For the past couple of years I have been posting my weight on this blog on the 1st day of the month so as to keep a record of my weight loss (or gain) since having the lap band. Yesterday was the 1st of the month, but I won’t be posting a weigh in because I am not weighing myself right now. This isn’t because I’ve gained weight (though, I may well have) or because I am too obsessed with the scales and need a break or anything like that. I just don’t feel the need to get on the scales and see what I weigh.
I always knew that defining myself by the number on the scales was ridiculous, but I was never able to stop weighing myself… and then beating myself up because I gained weight or didn’t lose enough weight. Things have just clicked for me this month and I feel a calmness about not needing to get on the scale because it just doesn’t matter what the number says.
I have lived my whole life being obsessed with losing weight, and in doing so, I created a lot of bad habits. I have been on every diet and failed and then tried it again 6 months later… I have slogged it out at the gym and then not moved from the couch for weeks at a time... I have weighed myself and defined the way I feel about myself by the number on the scale… I don’t want this life anymore and I am slowly working toward finding the balance.
Lately I have been looking to my friends and family with healthy weights and healthy relationships with food and trying to learn from them. I have noticed that when I am with my friends and family that don’t have weight issues I am the only dull person that will obsess about weight, calories and exercise:
I am the one who will guiltily announce I have gained weight and they’ll look at me blankly and say they don’t even own a scale and wouldn’t have a clue if they have gained weight.
I am the only one that will sigh about needing to go to the gym the next day and they will make a comment about never having owned a gym membership.
I am the one who will mull over the healthy options on the menu and refuse any dessert while they enjoy the foods they want to eat.
For god’s sake, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either!
This doesn’t mean I will never weigh myself again; I’ll just do it when I have an interest in seeing what I weigh. Right now, it's not of any importance or interest to me.