But I Hardly Eat A Thing...

Do you ever wonder why you are so fat? Well I was looking through some photos the other day and noticed an alarming trend...

There is the eating....
























Not to mention the drinking...
















So next time I wonder why I am so fat I can just re-visit this post. At least I can see I had a good time getting fat!

11 weeks

It is only 11 weeks until I go on holidays to Hawaii. That is 11 weeks until I will be on some of the most beautiful beaches in the world in my bathing suit. I don't want to spoil the scenery for everyone else so it is time to get serious.

I really want to work on my fitness so that I can go snorkeling, hike up a volcano, play tennis and swim at the beach all day. Of course I will be doing all this while sipping on a cocktail in the shape of a pineapple, but I want to be active none the less.

I have ordered my Tony Ferguson shakes and I am pumped to start next week. I feel so good about giving this a try and I really think this is going to be a huge help. The positive comments I got from you guys was amazing, sometimes I wonder what I would do with out your support!

So for the next 11 weeks I will be shaking away the kilos on TF and nothing will sway me from my goal of being under 95 kilos before I leave.

I wonder if I will be able to pull off a coconut bikini...



PS. I seem to have played around with the settings on my blog and left it in a bit of a mess. I don't have time to fix it now, but I'll do it in a few days. Bear with me!

Rocking The Suburbs

I am doing something I never thought I would do. I am moving out of my city townhouse and into a Mc Mansion in the suburbs.

We have all heard about how bad the current rental market is in most cities around Australia (and probably the world) but it has officially gotten outrageous. When I moved into my apartment it was more then I could afford, then the rent increased earlier this year and it became more of a struggle. Then last week we got another rent increase and we were forced to make the tough decision to move. No matter how much we can't be bothered with it, or how much we don't want to move to the suburbs, it is financially irresponsible to pay the amount of rent we pay.

So it has all happened pretty quickly and yesterday I put in an application for my own little Mc Mansion out in the 'burbs. Fingers crossed we get it and I can tell my landlord to go fuck himself.

As with anything, there are pros and cons to the situation...

PROS
- Save money
- Easy to get a car park at the shops
- Room for a home gym
- Closer to extended family
- Great take away food places (or is that a con?)
- Less traffic
- More space
- Could aid in weight loss???

CONS
- Boring
- No public transport (literally, it is a new suburb and has no train station!)
- Having to deal with screaming kids in supermarkets again
- No one will ever come and visit me
- No nice restaurants, bars, shops etc
- Expensive taxi ride to get home after a night out in the city
- Embarrassed to tell people where I live (yes I am that superficial)
- Could impede weight loss???

Tony Ferguson

I am thinking of giving Tony Ferguson a try. This program is basically 2 shakes a day, 1 meal of lean meat and vegies as well as fruit for snacks. I have had success using shakes to lose weight in the past. When I was at my highest weight of 128.5 kilos I was quite depressed and I needed a helping hand with weight loss, I tried optifast and lost 15 kilos that I kept off. That loss was a lifeline to me and I don't know where I would be now without it.

As everyone with PCOS and insulin resistance knows, it can be extra difficult to lose weight and it gets really frustrating. A lot of people on the PCOS website I visit have done this program and have been successful with losing weight when nothing else would work. The good thing about this program is that, if you follow it correctly, you can be pretty much assured of losing weight.

At this stage in my life this program is as much about convenience as it is about losing weight. I really struggle to find the time to exercise every day, let alone shopping, cooking and packing lunches. I feel a bit overwhelmed by things that I just don't want to do. I work at least 12 hours a day as well as a 30 minute commute to and from work, then I get home and have to cook dinner, do dishes and other household chores, then exercise, shower and go to bed and do it all again. Any spare time I have at the moment is used to look for new house and take driving lessons- both not fun!

I feel like I never have time to do anything I actually want to do. I know that this is just life for most people and I am not special in this regard, but I am sick of it to be honest. I am sick of all the pressure I feel to do things I don't want to do. Exercise is one of these things. I want to keep exercising for my fitness and for fun, but the pressure I feel to get on the treadmill every night when it is late and I am exhausted is just not fun. I know that if I don't exercise every day I will not lose weight. My body just does not respond to weight loss unless I bust my arse on the treadmill. I want to enjoy a nice hike on weekends, a swim at my brothers house or a bike ride every now and again, I just don't want the pressure at the moment. The thing about the TF program is that you can lose weight with little or no exercise, so if I don't have time to exercise one night, I don't have to beat myself up about it.

I would love to hear if anyone has had any experience with TF or any similar programs. Try to be nice though, I know a lot of people hate these programs! I might hate it too, but I guess it is worth a try.

Deja Vu

I am settling back into a pattern of (mostly) healthy eating and exercise. It is really not a huge focus for me right now when I have so much going on at work and home. I am just chugging along with it and doing the best I can, when I can and living my life in between. It is actually so much easier to stay on track when I take the focus off weight loss. I often spend so much time agonising over it that it consumes me, lately I don't have time to worry about it so I just get on with it and do it.

The good news is that my clothes are fitting me again and the numbers on the scale are coming down. Though until I see my lowest weight of the year again I don't get too excited by any of the numbers I see. Any number over 100 kilos is pretty much dead to me.

It is kind of like deja vu losing the same weight that I lost a few months ago. The same things are happening at the same times. "Oh yeah my jeans fit me when I get to this weight" and "oh yeah my top roll of fat shrinks a bit at this weight". I am really looking forward to reaching some fresh weight loss and fitness milestones soon. In particular I really want to get back into my skinny jeans. The last time I wore them I had to do some intense denim stretching exercises and I almost damaged an internal organ. If I can ever get those babies on again (and be able to breathe) I will popping a champagne cork. Any excuse...

The Gym

When I travel for work I like to use the hotel gyms. I don't currently have a gym membership so it is almost fun to go to the gym. Note I said almost. Tonight when I was at the gym I started thinking about some of my experiences in the gym over the years (I forgot my iPod and the boredom was killing me).

I can actually remember the first time I went to a gym. I was 16 and my high school best friend and I decided we wanted to lose some weight (so the boys would like us of course). Our small town didn't actually have a gym, so the next time my mum went into the big smoke we tagged along and asked her to drop us off at the gym and pick us up in 2 hours. My mum was concerned and decided she better take us in and check the whole thing out. She then proceeded to humiliate us by asking the hot young guy at the desk if we should be exercising for 2 hours because we really we weren't fit enough. He looked us over and agreed.

So after my mum finally left we went into the cardio room and I decided to try using the treadmill. My friend stood beside me while we tried to work out how to start it. There were 2 hot skinny girls in their 20's who noticed my confusion and were 'helpful' enough to tell me to "Push start and then set it to level 6 because that is the beginners level". I did as she said and promptly went flying off the back of the treadmill and onto the floor while they collapsed in fits of giggles. On my way out I looked over at their screen and noticed that they were jogging on level 6 and that it was clearly not a beginners level. So that was my first (but certainly not my last) experience with gym moles. We decided after the treadmill that it would be safer for us to go and sit in the spa.

After we finished our 'work-out' we went and waited in the car park for my mum to pick us up. We were red in the face from the exercise and embarrassment of the whole experience. Then we spied a girl from our high school class walking up to the door. She was one of those popular girls who was skinny, athletic and pretty and we just knew she would have a field day with seeing us fat losers at a gym. So we did what anyone would do, we hid in the bushes until she went inside. Of course that was the same moment my mum turned up and just looked at us and said "I don't want to know".

It was years after that until I went back to the gym. They can be a minefield for overweight people and have had my share of embarrassing experiences. There was the time I got stuck in a machine. You know that machine you put your thighs in and open and close your legs to build your inner thigh muscles? Well the machine somehow got locked in while my legs were wide open and I couldn't get out until I called someone over to unlock it. There was also the time when I was joined a new gym and they had to give me a fitness test and couldn't find a pulse band that was big enough to go around me and were so puzzled because they had never had anyone as big as me. I almost left then and didn't come back. The time I joined a diet program at the gym and the leader told me I had to learn to cook healthy meals for my future husband. I told her I didn't care to cook for my future husband and she asked me in a very worried tone if I was a lesbian. Not to mention when the fitball burst while I was doing a sit-up and I fell flat on my back. I still don't trust those things.

I laugh about it all now, but to be honest, in the hundreds of times I have been to the gym over the past 10 years there is probably not a time when I haven't felt self conscious and like I didn't belong there. It only takes a disgusted look from a gym bunny or a clumsy attempt to learn a new piece of equipment or for me to glimpse my rolls of fat in the mirror and I start to doubt myself and my right to be there. Even tonight when I was on the exercise bike I started thinking what the skinny girl on the elliptical behind me must be thinking of my huge arse. I wondered if she was using me as inspiration to keep going so she doesn't turn out like me. I wonder if the day will ever come when I can walk into a gym and feel like I deserve to be there as much as anyone else.

Healthy Habits

I have been doing well with food and exercise for a couple of weeks now. It has been really hard to convince my stomach it doesn't need to eat chocolate pudding every night and I am having a love hate relationship with exercise, but I am getting back into healthy habits.

Despite all this exercise and healthy eating I somehow managed to gain 700 grams when I weighed myself yesterday. It is so impossible that I could have actually gained fat that I am just ignoring that until my body settles down. I have found that now that I weigh myself more frequently it is easier to accept crazy fluctuations. I used to build my once-a-week weigh-in up so much, I would actually be sick with nerves as I stood on the scales because I had pinned so many hopes on that number. Now I weigh myself any time I feel like it, which is about every second day, and it is much easier to handle the ups and downs of the scale.

I am in New Zealand this week for work and, despite my flight being delayed by 8 very frustrating hours and only having 3 hours sleep last night, I am still determined to stay on track. I have been to the supermarket to stock up on healthy supplies so I can avoid room service and I have just returned from the hotel gym. Of course I have not been a total angel, while in Auckland I finally had the chance to meet the beautiful Marshmallow for breakfast this morning and we indulged in some delicious pancakes and the yummiest oreo milkshake. Marshy, being the good blogger that she is, took along her camera so I am sure she will post pictures soon. Keep in mind it was 6.00 am and I had only had 3 hours sleep...

Summer is coming???

Winter has just started here in Australia but all it does is remind me that Summer is coming. The good news is that there is more then 5 months between now and then and that is plenty of time to make a difference. I feel like at this point I have a choice.

I can spend winter snuggled up with my good friends red wine, dark chocolate and pizza and then resurface in summer to complain that I have nothing to wear, don't want to leave the house and my thighs are chaffing.

OR

I can do something about my weight now and spend summer with friends, in gorgeous summer skirts and dresses, having the time of my life.

It seems like an easy decision, but it is proving harder to action then you would think.

Fat is All Around

I have had that song "Love is all around" stuck in my head for weeks, well to be more specific a line of that song:

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

Unfortunately it is not love I am feeling, it is weight gain. In every part of my body I can feel the extra weight I have gained. When I cross my legs, put my panty hose on, get into the car or dry myself after having a shower I can feel it everywhere. Don't even get me started on clothes.

I am pretty disappointed in myself for letting all that hard work go to waste and being back where I started at in January. I can vividly remember the night of my high school reunion (well the start, the rest is an alcohol induced blur) at the end of March and I had gotten my weight down to about 96 kilos. I was getting ready with my friend and slid my new skinny jeans on and my new top bought from a 'normal' sized clothes shop and I felt amazing. I really felt like in that moment there was nothing I couldn't do and all my self loathing disappeared.

Why in the world do I keep doing this when I know how wonderful the alternative can be?

My European Adventure

I finally uploaded some pictures from my holiday in Europe. I don't take very good pictures, so they really aren't terribly exciting. It was such a full on month that it is hard to even talk about it. There were moments where I was overwhelmed by the beauty and history of Europe, moments were I overwhelmed by the crowds of tourists and moments where I just wanted to go home.

Highlights...

- When I ran into the Pope and Patrick Dempsey within half an hour of each other in Rome
- Drinking champagne in Champagne
- Meeting new people
- Learning about the history of England, Italy and France
- Walking in the rain and not caring how wet I got because I was on holidays
- Having fun trying to speak another language and understand different cultures and customs
- The food!

Lowlights...

- Not being able to wash my clothes
- The 30 hour delay coming home
- Not having my friends and family with me to share these great experiences
- The prices- whoa!
- My terrible sense of direction and where it led me
- Crowds, queues and tourists
- The weight gain...


LONDON




Trafalgar Square




Chicago at the West End




The changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace




The lovely and green St James Park




The beautiful landscape of London




Hot and sweaty on the London Eye- it was like an oven in there!


ROME




The Pantheon




The Trevi fountain




Pompei




The weather for most of my stay in Rome




Just one of the many pizzas I ate in Rome




The Roman Forum




St Peter's Square in the Vatican City




The Swiss guard at the Sistine Chapel




Me in front of the Colosseum




Me overlooking Florence


PARIS




Chocolate crepes in France... soooo good!




The vineyards of Champagne




The cellars of Moet & Chandon




Drinking Moet & Chandon champagne at the Moet & Chandon winery in Champagne!




The Pere Lachaise cemetery




I could live on cheese and the French don't do a bad cheese plate!




The Arc de Triomphe




The view from the top of the Arc de Triomphe




The Louvre




The famous Mona Lisa (and crowds of people)




The view from below the Eiffel Tower




The view from the top of the Eiffel Tower