I decided a while ago to steer clear from the scales until the new year because I was tired of them screwing with my head. When I started back on my optifast shake diet I decided that it might be time to come back to the scales because anyone who has been on a shake diet knows you need the scales as motivation.
I expected to see a pretty bad number, but nothing could have prepared me for just how bad it was. OK, I am just going to say it, I was 120.9 kilos. Keep in mind that in March this year I was 96.7 kilos so that is a gain of over 24 kilos in 7 and a half months. I know, how bad is that?! I didn't even think it was humanly possible to gain that much weight in such a short period of time. Maybe I should commission myself to actors that need to gain weight quickly for a movie role?
I was beyond shocked and if I was the crying type I would have burst into tears. The first thing that came to my mind was "How could you have gone out with your old friends from high school last weekend, they must have thought you looked revolting. They were probably ashamed to be seen with you". See how the scales screw with me!
So superficial embarrassment aside, I was deeply disappointed that I let myself get back to such a high weight. I did not ever think I would see a number above 110 kilos again and god forbid that I actual saw 120 kilos again. It has been years since I have been that weight and I thought I left it well and truly behind me. Every time I step on the scales I half expect it to go back to about 105 kilos and for the whole thing to be one big mistake. I have moved the scale onto other surfaces and stripped down to be bare naked, but it doesn't change. This morning I even held my hands up to check I wasn't 'accidentally' holding a 10 kilo weight.
Anyway, There is no point dwelling on the situation, I just need to move forward and learn from my mistakes. This weight does not feel like who I am anymore and I am determined to get it off.
it's a number. you are more than a number. you are a kewl chicka and i think you will achieve a big loss, when you are ready.
ReplyDeletebtw - if you WERE a number, do you know what number you would be, sweatpea??
you'd be #1.
*grins*
You stood on the scales for motivation, use the number only for what it is, a number, not another tool to beat yourself up with.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful, believe in yourself.
oh Tully I can totally understand how you must have felt as I only recently (August) got back on the scale to face the truth and was hit with the fact my weight was 128.8, when last Christmas I had been around the 116kg.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately there is nothing anyone can do about it exact make a promise to one's self to never buy our head in the sand again I know I can gain weight quickly, therefore I NEED to weigh at least monthly to check that I am not gaining. (when not trying to lose).
I first returned to optifast for six weeks, then started ww on the 1st October and am down to 106.5kg so you can turn the trend around again and get that scale going in the other direction too.
I know that "Oh-my-god-what-the" feeling all too well, but, it's actually a good thing. I think we only avoid the scales when we secretly know that they're not going to show us something we like...
ReplyDeleteBy hopping on those scales you now have a starting point - you can celebrate your losses and know that you're heading in the right direction.
Try not to think of the number itself, just count what you lose so you see those great numbers to be proud of instead of the scary one you despise.
Can't wait to see you :)
Wow reading your blog feels like I am reading about myself...
ReplyDeleteAlthough you had that initial shock, that last paragraph sounds like you're handling it really well, and that's something to be confident in :)
ReplyDeleteYou've done it before, and you can do it again :)
Aww Tully, that sucks. You've got a lot of work to do ahead of you. But you have done it before and you can do it again.
ReplyDeleteI have faith in you. You just need to have faith in you too.
As you said, no need to dwell on this, just pick yourself up, dust off your shoulders ;-) and get going!!
ReplyDeleteCheers
Oh sweetie... *big hugs* I know that feeling all too well, too. I remember when I got on the scales last year and found out that I weighed 137.1kg, when just months earlier I'd been around 120... it's so heartbreaking and soul destroying :(
ReplyDeleteBut as the others have said, you are so much more than just a number. I really wish you could see yourself how others see you, because you really are SO pretty and just radiate warmth and generosity and loveliness. And honestly, I didn't even notice when I saw you the other week that you looked bigger. You looked lovely as ever! So chances are nobody else is thinking you look bigger, either! Sometimes we are much more critical of ourselves than other people are.
At least now you have a starting point, and you'll have a true indication of how much weight you'll lose in the coming weeks. Would it help if you try to pinpoint exactly why you gained weight over the last couple of months in particular, so that you can learn from it? Was it the fact that you travelled so much, were you feeling tired, were you feeling down, was work particularly awful?
You are a beautiful girl and everyone here believes in you :)
xoxoxo
Tully-
ReplyDeleteGuess what? We weigh the same! And you know what else in 6 months there is going to be a whole lot less of us!
Just know that there is someone on this side of the ocean that is walking step by step with you!!!!
Hugs!
Like Kitty said its just a number and that number does not define who you are, which is a really awesome chick.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about it babe, whats done is done.
ReplyDeleteYep, it sure sucks when once receives a cold hard slap in the face like that, but you are too strong to let that get the better of you!
You've faced the number now it's time to move on! Use that number (and the way you feel about it) as your motivation to succeed - you've done it once you can do it again!
ReplyDeleteI know this is posted a bit late, but I know exactly how you feel! 2 years ago I was 88kg, after losing 30kg and now I am 116kg, due to a combination of stree and work. But hey, if we can lose it once we can lose it again!
ReplyDelete