Thursday, February 24, 2011

It Doesn't Get Any Easier

This has been a very difficult year for me so far and I haven’t been able to deal with it very well in regards to eating. I won’t go into details, because god knows everyone has their own problems, but my home/family life has been a little tough lately. This has caused my anxiety to go through the roof and I have been making myself physically sick from it all and I couldn’t tell you what proper sleep was if I tried.

So what’s a girl to do? Revert back to good old comforting food. It makes everything feel better. I would say that almost every day this year I have been fighting my bingeing urges and, unfortunately, I don’t always win.

I have been working extra hard after these binges to work it off by restricting my calories and doing massive workouts. So I’m lucky that I’m not gaining weight, but it is just even more exhausting trying to stay ahead of the thousands of calories I can eat in a binge. Not to mention, completely disheartening to see the scales stay the same for weeks on end even though it feels like I am working so hard.

People may wonder how you can binge eat with a lap band... well it’s not that difficult for me. Obviously binge eating isn’t about hunger, so you just continue to eat way past the point of feeling full and uncomfortable, it just really hurts.

I wish I knew how to deal with my problems without food. I understand the reason I am bingeing and I understand that food won’t help, but how do you find a way to comfort yourself without food? I sometimes wonder if this will ever get easier.

My last binge was Sunday and I am celebrating every day I get through successfully without a binge. One day at a time…

It's not all bad though! AJ found some photos of me on an old phone that were taken in about 2005 that really shocked me. I wasn't even at my biggest in these photos and I was feeling OK because I had lost some weight and was about 110 kilos. It really makes me realise how far I have really come.




  1. it's funny. sometimes your experiences mirror mine so bizaarely. i've suffered a recent injury to both knees which has meant i've been housebound, couch bound and not able to walk, let alone exercise. i went from managing food really well, straight back into old binging habits. it was completely distressing. i felt like such a failure and could feel myself gaining weight but couldn't stop. i dunno why it occurs to me, but i've found meditation cds really helpful and i've also started the shrink yourself online program. it's about $100 bucks and it's weekly lessons and interactive programs on working out how to curb emotional eating. they also have some helpful stuff on their blog. the one thing that hit home the other day when i was doing one of the lessons was when it said that you have to choose between "realistic relief and illusion of escape that food provides." i don't know why but that struck me. they also have a good guide about the questions to ask yourself when you get a strong emotion that makes you want to eat and it's here -

    i dunno, i just really want to have a healthy relationship with food and stop using it to sooth and calm myself when i get stressed.

    best of luck, as always x

  2. You are so gorgeous! What is really striking about these photos is the joy on your face. You are beaming in the recent photo and in the older ones you seem...not necessarily unhappy....but you don't radiate the joy you do now. You are doing a phenomenal job.

  3. sorry to hear things have been making you so anxious & unable to sleep well. I hope those things improve for you sooner than later.

    You really do look radiant in the last pic. Love Love Love.


    PS Go Cats! saw a glimpse of them training on the telly last night :0)

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  5. Hope things start looking up soon. Your transformation is fantastic x

  6. Just wanted to pop in to say that I love your blog & find you amazing. Don't know why I've never commented before, since so much of what you write resonates and inspires me, but it seems like you need to hear it now: you are doing incredibly well. I've been trying to overcome my binge problem for years. What happened to you was just a teeny detour; you're still on the best path and you are blazing quite a trail. Thanks for sharing so much with us.


Awww thanks so much for the comment!