Final 15

Earlier this week I mustered up the courage to haul myself onto the scales for the 3 year anniversary of my lap band. It wasn't a pretty sight. I now have renewed determination to get back to my losing ways and lose these final 15 kilos. Even more so now that I have squeezed myself into my jeans for casual Friday today. Oh the pain.

So I am going back into weight loss mode, which involves weekly weigh ins (no matter how much I hate them) and all sorts of other boring things like exercise and lettuce. I plan to weigh myself every week and be accountable to this little blog... until I start steadily gaining weight again and pretending that this post never happened. Just feel free to play along and not remind me if that happens...

I even came up with a nifty name for this new focus-- Final 15, and I made a page to keep track of my weigh ins. When I am weighing myself I normally do it on a Friday because I am bound to be at my lightest weight for the week before my weekend wine time. So, here is my first weigh in...

Start wight: 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs)
Today's weight:  86.6 kilos (190.5 lbs)
Difference: -900 grams (2 lbs)

Woo hoo, off to a good start!

Source

3 Years Banded

I really wanted to ignore that today is my 3 year anniversary of having the lap band, but there is just no point in having blog if I can't even be honest with myself. Even though I detest the scales, I decided that I really should weigh myself today to find out how I am tracking 3 years out from having lap band surgery. I stepped on the scales and silently begged them to 'please be under 85 kilos', but my prayers were not answered and I was faced with a rather harsh number. I am currently 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs).

Let me put this is perspective for you...

Start weight: 129.7 kilos (285.5 lbs) May 2009
Lowest weight* 73.3 kilos (161 lbs) April 2011
Current weight 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs) May 2012

Oh dear... no wonder my clothes don't fit and my face looks like a puffer fish.

OK, so I am not going to get into the why did this happen because I have written about that enough (bingeing, anxiety, self-hatred etc) and I need to move on. I need to start over and remember what it is to work hard and not give into every urge I have to eat chocolate and sit on the couch when I should be at the gym.

I am starting fresh at my current weight and not resting on my laurels from my previous weight loss. I can't keep congratulating myself on how far I have come because 'at least you don't weigh 130 kilos anymore'. So my goal is to lose between 10 -15 kilos by the 1st December 2012, which is about 27 weeks away. That is not easy, but achieveable if I work hard.

GOALS
Happy: lose 10 kilos by December 1st 2012 (weigh in at 77.5 kilos)
Extremely happy: lose 12.5 kilos by December 1st 2012 (weigh in at 75 kilos)
Beyond ecstatic: lose 15 kilos by December 1st 2012 (weigh in at 72.5 kilos)

Me at my happy weight of about 78 kilos (171.5 lbs) in December 2010

Me at my unhappy weight of 87.5 kilos (192.5 lbs) photo taken today (under horrific fluro lighting)

*I have listed my lowest weight as 73.3 kilos (161 lbs) and technically it was for about one second after I follwed a crazy low carb diet. I really don't count that as a 'real' weight and I would say that my 'normal' low weight was 77.5 kilos (170.5 lbs).

1 Year Band Anniversary
2 Year Band Anniversary

Exercise Motivation

I won't start moaning about how much I detest exercise again because it is probably a de-motivator for anyone reading! I will just say that I don't enjoy exercise, but I do it because I don't want to weigh 130 kilos again. Lately I have tried a new way to get my arse to the gym and it is mostly working. Instead of going to the gym to lose weight, I go to the gym to get fit. Revolutionary!

We all know that we can work hard at the gym and not see the results on the scales and get very disappointed. So now when I am convincing myself to go to the gym, I think of it in terms of the fitness and mobility it will give me. I remember a few recent occassions when I went on hikes and felt my fitness struggle. I remember when I was at my biggest and how I struggled to walk up one flight of stairs or walk further than a block without tiring. This motivates me to go to the gym and work out because I know if I do the work at the gym I will get the health and fitness rewards... and the scales can just fuck off.

Right now things are a little hard because I have hurt my back quite badly and I am limited in what I can do to exercise. I am seeing a physio 3 times a week and he is working on my new back problem (from awkwardly lifting a heavy box at work) as well as my old back problem (from being morbidly obese my entire life). This is a big non-scale victory for me because I have always been too embarrassed to seek help with my back because of my weight.

At the same time I am seeing a podiatrist who is helping me with my plantar fasciitis. I had a plaster cast made of my feet and custom orthotics were made to try and repair the damage to my feet. I spent many years being obese and working in retail jobs that involved being on my feet for at least 8 hours a day. Then I got the lap band and started working out excessively without the proper support. My podiatrist says both of these actions caused the damage equally. So with all these back and foot problems you can see I was never one of those 'fat and healthy' people.

So now I am faced with the challenge that I actually do want to work out and improve my fitness, but I am struggling to find an exercise that I can do without straining my back or putting pressure on my feet. I am not allowed to do pilates, the only exercise I enjoy, until I strengthen my back. Last week I very stupidly tried the rowing machine at the gym and then couldn't move for two days because I made my back so much worse. Any ideas???

Just for a little extra motivation I purchased myself some new runners online today. I realised I haven't bought new runners in almost four years! My old ones have been with me through thick and thin (literally) so I will be almost sad to see them go. Lucky I have these shiny new replacements to look forward to!

From Wiggle

Looking Back, Looking Forward

With winter well on its way, it is becoming increasingly clear that I either need to some lose weight or buy a new winter jacket. Given certain financial constraints, my only choice right now is to lose some weight. Well, it's probably a good idea anyway since none of my other clothes fit either.

AJ very cruelly snapped this photo on the tram this afternoon on the way home from work. That poor button is about 3 inches away from having any chance of doing up. No wonder people always think I am pregnant when I walk around with a maternity bump like that!

The good news is that I am not starting from scratch. I don't weigh 130 kilos (286 lbs) anymore so there is nothing to cry about . To get back to where I felt comfortable in my clothes and in my skin I probably need to lose 7-10 kilos (15-20 lbs). That is not the end of the world. Hell, even if I lose 3-5 kilos (6-10 lbs) I will feel better.

If I want to really search for the silver lining about this recent weight gain I would say that it has been a blessing to reassess where I was and where I want to be. I was on such a roll with my weight loss and weighing close to a normal weight for the first time that I couldn't appreciate how far I had come. I didn't stop to smell the roses... Looking back now I can see that I shouldn't have been so hard on myself and I am glad that I realise that now.

I recently used all my frequent flyer point to buy a new laptop and I had to transfer all my old photos to my new laptop. As I was sorting through my old photos I looked back and realised that last year I wasn't as fat as I seemed to think I was at the time. I was certainly never thin, but I was feeling fit, confident and happy. What more can you want?

Here are a few of the pictures I came across that stood out to me because I didn't know they were being taken and they are all very awkward positions. Of course they are not 'nice' photos, but I thought I managed to look normal enough while I wasn't posing. The funny thing is I recall feeling particularly fat in both the first and third photos. How silly I was.

Doing my make-up before a night out

Resting while on a hike (and being silly by the looks of it)

Playing on the rocks in Tasmania

Quick Wins

This losing weight business never gets easy. I tend to beat myself up a lot for my slip-ups and wonder why I can't just get things right. Obviously we all know what we need to do to lose weight, but our evil little minds seem to want to conspire against us. Also, let's face it, ice cream and pizza are awesome.

So while I am constantly scolding myself for eating the wrong things... I am proud that I manage to get some things right. It's great to have those quick wins so at the end of the day you know that you ticked some of the right boxes.

My work days are normally pretty good. I have a bit of a rule for myself that I do not spend money on food or drinks at work so I bring my breakfast and lunch in every day. Every morning when I get to work I have a cup of tea and oatmeal. This is my favourite meal of the day and I would probably eat oatmeal for every meal of every day if I could. Actually I did eat oatmeal for breakfast, lunch and dinner the other day...

Then for lunch I have a soy and linseed sandwich thin and a can of tuna in oil, which I wash down with a can of Pepsi Max. I really enjoy this lunch and I have it pretty much every day and, most importantly, it takes no preparation! Throughout the day I drink 1.5 - 2 litres of water-- mostly to stop me from snacking. By late afternoon I am so hungry I want to eat my own arm, so I'll eat a small handful of nut and seed mix to tide me over until I get home.

So these are my quick win meals that I get right pretty much every day. I do feel good that I eat pretty well most days and it really isn't an effort at all. Unfortunately the evenings and the weekends are not so easy... but this is supposed to be a positive post so I won't even get started on those little problems...

Scales

I haven't been on the scales since the start of February and I can honestly say I have no idea how much I currently weigh. I would say that it is most certainly substantially higher than my last weigh in of 81 kilos (178 lbs). I know it's a bit crappy to follow along with this little blog when you are interested in weight loss and I am not really losing weight or weighing myself. I am just not in the right headspace to be on the scales right now.
I don't think I am hiding from the number on the scales. I don't need to get on the scales to know it's not a good number. I  can feel the weight on my body in everything that I do... not to mention when I try to zip up my jeans.

I know for most people that they need to see the number on the scales to keep themselves in check and get motivation. It mostly does the opposite for me and I turn myself into a human punching bag because I feel like I have never done enough. When I am weighing myself regularly I tend to start starving myself and shying away from social functions that include food and alcohol. Obviously that is not the way I want to live my life.

Right now I am focusing on exercising to gain strength and fitness and if I was to be weighing myself I couldn't help but turn my focus back on weight loss. I am eating to build my health back up, so this means that I am eating more than the 1000 calories I am supposed to stick to for weight loss. Once again, if I was weighing myself I would only be disappointed in the numbers and I really don't need to beat myself up about that right now. So I am going to keep my distance from the scales for a while longer and just work on eating healthy and exercising.

I do have one goal though, god damn I would love to fit back into my size 16 jeans before the end of the year. I am hoping slow and steady will win the race...