I am moving all my stuff into storage this Saturday in preparation for my big holiday in a couple of weeks. So I have been frantically trying to pack everything up in the evenings after work, but I have been avoiding one particular area... my wardrobe. I have quite a large walk in closet and so it has been easy to avoid making any sense of the mountains of clothes I have that are now mostly either too big or too small.
I spent a few hours sorting all my clothes into piles of too big, fits now, will fit soon, too small, clothes I have borrowed that I need to give back and clothes that are worn out and have to be chucked. My bedroom looked like a clothes bomb had gone off in it, which is distressing enough for a neat freak like me, but sorting these clothes was the truly distressing part.
After a few hours I felt drained and I went into the lounge room and decided I needed a break and would watch one of the shows taped on my IQ planner and for some reason clicked on an episode of Ruby I had saved. I couldn't believe it when it was the episode where she decides to clean out her wardrobe after losing hundreds of pounds. I sat there watching her go through all the emotions I was feeling, but didn't want to admit to because I didn't understand why I was feeling this way. Shouldn't I be happy that I have lost enough weight so that I no longer need my size 24 and 26 clothes?
I've mentioned that in the past when I have lost weight I couldn't be happier to toss aside my fat clothes and start wearing smaller sizes, but this time I feel differently. I have so much fear and anxiety about regaining the weight and also about losing the person I used to be. I thought I hated the person I was at 130 kilos, but that person is still me and I feel like I am leaving a piece of myself behind if I move on.
My bigger clothes felt like my friends and they got me through so many tough times, that top I wore to every social event for the last 6 months... the trusty black pants I wore to work every day... my comfortable old bra that is now grey instead of white... the dress that made me feel beautiful... I know I have to move on but I need a little time to grieve as well. Maybe a shopping trip will help the grieving process!
Great post! Really made me think of how attached I am as well. Thanks! -BG
ReplyDeleteI'm here:
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Well done! What a big job.
ReplyDeleteI understand all your mixed emotions and I think you're idea of heading out for a shopping trip sounds like a good one :-)
Imagine how great you'll feel when you try on clothes and discover how far you have come.
Leaving the past behind is always difficult - good luck
nerolid
Wow - I could have written each and every word of this...the pants...the grey bra...packing...
ReplyDeleteAre we twins?
Some retail therapy might just be in order.
At least get something nice that fits, eh?
Like Anne h, I get this. You could have written this post for me too. Not so much lately, but in recent years when I've lost substantial amounts of weight.
ReplyDeleteI've always loved your style, will you be ebaying the bigger stuff? (e.g. can I buy?)
I'm sorry I can't relate to this yet but I wanted to send good thoughts your way. Something to remember...clothes don't make the person...skinny, fat or otherwise. You're still you. I think a shopping spree is a great idea! You need new clothes for your trip anyway!
ReplyDeleteI agree go shopping... For me all change is hard.. Hope it is better after the shopping..
ReplyDeleteI am new to following your blog.. Hope to get more acquainted.
Great post. In some ways we are saying goodbye to part of ourselves when we lose a significant amount of weight both physically and metaphorically.
ReplyDeleteThe core of who we are doesn't change but I think that we do evolve into something else. More confident, more self-esteem, more self-love. You just need some time to adjust to all of the changes.
Someone else will be able to enjoy and really appreciate the clothes you donate and make new memories with them.
Sorry for how you are feeling but just grieve if you need to so that you are not denying yourself anything emotionally. For me I hate my fat self and the clothes I HAD to wear. I suppose I greive the whole time I am overweight and cannot wear the clothes I want to....thanks for your post because it really makes me think...and that is good
ReplyDeleteHi Tully. Feel free to pay it forward or donate any of mine that don't fit you anymore. I'm planning never to need them again!
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some more clothes that make you feel pretty.