Scale Shock Horror

I decided a while ago to steer clear from the scales until the new year because I was tired of them screwing with my head. When I started back on my optifast shake diet I decided that it might be time to come back to the scales because anyone who has been on a shake diet knows you need the scales as motivation.

I expected to see a pretty bad number, but nothing could have prepared me for just how bad it was. OK, I am just going to say it, I was 120.9 kilos. Keep in mind that in March this year I was 96.7 kilos so that is a gain of over 24 kilos in 7 and a half months. I know, how bad is that?! I didn't even think it was humanly possible to gain that much weight in such a short period of time. Maybe I should commission myself to actors that need to gain weight quickly for a movie role?

I was beyond shocked and if I was the crying type I would have burst into tears. The first thing that came to my mind was "How could you have gone out with your old friends from high school last weekend, they must have thought you looked revolting. They were probably ashamed to be seen with you". See how the scales screw with me!

So superficial embarrassment aside, I was deeply disappointed that I let myself get back to such a high weight. I did not ever think I would see a number above 110 kilos again and god forbid that I actual saw 120 kilos again. It has been years since I have been that weight and I thought I left it well and truly behind me. Every time I step on the scales I half expect it to go back to about 105 kilos and for the whole thing to be one big mistake. I have moved the scale onto other surfaces and stripped down to be bare naked, but it doesn't change. This morning I even held my hands up to check I wasn't 'accidentally' holding a 10 kilo weight.

Anyway, There is no point dwelling on the situation, I just need to move forward and learn from my mistakes. This weight does not feel like who I am anymore and I am determined to get it off.

Thanks Mum!

I spend a lot of time complaining about all the bad things that come with being fat and the people who have been unkind and downright nasty because of my size. Something I forget to mention is that I have had one person my whole life who has been nothing but supportive of me. My mum.

Something my mum has always understood is the importance of clothes in a girls life. When I was a young, the school uniform shops didn't make any uniforms in bigger sizes and so my mum got a seamstress to carefully copy the school uniform so as you couldn't tell it wasn't bought from the uniform shop. Despite the fact we were very poor when I was growing up, she would scour the shops to find 'cool' clothes in my size for school discos so that I would fit in with the other kids. Then for my high school graduation she took me to the one plus size shop in Melbourne at the time and bought me a gorgeous skirt and top that she then had her friend alter to make it trendier and it was probably the first time in my high school life that I felt good about myself.

In more recent times she noticed my weight gain and quietly went about making me a number of dresses to wear in Hawaii, a dress for my friend's wedding and a dress for the Melbourne Cup. She didn't ever mention the fact that I had put on weight and had nothing to fit me, she just made them and casually said that I might find somewhere to wear them. She doesn't have much money, yet she has spent all her spare money on material and patterns at Spotlight to make clothes for me. She doesn't even really know how to sew, she just decided to follow the directions and see what she could do.

It wasn't only clothes, she always fought for me and my right not to be humiliated because of my weight. When we used to take swimming lessons at school and I couldn't pull myself up out of the pool like the other kids, my mum quietly asked the swim teacher to have my lessons close by the pool ladder. During bike education some of the safety vests were too small for me so my mum asked the instructor to hold aside a larger one for me each lesson. During the hellish years of PE at school my mum would blast my PE teachers when they made us weigh ourselves in front of everyone or when they would scream at me for being 'fat and slow'. Once I was so desperate to get out of a school cross country race that my mum organised for me and her to go to Melbourne for the day and go shopping so that I didn't have to go through yet another humiliating school sporting event.

Unlike a lot of people in my life, she has never made me feel bad or like I deserve less because I am overweight. She has never acted like any of my concerns about fitting in at school or wearing nice clothes were frivolous. There are just too many examples of how she has helped me to even mention them all here and right now my head is swarmed with funny memories of my mum doing crazy things to help me out. I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

Hot Date!

I have a hot Saturday night date with... myself!

I haven't had a Saturday night to myself in months and I won't have another for many more months. So I made a commitment to stay at home all weekend and just have some much needed time to myself. Lucky for me, the weather is unexpectedly cold and stormy and just perfect for a quiet weekend at home.

Here is my plan for the evening:

1. Soak my body in a steaming hot bubble bath and read a trashy book
2. Exfoliate my entire body (prep for fake tan tomorrow)
3. Wash my hair
4. Wax my hairy legs
5. Pluck eyebrows
6. Pore minimising face mask
7. Pedicure and polish with gorgeous new pale pink OPI nail polish (gift from mum)
8. Moisturise my entire body with delicious Victoria's Secret appletini body drink (gift from my brother's girlfriend)
9. Snuggle up in bed with a DVD of The Big Chill
10. Feel beautiful and relaxed

P.S. Yes, this post is meant to distract you from the post below. Thanks for the kind comments and for not telling me I am crazy to go on a liquid diet.

Again.

In March of this year I managed to fight my way down to my lowest weight in years. I dieted and exercised myself to about 96.7 kilos and I felt amazing. Since then I have steadily gained weight, even though I have made numerous unsuccessful attempts to lose weight. I could feel the weight that I had gained but I didn't realise how bad things were until recently.

Over the past few weeks my level of physical discomfort has become extreme, so much so that I constantly feel like I just want to rip my skin and fat off my body because it is making me feel claustrophobic. I feel so bloated that my legs feel like German sausages that would explode if you pricked them with a fork. I found myself feeling short of breath on a short walk and everyday tasks leave me exhausted. None of my clothes fit me and planning what to wear to work has become a tacticle exercise. On a recent flight I could barely get my seatbelt done up and the tray table would not sit comfortably flat. At my dad's house I was worried the old wooden chairs in the outdoor setting would break when I sat on them. I forgot how difficult life was like this.

Even worse then this has been the mind games. I can feel myself reverting back to the person I was when I was at my heaviest. I haven't felt like this in years and it is quite scary because it is bringing back a lot of painful memories and some dark thoughts. I have lost a lot of confidence and have started to try to avoid seeing friends or meeting new people. I am constantly worrying what people think of me and have it in my head that people must think I am stupid and useless because I am fat. Not only that, I am obsessing over food, always worrying about when I can next eat and then binge eating. I would eat left over cake for breakfast, a creamy pasta for lunch at work and then often a take away for dinner. I would keep eating when I wasn't hungry and not even taste the food.

I knew I had to do something to stop myself from falling into a black hole and decided that I had to go back on the Optifast shakes again. A few years ago, when I was at my heaviest, I tried Optifast and lost about 15 kilos. It was at a time in my life when I really needed a kick start and it changed my life. I started on them again on Monday and it is amazing how much better I feel already. My mind feels at peace finally. I can stop obsessing about food and what I am going to eat next. My body feels lighter and less bloated already. I actually feel like I have regained control of my body and life. I can only compare it to how an alcoholic who has given up drinking must feel. I know that this is probably not a solution to my problems, but right now it is the only thing getting me through the rest of this year.

I am so tired of this.

Ahhh, The Memories...

When I was a little girl I used to come down from the country and stay with my grandparents in Melbourne every school holidays. The highlight of this stay would be a trip to the the local shopping mall to see a movie and the chance to spend our birthday money in Toys R Us. Every visit to the mall would culminate with a much sought after treat at Donut King. I always got the pink girl shaped donut and I would savour every bite. I remember these visits very fondly, it wasn't just the donut, it was the excitement of being in the big city and the happy times spent with my grandparents. Over the years, all these happy memories have been wrapped up and encased in that pink girl donut.

Years later, when I moved to Melbourne, on my occasional visits to the shopping mall I would still finish my shopping trip off with a visit to Donut King. Even as an adult I would still go and buy my pink girl donut and always remember my time with my gran and pop and it still made me happy.

Since I moved out to the 'burbs, my local supermarket is positioned so that it is literally impossible to get through the door without walking past Donut King. Instinctively, every time I go to the supermarket I now buy a pink girl donut. Every time. I have taken fond memories and turned them into a bad habit. I realised the other day that I don't even like these donuts that much. This has to stop.

Stupid

I am officially a moron. I left for Wellington in New Zealand on Sunday and when I packed my stuff I was slightly hung over and some how left behind most of the clothes I intended to pack. I had put them aside in the 'things I have to iron before I pack them when I can be fucked' pile and I failed to iron or pack them. So this means I have 2 tops to wear for 5 days of work. I wore one of these tops on the plane and spilt food on it.

So I went on a desperate clothes search yesterday but I really couldn't find much. It is hard enough to find clothes in Melbourne when you are fat let alone in bloody Wellington. I went to Farmers and bought a dress that I don't totally hate and can't afford. So I guess I'll wash my other top and that gives me 3 days clothes and I will just rinse and repeat.

I have been struggling enough as it is lately to find clothes to wear to work so you would think I would be more careful. Clothes drama aside, Wellington is a really lovely city and I just wish I had more time to enjoy the sights. Next time...

Busy Times

Holy crap I have had a busy week. I made a pledge to not eat out during the month of November and I have had a bloody lunch meeting every day this week and no I didn't choose the healthy option. So I am kind of failing my challenge to eat at home, but at least I have only eaten out for work purposes which is something I can't avoid if I want to keep my job.

MONDAY
A 3 hour lunch meeting.

TUESDAY
Tuesday I went to the Melbourne Cup for work (yeah yeah, drinking champagne for work, tough life). It was an awesome day, the weather was beautiful and we had fun sitting on the grass drinking champers and eating our gourmet picnic hamper.

I did win some money, but I still haven't checked my ticket yet so I don't know how much. I had $5 each way on C'est La Guerre at 20-1 and it came third, so hopefully I'll get a few bucks.

Work even paid for me to stay in a gorgeous hotel in the city because I live out in the 'burbs. This turned out to be most advantageous in sleeping off a terrible hang over the next day before I stumbled in to work. I tried to tell people I had sunstroke, not sure if anyone believed me...

WEDNESDAY
A 3 hour lunch meeting, combined with a hang over- someone kill me.

THURSDAY
Another 3 hour lunch meeting.

FRIDAY
Flew to Sydney for the day to meet clients for lunch. Bloody exhausting and I hate flying.

TODAY
My high school best friend is coming down to stay and we are meeting another old friend for dinner and drinks.

SUNDAY
Going to Wellington (New Zealand) for work until Friday night. I suspect I'll be hung over again so that'll be a fun flight.


OK, I'll leave you with some photos of the Melbourne Cup. I had to be careful not to post any photos of anyone from work because I guess they'll crack the shits if they find it.



Me at home before I left.



Me getting ready at home- fake tan much?! Note to self, less is more when it comes to fake tan.



The crowd at Flemington race course.



The jockeys before the race.



The race that stops a nation... well what I could see of it...



Me at the end of the night- what a mess. In the battle of fake tan and sunburn, I think sunburn won!

Hawaii Photos

OK, get yourself a pina colda and strap yourself in for a long photo post!

My friend, AJ, and I took off for Hawaii on the 10th October to go to a friends wedding, but really it was just a good excuse for a beach holiday. We had the time of our lives and we truly indulged in every sense. I felt happy and relaxed from the tip of my toes to the ends of my hair.

I am not really a 'beach' person and that is probably because I feel uncomfortable going to the beach at my weight. I was surpised to find that I didn't feel uncomfortable the whole time I was there. There is such a chilled out vibe in Hawaii that you can't help but just relax and not care about anything. I was walking about the resort in my bathers without a care in the world.




We didn't sleep at all on the plane so when we were waiting for our connecting flight from Honolulu to Kauai I zonked out completely. I look terrible because I was so tired and had a cold and had a stomach bug for over a week, so I was pretty much drained. It took us three flights and about 24 hours to get from Melbourne to Kauai, but it was worth it.



When we got to the island of Kauai, we picked up our hire convertable and drove to Poipu to the gorgeous Sherton Resort. They gave us gorgeous fresh lei's and we were immediately ready to get into Hawaii mode.





Still having not slept for about 30 hours, that night we went to a wedding-eve luau where we got stuck into the Mai Tai's and a Hawaiian feast. I was so tired on this night that I thought I would wear extra bronzer to make me look more alert, instead I look like I need to wash the dirt off my face.



After the food and drink I fell asleep during the very looong show, but it apparently went something like this.



Me before the wedding (the humidity is responsible for my rosy cheeks and frizzy hair).



And my gorgeous date.



The guitarist for the beach at the wedding.



I am not sure if I should be posting pictures of people without their permission, but the bride just looked so beautiful that I had to post this.



At the wedding I did a lot of this...



And this...



And ended up like this at the end of the night...


Apparently the hotel staff were really concerned about me, but AJ reassured them that I do that pretty much every Saturday night so not to worry. Such an unflattering photo, but it certainly paints a picture!

It was one of the best weddings I have ever been to, it was so much fun. I have some pretty crazy photos, but because they involve people I don't really know I better not post them. It was definitely worth the trip and was an awesome night.

The next day I was (shockingly) relatively hang over free, so we got up and drove to the over side of the island to Princeville. We intended to go swimming, but the waves looked a little crazy so we kept away from the water. Turns out this was a good idea because 3 tourists died in separate incidents on these beaches on that day.









Later that night, back at the hotel, we enjoyed a beachside dinner and cocktails.


The next day we flew back to Honolulu and hired a Jeep and drove to the North Shore of the island. We were staying in the Turtle Bay Resort where they shot the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was a stunning resort and I think I could happily live there for the rest of my life.

We spent most of the next 7 days by the pool or the beach drinking cocktails and feasting on delicious foods. It was the happiest and most relaxing experience of my life and just what I needed after a stressful year. In no particular order, here are some pictures from our time on the North Shore of Oahu.


The view from my hotel room.



The beach at the hotel.



Margarita's and mexican food- heaven!



Some of the beautiful scenery on the island.



The Pineapple Express- just like the movie!



Us on the Pineapple Express, not quite as much fun as the movie... I think I look 9 months pregnant in this picture, I need to remember to sit up straight!



The worlds largest maze... I was in there for about 20 minutes and only found 1 of the 8 stamps I was meant to find. I decided I couldn't be fucked finding the rest so I left. Also, when you have a stomach bug, do not go in the worlds largest maze where you have no hope of finding a bathroom, it makes for some stressful times.



Good food and wine and good times



Oh my god, the chocolate in Hawaii is awesome. So many chocolate bars, so little time.



Relaxing by the pool with a trashy book.



The resort pool.



Normally I wouldn't eat shrimp (prawns) from a dirty truck on the side of the road, but I was assured that these were the best.



Looks messy, but they were pretty good!



The famous M. Matsumoto shave ice. So refreshing on a hot afternoon!



The gorgeous sea turtles. We were lucky enough to see lots of these beautiful creatures.



AJ with our Jeep.


We went into Waikiki once to go shopping and once to go out for dinner because it was only about an hour drive from the resort. It was a gorgeous place and there was such a great buzz in Waikiki but it was nice to get back to the chilled out vibe of the North Shore.


The beach at Waikiki




Playing on the beach at Waikiki



The shops at Waikiki.



I pretty much refused to drink anything unless it had an umbrella (and a shot of vodka).



The gorgeous Turtle Bay Resort.



Pretending to be a Sports Illustrated model...



Where I wish I was right now!



Another beautiful sunset.



Me eating Milk Duds at the airport at 4.00am and looking a treat.


A few more things...

* Kauai had more chickens running wild on the island then I have ever seen before. It is weird walking around a 5 star resort and seeing feral chickens everywhere.

* A guy stopped me in the street to tell me that I was the whitest person he has ever seen.

* Me and AJ had a taco eating competition in Taco Bell. That was a long drive back to the hotel...

* I became addicted to The Hills. I love American TV so much.

* I had a 3 hour delux pedicure and massage by the beach. This was the best experience of my life. Amazing.

* On the second day in Hawaii I decided to sunbake, even though my skin hasn't seen the sun for years. I even said "I don't need the 30 plus sunscreen, just give me the tanning oil". Those words came back to haunt me.

* I went shopping and got 3 pairs of bathers, 2 tops and a dress for $162- bargain!

* Sophie from Australian Idol was on our plane from Sydney to Melbourne. I love Sophie and was so sad to realise she must have been kicked off if she was on our plane. :-(