Smell The Roses

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognise how good things really are.

~ Marianne Williamson ~


saturday

a road trip back home to the country
my mum's home made chocolate chip cookies
talking with my brothers in canada
geelong winning the grand final
a bonfire with family & friends
champagne
late night maccas

sunday

getting upgraded to business class for my flight
arriving in sunny cairns from cold melbourne
catching up with old colleagues at a conference
swimming in the pool of my 5 star resort
room service fish & chips
snuggling in my king size bed with a movie

monday

getting an unexpected pay rise and promotion at work
reading in the sun
delicious dinner and wine by the water
a stroll along the marina
live music by the delightful emma louise
vodka, cranberry & lime
a balmy spring evening
caramel mudcake ice cream cone


What a wonderful life! I only wished I realized it sooner!

~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette ~

Lap Band- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (& The Awesome)

THE GOOD
- I no longer binge eat
- I am less dependent on food
- I now choose quality foods over quantity
- Feeling full after eating a quarter of what I used to
- Wanting to chow down on a big burger but not being able to

THE BAD
- The length of time before I had any restriction (will power is not my strong suit)
- Realising this is harder than I thought it was going to be
- Being worried I am going to get food stuck in public
- Hiding the surgery from most friends/family/colleagues
- Wanting to chow down on a big burger but not being able to

THE UGLY
- Getting food stuck in the band (scary)
- Gas shoulder pain after surgery
- Pre and Post surgery diet
- Constipation
- Hair loss

THE AWESOME
- I have lost over 20 kilos!!!

Home Alone

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that my mum moved in with me last Decemeber. Yep, that's right, I'm 28 years old and my mum moved in with me. She is quite a character, definitely not your average mum, and our personalities clash a little bit. Not only that, but she doesn't work, so she was home ALL THE TIME.

Anyway, it was a sometimes challenging situation, but I am glad I could help her out when she needed somewhere to stay. The thing that kept me sane was remembering what a friend of a friend said when we were discussing the fact my mum was about to move in with me. She wasn't aware that my mum has bipolar and can't work and said "why on earth would your mum want to move in with you, wouldn't she want to have her own place and some security at her age?". It made me realise that this was much harder for my mum than it is for me.

So she has got a new place with a friend in Shepparton and on the weekend AJ and I packed her stuff into a truck and took it to her new place. I thought I would be happy to have my house back, but I kind of feel like my kid has moved away to go to college. I am all worried and nervous for her that she is on her own again and my house feels very lonely without her here.

Looking on the bright side, I am enjoying being able to walk around naked at home again!

Progress Pictures

Well, it was about time I took some more snaps to see if I am making much head way in this battle of the bulge.

To protect your eyes I have kept the photos small, double click on the image below for a bigger view, if you dare... Apologies in advance.



Left: Tuesday 14th April, 129.7 kilos
Right: Thursday 17th September, 107.1 kilos

Wow, I can't believe how horrible I look in those photos. How did I let myself get like that? It really goes to show how far I still have to go too. Here's to getting rid of the next 20 kilos and never going back!

Oh, and I promise next time I post some pictures I'll put on a little make-up and do my hair, I'm not doing myself any favours with that look.

Working 9 To 5

You know that feeling of dread that comes over you about 5.00 pm on a Sunday when you realise the weekend is over and you have another week at a soul sucking job? Well that feeling has been creeping up earlier and earlier lately, seemingly in direct relation to how much I don't want to go to work. A few weeks ago I woke up on Saturday morning and felt instantly depressed that it was 8.00 am and I hadn't done anything exciting with my weekend yet and that it was practically over and the count down to the next weekend would begin. A little extreme perhaps?!

I knew I hated my job the first day I started and one clue to this is that I started buying lotto tickets for the first time in my life. I know I'll probably never win, but I just need the hope. I was talking with friends the other day about how much money you would have to win before you would quit your job. Most people said 1 or 2 million dollars, I said $5000 and I would be out the door.

The thing is, it isn't just this particular job I hate, I just don't like working 9-5. I find it majorly depressing that I spend at the very least 8 hours a day at work, 2 hours a day travelling to and from work and an hour getting ready for work. Why does my life revolve around something I don't care about? Why do I put all my energy and creativity into a job that doesn't give a shit about me? Why do I sit in traffic for 2 hours a day like a fucking idiot? Why do I work just to pay bills? Why do I have to get up when I still want to sleep? Why do I have to take crap from rude clients and moronic colleagues?

I am not sure I want to participate in this cycle that everyone seems to think we have to do. Go to uni, get a job, buy a house, live happily ever after. It is making me feel claustrophobic.

I need more.

When did I start going to bed at 10.00 pm? When did I stop going to protest rallies? When did I start using wanky phrases like 'moving forwards'? When did I start voting Labour? When did I wake up and realise I had nothing in my life except work? I know this is probably just a quarter life crisis, which just makes me even more average.

I still want to be rich and famous!

The Band So Far

I did a lot of reading and thinking about getting the lap band before before I went ahead with it. I thought I knew everything there was to know and what to expect, but it has still surprised me.

I don't really have the restriction I thought I would get from the band. I do follow my doc's instructions and eat only 2 small meals a day, but it doesn't keep me as satisfied as I thought it would. I don't ever get half way through dinner and then stop because I am so full. I guess I must still need more restriction put in the band, but at the same time, I don't want it to get too tight so that I have trouble swallowing certain foods. My biggest nightmare is that I would have to run out on a work lunch because I got some chicken caught in my band, so I am happy to take it slow.

The biggest way I can say that the lap band has helped me is that it has stopped my binge eating. I can still eat more than I should, but I generally don't because it is just too difficult. As soon as I think about ordering a pizza or buying a burger, I know there is no point because I'll have to take very small bites and eat it very slowly. It kind of takes the joy out of biting into a big juicy burger with the lot.

I can't lie and pretend that it doesn't make me sad that I can't kick back with a DVD while I mindlessly shove an Aussie pizza down my throat. I know it sounds gross, but I enjoy having the occasional pig out at home alone in my pj's. I could still eat an Aussie pizza, but it would take so long to eat that I just couldn't be bothered. I know it is probably for the best, but I do mourn my greasy food binges.

So while for the majority of the time I still have to watch every calorie I eat, use good old fashioned willpower and work my arse off at the gym, when it come to binging, the lap band has been my saviour.

More Humiliation

Yesterday I thought I would get up early and go for a walk around Albert Park Lake and then head to the South Melbourne Market to stock up on fruit and veg for the week. What better way to start the weekend? I was walking for less than 5 minutes when I tripped on a tree root and went flying onto the ground with all my weight landing on my sore knee. *pause for laughter*

I brushed myself off and kept walking as though nothing had happened (trying to be cool), but the next 10 minutes were a blur of self-hating thoughts. I cursed myself for thinking I could be the kind of person who can join all those fit and gorgeous people jogging around the lake. I was wondering what right a 110 kilo fatty like me had to be there with these skinny girls jogging in lycra tops and shorty shorts. I didn't feel any pain in my knee at all because I just felt like such a big fat oaf.

In the hour it took me to walk the 4.8 km around the lake I got my shit together and stopped feeling sorry for myself. Everyone looks silly when they fall over and who doesn't love a good fall? It's hilarious! Clearly I need to stop taking my fat so seriously and learn to laugh at myself more. I'll probably be giggling for the next week over this one!

Spring Fever

Is there anything more invigorating then when after a long and cold winter, the sun starts shining again? I don't really like the heat, but even I feel inspired by the onset of Spring. I'll probably want to shoot myself by January when the inevitable heat wave sets in, but right now it is lovely.

Today I went for a walk outside during my lunch break, not for exercise, but for the pure pleasure of getting fresh air and sunshine. I'm not sure if I have ever done that before. It felt weird to do something that involves exercise for enjoyment and because I genuinely want to, not feel I should.

Who knows, maybe I would like summer a whole heap more if I wasn't so fat. If I wasn't dealing with the chaffing and I could wear cute summer dresses. Maybe it wouldn't be all that bad?

Do you know that I have never had a 'skinny' summer? By skinny, I mean that I was under 100 kilos. All my best weight loss attempts seem to happen in winter and then I crash and burn in the summer. This year I want things to be different, I need things to be different. So I am going to be under 100 kilos by summer and I am going to stay under 100 kilos for the entire duration of summer. This means I can't starve myself to get there and then binge eat once I meet my goal. Been there, done that before!

***Mark my words, by December 1st I will be under 100 kilos***
That gives me about 3 months to lose 10 kilos- completely doable.

September Weigh In

I had my monthly weigh in this morning and I am now 109.8 kilos, which means I lost 4.7 kilos last month. Sounds good when you put it like that, so why was I disappointed?

I haven't been weighing myself at home, but when I see my doctor at the clinic they always weigh me, so I had an inkling of how things were going. Two weeks ago I was weighed at the clinic and I was actually 200 grams less than this morning- and the scales at the clinic weigh heavier than mine and I had a full stomach. So I was kind of hoping for a good number this morning and wasn't expecting to gain since that weigh in at the clinic.

I know there are about a million reasons for a gain, maybe it was because I have been working out so much, maybe I was bloated, maybe I am not eating enough... blah blah blah. Oh well, it sucks, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing because I know I am doing the very best I can. Plus, let's face it, 4.7 kilos is an awesome loss in a month and I can't really be disappointed with that.

I'll still keep away from the scales this month, mostly because I am still not interested in seeing any of the numbers the scale has to offer right now. I have seen the same numbers go up and down for the past 10 years and I am well and truly sick of them. Until I start seeing some virgin numbers, I'll get no joy from the scale!