I have had two moments this week that have really re-affirmed why I am doing this. Sometimes I get caught up in pretty dresses and I forget why I really want to lose weight.
Firstly, a few days ago I had a meeting with one of my editors at Melbourne Uni and as usual I was half an hour early, so I sat on the grass and took a break while I waited. I was looking at all the students around me on the beautiful campus and noticed there were lots of parents helping their kids move onto college. It took me back to 1999 when I moved onto college at uni and how happy I was back then. I had lost a significant amount of weight before starting uni and was a size 14-16 (Australian sizes). For the first time in my life I felt normal- I could wear clothes from any shop, I had loads of friends and the boys were liking me a bit too... ;-) I always remember that year as the best year of my life.
About a year later I started gaining weight rapidly and put on about 40 kilos over a few years. I was depressed and I truly hated myself. I can still vividly remember that first year of uni though when I felt good about myself and I really want that back. When I was watching the students on campus earlier this week it made me realise that I have wasted most of my 20's being unhappy and I am not prepared to waste another day of my life hating myself.
Then this morning I had a hospital appointment for my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I have regular appointments at the Royal Women's every 3 months for check ups and to review medication etc. This morning I was seeing the doctor because for the last 6 months I have been experiencing a lot of pain and irregular periods that have been concerning me. The doctor did an internal examination and thinks I probably have endometriosis as well PCOS (I have also had Dysplasia too so I think my body is rejecting my female organs!) but to diagnose properly I will need to have a laparoscopy.
So that is all fine, I am not too concerned about all of this as it is not serious. Then the doctor asks how much I weigh and I tell her I am 100 kilos and that is when it started. They want me to go ahead and have the operation but there is a risk that it may not be successful because my fat may make it difficult to find my organs. The doctor was actually quite nice about it, but it didn't make it any less humiliating. You have to wonder about yourself when you get to a point where you are so fat that a doctor may not be able to perform a routine operation.
I actually had a laparoscopy about 6 years ago and I remember the doctor saying something similar back then, but that time she said that she wasn't sure that they would have surgical equipment that would be long enough to get through my fat. That day I cried after I left the hospital and probably ate a Big Mac. Today I almost cried from embarrassment and shame, but instead I decided to walk the 30 minutes home, instead of getting a tram, and just get on with it. The operation won't be for a few months at least because of waiting lists so I will just do my best to keep losing weight and hopefully that will make the operation easier to perform.
I really have just had enough of letting my weight take over my life. I vow that 2008 will be the year that I finally conquer my weight problems once and for all.
Maybe you could find a picture of your Uni days and put it on your fridge ... that way you will remember the feeling and see how great you looked??
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel with feeling like you've wasted your 20's being fat and unhappy ..... This is what I have been telling myself lately too .... I was fat in my teens, twenties and I turn 30 in October and I will be fucked if I am going to spend my 30's unhappy too!!! This is my year too Tully, I just have to pull my finger out and put it into action!!
The house is only a few weeks away and then I will have my own routines and my own kitchen .... I will be ok then!!! *sigh* FFS Please!!! *giggle*
ohh and don't worry about the doctors, they have seen far worse than you and I!!
ReplyDeleteGood luck for the operation!!!
I personally disagree with Mellisa's plan of attack - it may work for some people, but not for others. I know if I had a photo of me at a thinner stage when I was bouncing around with my weight, I would feel far too much pressure and would cave in. I guess it's up to you whether you want an image of yourself to act as your guidance or rather an idea of a fitter, healthier you. I personally go with the latter.
ReplyDeleteAside from that - {{{BIG HUG}}} I hope you feel better after that hospital visit, though it is a relief to see that you are responding quite well. 2008 will be your year!
Today I was thinking about the good things I have achieved and how they are really small things and changes I have made and that making those changes (eating better and exercising more)and losing some weight hasn't actually been that hard, in fact it was a whole lot easier than the self-loathing and being controlled by being overweight and also the difficulties of the associated illnesses. I have pcos too and now I have type 2 diabetes and I wish I had the insight you did when I was in my 20s and I think you are wonderful.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you have a time in your life that you can look back to.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I think 2008 is definitely the year to create a new basis for happiness! You are already on your way!
Hey
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling i have both endro and PCOS!! its hard! i hate the pain of it!
I am always scared that ill have to have an op because im fat i remember my best friend being told she was to big to have a c section in our local hospital as she was 140 kg
why does weight always have to be an issue
Hey Tully,
ReplyDeleteSorry 2 hear about the health issues. You have the right attitude here, not dwelling on them but doing something positive towards your health by taking a walk. I know you will regain that feeling you had in 1999 and I predict you'll feel even better than then because you are a lot more mindful and mature now. Plus you'll look much better now that you did then, believe me. I went thru this same thing and looking at pics I like my new self a lot better than when I was starting college and thought I looked good. I suppose it's 2 do with all that coming into ourselves thing, lol. Best wishes, K.
I'm sorry to hear how you were feeling about your wt and what the doctor said. I like your attitude that you walked and you just want to get on with life.
ReplyDeleteI hope the operation goes well and everything turns out fine.
I'm sorry you feel like you wasted your 20's being heavier but that exactly how I feel about my 30's. I mean I got down to a reasonably weight in my early 30's due to the scuba job but now at 40 something, ha, I feel like I've just let myself go. I really can't seem to get a handle on it. This stress=my emotional eating. I'll keep trying. There is hope. We can do this if we really change. Just keep plugging along and I will be right along side you cheering for you! We deserve to feel good about our body shapes again. It will happen.