I am moving all my stuff into storage this Saturday in preparation for my big holiday in a couple of weeks. So I have been frantically trying to pack everything up in the evenings after work, but I have been avoiding one particular area... my wardrobe. I have quite a large walk in closet and so it has been easy to avoid making any sense of the mountains of clothes I have that are now mostly either too big or too small.
I spent a few hours sorting all my clothes into piles of too big, fits now, will fit soon, too small, clothes I have borrowed that I need to give back and clothes that are worn out and have to be chucked. My bedroom looked like a clothes bomb had gone off in it, which is distressing enough for a neat freak like me, but sorting these clothes was the truly distressing part.
After a few hours I felt drained and I went into the lounge room and decided I needed a break and would watch one of the shows taped on my IQ planner and for some reason clicked on an episode of Ruby I had saved. I couldn't believe it when it was the episode where she decides to clean out her wardrobe after losing hundreds of pounds. I sat there watching her go through all the emotions I was feeling, but didn't want to admit to because I didn't understand why I was feeling this way. Shouldn't I be happy that I have lost enough weight so that I no longer need my size 24 and 26 clothes?
I've mentioned that in the past when I have lost weight I couldn't be happier to toss aside my fat clothes and start wearing smaller sizes, but this time I feel differently. I have so much fear and anxiety about regaining the weight and also about losing the person I used to be. I thought I hated the person I was at 130 kilos, but that person is still me and I feel like I am leaving a piece of myself behind if I move on.
My bigger clothes felt like my friends and they got me through so many tough times, that top I wore to every social event for the last 6 months... the trusty black pants I wore to work every day... my comfortable old bra that is now grey instead of white... the dress that made me feel beautiful... I know I have to move on but I need a little time to grieve as well. Maybe a shopping trip will help the grieving process!