Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Mind Games

I have been needing a fill quite badly for a while now, but it’s hard to get time off work when you have a new job, but I bit the bullet, and organised to leave work slightly early for an appointment. I have to say that I left that appointment reeling and my mind has been going around and around in circles ever since.

I have done quite well with my weight loss over the past 4-6 weeks and the doctor I saw (not my usual doctor) was happy to see my progress, but I explained that I was struggling a lot with hunger and that the only way I was losing weight was by ‘dieting’ and exercising a lot, but that I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep that up. I certainly didn’t get to 130 kilos by being good at dieting! I could see right away that she didn’t believe me and seemed to think I was trying to get an over-fill in an attempt to lose weight faster. She lectured me on the dangers of being over-filled and I completely agreed, but when I can eat a whole bloody steak sandwich and still be looking for more food- I am not over-filled!

Then she asked what my goal weight is and I said that I wasn’t too sure, but I was aiming for 65 kilos (143 lbs). She was surprised and said that I really shouldn’t aim any lower than 75 kilos (165 lbs) and that at 85 kilos (187 lbs) I had already exceeded the weight loss goal they had for me. I was quite shocked to hear this, as no one has ever discussed weight loss goals with me.

I told her that I had been overweight my entire life, so I have no idea what my goal weight should be, maybe I will get to 75 kilos and feel like that is a healthy weight, but for now my focus is on 65 kilos. Her argument was that 65 kilos would be a healthy weight for other women my age and height (5 ft, 5 in), but because of how much I used to weigh, it was unrealistic for me. So I left the appointment feeling quite despondent. At my current weight I still can’t fit into ‘normal’ sized clothing, I am still at risk for health problems, I am still struggling with my fitness and I am still uncomfortable in my body. So it seems bizarre to me that I should be thinking about finishing with losing weight.

I know it is my personal choice if I decide to continue with losing more weight, but the problem is that now I am second guessing myself. At first when I left the appointment I was angry and feeling more motivated than ever to get to 65 kilos. A few hours later my mind started playing tricks on me... Suddenly the thought of not having to ‘diet’ anymore sounded really nice. I maintained my weight very easily for 4 months of this year and it was a pleasure being able to eat whatever I felt like, in moderation of course, and not gain any weight. I kept active, but only doing activities I enjoyed, not doing mindless gym sessions. So I started to think about how much nicer life would without having to think about losing weight. I could just be normal again.

Now all I can think about is if I should slow down the weight loss and think about moving to maintenance mode in the next 5-10 kilos. I know deep down that I want to keep going with this weight loss and I am not where I need to be just yet. I just wish the temptation wasn’t put in front of me because it has completely messed with my head!


  1. bollocks to the world tulls.

    it's your body, your goal.

    GO FOR IT.


  2. Hey Tully

    Been reading for a while, first comment though...hi!

    I didn't start off quite as heavy as yourself (still obese though...98kgs) and at 165cm we sound about the same height. My initial goal weight was 65kgs (the ceiling of my healthy weight), but when I got there I still felt too heavy and decided to go down to 60kgs - a weight and size that felt much more comfortable. Particularly because like you I have a lot of excess skin from losing so quickly.

    Don't stop just because it's the easier, nicer option. I don't say that in a rude way, I say it because I KNOW you won't have that satisfaction with your weight that you need and deserve, which of course means you might end up just putting it back on. Slog it out a bit harder and longer and stop when you are comfortable with your body.


  3. That stupid woman should be shot! Honestly, what a prat. My original weight the doc set me was 90 kilos and no freaking way was I going to be happy there. I am - at the moment - 71 kilos and that seems to be a great weight for me BUT you're right - when you're as big as we are at our starting point we have no idea what is a good weight for us.
    You just keep going until you feel comfortable. You will know. Did you get that fill in the end?

  4. 65 kilos would be a healthy weight for other women my age and height

    WTF?? "Other women" but not you? Seriously, some doctors have no idea what they're talking about.

    Don't let someone else trample on your dreams.

  5. Wow! We are the same height, and my dietitian said 65kg would be a good weight for me. I said I'd be happy with 75kg. She was completely different to your doctor, and didnt push me either way. She said getting 85kg would be considered a successful lap-band for them (you know the whole lose 65% of your excess thing?)

    BMI wise 65kg would be a healthy weight.

    I say boycott this doctor! She clearly didnt care about your opinion.

    It's your body, you keep going to you feel finished. You'll figure it out. Even when you get there, you still might want to lose/gain a little more to feel more comfortable.

    Crazy doctor!!

  6. Wow! That lady should be shot! How dare she try to convince you to not reach your goals?!?! That's insane! It sounds like you already know you want to keep reaching for that lower weight but this stupid woman has you rethinking everything. My doc said that a lot of doctors consider someone losing half their excess weight as success but he wants to me reach my personal goals. Sounds like this particular doctor is in that first group. I say...get your fill if you need it and stay on track. Only you'll know when you feel comfortable in your own skin (even if it's in excess. LOL)

  7. I understand your frustration! I am also the same height and am at 188. My doc is very happy and said that I have reach their goal (although he told me 180). It is frustrating to hear that knowing that I am not happy with my weight yet.

    However, I understand why they say that. There are several studies out that that show that your health risks at a BMI of 30-32 are only slightly higher than a "normal" weight person. It goes up exponentially after that. But like everything else BMI related that is only based on averages.

    Another reason they (my docs) try not to push the lower numbers is because it might not be right for you. Not because you started at a higher weight (what a stupid reason!), but because our frame, health, or exercise levels are different than other people at our height. They see people trying to push to some number on the BMI scale using unhealthy means. They transfer one eating problem (overeating) to something else. Or they are never happy b/c they have to work so hard to maintain that lower weight.

    They correct me every time I say 150 is “normal”. I understand why and I agree that it might not be right for me. BUT that all being said I know that 188 is not right for me either. I am aiming for 175 right now, but I am guessing I will want to go to at least 165. I figure I will keep reassessing every 5-10 pounds since like you I don’t know what my goal weight feels like.

  8. I think you should see how you feel once you get there. I know with the band they say the average is 60-80% weight loss (I can't remember the number exactly), so maybe that's why your doc said that? But I would do what you feel you need to! I know when I told my family & friends my weight goal was 150 (I'm 5'10"), they were all like "that's too skinny", but it's not, it's in the middle of the range for my height! I've amended my goal currently to 160 (since I started out a bit higher than I thought I was :-/) but who knows, I still may want to make that goal. If that makes me weight the same as my friends even though they're five inches shorter than I am, too bad for them!! lol

  9. Being a life long fattie, I have a hard time making weight goals too but I don't think it is a doctor's postition to tell you that you should be happy with your body at a size she would tell everyone else to lose weight at. We just want to be normal (including whatever we think normal weights are). Don't let the last appointment get you down, you were beautiful before, beautiful now, and will be beautiful wherever YOU choose to stop at.

  10. I would see how you feel at 165lbs.
    Whatever makes you feel GOOD is what it should be!

  11. It disturbs me when doctors play these games. I've learned that when a doctor is telling me something different than another doctor in the same practice, that I ask them to speak together to come to a consensus because I find it difficult to follow two different strategies. My wellness doctor is perfectly happy to speak with my PC even though they are not in the same practice. However, my PC won't call her - he just continues to disagree with her. I do what my wellness doctor says for what she's treating, an my PC for what he's treating, and if they are in conflict with each other, I require that both of them provide me with their reasoning so that I can make a decision as to how I want to proceed. I refuse to let doctors lead me around by the nose anymore. I demand to be heard, and you should, too. If you are not satisfied with what this doctor said to you, and/or you are concerned about NOT being told something earlier in the process that you should have been told (i.e., goal weight), then I suggest you call your regular doctor and have that conversation. You shouldn't be given conflicting information.

    Lecture over! :-)

  12. Agree with the others. What feels good to you is what it should be. See how it goes and you'll know it when reach the point that's comfortable for you.

  13. I'm just here to give you kudos for your effort, whatever size you decide to get to... I know how hard it is, and you will know when you feel "right"! Personally, I dislike most doctors for their "I'm smarter and better than you attitude" anyway... as if they've lived my life. Humph. Good for you for the changes you are making!

  14. I am sure it's all been said already, but I want to chime in, too!

    I think it was completely unprofessional of the doctor to tell you that your goal was unrealistic, and to suggest they had goals for you that you hadn't even been consulted on.

    As everyone has no doubt already told you, you are awesome and if you want to weight 65 kilos and that feels right for you, there's no reason you shouldn't keep that aim. But there's also nothing wrong with weighing more than that, if that also works for you. The important thing is that it works for you.

    Doctors should be there offering you support, emotionally as well as medically, not messing with your head space.

  15. Another way is to base your goal around clothes sizes rather than a number on the scale? I plan to keep on going until I can shop at CUE and portmans.

  16. You are exactly the same height as me and my WW goal has been set at 62kgs! I think you need to stay focussed on what you want to achieve - DON'T second guess your own instincts. Remember that as a serial dieter you know your body and your expectations better than any doctor - especially one that you haven't seen before! You have to be happy in your body, that's what matters most and there will be plenty of time for maintenance down the track! Do what makes YOU happy!

  17. I've got a feeling I know which doctor you saw. She gave me the evil eye and acted like I just needed to exercise will power rather than being filled (I'd only had two fills at that stage).

    I didn't like her manner, her advice nor smarmy way she put me into a 'you're a fat pig & just need to lose weight normally' frame of mind.

    If it is the same doctor, all I have to say is - this is YOUR body. YOUR life. Not hers. Second opinions and all that.

  18. Hey Tully - I've no idea of any medical implications your doctor might be concerned about, but my first thought was I'm 5ft 4" & my weight fluctuates between 60 - 65kgs. I definately feel better at 60kgs & my clothes fit better. at 65kgs I have muffin excess.

    But I was also thinking about boobage (I'm a C cup) & excess skin weight??? If you do get the (excess skin) surgery say at 70kgs, what would that bring you down to? I recon aiming between 65 & 70kgs & seeing how your clothes fit & how you feel is completely reasonable. Time for a second opinion????

  19. Who gave her a practicing licence??

    I think make another appointment with the Dr you are used to seeing, talk about the final weight goals, discuss what you want to achieve and hopefully that Dr will be a lot more open and understanding..

    I say you stick to your goals and go for what you want - and deserve. x


Awww thanks so much for the comment!