So for the last two weeks I have been flat out moving house. It is just disgusting how much crap I have. I just have so much furniture and appliances and electrical goods. It almost makes me feel uncomfortable, like I am weighed down by it all. I hate feeling so tied down by work, credit card debt, having a lease and having so much stuff. I wonder how I got to this point where I feel so constrained. The majority of things I do these days are because I have to or I feel obligated. I think I might need to make some radical changes next year. I don't know what yet, but I know I am not happy living like this.
So it is a little creepy being out in the suburbs, but I am getting used to it. The first night we went there we only stayed 15 minutes and then left because we hated it so much. I am now enjoying all the extra space and having some peace and quiet. It is a nice house to entertain in, I had all my family over yesterday for lunch and it was so easy and comfortable. I also have a huge bedroom with an ensuite and a walk in robe, I almost feel like a queen in there.
While I was moving house I ate absolute crap every night. We had been going to the old place every night after work, packing boxes till late and then getting a take away on the 45 minute drive back to our new place. I didn't even try and eat healthy because I just didn't give a fuck by that stage. I am now pretty much settled in and ready to get back on board low carb. Though as I type this it is Monday evening and I am still going to be at work for a few more hours. I didn't pack any dinner and my resistence to the vending machine is getting lower by the minute. Maybe I'll get back on board tomorrow...
*** EDIT: Don't try and save me, I just went hammer and tongs at the vending machine. Who ever invented double coated cherry ripes is a fucking genious. ***
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Energised!
So far so good on this low carb diet. I am not actually following Atkins, I am too lazy to actually follow any diet strictly! I am just cutting processed carbs from my diet. I have to say, I have had more energy over the past few days then I have had in years. I am not sure if it is related to this diet, but I hope I continue to feel this good.
The other great thing I noticed is that while I was packing up my pantry for my big move to the suburbs I made a pile of food I had to leave out that I would need over the next couple of weeks. I was shocked to find that the only items I needed from my pantry were a couple of spices. All other food I am eating is fresh from the fridge. Normally I rely heavily on pasta, rice, muesli bars, rice cakes and packet sauces. It has been great preparing and eating all fresh and unprocessed foods.
On another note, I was tagged by Marshmallow...
What's something you'd love to say to your younger selves of 2, 5, 10, and 15 years ago?
2 years ago
I was 25 years old, I would say be patient and don't expect your career to happen over night. Enjoy your work and study and just chill out for a while and have some fun. You are on the right track and you will get there. Also, awesome work on that 20 kilo weight loss, you are looking great!
5 years ago
I was 22 years old, I would say that you have the strength to pull yourself out of this mess and that things will get better. You are not worthless and you don't have to continue to allow yourself to be treated like you are. Hang in there, things will get better.
10 years ago
I was 17 years old, I would say that you are about to embark on the time of your life- have fun and enjoy it, you are only young once. Oh I wish I could be you again!
15 years ago
I was 12 years old, I would say to be yourself and don't change for anyone. People will like you if you stay true to who you are. Also, you are not as fat as you think you are, don't stress about it and stop dieting!
The other great thing I noticed is that while I was packing up my pantry for my big move to the suburbs I made a pile of food I had to leave out that I would need over the next couple of weeks. I was shocked to find that the only items I needed from my pantry were a couple of spices. All other food I am eating is fresh from the fridge. Normally I rely heavily on pasta, rice, muesli bars, rice cakes and packet sauces. It has been great preparing and eating all fresh and unprocessed foods.
On another note, I was tagged by Marshmallow...
What's something you'd love to say to your younger selves of 2, 5, 10, and 15 years ago?
2 years ago
I was 25 years old, I would say be patient and don't expect your career to happen over night. Enjoy your work and study and just chill out for a while and have some fun. You are on the right track and you will get there. Also, awesome work on that 20 kilo weight loss, you are looking great!
5 years ago
I was 22 years old, I would say that you have the strength to pull yourself out of this mess and that things will get better. You are not worthless and you don't have to continue to allow yourself to be treated like you are. Hang in there, things will get better.
10 years ago
I was 17 years old, I would say that you are about to embark on the time of your life- have fun and enjoy it, you are only young once. Oh I wish I could be you again!
15 years ago
I was 12 years old, I would say to be yourself and don't change for anyone. People will like you if you stay true to who you are. Also, you are not as fat as you think you are, don't stress about it and stop dieting!
Friday, August 08, 2008
Low Carb
I started the Tony Ferguson diet a couple of weeks ago and learnt that limiting carbs were part of the programme. I have never counted a carb in my life and until last week I wouldn’t have been able to even hazard a guess at how many carbs there are in a chocolate bar or a piece of bread- though I could reel off the fat and calorie counts. The more I looked into low carb eating and how it worked on the TF programme, the more interested in it I became.
It occurred to me that it might be more beneficial to follow a low carb diet and eliminate the shakes altogether. I find shake diets to be extremely beneficial in eliminating food from my life, as a food addict, there are times I need to stop thinking about food and this is the only way I can do that. So the fact that TF included both food and shakes didn’t work for me personally. I was intrigued by the benefits of low carb eating and did some more research on it to investigate if it would work for me. I needed to take into account and my health concerns (PCOS) and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was recommended for people with insulin problems.
The low carb diet I am following is Atkins. Yes the A word. I have had an incredible amount of criticism since I told friends and family I am following this diet. I have been on shake diets and got less criticism, yet on this everyone has an (often un-informed) opinion. I am keeping an open mind on this diet, I honestly don’t know if it will work out or not but I think it is worth a try. So far I don’t feel hungry, I am enjoying the food and I have a lot of extra energy. I am also able to drink wine, and eat in restaurants easily which suits my lifestyle. I have also lost a few kilos along the way. Could this be too good to be true?
Here are just some of the foods I have been eating…
Breakfast
• Zucchini quiche (egg, zucchini, spring onion, cheese, cream)
• Omelette (filled with onion, capsicum and cheese)
• Poached eggs with bacon
Lunch
• Chicken salad (lettuce, cucumber, onion, capsicum, grilled chicken with mayonnaise)
• Caesar salad (lettuce, bacon, parmesan cheese, boiled eggs with caesar dressing)
• Greek salad (lettuce, olives, fetta cheese, onion, cucumber with extra virgin olive oil)
Dinner
• Kebabs (chicken, beef, onion and capsicum) with cauliflower and broccoli sprinkled with cheese
• Pork chops with stir fried cabbage, onion and bacon
• Lamb chops with asparagus spears, grilled zucchini and cauliflower
• Burritos (chicken breast wrapped inside lettuce leaf with cheese, tomato salsa and sour cream)
• Steak with vegetables baked in olive oil and rosemary
Snacks- if needed
• Celery sticks with philly cheese
• Olives
• Boiled egg
• Piece of cheese
• Handful of nuts
Sweets- if needed
• Cheesecake
• Diet jelly
• Lindt 85% chocolate
It occurred to me that it might be more beneficial to follow a low carb diet and eliminate the shakes altogether. I find shake diets to be extremely beneficial in eliminating food from my life, as a food addict, there are times I need to stop thinking about food and this is the only way I can do that. So the fact that TF included both food and shakes didn’t work for me personally. I was intrigued by the benefits of low carb eating and did some more research on it to investigate if it would work for me. I needed to take into account and my health concerns (PCOS) and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was recommended for people with insulin problems.
The low carb diet I am following is Atkins. Yes the A word. I have had an incredible amount of criticism since I told friends and family I am following this diet. I have been on shake diets and got less criticism, yet on this everyone has an (often un-informed) opinion. I am keeping an open mind on this diet, I honestly don’t know if it will work out or not but I think it is worth a try. So far I don’t feel hungry, I am enjoying the food and I have a lot of extra energy. I am also able to drink wine, and eat in restaurants easily which suits my lifestyle. I have also lost a few kilos along the way. Could this be too good to be true?
Here are just some of the foods I have been eating…
Breakfast
• Zucchini quiche (egg, zucchini, spring onion, cheese, cream)
• Omelette (filled with onion, capsicum and cheese)
• Poached eggs with bacon
Lunch
• Chicken salad (lettuce, cucumber, onion, capsicum, grilled chicken with mayonnaise)
• Caesar salad (lettuce, bacon, parmesan cheese, boiled eggs with caesar dressing)
• Greek salad (lettuce, olives, fetta cheese, onion, cucumber with extra virgin olive oil)
Dinner
• Kebabs (chicken, beef, onion and capsicum) with cauliflower and broccoli sprinkled with cheese
• Pork chops with stir fried cabbage, onion and bacon
• Lamb chops with asparagus spears, grilled zucchini and cauliflower
• Burritos (chicken breast wrapped inside lettuce leaf with cheese, tomato salsa and sour cream)
• Steak with vegetables baked in olive oil and rosemary
Snacks- if needed
• Celery sticks with philly cheese
• Olives
• Boiled egg
• Piece of cheese
• Handful of nuts
Sweets- if needed
• Cheesecake
• Diet jelly
• Lindt 85% chocolate
Friday, August 01, 2008
Fat Discrimination at Work
A friend of mine told me about a conversation he overheard between two managers at his work last week. They were discussing the hiring of a new staff member and said that although the candidate was qualified and seemed like a good job match, they didn't want to hire him because of he was overweight. They assumed he would be lazy because he was overweight and instead of hiring the qualified applicant they instead decided to re-advertise the position and look for someone else.
It sounds outrageous and unbelievable, but I had a similar situation myself when I was at my heaviest weight of 128.5 kilos. I applied for my dream job at my dream company, and I was asked in for two extensive interviews. They rang all of my referees and from all accounts they seemed to like me. They then rang me to tell me that I didn't get the job and had decided to go with another candidate. I was really disappointed but thought it seemed fair enough, obviously there was someone more qualified then me.
It wasn't until a week later that one of my referees called me because she wanted to tell me about the call she had from my potential employer. They had asked her about my weight and if it would affect me in the job. Keep in mind this was for your typical desk job and didn't require any physical work. They apparently went on to ask her further questions about my weight and said they were concerned by how it would affect me in the job role. My referee thought I should know and in a way I am glad that she told me.
I was humiliated and felt like I didn't deserve a good job. I was so down about the situation that I stopped applying for my dream job and instead got myself a job in a mindless call centre (at a much hated company) where I was abused by customers all day. In my mind, I felt that this was the kind of job I deserved and I didn't feel like I could or should get anything better.
I have people try to tell me that there isn't such thing as fat discrimination and that it is all in my head. They say that people will treat you how you ask to be treated or that it is just a matter of confidence. This is true in some cases, but not always. I have too many examples to even get into the amount of times I have been treated like either a total moron or a sloth because people assume I am fat and stupid or fat and lazy. Further to this there are many other times where I have been openly ridiculed and abused or completely ignored because of my weight.
I now have a great job where I am judged by my abilities rather then my appearance, but yet I still struggle day to day to believe that I deserve this job. It is important to me that I am always first at work and last to leave and that I rarely take breaks. I guess in a way I feel that I have to prove to myself and my colleagues that, while I am fat, I am not stupid and lazy.
It sounds outrageous and unbelievable, but I had a similar situation myself when I was at my heaviest weight of 128.5 kilos. I applied for my dream job at my dream company, and I was asked in for two extensive interviews. They rang all of my referees and from all accounts they seemed to like me. They then rang me to tell me that I didn't get the job and had decided to go with another candidate. I was really disappointed but thought it seemed fair enough, obviously there was someone more qualified then me.
It wasn't until a week later that one of my referees called me because she wanted to tell me about the call she had from my potential employer. They had asked her about my weight and if it would affect me in the job. Keep in mind this was for your typical desk job and didn't require any physical work. They apparently went on to ask her further questions about my weight and said they were concerned by how it would affect me in the job role. My referee thought I should know and in a way I am glad that she told me.
I was humiliated and felt like I didn't deserve a good job. I was so down about the situation that I stopped applying for my dream job and instead got myself a job in a mindless call centre (at a much hated company) where I was abused by customers all day. In my mind, I felt that this was the kind of job I deserved and I didn't feel like I could or should get anything better.
I have people try to tell me that there isn't such thing as fat discrimination and that it is all in my head. They say that people will treat you how you ask to be treated or that it is just a matter of confidence. This is true in some cases, but not always. I have too many examples to even get into the amount of times I have been treated like either a total moron or a sloth because people assume I am fat and stupid or fat and lazy. Further to this there are many other times where I have been openly ridiculed and abused or completely ignored because of my weight.
I now have a great job where I am judged by my abilities rather then my appearance, but yet I still struggle day to day to believe that I deserve this job. It is important to me that I am always first at work and last to leave and that I rarely take breaks. I guess in a way I feel that I have to prove to myself and my colleagues that, while I am fat, I am not stupid and lazy.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
But I Hardly Eat A Thing...
Do you ever wonder why you are so fat? Well I was looking through some photos the other day and noticed an alarming trend...
There is the eating....
Not to mention the drinking...
So next time I wonder why I am so fat I can just re-visit this post. At least I can see I had a good time getting fat!
There is the eating....
Not to mention the drinking...
So next time I wonder why I am so fat I can just re-visit this post. At least I can see I had a good time getting fat!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
11 weeks
It is only 11 weeks until I go on holidays to Hawaii. That is 11 weeks until I will be on some of the most beautiful beaches in the world in my bathing suit. I don't want to spoil the scenery for everyone else so it is time to get serious.
I really want to work on my fitness so that I can go snorkeling, hike up a volcano, play tennis and swim at the beach all day. Of course I will be doing all this while sipping on a cocktail in the shape of a pineapple, but I want to be active none the less.
I have ordered my Tony Ferguson shakes and I am pumped to start next week. I feel so good about giving this a try and I really think this is going to be a huge help. The positive comments I got from you guys was amazing, sometimes I wonder what I would do with out your support!
So for the next 11 weeks I will be shaking away the kilos on TF and nothing will sway me from my goal of being under 95 kilos before I leave.
I wonder if I will be able to pull off a coconut bikini...
PS. I seem to have played around with the settings on my blog and left it in a bit of a mess. I don't have time to fix it now, but I'll do it in a few days. Bear with me!
I really want to work on my fitness so that I can go snorkeling, hike up a volcano, play tennis and swim at the beach all day. Of course I will be doing all this while sipping on a cocktail in the shape of a pineapple, but I want to be active none the less.
I have ordered my Tony Ferguson shakes and I am pumped to start next week. I feel so good about giving this a try and I really think this is going to be a huge help. The positive comments I got from you guys was amazing, sometimes I wonder what I would do with out your support!
So for the next 11 weeks I will be shaking away the kilos on TF and nothing will sway me from my goal of being under 95 kilos before I leave.
I wonder if I will be able to pull off a coconut bikini...
PS. I seem to have played around with the settings on my blog and left it in a bit of a mess. I don't have time to fix it now, but I'll do it in a few days. Bear with me!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Rocking The Suburbs
I am doing something I never thought I would do. I am moving out of my city townhouse and into a Mc Mansion in the suburbs.
We have all heard about how bad the current rental market is in most cities around Australia (and probably the world) but it has officially gotten outrageous. When I moved into my apartment it was more then I could afford, then the rent increased earlier this year and it became more of a struggle. Then last week we got another rent increase and we were forced to make the tough decision to move. No matter how much we can't be bothered with it, or how much we don't want to move to the suburbs, it is financially irresponsible to pay the amount of rent we pay.
So it has all happened pretty quickly and yesterday I put in an application for my own little Mc Mansion out in the 'burbs. Fingers crossed we get it and I can tell my landlord to go fuck himself.
As with anything, there are pros and cons to the situation...
PROS
- Save money
- Easy to get a car park at the shops
- Room for a home gym
- Closer to extended family
- Great take away food places (or is that a con?)
- Less traffic
- More space
- Could aid in weight loss???
CONS
- Boring
- No public transport (literally, it is a new suburb and has no train station!)
- Having to deal with screaming kids in supermarkets again
- No one will ever come and visit me
- No nice restaurants, bars, shops etc
- Expensive taxi ride to get home after a night out in the city
- Embarrassed to tell people where I live (yes I am that superficial)
- Could impede weight loss???
We have all heard about how bad the current rental market is in most cities around Australia (and probably the world) but it has officially gotten outrageous. When I moved into my apartment it was more then I could afford, then the rent increased earlier this year and it became more of a struggle. Then last week we got another rent increase and we were forced to make the tough decision to move. No matter how much we can't be bothered with it, or how much we don't want to move to the suburbs, it is financially irresponsible to pay the amount of rent we pay.
So it has all happened pretty quickly and yesterday I put in an application for my own little Mc Mansion out in the 'burbs. Fingers crossed we get it and I can tell my landlord to go fuck himself.
As with anything, there are pros and cons to the situation...
PROS
- Save money
- Easy to get a car park at the shops
- Room for a home gym
- Closer to extended family
- Great take away food places (or is that a con?)
- Less traffic
- More space
- Could aid in weight loss???
CONS
- Boring
- No public transport (literally, it is a new suburb and has no train station!)
- Having to deal with screaming kids in supermarkets again
- No one will ever come and visit me
- No nice restaurants, bars, shops etc
- Expensive taxi ride to get home after a night out in the city
- Embarrassed to tell people where I live (yes I am that superficial)
- Could impede weight loss???
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tony Ferguson
I am thinking of giving Tony Ferguson a try. This program is basically 2 shakes a day, 1 meal of lean meat and vegies as well as fruit for snacks. I have had success using shakes to lose weight in the past. When I was at my highest weight of 128.5 kilos I was quite depressed and I needed a helping hand with weight loss, I tried optifast and lost 15 kilos that I kept off. That loss was a lifeline to me and I don't know where I would be now without it.
As everyone with PCOS and insulin resistance knows, it can be extra difficult to lose weight and it gets really frustrating. A lot of people on the PCOS website I visit have done this program and have been successful with losing weight when nothing else would work. The good thing about this program is that, if you follow it correctly, you can be pretty much assured of losing weight.
At this stage in my life this program is as much about convenience as it is about losing weight. I really struggle to find the time to exercise every day, let alone shopping, cooking and packing lunches. I feel a bit overwhelmed by things that I just don't want to do. I work at least 12 hours a day as well as a 30 minute commute to and from work, then I get home and have to cook dinner, do dishes and other household chores, then exercise, shower and go to bed and do it all again. Any spare time I have at the moment is used to look for new house and take driving lessons- both not fun!
I feel like I never have time to do anything I actually want to do. I know that this is just life for most people and I am not special in this regard, but I am sick of it to be honest. I am sick of all the pressure I feel to do things I don't want to do. Exercise is one of these things. I want to keep exercising for my fitness and for fun, but the pressure I feel to get on the treadmill every night when it is late and I am exhausted is just not fun. I know that if I don't exercise every day I will not lose weight. My body just does not respond to weight loss unless I bust my arse on the treadmill. I want to enjoy a nice hike on weekends, a swim at my brothers house or a bike ride every now and again, I just don't want the pressure at the moment. The thing about the TF program is that you can lose weight with little or no exercise, so if I don't have time to exercise one night, I don't have to beat myself up about it.
I would love to hear if anyone has had any experience with TF or any similar programs. Try to be nice though, I know a lot of people hate these programs! I might hate it too, but I guess it is worth a try.
As everyone with PCOS and insulin resistance knows, it can be extra difficult to lose weight and it gets really frustrating. A lot of people on the PCOS website I visit have done this program and have been successful with losing weight when nothing else would work. The good thing about this program is that, if you follow it correctly, you can be pretty much assured of losing weight.
At this stage in my life this program is as much about convenience as it is about losing weight. I really struggle to find the time to exercise every day, let alone shopping, cooking and packing lunches. I feel a bit overwhelmed by things that I just don't want to do. I work at least 12 hours a day as well as a 30 minute commute to and from work, then I get home and have to cook dinner, do dishes and other household chores, then exercise, shower and go to bed and do it all again. Any spare time I have at the moment is used to look for new house and take driving lessons- both not fun!
I feel like I never have time to do anything I actually want to do. I know that this is just life for most people and I am not special in this regard, but I am sick of it to be honest. I am sick of all the pressure I feel to do things I don't want to do. Exercise is one of these things. I want to keep exercising for my fitness and for fun, but the pressure I feel to get on the treadmill every night when it is late and I am exhausted is just not fun. I know that if I don't exercise every day I will not lose weight. My body just does not respond to weight loss unless I bust my arse on the treadmill. I want to enjoy a nice hike on weekends, a swim at my brothers house or a bike ride every now and again, I just don't want the pressure at the moment. The thing about the TF program is that you can lose weight with little or no exercise, so if I don't have time to exercise one night, I don't have to beat myself up about it.
I would love to hear if anyone has had any experience with TF or any similar programs. Try to be nice though, I know a lot of people hate these programs! I might hate it too, but I guess it is worth a try.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Deja Vu
I am settling back into a pattern of (mostly) healthy eating and exercise. It is really not a huge focus for me right now when I have so much going on at work and home. I am just chugging along with it and doing the best I can, when I can and living my life in between. It is actually so much easier to stay on track when I take the focus off weight loss. I often spend so much time agonising over it that it consumes me, lately I don't have time to worry about it so I just get on with it and do it.
The good news is that my clothes are fitting me again and the numbers on the scale are coming down. Though until I see my lowest weight of the year again I don't get too excited by any of the numbers I see. Any number over 100 kilos is pretty much dead to me.
It is kind of like deja vu losing the same weight that I lost a few months ago. The same things are happening at the same times. "Oh yeah my jeans fit me when I get to this weight" and "oh yeah my top roll of fat shrinks a bit at this weight". I am really looking forward to reaching some fresh weight loss and fitness milestones soon. In particular I really want to get back into my skinny jeans. The last time I wore them I had to do some intense denim stretching exercises and I almost damaged an internal organ. If I can ever get those babies on again (and be able to breathe) I will popping a champagne cork. Any excuse...
The good news is that my clothes are fitting me again and the numbers on the scale are coming down. Though until I see my lowest weight of the year again I don't get too excited by any of the numbers I see. Any number over 100 kilos is pretty much dead to me.
It is kind of like deja vu losing the same weight that I lost a few months ago. The same things are happening at the same times. "Oh yeah my jeans fit me when I get to this weight" and "oh yeah my top roll of fat shrinks a bit at this weight". I am really looking forward to reaching some fresh weight loss and fitness milestones soon. In particular I really want to get back into my skinny jeans. The last time I wore them I had to do some intense denim stretching exercises and I almost damaged an internal organ. If I can ever get those babies on again (and be able to breathe) I will popping a champagne cork. Any excuse...
Thursday, July 03, 2008
The Gym
When I travel for work I like to use the hotel gyms. I don't currently have a gym membership so it is almost fun to go to the gym. Note I said almost. Tonight when I was at the gym I started thinking about some of my experiences in the gym over the years (I forgot my iPod and the boredom was killing me).
I can actually remember the first time I went to a gym. I was 16 and my high school best friend and I decided we wanted to lose some weight (so the boys would like us of course). Our small town didn't actually have a gym, so the next time my mum went into the big smoke we tagged along and asked her to drop us off at the gym and pick us up in 2 hours. My mum was concerned and decided she better take us in and check the whole thing out. She then proceeded to humiliate us by asking the hot young guy at the desk if we should be exercising for 2 hours because we really we weren't fit enough. He looked us over and agreed.
So after my mum finally left we went into the cardio room and I decided to try using the treadmill. My friend stood beside me while we tried to work out how to start it. There were 2 hot skinny girls in their 20's who noticed my confusion and were 'helpful' enough to tell me to "Push start and then set it to level 6 because that is the beginners level". I did as she said and promptly went flying off the back of the treadmill and onto the floor while they collapsed in fits of giggles. On my way out I looked over at their screen and noticed that they were jogging on level 6 and that it was clearly not a beginners level. So that was my first (but certainly not my last) experience with gym moles. We decided after the treadmill that it would be safer for us to go and sit in the spa.
After we finished our 'work-out' we went and waited in the car park for my mum to pick us up. We were red in the face from the exercise and embarrassment of the whole experience. Then we spied a girl from our high school class walking up to the door. She was one of those popular girls who was skinny, athletic and pretty and we just knew she would have a field day with seeing us fat losers at a gym. So we did what anyone would do, we hid in the bushes until she went inside. Of course that was the same moment my mum turned up and just looked at us and said "I don't want to know".
It was years after that until I went back to the gym. They can be a minefield for overweight people and have had my share of embarrassing experiences. There was the time I got stuck in a machine. You know that machine you put your thighs in and open and close your legs to build your inner thigh muscles? Well the machine somehow got locked in while my legs were wide open and I couldn't get out until I called someone over to unlock it. There was also the time when I was joined a new gym and they had to give me a fitness test and couldn't find a pulse band that was big enough to go around me and were so puzzled because they had never had anyone as big as me. I almost left then and didn't come back. The time I joined a diet program at the gym and the leader told me I had to learn to cook healthy meals for my future husband. I told her I didn't care to cook for my future husband and she asked me in a very worried tone if I was a lesbian. Not to mention when the fitball burst while I was doing a sit-up and I fell flat on my back. I still don't trust those things.
I laugh about it all now, but to be honest, in the hundreds of times I have been to the gym over the past 10 years there is probably not a time when I haven't felt self conscious and like I didn't belong there. It only takes a disgusted look from a gym bunny or a clumsy attempt to learn a new piece of equipment or for me to glimpse my rolls of fat in the mirror and I start to doubt myself and my right to be there. Even tonight when I was on the exercise bike I started thinking what the skinny girl on the elliptical behind me must be thinking of my huge arse. I wondered if she was using me as inspiration to keep going so she doesn't turn out like me. I wonder if the day will ever come when I can walk into a gym and feel like I deserve to be there as much as anyone else.
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