I feel like I have a lot to say and nothing to say at the same time. My life hasn’t been too interesting lately, but I have a lot going on in my head. I’m constantly trying to work out how I can get back to losing weight? What worked for me for the first 50 kilos? Why can’t I get back to that ‘losing’ head space?
For most of this year I decided to try getting my lap band tighter and I thought if I did this it would help me lose weight without having to diet. After 5 months of trying this, I still can’t seem to get the balance right. My band is too tight to eat anything except for soft foods during the day, but I am still hungry all the time. I am still counting down the minutes until my next meal and always thinking about food. Does this mean I need more fill or less fill in my band?
More alarmingly, despite not being able to eat a lot of foods, I am gaining weight. I am eating the wrong foods because it’s easy and I just don’t seem to care. I seem to be dedicated to failing right now. I will literally spend hours picking away at foods like pizza that are difficult for me to eat because I am just determined to get that bloody pizza down. If only I put this dedication toward weight loss!
I have to admit that I sometimes wonder if getting the lap band was the right choice for me. I have only been able to make it work for me by working very hard at dieting and exercise, which I don’t seem to be able to keep up long term. I wonder if one of the more drastic weight loss surgeries would be better for people with serious emotional eating problems? I guess I am just terrified that one day I am going to gain back all the weight I lost. The longer I have the lap band, the less confidence I have in it and myself to keep the weight off.
I am still trying every single day to do better though. Yes, I may be failing some times, but I know I won’t give up.