I have a lot more fill in my lap band now than I did when I first lost weight, but because I am not putting in the effort to restrict myself I am gaining weight like crazy. I wish I could go back in time to the frame of mind I had when I was losing weight and bottle it. I am eating full sized meals and immediately wanting more food as soon as I finish eating. Yesterday I ate a massive piece of lasagne the size of a large dinner plate for lunch and then ate a bag of mini Easter eggs and didn't even feel full. Boy oh boy, that is not good.
Obviously I need to see my doctor and get a fill in my lap band but I realllllllllllllllllllllllllly don't want to go. I have never found a supportive follow-up lap band doctor and I just feel like a big fat failure every time I go for a fill. They seem to think fat people are just stupid and that I could not possibly be aware that ice cream and chocolate will make me gain weight so I have to suffer through that condescending lecture every time. Then when I ask for help in terms of emotional eating problems or finding the right level of fill for my band I just get blank stares. Not helpful at all.
My life is generally not great right now and I think that finding out that I need over $20,000 for my body lift surgery just put me over the edge. There is no financially viable option for me to get the money for the surgery and there won't be for quite a few years. I am beyond crushed and I can't even put into words how important having this surgery is to me. I felt like it was the one thing I could control in my life and the one thing I was counting on to go right this year. So I seem to have taken that disappointment and channeled it into binge eating and self pity. Also not helpful at all.
Things won't get better until I can find a way to adjust my attitude, but I am finding that extremely difficult right now. My plan today is to pinch the massive spare tyre of fat that has developed between my boobs and belly every time I want to eat chocolate. Example below:
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I'm not sure if you've done therapy for binge eating but that might be an idea.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much your weighing in right now, but it is NOT your highest weight, you are not even close to being there.
You have been through a rough time and just need to cut yourself a break.
I put on 27 kilos in 21 months just because I was being fucking lazy.
Not sure if you've ever tried it, but I am doing WW at the moment and its working well.
I feel the same, I sometimes just want to scream "shut up" at my self because of all the negative talk I have going on in my head.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if my attitude has changed today, but I am taking it one day at a time and that is the best advise I can give you. Just take it step by step and try not to look too far ahead in the weight loss game.
I hope you get back to the fighting spirit soon.
I can relate. I go through phases where it seems like I'm a train running off the tracks. Something sets me off and before I know it I just can't seem to get back control. I totally understand. You are definitely not alone in this pattern. I do know that if I can manage to get 1 or 2 good days in that I will find it easier to get back on track. Usually you have to find something that is almost like throwing a wrench in that brings the craziness to a halt. Instead of trying to do everything at once just pick like 2 things and insert those into your day. If you don't exercise then just decide to exercise by walking that day and then set a goal for drinking X amount of water. And don't worry about anything but those 2 things even if you eat like crap! B/C by accomplishing those 2 things you may find that the control slowly returns. I am wishing you all the luck and I know you can do it. I have to do this periodically to myself too!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel regarding motivation. I really want to lose weight before the summer, but I fail miserably every day. I have lost weight before, and kept it off for years, I don't know why it is so hard sometimes. I am an emotional eater as well, sometimes I just want to take a break from myself, and the thoughts of eating/being hungry, but as soon as I do that I end up gaining weight and then feeling horribly depressed. One of the previous commenters mentioned therapy, and perhaps that is a good idea? I hope you feel better soon honey!
ReplyDeleteTully!!! stop pinching your bits... cant wait to see u next week ;
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteI had my lapband in Melbourne almost 3 years ago-no where near your success and still struggling to get there. I have found the doctors at the Bariatric centre (now at warrigal rd) are quite good- i tend to go to one or two as others not as supportive. Happy to chat if you want?