Monday, January 19, 2009

Down and Out

I am only going to say this once, I am not going to go on and on about it, but it needs to be said. I am not doing too well at the moment. Over the past couple of months I have been quite down. I thought I'd perk up soon enough, but it just isn't happening.

I don't know if I am depressed. I am scared of the word 'depressed' and have tended to down play my feelings to being 'a bit flat' or 'a bit down' or 'just tired'. My mum and brother suffer from bipolar and have had quite horrific experiences of depression, so I have done everything I can to disassociate myself from it. I have spent my life trying to be happy and cheerful to try and balance the tension in our household so I have become very good at hiding my feelings, even from myself.

The weird thing about how I feel is that there doesn't seem to be any direct relation to my weight. Don't get me wrong, I am sure it is a contributing factor, but it doesn't feel like it is the root of my problems. In fact, I don't even really care about food at the moment, it doesn't seem to register as highly important to me in whether I eat a lot or a little.

I am trying to feel better. I am feeding my body good foods and going for relaxing evening walks. It is like that saying, fake it until you make it. I know I'll get back to feeling like myself soon, it just takes time.


  1. Big hugs, Tully - if you need me, you know where to get in touch. I'm always here and willing to listen to you.

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  3. ((((Tully))))
    If you have been feeling this way for a little while now it may be time to reach out.
    Your gp would be a good starting point, probably more so because you have a family history of bi-polar.

    A couple of years back I got to the point of having to go to my gp. I was scared and embarrassed at having to admit I felt so crappy that I needed help. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
    I didn't end up on any anti-depressants (although I'm not adverse to them) but started sessions with a psychologist instead.

    Amazing what you learn about yourself!

    I had a wacky year last year and many of my old ways of thinking crept back in and I got quite down. The things I learnt during the sessions have helped turn it all around again, I just have to keep at it. I just can't recommend it enough, it really helped in so many ways.

    I hope that you will feel better soon but if not don't feel embarrassed or shy or bad or whatever about asking for help, it will be one of the kindest things you have ever done for yourself.

    Claire x

  4. Like the other poster, I encourage you to see your doctor. You'll feel better addressing the problem rather than trying to hide from it. Wishing you all the best.

  5. ((cuddles)) Go see someone about this Tully .... Depression is not something you should mess with ... If you need an ear, I am happy to listen!! xoxo

  6. Depression definitely can have something to do with the's what made me gain all my weight back! It's not that I ATE a lot more...but I just had no energy because it was zapped by depression. Therefore I didn't move as much. What used to be a brisk walk became a quiet stroll, for example. I agree with the other with the depression in whatever way you have to. Don't ignore it. And know that you're not alone. :)

  7. Oh Tully... First of all, I'm really proud of you for posting about this. It's not easy to put yourself out there the way you did, and even though it might seem like it, that's a brave thing you did.

    Secondly, I echo what everyone else has said about reaching out to someone who might be able to help you -- a doctor, a trusted friend or mentor. It's scary, but take it one small step at a time.

  8. Hey Tully
    I have been going through the same kind of stuff, and I feel like trying to cope on your awn can only work so long. Maybe you could try to see someone about it? I have just started seeing a psy about this and I don't know how much it will help but I feel like when you don't feel good you should not have to endure it on your own.
    Good luck!

  9. You are definitely in my thoughts. Perhaps there is someone you can talk to about this. Thanks for telling us. I am sending positive thoughts your way!

  10. Hey chick.

    From somebody that battles constantly with the evil D word I encourage you to speak to your GP too.

    The biggest thing to know is that it is not a state of mind. It is a physical disability. So many people do not realise this fact.

    Here is an analogy that my counsellor gave me:

    When you don't have depression your brain transmits all the seritonin at a normal rate ie a little boat leaves the serotonin factory every half hour with a dose for the rest of the body.

    When you have depression those boats only leave sporadically and maybe only once a week. Antidepressants are no longer like Happy Pills. They are actually little boats that take the serotonin around for you. But they also encourage your brain to start the boats coming regularly again. If you are on the wrong type or wrong dose the boats will be coming but maybe only once every two or so hours. Still not optimal. when you get on the right anti depressant the boats will come every half hour again and soon, your brain will do it on it's own and the anti depressants are no longer needed.

    IT IS NOT A STATE OF MIND!! It is physical. You can't choose to snap out of it.

    If you are down and have been for a while and there is no reasoning for it (and especially if there are genetic factors) then you need to address it.

    I have done Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Anti Depressants and Counselling. They are all worth it. And I am of the natural approach but I have seen how close this disease has come to taking my life - I don't wish that on anyone.

    I will support you all the way.

    And I cried my arse off the first time I went to my GP and he said not to feel bad about it, and then admitted he has it too!!! He also has social phobia (which I have) and said whenever there was a lull in patients at the clinic he was sure it was because no one liked him anymore - not just the fact that it wasn't cold or flu season!!

  11. Don't be scared of depression and don't be scared to seek help.

    Best of luck to you. We're here for you as well.

  12. Hi beautiful,

    Seven years ago I was feeling a lot like you... down and flat and anxious but really not wanting to use the word 'depression'. My mum dragged me to a GP and I finally admitted that there was something not quite right, and it was amazing how all the bad feelings I'd had for my entire life suddenly made sense. Within three days of taking antidepressants I felt so much better.

    Please talk to someone, sweetheart. It probably feels like you're failing your family by admitting you're not feeling so good, since you've spent so long trying to be the happy one, but as others have said it's a physical problem, and nothing to be ashamed of. And there are ways to fix it! Nobody deserves to have to deal with untreated depression, least of all someone as lovely as you :(

    Take care sweetie

  13. Hey, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I don't know if this will help, but I seem to get "down" and very low energy in Dec/Jan/Feb every year. I think I have a touch of seasonal affective disorder. Have you considered that? I find that taking vitamin D and getting as much sunlight as possible, along with using a full spectrum lamp, alleviates a LOT of the problem. I blogged about it last week if you're interested. But I just wanted to mention it in case it might help you.

    Hope you get to feeling better very soon.

  14. Not sure if I've commented before, but I've been reading for a while. Sorry to hear you're so down. I can only echo what everyone else has said. If you feel comfortable talking to your GP, that would be a great thing to do. Together you can work on a plan to help you move forward which may involve a whole range of things.

  15. I hope it helped to let it out in this way. Hope too that you find the help you need whether it be a counsellor, a gp or just a wise friend.

    It may be a good thing to have realised it's nothing to do with your weight or food. I know I buried my problems in food and blamed my weight for many of them for so long, it was an important lesson to allow myself to have low days and realise it wasn't down to the fat.

    It's also very normal for your issues to surface at a point when you've started changing your life and dealing with them. I know I go through bumps where everything intensifies almost as if it's fighting back against my efforts to get control again.


  16. Your family history is why you shouldn't ignore this. Your mum's and brother's experiences will not necessarily be yours. I speak from my own experience.

    Please remember there's a line between fake it 'til you make it and denial. Denial of a problem will not help you overcome it.

    Take care. I hope you're feeling better soon.

  17. Hey Tully - please talk to a professional, either your GP, another GP or a psychologist.

    If you don't feel like you were understood by the first person you speak to - find someone else. Some are better than others.

  18. i am sure that if u r working towards those goals then things will get better sweetie.

  19. There isn't much more that I can add here, Tully, except that I have been there too.

    Get help asap, I let mine go and spent almost two years inside of my own prison! Happy on the outside....

    Good luck to you and love your blog!!

  20. Tully, speaking from my recent experience with post natal depression PLEASE contact take steps to working through what you're feeling.

    Whether that be by contacting a doctor, counsellor etc or simply to start writing an open and honest account of what you're feeling when you're feeling it - it's surprising how therapeutic that can be.

    Even if you suspect it's a possibility, depression isn't something to be ignored. Hope that things are moving in a more positive direction for you soon.

  21. Thank you so much for being brave and strong and sharing. As you can see, there is nothing short of OODLES and OODLES of support, hugs, sympathetic tears, and laughter to lift you up and carry you through whatever comes next.

    I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

  22. I can't add much as it's already been said. But as a friendly reminder, don't forget that you ROCK!

  23. Long-time reader, first-time commenter: I'm with FLG. I'd just like to add that, from my own experience, going to a counselor/psychologist--even if you don't want to, even if you're afraid to, even if you're not sure you need to--can be the greatest help.

    I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder four years ago, and though I'm not seeing a psychologist now, mine have helped me immensely over the years. I am now in a place where I know I have the mental and emotional rationality and strength to be a fully functional human being, and I owe a lot of it to the good doctors and counselors.

    Take care of yourself.


Awww thanks so much for the comment!