I can't seem to get back into losing weight mode. Aactually, at this point I would just be happy to stop gaining weight. I am severely lacking will power and motivation... as well as feeling exhausted, depressed and over it. I seem to have lost the ability to toughen up and just fucking do it, which is how I lost 50 kilos in the first place.
I have a lot more fill in my lap band now than I did when I first lost weight, but because I am not putting in the effort to restrict myself I am gaining weight like crazy. I wish I could go back in time to the frame of mind I had when I was losing weight and bottle it. I am eating full sized meals and immediately wanting more food as soon as I finish eating. Yesterday I ate a massive piece of lasagne the size of a large dinner plate for lunch and then ate a bag of mini Easter eggs and didn't even feel full. Boy oh boy, that is not good.
Obviously I need to see my doctor and get a fill in my lap band but I realllllllllllllllllllllllllly don't want to go. I have never found a supportive follow-up lap band doctor and I just feel like a big fat failure every time I go for a fill. They seem to think fat people are just stupid and that I could not possibly be aware that ice cream and chocolate will make me gain weight so I have to suffer through that condescending lecture every time. Then when I ask for help in terms of emotional eating problems or finding the right level of fill for my band I just get blank stares. Not helpful at all.
My life is generally not great right now and I think that finding out that I need over $20,000 for my body lift surgery just put me over the edge. There is no financially viable option for me to get the money for the surgery and there won't be for quite a few years. I am beyond crushed and I can't even put into words how important having this surgery is to me. I felt like it was the one thing I could control in my life and the one thing I was counting on to go right this year. So I seem to have taken that disappointment and channeled it into binge eating and self pity. Also not helpful at all.
Things won't get better until I can find a way to adjust my attitude, but I am finding that extremely difficult right now. My plan today is to pinch the massive spare tyre of fat that has developed between my boobs and belly every time I want to eat chocolate. Example below: