Thursday, November 20, 2008


In March of this year I managed to fight my way down to my lowest weight in years. I dieted and exercised myself to about 96.7 kilos and I felt amazing. Since then I have steadily gained weight, even though I have made numerous unsuccessful attempts to lose weight. I could feel the weight that I had gained but I didn't realise how bad things were until recently.

Over the past few weeks my level of physical discomfort has become extreme, so much so that I constantly feel like I just want to rip my skin and fat off my body because it is making me feel claustrophobic. I feel so bloated that my legs feel like German sausages that would explode if you pricked them with a fork. I found myself feeling short of breath on a short walk and everyday tasks leave me exhausted. None of my clothes fit me and planning what to wear to work has become a tacticle exercise. On a recent flight I could barely get my seatbelt done up and the tray table would not sit comfortably flat. At my dad's house I was worried the old wooden chairs in the outdoor setting would break when I sat on them. I forgot how difficult life was like this.

Even worse then this has been the mind games. I can feel myself reverting back to the person I was when I was at my heaviest. I haven't felt like this in years and it is quite scary because it is bringing back a lot of painful memories and some dark thoughts. I have lost a lot of confidence and have started to try to avoid seeing friends or meeting new people. I am constantly worrying what people think of me and have it in my head that people must think I am stupid and useless because I am fat. Not only that, I am obsessing over food, always worrying about when I can next eat and then binge eating. I would eat left over cake for breakfast, a creamy pasta for lunch at work and then often a take away for dinner. I would keep eating when I wasn't hungry and not even taste the food.

I knew I had to do something to stop myself from falling into a black hole and decided that I had to go back on the Optifast shakes again. A few years ago, when I was at my heaviest, I tried Optifast and lost about 15 kilos. It was at a time in my life when I really needed a kick start and it changed my life. I started on them again on Monday and it is amazing how much better I feel already. My mind feels at peace finally. I can stop obsessing about food and what I am going to eat next. My body feels lighter and less bloated already. I actually feel like I have regained control of my body and life. I can only compare it to how an alcoholic who has given up drinking must feel. I know that this is probably not a solution to my problems, but right now it is the only thing getting me through the rest of this year.

I am so tired of this.


  1. I understand where you're coming from, believe me. I too am working on getting rid of regain. I'm glad you've foun something that works for you,a dn more importantly something that makes you feel better

  2. i'm sorry that you are feeling bad. i have sought professional help for my issues with food and weight, would you consider it? you might have find some success with a good counsellor to support your efforts? i hope the optifast works well. xxx

  3. I know how hard is all this. I think maybe you could consider some extra help like counselling or something like Bach Flowers...In Australia you got Bush Flowers, they are essences made of flowers that help to balance your emotions so they can help with all these bad feelings and you know that when you feel good dieting is much more easy. Claudia

  4. I have been trying to do Optifast too, but those shakes almost make me sick! I'm not sure what else to try... maybe Celebrity Slim again, their shakes were not as nasty to drink.

  5. Good feeling to get the control back. I wrote a list a while back about all things I hated about being bigger, it seemed to get me back into control.

  6. What Kitty and Claudia have said are bang on. I think this is much more than a physical problem; and if anything, the physical symptoms might be clouding the emotional underbelly. Optifast may help with the physical symptoms, but the root cause is there, and it certainly sounds as if you could use some help in that area.

    Big hugs, girl.

  7. Glad you are making some progress. You should be proud of yourself for taking control.

  8. Reading the first half of this post made me feel really, really upset for you. Although I don't "know" you, you come across as such a wonderful, fun and intelligent girl and you have so much to offer and I hate that you are "fading into the shadows" simply because of the number that appears on the tags of your clothes. Yes I agree with Kitty that maybe a counsellor would really help you out because, although losing some weight would make you feel a little better, you really need to try and tackle those demons in your head and learn how to accept yourself as a wonderful person, at any size. Easier said than done I know!!

    Now, as for the optifast....I think that anything that can have a positive impact on your self esteem is a good thing! "Weight" is such a mental battle more than anything else. If I know I have eaten badly but I still weigh the same, I see an elephant in the mirror....but if I have eaten well and exercised (and I am still the same weight) I see someone much smaller looking back at me.

    Please try to stay positive and know that there are so many people here that are right behind you all the way!

  9. Ah Tully. Like miss pinky said, I don't really "know" you either, but I too felt sad reading your post. Feeling stupid & useless is bad news. Have you considered counselling like some of the others suggested? It is hard enough to loose weight at the best of times, but damn near impossible when you are feeling so down. Am glad the shakes are helping in the short term (((hugs)))

  10. I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this.

    Do what you need to do to get yourself in a much happier place and if Optifast is your plan, so be it. Good luck Tully :)

  11. Sending you big hugs and I hope you feel better soon. Like the other commenters I recommend you see a professional and get some real support. When we are in this pattern it is so hard to see things as they really are.

    Talking about things is a massive relief and I know what you mean about the Optifast stops the constant obsessing about food. It is exhausting doing this to ourselves.

    While we all think you are wonderful and inspiring and beautiful it is YOU that needs to think it too.

  12. Oh tully- I know the feeling of claustrophobia being overweight can give. I know at my worst I felt trapped and like I had been wrapped in a big fat body that wasnt mine.

    I am so happy to hear that you feel more at peace, and wish you luck with your brand new start!

  13. Oh sweetie ***HUGS*** You should be so proud of yourself for writing this post, because it means you're no longer hiding away. You are a beautiful, funny, intelligent, sweet, good-natured and fun girl who I am very much enjoying getting to know. And YOU CAN DO THIS darl... you just have to force yourself to be strong for a few weeks, and then you'll remember just how good it feels to be kind to yourself.

    Sending huge hugs your way. Thinking of you!


  14. I hope you're getting the kick start you need with Optifast. Whatever works to get you going on the path to feeling better again.

    Thank you for being so open. Your post is an acurate representation of me a few months ago. I tend to forget how horrible some things were.

    I hope they are soon just a memory for you, too. The sooner, the better.

    Good luck and take care.

  15. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. *hugs from the other side of the world*
    I'm kind of feeling the same. I'm always reverting to my ways, even after doing great.
    It's true what the others said, it's a mental thing, that we have to address.
    Optifast will help you take the "figuring out what to do" part away, but at the same time there is always some work to do on figuring out why something so simple for others: eating, is so complicated for us!
    Good luck girl!

  16. And I agree that you should be proud of writing this post.
    First you have to get it out in the open, in order to tackle the issue.
    *second round of hugs*

  17. Been there done that! That's how we get so big in the first place - it's our unhealthy attitude towards food and eating but I truly believe that acknowledging the problem is the first thing to working your way through it - small steps are needed but you'll get there!


Awww thanks so much for the comment!