONS:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was 16 and in year 11 at high school, wishing I had a boyfriend and feeling all self conscious and teenage angsty.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was in my most hated job ever in a call centre for the Yellow Pages. I was at an emotional breaking point, not knowing that in exactly 3 weeks I would finally get a good job!

Five snacks You Enjoy:
Jelly babies
Cherry Ripe
Tim Tams
Chips & Dip
Cheese

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
No Man's Woman- Sinead O'Connor
The Pina Colada Song- Rupert Holmes
Oops I Did It Again- Brittany
Mean To Me- Crowded House
Morning Song- Jewel

Five things you would do if you were a Millionaire:
Travel around the world
Buy everyone in my family a house and car
Start a not-for-profit organisation helping women in need
Start my own book store in Healesville
Write a book

Five Bad Habits:
OVER EATING!
Worrying
Being over sensitive
Being overly critical of people
Laziness

Five Things You Like Doing:
Reading blogs
Watching TV
Going to the movies
Shopping (when it works out...)
Being with my friends and family

Five Things You'll Never Wear Again:
Bikini- though I have never worn one in my life, so it won't exactly be 'again'
Bike shorts
Fluero colours
G-String- once again, I have never worn one of these, don't think I ever will!
Tan coloured panty hose

Five Favourite "toys":
My new LG Shine phone
My laptop
My VCR (I love taping my fave shows)
My hair straightener
My epilator


I think just about everyone has already done this tag, so if you haven't and you want to, just do it. Let me know if you do so I can read your answers! I haven't seen Fat Bridesmaid or Christine do it...

Time To Step It Up

It is 7 and a half weeks until I go on my first ever holiday and first ever trip overseas to New Zealand. If I go there feeling as fat and bloated as I do now, it will not be fun. I am going to step up the healthy eating and exercise until I go so that when I get on that plane I feel confident and know that I have done my best.

Goals:

• Fit into my winter jacket (NZ will be way too cold without a jacket)
• Fit into my jeans
• Fit into my black trench coat

God I hope those clothes fit me, I may have left my run a bit late though...

By the way, when I am in New Zealand I am going to Christchurch, Mt Cook and Queenstown (unfortunately I don't have time to go to the North Island), if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do while I am there let me know! Are there any good plus size shops in Christchurch that anyone knows of?

Enjoying Life

Geez I haven't posted in ages! I have been flat out at work for the past couple of weeks. I work for the Australian branch of an Asian focused business and we had all of our staff visiting from our Asian branches for strategy days. So I have been working long hours and then having boozy work dinners. It has been fun, but I don't know how people sustain that lifestyle, it is pretty tiring. Eventually all I wanted to do was go home and watch TV with some take-out.

So you can assume from that last paragraph that I haven't been eating very well. I have been trying to eat intuitively, but unfortunately my body seems to intuitively crave pizza... I have tried to go by the motto of 'doing the best I can when I can'. I tell you what though, it is so much fun not to have to worry about food and calories. Over the past couple of weeks I have enjoyed work lunches, family dinners, drinks at the pub, hang over food and eating chocolate when it is TTOM. It is such a fun relaxing lifestyle to eat when you want to and not stress out about it. I haven't worried about avoiding food or social situations, I have just been enjoying life.

I really must start to think about watching what I eat a bit more closely though...

In other news, my older brother got engaged! He met a girl from Canada on the Internet and they have been talking on the phone for about a year. She came to Australia a few weeks ago and he proposed before she left earlier this week. So that is pretty exciting, I have been so worried about him and his depression and he seems to be another person all of a sudden. Plus I get to go to a wedding- yay!

Eating Normal Is Hard

I am struggling to find my way back to eating healthy, so I thought I would just try and maintain for a couple of weeks while I get my head together. The problem is I forgot just how hard it is to eat like a normal person. For the last 20 years I have been either dieting or binging, so I really have no idea how to eat like a normal person.

I went to the supermarket last night and bought fruit, veg and meat and made meal plans for the next few days. Last night I made a baked potato with coleslaw, light cheese, bacon and light sour cream. Tonight I am having crumbed fish with frozen chips and veggies, my other ideas are rissoles with veg and mashed potato, fajitas and home made pizza. It was so hard for me to come up with ideas for dinner that are appealing and not too unhealthy. I tend to go from veggie soup to take away pizza and there is not much in between.

I am finding understanding what my body needs very difficult. Last night after dinner I couldn't stop snacking. I had given myself the go ahead to eat if I was hungry, but I just didn't know if I was hungry. I am not sure if I really know what being full is. Traditionally I have kept eating if there was any possible chance of fitting any more food in until I felt sick and I used to think that was full. Just knowing that I had bought some snacks (usually banned in my house), meant that I couldn't stop eating it until I had over indulged and made a pig of myself.

Then this morning at work we had a morning tea and I restricted myself to 1 cupcake, but as the day went on and the food sat in the kitchen, it was on my mind. Throughout the day I ended up going back and eating another 2 cup cakes and a piece of lemon slice and I almost grabbed a muffin as I was leaving but I managed to stop myself. The food was in the back of mind all day and I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I really just don't know how to stop.

I am really hoping that over the next couple of weeks I can think more about the foods I eat and why I am eating them. I have lot's of social functions on where I normally eat and drink way too much, so it should be an interesting challenge.

Weekend Indulgence

My family and I had a really nice weekend in Daylesford for my dad's 50th birthday. We stayed here on Friday and Saturday night and it was gorgeous. The property has a private lake and waterfall and 200 acres to walk about and explore. Everyone got massages on Saturday afternoon and I chickened out. Though in the end it would have been less embarrassing to go ahead and have a massage then put up with the fuss that the masseuse made about me not having one. After that we went out for a birthday dinner for my dad here. On Sunday we had to go back to Melbourne to have lunch with my dad's extended family in Port Melbourne, which I may as well link to while I am going link crazy. Then everyone went to the footy to see my Cats beat the Saints on Sunday evening (I didn't go though because I was exhausted).

So it was a really nice weekend and free from drama and tension, mostly... I was so exhausted by Sunday night when I got home and I still am. Who knew it was so tiring to do nothing. Thank god it is a long weekend in Australia this weekend!

I ate non stop all weekend which doesn't really bother me. The only problem is that I haven't stopped yet. I am skirting in dangerous territory if I don't get myself sorted soon. I am following a bad pattern I have of dieting before an event and then after it is over constant binging. I am setting myself the target of just eating healthy today, I don't have to exercise, just don't eat Maccas for tea like I did last night. I know things could go sour with my weight loss really quickly because I have plans for the long weekend and then next week I have lots of work lunches, dinners and meetings and all of a sudden I will be officially out of control!

- 0.5 Kilos

I think I lost another half a kilo this week, bringing me down to 109.5 kilos. I can't be positive though because ten minutes later I re-weighed myself and it showed 108.5, then I tried again and it said 109, then again and it was 109.5. So I think I may have to get me some new scales. I have always wanted some of those fancy body fat scales, but I think they cost a bomb and my finances are stretched. I'll have a look into it.

I am getting increasingly frustrated at my slow weight loss. I don't mind losing half a kilo, but occasionally I would like to knock off a kilo, just to give me a boost. The worst part is that I am working so hard and missing out on so much and to be honest, it doesn't feel worth it for a measly half a kilo. I am getting up at 6.00am every morning to exercise, then I walk to and from work (50 minutes), I drink 3 litres of water a day and keep my calories under 1200 and fat under 20 grams. I am not really sure what else I can do.

Next week I will expect a gain because in a couple of hours I am leaving to go to Daylesford for the weekend. Me, my brothers and their partners, my dad and my step mum are all going for my dad's 50th birthday. It is going to be a weekend full of wine and food and not much exercise. I am looking forward to the break, I haven't really ever gone away before or had a holiday, so this is pretty exciting for me! I have booked a masseuse to come out to the house we are staying in to give us massages. When I booked this a couple of months ago I was expecting to have lost more weight then I did. I have never had a massage before and I am feeling quite self conscious about it. I am not even sure if I will go ahead with it. I assume that lot's of fat people have massages, but I am not sure I can go ahead with it. I'll try and be brave and see how I go.