Oh The Humidity

Do you know where you really wouldn't want to go when you have gained a stack of weight and feel repulsively fat? Darwin. Guess where I am?

Just as Melbourne is enjoying those beautiful crisp and sunny Autumn days with the delicious cool nights, I am in the hottest and most humid place in Australia. Lucky for me they seem to know how to do air conditioning pretty well here.

So I am here for work until Wednesday, then I am staying for a a mini holiday until Sunday. It is my friend's birthday and I had some Qantas vouchers I had to use, so I am flying him up for a few days and we are staying at a gorgeous resort. As you can see, I have spent my economic stimulus package before I have received it... Someone has to stimulate the poolside cocktail economy!

I am not sure I made the right decision to holiday here, given my aversion to the heat and crocodiles, but it seemed an exotic idea at the time. I'll be sure to post photos.

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Melbourne to Darwin, that was a long flight for someone who can barely do up the seat belt on the plane...

Hot N Cold

I have had that Katy Perry song, Hot N Cold, stuck in my head all week because I heard it the other day and it reminded me of my behaviour at the moment. I just looked up the lyrics and realised that it is a song about a break up, so probably not really relevant to my weight problems, but it has been a catchy anthem for me nonetheless.

In pains me to have to have to write that I still can't get my shit together. One day I am doing great and then the next I back to eating uncontrollably. I had a great day yesterday and even had dinner ready in the fridge for me to heat up, but I was thwarted by the mailbox and a pesky pizza menu. When I check the mail after work at about 6.30 pm, I am starving and can't think clearly and seeing a picture of that cheesey pizza was just too much for me. It would have been quicker to heat up my left over casserole, but instead I ordered a pizza and waited the 30 minutes before it was delivered and then ate almost a whole pizza.

I have put myself in a bad position at the moment and food seems to be the only thing that is bringing me any joy. I am unhappy at work and at home and so when I get frustrated and upset I tell myself that I should be able to have some happiness and that ice cream will bring me that happiness. Of course I feel like crap afterwards and even worse when more and more of my clothes stop fitting me, but I keep doing this.

Some of the solution lies in me sorting out my work and personal problems, which I am doing, but I also need to stop turning to food for comfort. Hmmm, easier said than done...

First Step

Over the last few weeks I have been slowly reaching rock bottom.

I woke up Sunday morning and decided that today was the day. I am not waiting until Monday. I am not going to finish off that pile of Chinese take away in the fridge or the full tub of chocolate brownie ice cream in the freezer. I am doing this today.

So I got up and went into the city and went for a walk around the Tan at the Botanic gardens (3.8 km). I needed to get away from this depressing suburb I live in and go for a walk somewhere that is healing to my soul, as well as my body. It nearly killed me because I have let my fitness levels get so pathetic, but I just kept telling myself that one day I will be one of those girls jogging around the track and this day will seem like a distant memory.

The walk really gave me the opportunity to put things in perspective and think about the things I want out of life and what I can do to get them. I know that everything I want is within my reach and if I want it, I can have it.

Time For Change

Up until the last few years I would hide from life. I would let my weight get in the way of the things I wanted to do. I wouldn't go on school camp, attend parties, go to balls, go on holidays with friends or apply for jobs I wanted. You name it, I hid from it. Over the last few years I stopped letting my weight get in the way of living my life. I went back to uni, worked in professional jobs, travelled across the world and didn't ever say no to an opportunity to spend time with friends and family.

So why has this changed? I just don't understand why I let myself get back to this place of self loathing and unhappiness. It is 6.30pm on Saturday night and I am in bed feeling sorry for myself because everyone I know is having an awesome time at the Sound Relief concert and I'm not. My brother has been texting me every time one of my favourite songs is playing and then he just called me when Crowded House were singing Better Be Home Soon and his words were "Why the hell didn't you come you clown?!".

Why indeed... I was offered tickets and I said no, not because I didn't really want to go, but because I was scared. I have started to feel paranoid when I am in public lately and just not comfortable, so being at the MCG with 80,000 other people would have been too much for me. The other issue was that the concert goes for 10 hours and the tickets I was offered were in standing room. Let's face it, at my weight, I can't stand up for 10 hours straight.

I am upset that I am missing the concert, but it is mostly that I have let myself get back to this place where I let my weight rule my life. I am working on changing this, trust me, I am doing the best I can right now.

Last Week

SITUATION ONE

I am catching a flight to Sydney with my colleague (tall, blond, skinny, gorgeous) and I have a really bad feeling the seat belt on the plane won't fit me. So I spend all morning worrying and trying to come up with a reason why we should go to the airport separately (so I can check in before her and change my seat). We go to the electronic check-in counter and I very quickly and discretely change my seat, though she does mention that it is weird that we are seated apart and I think she thinks I changed my seat because I don't want to sit with her. So I sit on the plane and only just fit my arse in the seat and only just get the seat belt done up and pretty much hold my breath the entire time in order to take up less room. I can't get the dinner tray down and I can't plug my head phones in because my body is in the way, so I just stare straight ahead for the duration of the flight and hate myself.

SITUATION TWO



I go out with friends for dinner and then drinks at a trendy bar in the city. I notice with a sickening feeling that the chairs were extremely flimsy and probably couldn't take my weight (similar to above). So I perch on the edge and try to carry all my weight in my legs so as not to break the chair. The happy buzz from the bottle of wine that I shared with friends in the restaurant earlier completely disappears and I am literally sweating from fear that the chair will break and the pain of holding myself up. After an hour I make up an elaborate excuse to grab another chair that looks more solid from another table, though I don't think anyone notices because none of my friends are the kind of people who would ever consider that I am so fat that I could break a chair. I try to enjoy the rest of the night, but I am so angry with myself and embarrassed at what might have been that I just want to go home. The next day I can barely walk from the pain of tensing my legs and arse muscles and holding my weight all night.

Exhausted

The first part of my big work event seemed to go well. Of course, after it was over I kept thinking about all the things I could have done better, but overall I was happy that there were no disasters. The first part of the event was in Sydney and my boss and her boss came over from the UK for it. I got to spend 2 nights in a fabulous 5 star hotel on the water, but unfortunately I didn't get to take advantage of the gorgeous room or the location very much because I was too busy working.

Friday night, my boss and her boss and I took a water taxi across Sydney Harbour, past the Opera House and the Bridge, that dropped us off at the steps of an exclusive restaurant. I had the most decadent meal I have had in my life, I love food and wine, but I had no idea it could be this wonderful. I was drinking $46 a glass cognac and I may have got a little drunk. At the end of the night we drank cocktails in the hotel 'Drawing Room' and I was so drunk that I tipped a whole (red) cosmo on my (white) top and then I fell asleep/passed out. Yes, in front of my boss and the company director. All class as usual... No one cared though because they had strongly encouraged me to drink up, as the culture publishing can be.

I must have ordered breakfast when I was drunk because the next day I woke up to a waiter bringing in to me the biggest fry up ever. Interesting how much bacon I feel it is necessary to order when I am drunk... I had a free day to myself Saturday, but I was so hung over I couldn't handle being out and about, I tried to head down by the water for a walk, but when I saw a movie theatre I decided to slink in to a nice dark and cool movie to relax.

Now I have to do it all again in Melbourne on Monday so I am relaxing in front of some pay TV with a pizza on the way and trying to get some energy back. It is going to be a huge week next week with the second part of my work event, 2 of the 3 girls who report into me have quit, a colleague moving from our South African office to my office and I am due to hear about my long awaited pay rise and bonus. At least work will be interesting this week!