Loss Of Wisdom

It is so strange the things that you let hold you back when you are overweight. One of the biggest (and more painful) issues for me was my teeth. I knew I had a lot of cavities that needed filling and I knew I needed my wisdom teeth out, but I just didn't have the confidence to go to the dentist to get my teeth fixed.

Unless you have been obese it might be hard to understand why going to the dentist would be a fat phobia, but I was scared of so many things. The judgement from the dentist that I was so fat and clearly didn't eat well and getting my heavy body onto and off the examination were just a couple of things that terrified me.

I am ashamed to say that, until recently, I had only been to the dentist twice in my life. Dental care in Australia is very expensive and so it wasn't something my family could afford growing up and as I got older (and fatter) my fear of the dentist intensified and I managed to avoid going despite the fact I could only eat on one side of mouth for years.

Late last year I finally decided it was time to get my teeth sorted and so mustered all my courage and visited the dentist for the first time in many years and started the long and expensive process of getting my teeth fixed. I needed 6 cavities filled and a broken tooth fixed. The funny thing is that the dentist showed me that my fears were valid when she berated me for eating so many sweets to need so many fillings and made me feel like a glutton. Even though I was no longer obese, I was still humiliated!

The next step was getting x-rays on my wisdom teeth and the dentist confirming that I needed all 4 wisdom teeth out as soon as possible. So yesterday I went into hospital to have my 4 wisdom teeth extracted. I really wasn't very nervous about the procedure, just excited to have them pulled out finally. Over the past 6-7 years they had caused me a tremendous amount of pain with infections and abscesses, so it was just a relief to know that I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore.

The surgery went well and the hospital staff were all amazing and now I am resting up in bed on some lovely strong pain killers with a week off work to recover. The most painful thing right now is the $3,500 out of pocket expenses- ouch! Obviously I am hoping that the liquid diet I am on all week will give me a nice weight loss boost before summer... I just need to cut back on the custard and ice cream...

Silver Lining

Another day… another strange tram experience… I spend way too many hours of my week on the 57 tram and, of all the tram routes I have lived on (including St Kilda and Fitzroy!), I can definitely say it is the craziest.

I am no stranger to weird public transport encounters because I have one of those faces that says “pick me to harass or ask for money”. It really doesn’t bother me because I most of these people are mentally ill or drug affected and just need a little help or someone to listen to them.

The other day a young man, who was mostly likely under the influence of drugs, decided he didn’t like me.  So he proceeded to spend 15 minutes screaming abuse at me. He called me every name under the sun and made threats against me without even taking a breath. Apparently everything about me from my clothes, sun glasses and hair bothered him and he let me know, interspersed with a lot of ‘F’ and ‘C’ words.

I was relieved when I finally came to my stop and got off the tram because it was getting a bit embarrassing. When AJ got home I told him what had happened and some of the crazy names this guy had called me. AJ’s response made me laugh, he said:

AJ: “Did he call you fat?”

ME: “No he didn’t actually”

AJ: “Well that’s good then isn’t it!”

I guess I should be thankful for small mercies!!!

What To Expect When You're Expecting

source

Spring has arrived in Melbourne so do you know what that means for me? Repeatedly being mistaken for a pregnant woman on public transport.

Last summer I was offered a seat on public transport 11 times due to people thinking I was pregnant. It wasn't only by men either, once a woman offered me her seat, which is only about a thousand times more mortifying. I really did have a sense of humour about it the first 5 times, but it is starting to get less and less funny.

I very much enjoyed the winter months when I wore a thick coat and scarf that covered my fat stomach and no one ever offered me their seat because they thought I was with child. Today was the first day that the sun was shining enough for me to take the tram to work without wearing my winter jacket and guess what? I step on a crowded tram and a man gets up and offers me his seat. Surely this sort of public humiliation is sufficient grounds for Medicare to pay for me to get a tummy tuck!

I know some people might think that is fantastic and I should just take the seat, but I am clearly not pregnant. I do have a fat stomach, but it is separated into two distinct rolls, it is not a nice round little bump. The worst bit is when I decline the offer of the seat I can see the other 80 people crammed next to me on the tram looking at me thinking “is she, or isn’t she?”. I then usually hold my big handbag over my stomach and stare very intently at the floor until I get off the tram.


It also makes me wonder, if 11 people were so sure that I was pregnant that they offered me their seat, how many other people must wonder if I am pregnant but just aren't sure? I was wearing a fitted skirt to work last month and a colleague couldn't stop staring at my stomach and seemed to want to ask if I was pregnant. I quickly worked a comment about going home to drink a bottle of wine after work into the conversation. Better she think I am an alcoholic than pregnant...

I know I should probably wear spanx to work, but it’s really not comfortable to wear a skin tight body suit all day in the summer. Not to mention that I just cannot get the hang of those clips that are supposed to enable me to use the bathroom without undressing and I do not need an underwear malfunction at work.

Well it’s the end of September now; I guess I only have to endure this humiliation until about April. Great.

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Catching Up

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me and I must admit that healthy eating and exercise have not been a high priority for me (any excuse). Sometimes there are just better things going on to worry about calories! Last week I had my beautiful cousin's wedding, then my younger brother and his fiance arrived back home after 2 and a half years living in Canada, then I had my mum's 50th birthday and then on Monday I started my new job.

I ended up getting way too drunk at my cousin's wedding and vomited on myself on the car ride home. Yes, I'm still classy at 30 years of age! I had to endure a pretty bad hangover the next day when I was supposed to be baking for my mum's birthday. Lucky AJ came to the rescue and picked up my slack while I lay on the couch eating chips and watching the Real Housewives.

Later that night we went to pick up my younger brother and his fiance from the airport. I had only seen them once in the 2 and a half years they had been away, so it was very exciting. My mum didn't know they were coming home, so at her party the next day she was shocked and excited to see them. We were even scared she would have a heart attack when she first saw them!

Then yesterday I started my new job and it is fair to say that I feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed right now. I guess that is what the first week at a new job is like, I just have to get used to using my little brain again. It'll all be worth it on pay day!

Here are a few photos of what has been happening... I hope my family don't mind me posting pictures of them...

MY COUSIN'S WEDDING

My dad and step mum at the ceremony

My cousin, the beautiful bride

My older brother and his fiancee at the reception

Me and my another gorgeous cousin at the reception

MY MUM'S BIRTHDAY

Me and my brother's fiance frantically getting the party ready while my mum was having her hair done

My older brother putting up the decorations

AJ doing the final touches on the baking

My younger brother and his fiance hiding as my mum walked in

Vanilla cupcakes, peanut butter and chocolate pretzel balls, caramel cashew popcorn, fairy bread, chocolate crackles, home made strawberry coconut marshmallows, lemon cheesecake slice and of course lots of lollies and chips

Food!

The savoury food, just to balance off all the sweets

My mum when she first saw that my brother and his fiance had arrived back home from Canada

Me pouring the champers for a toast

My mum opening her present

Me, my mum and brothers posing for a family picture

AJ showing his usual level of maturity

The cake (the 5 was butternut snap with honeycomb crunchie bar cream and the 0 was a chocolate ripple with mint areo bar cream)

AJ bringing the cake out

Action shot of my mum blowing the candles out

A busy, but amazing week of family, food and fun!

Food For Thought

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about my end goals for weight loss. She has been a big inspiration to me by losing almost 70 kilos (154 lbs) and having plastic surgery to completely remodel her body after weight loss. She has recently gained about 25 kilos back after having a baby and adjusting to a new life, but she still looks fabulous and doesn’t look to me like she needs to lose weight. Unfortunately she has been completely miserable about the weight gain and she is really struggling to be happy at a heavier weight (which I completely understand).

I told my friend that if I could maintain 75 kilos (165 lbs) I would be happy to have plastic surgery to have my excess skin removed and live comfortably in the mid-to-low 70’s range. I know I wouldn’t be considered a healthy BMI at this weight and I wouldn’t have the perfect body, but I would be happy at that weight. I feel fit and healthy so I think it is more important that I get on with my life and stop obsessing about weight loss. It is just ridiculous to me that I let a few kilos get in the way of my happiness and I don’t want to live like that anymore.

When I told my friend this I could see that she really couldn’t see where I was coming from. She even told me that if I got my plastic surgery done at 75 kilos I would still be unhappy with my body and I would focus on my love handles or some other part of me to hate. She does have experience in this because she had her first lot of plastic surgery at this weight, she still wasn’t happy, so she lost more weight and got more surgery done.

I probably felt the same way as her about 6 months or a year ago, but my focus has really changed lately. I care less about the way I look and more about my health. I have to admit that as much as I used to think I was doing this for my health, my main motivation was really just vanity… Don’t get me wrong, I am still as vain as the next person, but my appearance is no longer a priority for me in losing weight, it’s more about being happy and healthy.

I don’t want to be patronising and say I felt sorry for my friend, but I did feel for her because I have been in the same place. More than anything it highlighted how much I don’t want to be stuck in the cycle of dieting and hating my body forever. I just feel like there is so much more to life than having the perfect body and, the more I focus on my weight and my body, the less interesting I am as a person. I am so grateful to be starting my 30’s with the new perspective on life.

What A Relief!

What a week! I got a fill last Tuesday and I knew it felt quite tight immediately, but I thought I should give it a few days to settle. By Friday I knew that this fill had to come out because I could only ‘eat’ yoghurt and pudding cups. Sometimes I couldn’t even get water down and would spend the afternoon vomiting up freaking water. The horror.

Of course by Friday it was too late to get any fill taken out before the weekend, so I had to suffer through the weekend barely able to eat or drink anything. I was having a girls night with some friends on Saturday night and was worried about how drunk I would get drinking alcohol when I hadn’t eaten anything all week. I actually had to purchase low alcohol wine so I wasn’t a hot mess. What a flake.

I finally got in to see my fill doctor yesterday and asked him to remove .4 mls from my band, leaving me at 5.7 mls in a 10 ml band. While I only had .2 mls put in the week before, I decided that I wanted to have extra fluid taken out so that I can eat more normally again. I was previously trying to increase the fluid in my band so that I could get this ‘satisfied’ feeling I have heard people talk about with the lap band. I’ve given up on the idea that lap band will help curb my appetite and will go back to eating healthy whole foods and using good old fashioned will power. At least I should have less embarrassing moments in restaurants now that I have less restriction.

I must admit that I was proud of myself for not resorting to eating chocolate and ice cream last week when I was overly restricted. Instead, I thought I would take advantage of the weight loss that would come with enforced starvation and stick to healthy liquids, but would you believe I didn’t lose any bloody weight?! After a few days the scale showed that I lost 2 kilos and then, for god knows what reason, those pesky kilos came back on the next day. This is why I don’t usually weigh myself, scales are ridiculous.

I am feeling so much better now I can eat again and I enjoyed a nice Indian feast last night to celebrate. I’m back on the straight and narrow today and just appreciating that I can eat fruit, sushi and oats again. Tonight I am making a big spinach, walnut, cranberry and feta salad for dinner and I can’t wait. The simple things in life really are the best.

Good & Evil

I wanted to share a couple of recipes I made last weekend that I thought were delicious and worked really well. I would love to know if you have any favourite recipes that you would like to share!

GOOD

I try to make a pot of soup every week or two to get all my veggies, lentils and legumes in. Soup can be so boring and I find myself dreading eating soup for dinner again… but this Bacon and Vegetable Soup I could eat every day for lunch and dinner. It was rich, wholesome, filling and delicious and I am sure I will make it again.

Bacon and Vegetable Soup

Ingredients

• 2 teaspoons olive oil
• 1 leek, trimmed, halved, washed, thinly sliced
• 1 brown onion, diced
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed
• 4 rashers middle bacon, chopped
• 2 celery stalks, trimmed, chopped
• 2 medium carrots, peeled, chopped
• 1/2 cup pearl barley
• 400g can crushed tomatoes
• 6 cups salt-reduced chicken stock
• 1 medium zucchini, halved, sliced
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil leaves
• Salt and pepper for seasoning

Method

• Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Cook leek, onion and garlic, stirring, for 2 to 3 minutes or until leek has softened. Add bacon, celery, zucchini and carrot. Cook, stirring, for 5 minutes or until bacon is golden.
• Stir in barley, tomato and stock. Bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 40 minutes or until barley has softened.
• Simmer for 20 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Add basil. Stir to combine. Serve.

Recipe taken and amended to my taste from: http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/22905/bacon+and+vegetable+soup

EVIL

Warning: this stuff is like crack. After I made it I couldn’t stop eating it and when I finally ran out, I couldn’t stop thinking about making it again so I could eat more. It is now one of my all-time favourite recipes and is also the perfect recipe to make for friends and family as a gift (if you are as mean as me).

Caramel Popcorn

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup popping corn
• 125g butter, chopped
• 3/4 cup white sugar
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1 cup pecans, roughly chopped

Method

• Line a tray with baking paper.
• Pop your popcorn using whatever method you use (I used a popcorn machine).
• Transfer to a large bowl, discarding any unpopped corn.
• Make caramel: Combine butter, sugar and honey in a saucepan over medium heat.
• Cook, stirring, for 5 to 7 minutes or until sugar has dissolved.
• Bring mixture to the boil. Boil, uncovered, without stirring, for 5 to 8 minutes or until light golden.
• Remove from heat. Stir in pecans. Pour caramel mixture over popcorn and stir until popcorn is coated.
• Spread over prepared tray. Set aside to cool. Break into pieces. Serve.

Recipe taken and amended to my taste from: http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/8051/caramel+popcorn

I Give In

I am having some serious binge eating problems. I know, what’s new? I eat well most of the day, exercise a few times a week and then in the evenings I come home and dedicate my night to eating as much as humanly possible. Since I have a lap band, this can take me all night. I told you I was dedicated!

Sometimes eating normal food slows me down so I just eat ice cream. I ate 3 tubs of ice cream over the weekend… Burnt Fig, Caramel & Honeycomb on Friday night, Caramel, Date and Pecan on Saturday night and Honeycomb and Butterscotch on Sunday night. For your reference, the Burnt Fig, Caramel & Honeycomb was the best.

In my over-eating spree I have discovered a nifty trick for lap banders. When you eat too much and get food stuck, if you lay on your right side the food goes down. This was discovered after I ate way too much and had to lay on the couch to recover and magically my food popped right on down. I have tested this theory many times now and it almost always works. It’s just not really appropriate for those sticky situations at work or in restaurants!

So I decided to get a fill in my band yesterday in the hope that it will help me slow down my eating frenzy. I got .2 ml put in my band and I now have 6.1 ml in a 10 ml band. This is by far the most I have ever had in my band and boy can I feel it. Food is going down very, very slowly. I can’t tell if it is going to help with my hunger because I have not been able to get down enough food to actually feel full yet. I hope once the post-fill tightness wears off I’ll be able to eat my small bandster portions and feel satisfied. I have been hoping that for the past 2 years and am still yet to achieve it…

I know my binge eating problems are really nothing the lap band can solve, so it is up to me to do the work to try and get my eating under control. I have known for a while now that I should see a psychologist specialising in eating disorders, but I wasn’t ready to do it. I knew that I wasn’t willing to let go of the binge/starve cycle I have been living for the past 25 years. I thought that I would never lose weight if I couldn’t starve myself, but I can finally see that in order to ensure I am never obese again, I need to learn to eat normally.

I have lost and gained the same 5 kilos for almost a year now and I just can’t do it anymore. So I will let my doctor know that I am finally ready to see the shrink she has been urging me to see and hopefully learn some strategies to stop this vicious cycle.

Tassie Weekend

Last weekend AJ and I went on a long weekend to Tasmania. I had always wanted a weekend in Tassie and bought the cheap flights to Launceston on impulse one day while I was bored at work. For those that don't know, Tassie is a small island off the south of Australia, and just a short plane trip from Melbourne. It is known for it's amazing scenery and fantastic food and wine-- what is not to like?!

We had the most amazing weekend and can quite honestly say I was grinning from ear-to-ear every moment of every day. I loved every second of our trip away, so please indulge me while I bore your with travel photos and stories!

 Flying over the Tasman to Launceston

 The obligatory in-flight photo that AJ always takes and that always brings out my lazy eye!

After we arrived we had breakfast at a lovely cafe called Stillwater and then walked along the river in Launceston

So pretty here, I wish we had time to walk along this gorge, but there were wineries to be seen!

Visiting the wineries of the Tamar Valley

Stopping in the charming town of Beaconsfield (yes, the place were the miners were trapped) 

AJ in Beaconsfield 

Me in Georgetown 

Me trying to take an artistic photo of drain pipes in Georgetown 

AJ excited to be posing in front of some monument to celebrate the settlement (invasion) of Europeans in Australia

Me excited to be eating lots of cheese and drinking wine!

Next winery was Janz for lots of bubbles

On the way to Swansea and stopping off in the bush somewhere so I could go to the bathroom (no I don't have a photo of that!)

The park I violated by using it as a bathroom

Arriving at our accommodation in Swansea and jumping into the spa fully clothed

Hiking through Freycinet early the next morning

So freaking steep!

Stopping for a photo opportunity... and to get our breath back...

Finally at the top of one hill where I collapse

The view kept us going...

Finally we made it to Wineglass Bay... where the fuck is the wine?

Wineglass Bay, I only wish I had a good camera and knew stuff about photography because this was the most amazing beach I have ever seen

AJ refueling on a muesli bar before we hiked back

Watching the waves crash on Wineglass Bay

It's freezing cold in Tassie and I am getting my sweat on climbing up those rocks 

The views over the beach at the Lighthouse where we took a picnic lunch

Watching the waves crash on the rocks 

Me feeling that bitter cold wind off the water while eating lunch

Walking along Friendly Beaches

Our terrible attempt at an Inukshuk on the beach

Our even worse attempt at drawing a map of Tassie on the beach

Back to the cottage at the Piermont in Swansea

Walking along the beach in front of our cottage

AJ pretending he can hear the ocean in a shell

The restaurant at the hotel

  

The view from our balcony

The lounge area and the view in our cottage

The view of the water from the spa

Me getting ready for dinner

AJ pretending to know stuff about wine at dinner

Me drinking wine by the fire

The delicious dessert, well I think it was delicious, I was probably a bit drunk by the time it came out

AJ: "Are your as drunk as me?"

ME: "Even drunker!!!"

Watching the sunrise on the balcony

The view of the frost and sunrise from the balcony

The seagulls on the pier in Swansea

Walking along the beach in Swansea

The beach in Swansea before we froze and had to leave

Kate's Berry Farm

Scones with jam and cream for breakfast

Me enjoying breakfast in the sun

Stopping for a break on the way to Cradle Mountain

Beautiful Campbell Town

AJ in front of the river at Campbell Town

Stopping for lunch in Westbury

AJ pretending to be in shackles in the Village Green of Westbury

The Village Green of Westbury

A cute cafe in Deloraine

A 50's cafe in Deloraine

Me enjoying a milkshake in the 50's cafe. I only wish I was hungry enough for a burger too!

AJ trying to work out where the hell we are

Stopping to admire the view while on the road to Cradle Mountain

A cute little paddymelon at our lodge in Cradle Mountain

Me excited to see snow at Cradle Mountain

Me at Cradle Mountain

Enchanted walk at Cradle Mountain

Enchanted Walk at Cradle Mountain

Cradle Mountain Lodge

Cradle Mountain Lodge

Me playing with a paddymelon

Enjoying a hot chocolate (with a shot of Bailey's) at the lodge

Cute wombat outside our cabin

Wombat playing in the snow

Warming up in front of the fire of our cabin

AJ drinking wine at the restaurant of the lodge

Me enjoying the amazing Tassie seafood 

I always have room for dessert!

A night isn't complete without wine by the fire!

Shaking off the hangover with a bowl of porridge

The lovely view from our breakfast table

Our hike for the morning, Dove Lake Canyon

AJ on our hike

Me thinking this was funny, little did I know how hairy this icy walk would get!

Me on the track around Dove Lake, this isn't so funny anymore...

Trying to enjoy the view, but mostly petrified of slipping on the ice!

Me falling as I walk on the track, please just let this be over soon...

Finally the icy walk is over and we are eating delicious cheese at Ashgrove

Me with my cheese to take home and the local cow

I need an apron with the slogan on it!

Belgian hot chocolate at House of Anvers chocolate house

The grounds of the chocolate house, just a beautiful place to sit... and eat salted caramels...

More sweets at Christmas Hills Raspberry farm

Very much enjoying my raspberry and golden syrup dumplings

Back in Launceston for a walk around the park

City park in Launceston

The sun setting and time to get to the airport and fly back to Melbourne

Bye Tassie, I can't wait to come back!!!