It Doesn't Get Any Easier

This has been a very difficult year for me so far and I haven’t been able to deal with it very well in regards to eating. I won’t go into details, because god knows everyone has their own problems, but my home/family life has been a little tough lately. This has caused my anxiety to go through the roof and I have been making myself physically sick from it all and I couldn’t tell you what proper sleep was if I tried.

So what’s a girl to do? Revert back to good old comforting food. It makes everything feel better. I would say that almost every day this year I have been fighting my bingeing urges and, unfortunately, I don’t always win.

I have been working extra hard after these binges to work it off by restricting my calories and doing massive workouts. So I’m lucky that I’m not gaining weight, but it is just even more exhausting trying to stay ahead of the thousands of calories I can eat in a binge. Not to mention, completely disheartening to see the scales stay the same for weeks on end even though it feels like I am working so hard.

People may wonder how you can binge eat with a lap band... well it’s not that difficult for me. Obviously binge eating isn’t about hunger, so you just continue to eat way past the point of feeling full and uncomfortable, it just really hurts.

I wish I knew how to deal with my problems without food. I understand the reason I am bingeing and I understand that food won’t help, but how do you find a way to comfort yourself without food? I sometimes wonder if this will ever get easier.

My last binge was Sunday and I am celebrating every day I get through successfully without a binge. One day at a time…

It's not all bad though! AJ found some photos of me on an old phone that were taken in about 2005 that really shocked me. I wasn't even at my biggest in these photos and I was feeling OK because I had lost some weight and was about 110 kilos. It really makes me realise how far I have really come.

THEN...

 

NOW...

Do Not Stop

This quote that Marie posted on her blog today really spoke to me so I just had to steal it for my blog. I love all the quotes she posts on Tuesdays, they always hit the mark for me. This one is particular makes me feel better while my weight loss is painfully slow.

I have a nasty habit of comparing my weight loss with other (more successful) lap banders. Many of whom have lost more in one year than I have lost in the entire 21 months I have had the lap band. They are superstars and inspire me every day to keep trying.

I only have about 13 kilos to lose until I get to my goal weight and I have to remember that it's OK if I only lose 1 kilo a month, as long as I am moving in the right direction. I remember when I had 65 kilos to lose, so the last 13 kilos are nothing.  There is no race to get to the finish line, I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I'll get there.  God I am so tired though, I can't wait to have a rest when this is all over.

Friday Afternoon Thoughts

My phantom pregnancy seems to be continuing. I only just started taking the tram to work again a couple of weeks ago and already twice I have had men offer me their seat. Once someone even offered me their seat at the tram stop when we weren't even on a moving object yet. So now when I get on the tram I have to suck my stomach in so hard that it hurts, but it must be good exercise maybe?

***

I am embarrassed to admit that the last time I bought new underwear was 35 kilos ago. Underwear is expensive and I need to worry more about what I look like on the outside, but I know, it's shameful. This was highlighted the other day at work when I happened to look down at my chest and I could see my own nipple. Between the baggy bra and the baggy dress I was wearing, my poor old nipple was offered no protection. I mean it wasn't completely obvious, you had to be at the right angle to see it, but it was still horrifying. You would think I would have got the hint when both my breasts actually fell out of my bra while trying to do a push-up at the gym the other day, but no, it took coming face-to-face with my nipple at work for me to realise it's time to go bra shopping.

***

I just cannot get my head to recognise that I weigh in the 70's. I am constantly thinking to myself "It would be great to see 98 kilos on the scale" and then have to back track and remember I want to see 78 kilos. I told AJ the other day that I weighed 99 kilos and he looked at me funny and said that he thinks I might be mistaken. It's obviously not a problem, just another weird mental side effect of losing weight. Hopefully I will hurry up and get into the 60's and never have to worry about the 70's again. If I do ever see a number on the scales starting with a 6, I could possibly faint.

Cloak of Invisability

I recently followed an old friend on twitter and in response to my profile picture she sent me a message saying that she thought I looked great and that I looked like Christina Ricci. Firstly, that is a very flattering thing to say, but unfortunately it’s not really true, it was just the angle of the photo. But, what struck me was that this is the first time in my life that someone has ever said I look like anyone. When you are obese, no one ever compares your appearance to a famous celebrity or even to fellow family members.

My photo on twitter

My dad’s family love comparing people to other family members, constantly saying that such and such has this cousins smile or the family nose. No one ever said I looked like anyone in my family and I assumed that people would be insulted to be compared to me in looks. Once someone said, I guess you look more like your mum. At this time, my mum was overweight and I got the strong impression that I was being likened to her only because of my weight, because I actually look much more like my dad.

I once had an awkward moment at a work training day where everyone in the group had to introduce themselves and then say which celebrity they most get compared to. Never mind that I hate those stupid ‘get to know you’ things with a passion, but I just didn’t have anything to say. I was at my biggest and I just couldn’t think of anyone to say without looking like an idiot. Was I supposed to just say a famous woman who is fat, because at that time I felt like that was all people saw in me? I panicked and just didn’t answer the question. The trainer kept pushing it and eventually left me alone when she noticed I had gone bright red and was very flustered.

The thing is, I couldn’t care less if I was compared to someone as gorgeous as Christina Ricci or even if it was a less flattering comparison. It was just nice to feel seen for once. Since I have lost weight it feels like the cloak of invisibility I have been wearing my whole life has been lifted. It has been a weird experience as I get used to people striking up a conversation with me in the elevator or holding the door open for me or even just looking me in the eye when we speak. I actually find it quite terrifying as I am quite shy, but I am slowly getting used to being seen for the first time in my life.

Munchies

What do you guys do to combat the late night munchies? I am struggling so badly with them lately and I wondering if it is just me and how do other people handle this?

I normally eat my dinner at 6.30 pm and then go to the gym about 7.30 pm. I obviously eat a pretty light dinner because I know I am about to go and workout and I don't want a big meal in my tummy. Oh god, that reminds me of the time AJ ate a massive Indian takeaway meal before going to his first ever personal training session at the gym. Needless to say he vomited in the bin on the way back to the car. Funniest night ever.

Anyway, what was I saying? Late night munchies. I normally get home from the gym about 9.30 pm, shower, organise my lunch for work, lay out my clothes for the next day, blow dry my hair and go to bed to read or watch TV at about 10.30 pm. I can tell you must be envious of my ultra glamorous life right now...

Once I have finally settled down for the night I realise that I am ravenously hungry. Like I could eat my own arm I am so hungry, but I have a pretty strict 'no snacking' policy. I eat 3 meals of about 400 calories each and try not to snack in between. Last night I ended up eating a muesli bar at about 11.30 pm because I was feeling sick from hunger.

I know the obvious solution would be to just go to sleep, but I am normally so amped up from running around all night that I am still buzzed. Plus, that hour or so at night is normally the one time in my day that I have for myself and can really feel relaxed and I need it to keep my sanity.

I guess the other obvious thing is that I need more fill in my lap band. Late last year I had .4 mls taken out, which is quite a lot, so much so that I can easily eat a freaking steak sandwich. I hate the idea of having more fill in my band because I am back to being the weirdo who goes out for lunch and stresses about getting food stuck or spends half my night in the restaurant bathrooms. I need to make the decision between constant hunger or social awkwardness with food... I know it shouldn't be that hard, but I have never managed to reach the 'sweet spot' where I am satisfied and can still eat a wide variety of foods without getting stuck. I guess I'll keep trying, maybe the next fill will hit that mysterious 'sweet spot'.

February Weigh In

Woohoo, it’s 1^st February, that means January is over. If February and March could hurry up and fuck off too I would be very happy. These summer months are tedious, I much prefer autumn. I know March is technically autumn, but let’s face it, it’s normally still like summer here in Melbourne. Don’t get me wrong, I do actually like summer, I am just bored with it and ready for the change of season. There is nothing more exciting than when the leaves start falling off the trees, the nights get darker earlier and you make your first pot of hearty soup for the season. Oh and changing the clocks back and getting an extra hour of sleep is awesome too!

So the first day of the month means I have to haul my fat arse onto the scales for my official weigh in. I say ‘official’ because I normally also weigh on Fridays to check how I am tracking. The details are below, but there is nothing exciting about it to me until I get back to below my pre-Christmas weight of 77.6 kilos. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful being below 80 kilos, but I still have more work to do.

February 1st Weigh In: 79.3 kilos (174.5 lbs)
Weight Lost In January: 3.2 kilos (7 lbs)
Total Weight Lost: 50.4 kilos (111 lbs)

 The weight has been coming off excruciatingly slow this month. I lost about 2 kilos of Christmas bloat in the first week and then for the rest of the month I only lost another kilo. I don’t know why the weight won’t shift, I have been exercising, eating below 1200 calories and cutting back on carbs. It could be any number of reasons and I sound like some obsessive and boring dieter when I start rambling about carbs, increasing muscle, sodium bloat, that time of the month etc.

I am sick and tired of guessing why I’m not losing the weight I think I should be losing. It’s tedious and completely uninteresting to care so much what the scale says so I am not weighing myself for another month. No more lovely Fridays ruined by a bad weigh in. I am just going to do my best to live a happy and balanced life this month and be pleased with any downward trend on the scales on 1^st March.

Aside from the whole weight loss thing, my other goals this year were to cut out the credit card spending and eating out to save money and I have done really well with those goals. For the month of January I did not put one single item on my credit card and I made substantial contributions to paying off my debt. It is still going to take the full year to pay off, but I am getting there.

In terms of eating out, take away and drive-thru, the rules I set were that I could eat out once and get take away once per month. I used my eat out pass last Saturday night for a decadent 3 course Italian meal with plenty of wine and then a trip to Gold Class to see Black Swan (with plenty more wine). Then on Sunday I was slightly hung over and decided I needed some yum cha to sort me out. I could have used my take away pass, but I much prefer to go out to eat so I decided that I could stretch the rules to allow it.

I’m not sure how long I’ll keep up the restrictions on eating out because it’s a little depressing not being able to go out. Eating out is pretty much my favourite thing to do and it’s making me sad that I don’t get to do it much. For now it’s helping my finances, but once I am a little more comfortable I’ll definitely be breaking that stupid News Years resolution!