I have been needing a fill quite badly for a while now, but it’s hard to get time off work when you have a new job, but I bit the bullet, and organised to leave work slightly early for an appointment. I have to say that I left that appointment reeling and my mind has been going around and around in circles ever since.
I have done quite well with my weight loss over the past 4-6 weeks and the doctor I saw (not my usual doctor) was happy to see my progress, but I explained that I was struggling a lot with hunger and that the only way I was losing weight was by ‘dieting’ and exercising a lot, but that I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep that up. I certainly didn’t get to 130 kilos by being good at dieting! I could see right away that she didn’t believe me and seemed to think I was trying to get an over-fill in an attempt to lose weight faster. She lectured me on the dangers of being over-filled and I completely agreed, but when I can eat a whole bloody steak sandwich and still be looking for more food- I am not over-filled!
Then she asked what my goal weight is and I said that I wasn’t too sure, but I was aiming for 65 kilos (143 lbs). She was surprised and said that I really shouldn’t aim any lower than 75 kilos (165 lbs) and that at 85 kilos (187 lbs) I had already exceeded the weight loss goal they had for me. I was quite shocked to hear this, as no one has ever discussed weight loss goals with me.
I told her that I had been overweight my entire life, so I have no idea what my goal weight should be, maybe I will get to 75 kilos and feel like that is a healthy weight, but for now my focus is on 65 kilos. Her argument was that 65 kilos would be a healthy weight for other women my age and height (5 ft, 5 in), but because of how much I used to weigh, it was unrealistic for me. So I left the appointment feeling quite despondent. At my current weight I still can’t fit into ‘normal’ sized clothing, I am still at risk for health problems, I am still struggling with my fitness and I am still uncomfortable in my body. So it seems bizarre to me that I should be thinking about finishing with losing weight.
I know it is my personal choice if I decide to continue with losing more weight, but the problem is that now I am second guessing myself. At first when I left the appointment I was angry and feeling more motivated than ever to get to 65 kilos. A few hours later my mind started playing tricks on me... Suddenly the thought of not having to ‘diet’ anymore sounded really nice. I maintained my weight very easily for 4 months of this year and it was a pleasure being able to eat whatever I felt like, in moderation of course, and not gain any weight. I kept active, but only doing activities I enjoyed, not doing mindless gym sessions. So I started to think about how much nicer life would without having to think about losing weight. I could just be normal again.
Now all I can think about is if I should slow down the weight loss and think about moving to maintenance mode in the next 5-10 kilos. I know deep down that I want to keep going with this weight loss and I am not where I need to be just yet. I just wish the temptation wasn’t put in front of me because it has completely messed with my head!