Most of the time as we lose weight we are celebrating our new slimmer bodies, fitting into smaller sized clothes, reaching new fitness goals and living life to the full. But, losing a significant amount of weight can be an emotional experience and brings to the fore a lot of feelings that we used to bury in food.
I went out for drinks with a friend on Friday night and, very unexpectedly, I received a bit of attention from guys. I am not used to this at all and it was quite surprising and unwelcome. I felt uneasy about it on Saturday, but for the most part I just pushed it away in my mind, but unfortunately my subconscious wasn't so successful. Last night I had quite a horrific nightmare about being out drinking with this same friend and then being sexually attacked by a man. The last thing I remember in the dream before I woke up was thinking "I wish I had never lost weight and then this wouldn't be happening".
The lap band is a tool that can help you to stop overeating physically, but it obviously doesn't deal with the reasons why we were eating ourselves to death in the first place. I had always thought that I overate because I was just a pig and because I loved food so much. I knew that eating was a comfort for me, but I didn't really know why. I really never tried to understand why I overeat, in fact, I actively avoided thinking about it. I guess if I really want to successfully lose weight with the lap band I need to make an effort to understand why I want to overeat.
Right now I am feeling quite flat and like eating my weight in chocolate would be a nice idea. Why can't getting a lap band just be easy...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Coming Clean
I mentioned in a post a couple of weeks ago that the guilt of not telling people about my lap band surgery was eating away at me- pardon the pun. I have chosen to only tell a few people and, to be completely honest, if I thought that I could have got away with not telling anyone, I would have.
The particular problem I have is when I spend time with close friends and my eating habits are drastically different post-band that it seems really obvious that something is going on. I hang out a bit with my old best friend from high school, despite the fact she lives so far away, and she has commented on how slowly I eat and how small the portions of food I eat are now. That wouldn't bother me, except she was beating herself up that she wasn't able to eat like that too. Instant guilt.
About a week and a half ago she came down to stay in my new place and we went to see a band, before we went out we decided to have dinner and a bottle of wine at my favourite local pizza place across the road. The pizza came and we started eating and she said in a slightly embarrassed tone "Oh, are you still doing that thing where you eat slow and really small amounts?"
I didn't want to tell her, but I really felt that at this point I had no choice because my behaviour was making her feel insecure and I just couldn't handle it anymore. So I just blurted it out and told her the whole truth. I thought she would understand because she has known me longer than anyone and she has seen my incredibly drastic weight loss and weight gain over the years and knows the problems I have with food.
After I told her she really didn't say much and I kind of just kept talking because I wasn't sure if she wasn't saying anything because she thought it was weird or because she didn't know what lap band surgery is and also because I am just awkward like that. So I just kept blabbing about lap bands and then she changed the subject and she hasn't mentioned it since in any of the numerous texts or emails we have shared.
I really don't know if she is angry at me, envious that I had the surgery, thinks the whole surgery thing is crazy or just isn't that interested, but I feel kind of stupid now. I honestly think she probably just thinks the whole weight loss surgery thing is a little bit strange, and I completely understand that because I used to think that too, so she probably just needs some time to get used to it.
This is why I didn't want to tell people...
The particular problem I have is when I spend time with close friends and my eating habits are drastically different post-band that it seems really obvious that something is going on. I hang out a bit with my old best friend from high school, despite the fact she lives so far away, and she has commented on how slowly I eat and how small the portions of food I eat are now. That wouldn't bother me, except she was beating herself up that she wasn't able to eat like that too. Instant guilt.
About a week and a half ago she came down to stay in my new place and we went to see a band, before we went out we decided to have dinner and a bottle of wine at my favourite local pizza place across the road. The pizza came and we started eating and she said in a slightly embarrassed tone "Oh, are you still doing that thing where you eat slow and really small amounts?"
I didn't want to tell her, but I really felt that at this point I had no choice because my behaviour was making her feel insecure and I just couldn't handle it anymore. So I just blurted it out and told her the whole truth. I thought she would understand because she has known me longer than anyone and she has seen my incredibly drastic weight loss and weight gain over the years and knows the problems I have with food.
After I told her she really didn't say much and I kind of just kept talking because I wasn't sure if she wasn't saying anything because she thought it was weird or because she didn't know what lap band surgery is and also because I am just awkward like that. So I just kept blabbing about lap bands and then she changed the subject and she hasn't mentioned it since in any of the numerous texts or emails we have shared.
I really don't know if she is angry at me, envious that I had the surgery, thinks the whole surgery thing is crazy or just isn't that interested, but I feel kind of stupid now. I honestly think she probably just thinks the whole weight loss surgery thing is a little bit strange, and I completely understand that because I used to think that too, so she probably just needs some time to get used to it.
This is why I didn't want to tell people...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Funky Town
I am still struggling to get access to the internet so my blogging and blog reading has been minimal. Who would think it would take almost 3 weeks to have broadband put on? It's not until you move house and have to deal with phone and internet companies again that you remember how horrible they are to deal with...
My first full week at work was both exhausting and boring. I finally fell into a deep post-holiday funk that everyone kept saying I would get. I was fine when I first got back because I was swanning around being a lady of leisure, sleeping in, catching up with friends over bottles of wine and going for lovely walks around the park. Now that I am back at work I remember how miserable I am working 9 to 5 and that my life needs a bigger purpose than spreadsheets. Damn my lefty parents for instilling in me a complete lack of respect for authority and 'working for the man'.
Speaking of being a big lefty, this election, wow what a disappointment. I am consoling myself in the knowledge that if Tony Abbott gets power that at least Australians might become a little less apathetic about politics, but it will be too little, too late when they realise the massive mistake that has been made if that man gets power. OK, off my soapbox and back to the topic of this blog... weight loss (or weight gain as the case often is!).
Despite being down in the dumps, I have still been doing well with the weight loss over the past few weeks. Staying within the unintended theme of this post *being grumpy* I am sick and tired of this apple shaped body. I weighed myself this morning and I was at an all time low of 85.2 kilos (187 lbs), that is amazing to me and lower than I ever dreamed I could get to with this lap band. What I am pissed off about is that I am only just getting into size 20's and I have read about a hundred blogs where people that weigh more than me are wearing size 14's, 16's or 18's. I hate being apple shaped, it means that pants and tops are all too small around my belly and then too big in the legs, bum and shoulders.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but I can't help it. The dress that I am wearing in the last post is a size 20 and I only just got into it and I am only now just squeezing into my size 20's jeans from this post. Yes, it is great that these jeans finally fit me and I was thrilled that I could finally button them up, but I just thought that by now I would be able to wear 'normal' shop clothes. I went shopping yesterday and, for some crazy reason, I tortured myself by trying on some jeans and dresses from 'normal' shops and let me tell you, it was both a physically and emotionally painful experience!
Now I am going to spend the rest of my Sunday going for a nice long walk by the Maribyrnong River and then I'll make a big pot of red lentil and chorizo soup and try and stop being such a grumpy bitch.
My skinny jeans photos (excuse my pink slippers)...
BEFORE
AFTER
BEFORE
AFTER
Friday, August 13, 2010
This, That & The Other
Oh my god, what a week! Turn away now if you don't want to see way too many photos of my big head.
I got the keys to my new place last Friday and, 19 trips to Ikea later, I am mostly set up. Well, except for the 50 boxes that don't yet have a place... Moving a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 2 living room sized house into a small 2 bedroom apartment has been tough. I don't regret it at all though, I love being back in the city and hearing the trams go by late at night, the smells of the lovely food around every corner and just feeling like I am back amongst the action again.
The joys of moving massive pieces of furniture in my little Suzuki Swift... I'm not impressed.
I was able to spend a few days at home getting set up and running errands before I started my new job on Thursday. I had so much fun zipping about in my little car and getting myself organised for my new job and house. I also finally got my hair cut and coloured, it isn't very drastic, but it just needed cleaning up while I am growing it out. I took some photos, but they aren't the best because I didn't realise I had to take the flash off and also because I have a bad lazy eye.
My first day at work went really well, but any first day at work that doesn't involve me accidentally farting loudly in front of my new colleagues is a good day. Yes, that actually happened to me at my last job. No wonder that job never worked out...
The job seems quite easy so far, a little too easy maybe... I wanted a low stress job and I am enjoying that side of it, but I must admit it is a little blow to the ego to be doing a job where I am so far down the pecking order. Funnily enough, it turns out this job is only a 6 month contract for a maternity leave replacement, which I obviously didn't realise, but I think it'll work out perfectly for me. It'll give me time to pay off my credit card and give me some pocket money to have some fun while I work out what my next career move should be.
I took some more photos to document my first day at work. After seeing how the photo on my work ID card turned out I have decided that maybe I shouldn't slick my hair back so tightly...
I got the keys to my new place last Friday and, 19 trips to Ikea later, I am mostly set up. Well, except for the 50 boxes that don't yet have a place... Moving a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 2 living room sized house into a small 2 bedroom apartment has been tough. I don't regret it at all though, I love being back in the city and hearing the trams go by late at night, the smells of the lovely food around every corner and just feeling like I am back amongst the action again.
The joys of moving massive pieces of furniture in my little Suzuki Swift... I'm not impressed.
I was able to spend a few days at home getting set up and running errands before I started my new job on Thursday. I had so much fun zipping about in my little car and getting myself organised for my new job and house. I also finally got my hair cut and coloured, it isn't very drastic, but it just needed cleaning up while I am growing it out. I took some photos, but they aren't the best because I didn't realise I had to take the flash off and also because I have a bad lazy eye.
My first day at work went really well, but any first day at work that doesn't involve me accidentally farting loudly in front of my new colleagues is a good day. Yes, that actually happened to me at my last job. No wonder that job never worked out...
The job seems quite easy so far, a little too easy maybe... I wanted a low stress job and I am enjoying that side of it, but I must admit it is a little blow to the ego to be doing a job where I am so far down the pecking order. Funnily enough, it turns out this job is only a 6 month contract for a maternity leave replacement, which I obviously didn't realise, but I think it'll work out perfectly for me. It'll give me time to pay off my credit card and give me some pocket money to have some fun while I work out what my next career move should be.
I took some more photos to document my first day at work. After seeing how the photo on my work ID card turned out I have decided that maybe I shouldn't slick my hair back so tightly...
Now it's Friday night and I am exhausted. I'm going to bed with now with my electric blanket, a cup of chai tea and a big smile on my face.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Moving Time
Well we started moving our stuff into the new apartment on Friday and my body is killing me. My apartment is up 1 flight of stairs and then there is another flight of stairs within my apartment, so I have been up and down those 2 flights of stairs hundreds of times in the past 3 days and my calves are in a world of pain. AJ was saying on Saturday how sore his calves were and I was all smug and saying that I felt fine. Then I woke up this morning and discovered the true meaning of the word DOMS. Ouch.
Carrying all our stuff up 2 flights of stairs has been a challenge. AJ learnt that he shouldn't make me laugh while I have the bottom end of his brand new 50 inch plasma TV in the middle of a flight of stairs. It was a bad time to get an attack of the giggles...
At one stage I was carrying 2 of AJ's 20 kilo arm weights up the stairs and I was finding it quite difficult to have such heavy weights dragging me down while trying to walk up stairs. Then I realised that the weights I was carrying are equivalent to the weight I have lost so far. I used to carry that extra 40 kilos around with me EVERY DAY. No wonder life seemed so freaking hard all the time.
Moving house can be hard on the waist line so I have tried to stay focussed on eating healthy eating, small portions and moving my arse. The day we moved into this new neighbourhood I went and signed up at the local Fernwood gym and I have been for a work out already. However, I have also scoped out the local woodfire oven pizza place directly across the road from my apartment and I have been for a 'session' there as well. The battle between good and evil is never ending!
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
It's All Happening
What a difference a week makes (well 3 days actually)!
Firstly, on Monday I got a house in Melbourne and I am moving in on Friday! Well, it's actually an apartment, but that's all we need. Here is a picture of the kitchen and lounge area. Can you see that there is an air conditioner? I have NEVER had a house with an air conditioner and I am super excited that come January and February I will actually be able to sleep in a nice cool air conditioned apartment.
Secondly, I had a job interview yesterday and I just received a phone call that I got the job and I start next Thursday! I didn't think I would get this job because I thought I came across as a bit of a stooge in the interview and all I can really remember is that I was waving my hands around way too much, but I must not have been as bad as I felt, or they liked my dorkiness.
I almost didn't make it to the interview because I went to the wrong building (the job is at a university and ALL the buildings look the same). I turned up half an hour early and waited until a reasonable time to go up to level 9 and when I go there I could not find the correct room. I saw a guy in a security uniform and asked where the Dean's office is and he said level 12. So I went to level 12 and there was indeed a Dean's office, but for a completely different school than where I was interviewing. Someone happened to walk past me at that moment and I practically grabbed them and screamed "What street are we on?" and of course I was on the wrong street. With 4 minutes to go until my scheduled interview time I almost had a heart attack on the spot. I literally sprinted to the correct building in the next street, all the while cursing myself that today was the day I decided to start wearing high heels, and I made it almost on time. I actually felt too sick to look at my watch at that point, but I suspect I was about a minute or two late. The silliest part about it is that I actually scoped out the correct building over the weekend and I still managed to go to the wrong building.
The first thing I am going to do now that I have a job is get my hair cut and coloured. Oh bliss.
So now I am no longer unemployed and homeless, let's see how long it takes for me to start wishing I didn't have a job again...
Firstly, on Monday I got a house in Melbourne and I am moving in on Friday! Well, it's actually an apartment, but that's all we need. Here is a picture of the kitchen and lounge area. Can you see that there is an air conditioner? I have NEVER had a house with an air conditioner and I am super excited that come January and February I will actually be able to sleep in a nice cool air conditioned apartment.
Secondly, I had a job interview yesterday and I just received a phone call that I got the job and I start next Thursday! I didn't think I would get this job because I thought I came across as a bit of a stooge in the interview and all I can really remember is that I was waving my hands around way too much, but I must not have been as bad as I felt, or they liked my dorkiness.
I almost didn't make it to the interview because I went to the wrong building (the job is at a university and ALL the buildings look the same). I turned up half an hour early and waited until a reasonable time to go up to level 9 and when I go there I could not find the correct room. I saw a guy in a security uniform and asked where the Dean's office is and he said level 12. So I went to level 12 and there was indeed a Dean's office, but for a completely different school than where I was interviewing. Someone happened to walk past me at that moment and I practically grabbed them and screamed "What street are we on?" and of course I was on the wrong street. With 4 minutes to go until my scheduled interview time I almost had a heart attack on the spot. I literally sprinted to the correct building in the next street, all the while cursing myself that today was the day I decided to start wearing high heels, and I made it almost on time. I actually felt too sick to look at my watch at that point, but I suspect I was about a minute or two late. The silliest part about it is that I actually scoped out the correct building over the weekend and I still managed to go to the wrong building.
The first thing I am going to do now that I have a job is get my hair cut and coloured. Oh bliss.
So now I am no longer unemployed and homeless, let's see how long it takes for me to start wishing I didn't have a job again...
Sunday, August 01, 2010
August Weigh In
It's the 1st of August today and I was thinking this morning that I should probably try and find my scales to see how my weight is going. Later that day I happened across my scales in a massive bag of 'miscellaneous' junk while I was looking for my hair dryer and I figured that I may as well see what was happening. By the time I weighed myself it was 5.30 pm and I had obviously been eating and drinking throughout the day and I was fully dressed (jeans no less) so I wasn't expecting great numbers. You can see where I am heading with this?
I weighed in today at 89.1 kilos, my lowest recorded weight ever! I have been hovering around 90-92 kilos since I returned from overseas and I was bored to tears of seeing those numbers. I vowed not to step foot on a scale until I could be confident of seeing a number starting with an 8, but I couldn't really motivate myself to do anything to help my cause. Over the last week I decided that enough was enough-- well, I have actually thought that every week for about a month, but this time I actually followed through and cut out the sugar and moved my arse at the gym.
The last few days I have felt different, I could just feel that I had possibly lost weight and then this weekend AJ mentioned that he was sure I had lost weight because something about me looked different. While I had the scale out AJ decided to step on as well and for the first time since I have known him I actually weigh less than him. I think every woman reading this will understand how much that means to us girls!
Now I just need to hold it together over this week so that I don't slip back into the 90's ever again!
I weighed in today at 89.1 kilos, my lowest recorded weight ever! I have been hovering around 90-92 kilos since I returned from overseas and I was bored to tears of seeing those numbers. I vowed not to step foot on a scale until I could be confident of seeing a number starting with an 8, but I couldn't really motivate myself to do anything to help my cause. Over the last week I decided that enough was enough-- well, I have actually thought that every week for about a month, but this time I actually followed through and cut out the sugar and moved my arse at the gym.
The last few days I have felt different, I could just feel that I had possibly lost weight and then this weekend AJ mentioned that he was sure I had lost weight because something about me looked different. While I had the scale out AJ decided to step on as well and for the first time since I have known him I actually weigh less than him. I think every woman reading this will understand how much that means to us girls!
Now I just need to hold it together over this week so that I don't slip back into the 90's ever again!
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